# Should I date a devoté? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 19, 2012, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380 "2012-05-19T01:32:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/21 "2012-05-19T05:46:28Z")
There are actually all kinds of different forums, websites, etc. out there for devotees. Here’s one of them…[Redirect Notice](http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=devotee%20website&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CFoQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.paradevo.net%2F&ei=7jK3T7mvJYPoggfG1ajKCg&usg=AFQjCNFDhKemD-BzgCinGOLzoVLT2Va4Ng) (this is just an example in case anyone wants to check it out) ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/22 "2012-05-19T07:04:15Z")
> [@Rampant\_Coypu](#): > > Do you interact well in ways that do not involve his uncommon attraction. Can you have long conversations about all kinds of topics? Do you share many common interests and activities? Are their huge class and background differences between you? > > That’s how the two of you are. But what about him? Has he held good jobs for long periods? Does he seem basically stable? Are his relationships with his family mostly good except for a few minor troubles? If there’s something so wrong with his family relationships, has he pretty much built himself a second family, a circle of close and trusted people? Does he really have friends at all? Does he have clear goals about what he wants to become and reasonable plans about how to get there? > > If you can answer mostly yes to all these questions, you’ve hit the jackpot. And these are exactly the same questions I would pose to anyone in any sort of relationship. If he is the sort of man who is on a thriving path in his life and has an uncommon preference for your disability, you’ve struck gold. If he is not that much on a thriving path, think about dumping him. I wish you well in considering this decision. > > BTW, even if he has a good relationship with his family, they are not likely to accept you. Been through this. Had a long term gf who was blind. Our relationship failure had nothing to do with my family, though they hated her for her disability. Neither of us was on our thriving path at the time we were together. We hadn’t figured that out yet. > > BTW, I really hate how the blind are depicted on TV. You don’t push blind people, you lead them. And you never initiate contact with a blind person with your palm, always the back of the hand. and when you are leading a blind person correctly there is a system of foot signals that allow you to negotiate curbs and stairs at almost the same speed as two sighted people. It’s like dancing. First, those are very good questions. In the two months we have known each other, hanging out in mostly group settings with my brother and other friends, I have felt a spark of mutual interest and a lot of common ground. That’s the only reason I’m even considering continuing to see him after discovering his devoté attraction. Second, I’ve failed the family interview enough times to know a quadriplegic girlfriend, no matter how cool or smart or accomplished, is a tough sell. One guy’s mom asked him, in front of me at dinner at a nice restaurant, if would be able to give her grandkids. :o Lastly, that is fascinating about leading the blind. How lovely. And since we’re talking awful disability etiquette, 1) you NEVER push a person’s wheelchair without them asking (it’s akin to walking up to an AB person and throwing them over your shoulder); 2) no one is “confined” to a wheelchair–what a dumb expression. I have 3 different wheelchairs, a bed, a couch, a recliner, and a standing frame that I spend time in. I’m not chained down to any one of those; and 3) not all paralyzed people sit around moping about the fact that they can’t walk. Walking means diddly to me. Getting the use of just one arm back would be much more useful to me than my legs (alas, ain’t gonna happen), but I don’t spend all my time thinking about it, and I’m not particularly sad that I’m in a chair. It is what it is. Oh, ONE last thing: I already mentioned, but I can’t emphasize enough–quadriplegics want sex as much as the next person. And many of us are getting plenty of it. \>;) ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 7:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/23 "2012-05-19T07:16:26Z")
I say go for it but take it very slow. Get to know each other through talks and activities. Don’t let it get sexual for a LONG time until you’re sure he is normal enough for you, and your relationship is normal enough for the both of you. Once a line is crossed, it’s hard to go back to ‘just holding hands’ - figure of speech there. Think with your head, not your loins. All relationships are based on at least some physical attraction, and anyone who says different is either lying or not being true to themself. He’s been pretty honest in admitting his fetish, and even admitting it’s a little creepy. Who knows where it will lead? A friend from many years ago once told me, sometimes we are blessed not by finding what we thought we wanted, but by finding what we needed. ---
**Author:** ![Pitchmeister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pitchmeister/32/3459_2.png) [@Pitchmeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pitchmeister)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 7:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/24 "2012-05-19T07:54:20Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > And since we’re talking awful disability etiquette, 1) you NEVER push a person’s wheelchair without them asking (it’s akin to walking up to an AB person and throwing them over your shoulder); 2) no one is “confined” to a wheelchair–what a dumb expression. I have 3 different wheelchairs, a bed, a couch, a recliner, and a standing frame that I spend time in. I’m not chained down to any one of those; and 3) not all paralyzed people sit around moping about the fact that they can’t walk. Walking means diddly to me. Getting the use of just one arm back would be much more useful to me than my legs (alas, ain’t gonna happen), but I don’t spend all my time thinking about it, and I’m not particularly sad that I’m in a chair. It is what it is. Oh, ONE last thing: I already mentioned, but I can’t emphasize enough–quadriplegics want sex as much as the next person. And many of us are getting plenty of it. \>;) **umkay** , would you maybe consider starting an “Ask the…” thread? I have a couple of questions I would like to ask which I am afraid are not entirely appropriate in this thread. That is, if you are comfortable with having people ask them and answering them. I certainly don’t mean to reduce you to your disability, but I have never really known a quadriplegic, and I’m a little curious about some mechanical aspects. As far as your relationship goes, another vote for “Go for it”. Try and view his confession as akin to him saying he’s really turned on by brunettes - it’s just a preference, a “nice to have”, but not the only thing that interests him about you. Also, to paraphrase Dan Savage, turn down the honest devoté and you’ll wind up with the dishonest necrophiliac. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Septima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@Septima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Septima)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 9:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/25 "2012-05-19T09:41:10Z")
You’ll just have to use your smarts and try to figure out if he is objectifying you or not. If he is - if all he sees is the chair - boot him. If not, then it’s no different than any other physical preference. Would you feel the same if he admitted to you he was tuned on by your hair-colour, your taste in heels or your boobs? Really, we all deal with this in some form. I’m a fat woman. It would be silly for me to rule our guys who are into fat women. Dating someone who likes you _despite_ your body is shredding. We should all strive to date people who like our bodies _and_ our personalities. On or the other alone won’t cut it. ---
**Author:** ![Beastly\_Rotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Beastly\_Rotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beastly_Rotter)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/26 "2012-05-19T11:16:44Z")
So he’ll wait on you hand and foot? ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/27 "2012-05-19T11:38:01Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > However, I’m recently rethinking my position. I’ve had several longer term relationships in a row end with a profession from the guy that, though he loves me and appreciates many of my qualities, he just can’t handle life with a quadriplegic. > > Then, two months ago, I met a coworker of my brother’s and we’ve been getting to know each other. Last night, he admitted to me (after several beers) that my disability is a turn-on for him, and he’s known he was a “devoté” since high school, though he’s never actually dated anyone with a disability. > > I’m torn. I like this guy. He’s cute, ambitious, kind, funny. But I have weird feelings about dating him. Is it exploitative? Kinky? A match made in heaven? Sounds like you and he are hitting it off in a normal way, and he regards your physical limitations as a plus, instead of a detriment like the other guys you’ve dated have. It might turn out that he likes you for yourself, and your disability is an extra turn-on for him as well, in which case it’s all good. Or it might turn out that he’s ultimately more into you as quad than he is into you as you, in which case you show him the door. And I’m sure that you’re smart enough to make a quick end to a relationship if you start getting creepy vibes off him at some point. But that’s what dating’s all about. You can’t really know how well it’s really going to work until you go there. As a song from one of my kid’s Sesame Street DVDs goes, you’ll never ever know if you don’t try at all. (Can’t believe I’m quoting Sesame Street on the Dope. That’s what parenthood will do for you, I guess. :)) So go for it, and by all means let us know how it works out. And welcome to this crazy joint. Make yourself at home! ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/28 "2012-05-19T12:28:05Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > Where do you draw the line between a fetish and a preference? I’ve tried to figure this out, and I’m not sure I have an answer. The defining difference seems to be that preferences are societally affirmed, while fetishes are frowned upon. If that’s the only difference, I suppose it’s pretty small-minded of me to give this guy crap for being into me because my body doesn’t work like most people’s. I might as well be equally disgusted that he claims to also be into brunettes, of which I am also one. Right? The difference between a fetish and an attraction or preference is that a fetish is _required_ for sexual fulfillment. Lots of people have specific preferences, even involved kinks, that do not reach the level of true fetishism. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/29 "2012-05-19T15:17:30Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > Second, sure–I’ll let everyone know the gritty details of what becomes of this. 🙂 Benefit of the Doubt: 01 Fear of The Unknown: 00 Best of Luck…! PS- We also do threads on subjects like “Snappy Comebacks To Obnoxious Clueless SO’s Parents” Anyone can cut someone down to size, but it takes a significant crater for an in-ground pool. ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/30 "2012-05-19T15:47:53Z")
> [@Pitchmeister](#): > > **umkay** turn down the honest devoté and you’ll wind up with the dishonest necrophiliac. 😉 Bahahaha! Well, if those are my only two options, I will definitely go with the honest devoté! 😉 I love the “ask the …” threads! I never considered starting one specifically about my situation, but I don’t mind respectful (or at least funny…) questions about my _fascinating_ life with a spinal cord injury, so I’ll start a thread. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/31 "2012-05-19T15:57:51Z")
If you’ve known him for two months and haven’t gotten the creepster vibe yet, he’s probably all right to try. I assume you’re a good judge of character. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/32 "2012-05-19T16:04:12Z")
> [@Septima](#): > > Dating someone who likes you _despite_ your body is shredding. We should all strive to date people who like our bodies _and_ our personalities. On or the other alone won’t cut it. You raise an interesting point. As an overweight woman, though, do you ever feel like guys who are into you as a larger woman have a mental problem? Because so many people put people like you and me into a box labeled “Not Sexy,” (or at the very least “Undateable”), what should we think about men who are so outside the norm that they don’t just date women like us because they see “past” the chair or the weight, but because they LIKE the chair or the weight? And is that really the core of my discomfort with this situation? Because, if I were able-bodied, I wouldn’t be into dudes in chairs. Heck, I’m not into dudes in chairs NOW, though a lot of that is because the mechanics of me dating a fellow chair user are hinky. Though I’d make an exception if he looked like Sam Worthington in Avatar. 😉 Is this hypocritical of me? Or the kind of body-hate even “perfect” women struggle with? It’s hard to understand a guy who loves what you perceive to be your least attractive quality. ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/33 "2012-05-19T16:06:32Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > PS We also do threads on subjects like “Snappy Comebacks To Obnoxious Clueless SO’s Parents” > > Anyone can cut someone down to size, but it takes a significant crater for an in-ground pool. HA! For the love of Maude, I need a thread like that! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/34 "2012-05-19T16:07:41Z")
> [@Beastly\_Rotter](#): > > So he’ll wait on you hand and foot? It’s a dream come true, really, right? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/35 "2012-05-19T16:20:32Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > Anyone can cut someone down to size, but it takes a significant crater for an in-ground pool. Mind if I steal this for my sig line - with attribution, of course? ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/36 "2012-05-19T17:15:37Z")
Overthinking is the kiss of death to dating and relationships. For right now, he’s passed the initial litmus test. He seems normal and you like each other, so go on a date. Then another, and another. If at any time things are not what they seemed to be, you have the power and ability to NOT date him any more. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/37 "2012-05-19T18:52:15Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > Overthinking is the kiss of death to dating and relationships. For right now, he’s passed the initial litmus test. He seems normal and you like each other, so go on a date. Then another, and another. > > If at any time things are not what they seemed to be, you have the power and ability to NOT date him any more. This. Go out for a bit, then come back and give us the juicy \ details! And yeah, if he doesn’t feel creepy, then go for it. Kink!=fetish; could be a lot of fun for both of you. And as Lurker said, you can always put on the brakes if you start feeling ‘off’ about it. Hell, even if it’s just a fun romp for a couple of months, enjoy! Nothing wrong with that 😃 ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2012, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/38 "2012-05-19T19:44:27Z")
This is one of the most interesting threads I have read in a long time. Thanks for coming out of lurk-ville. Good luck with this guy and if you don’t let us know the details as it goes along we will haunt you. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2012, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/39 "2012-05-20T02:25:55Z")
If the _only_ reason he’s into you is the disability that IS weird and creepy… but you say he’s dated others and you have other common interests and common ground. If he’s into various qualities about you such as A, B, C, D, E, the chair, F, G, etc. that’s a different matter. It’s not _just_ the disability, not _just_ the kink, but without that one thing you two would still have the basis for a good relationship… and that’s what it has to be. A lasting relationship needs more than just one trait to survive. For your dating/mating purposes there are only a few types of people in this world: 1. Folks who can’t handle the chair at all - you just won’t get a date. 2. Folks who have a go at it, but can’t get past the chair (I’m sure you’ve met/dated some) 3. Folks who don’t like the chair, but can work around it. 4. Folks who like you and like the chair. 5. Folks who are just into the chair and nothing else. Realistically, long term relationships for you will only be from groups 3 & 4 (you have too much self-respect to put up with #5 indefinitely). 3’s might a larger group than 4’s, but I don’t think you should dismiss 4’s out of hand. As long as there is more (hopefully much more) that _just_ the chair holding you together I see no reason you two couldn’t have a long term and meaningful relationship here. Really, in a sense, your question is if the flip of the usual one people have of “If something horrible happened to me and I wound up in a wheelchair would my mate still love me?” Ask yourself (or him) “If something wonderful happened to me and my paralysis was cured, would you still love me even if I didn’t need a wheelchair anymore?” If the answer is “yes” you’ve got a winner. ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2012, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/40 "2012-05-20T11:37:24Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > (this is just an example in case anyone wants to check it out) Thanks for the link. I never knew this existed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380.md?page=3)