# Should I date a devoté? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 19, 2012, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380 "2012-05-19T01:32:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Rampant\_Coypu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/439d5e/32.png) [@Rampant\_Coypu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rampant_Coypu)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/81 "2012-05-21T07:38:55Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > First, those are very good questions. In the two months we have known each other, hanging out in mostly group settings with my brother and other friends, I have felt a spark of mutual interest and a lot of common ground. That’s the only reason I’m even considering continuing to see him after discovering his devoté attraction. Seems to me if he is on what I called a “thriving life path” and can answer all those questions, you’ve hit the big time. Here are some other questions to ponder. Is he a virgin? Has he had longish term relationships with “normal” women? You really need to find this stuff out. You don’t want to end up with a guy who sees you as the be all and end all of his whole life. But you will be lucky indeed with a guy who is basically normal, but with a kink your direction. > [@umkay](#): > > Second, I’ve failed the family interview enough times to know a quadriplegic girlfriend, no matter how cool or smart or accomplished, is a tough sell. One guy’s mom asked him, in front of me at dinner at a nice restaurant, if would be able to give her grandkids. :o That’s a wrong question under any circumstances. I don’t know if you can or can’t, and it’s not my business. But family is always difficult. I heard stories from my mom about a woman with mild CP who “trapped” a man. My ex was pretty cool in the daylight with a short range lens and a cyborg telescopic monocle. She worked as a tour guide in a historic home. She counted steps and paced rooms. Except for the cyborg telescope, no one would ever think anything was different. But as light dimmed, the telescope came off and the white and red cane came out > [@umkay](#): > > Lastly, that is fascinating about leading the blind. How lovely. And since we’re talking awful disability etiquette, 1) you NEVER push a person’s wheelchair without them asking (it’s akin to walking up to an AB person and throwing them over your shoulder); 2) no one is “confined” to a wheelchair–what a dumb expression. I have 3 different wheelchairs, a bed, a couch, a recliner, and a standing frame that I spend time in. I’m not chained down to any one of those; and 3) not all paralyzed people sit around moping about the fact that they can’t walk. Walking means diddly to me. Getting the use of just one arm back would be much more useful to me than my legs (alas, ain’t gonna happen), but I don’t spend all my time thinking about it, and I’m not particularly sad that I’m in a chair. It is what it is. Oh, ONE last thing: I already mentioned, but I can’t emphasize enough–quadriplegics want sex as much as the next person. And many of us are getting plenty of it. \>;) I work in an academic support office at a local university. I work with many kinds of disabilities. Last client I had with a condition similar to yours was a swimming instructor who dived into shallow water and broke his shoulder blades and tore his spine. He has partial use of both arms, but they are very weak I regret that I did not try to learn more from him, though my limited training did inform me that I should avoid the mistakes you mentioned. But mostly I just asked what my clients wanted. It was quite cool to have a blind client three semesters ago. Retinitis Pigmentosa. She still wanted to see as much as she could see and had never properly done blind guiding. Blindwalking is my favorite dance, but I’m not a devote about it. I walked her husband with a blindfold to teach him how. Anyway, best of luck. You seem to be facing some difficult choices. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/82 "2012-05-21T08:06:24Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > That one-sidedness is hardly restricted to kinks. It is just a hallmark of a bad lover not in tune with his partner and going too fast too soon.. ..and it can be dealt with by either saying: “Hey, I’m getting a bit lonely up here, wanna go a little more slowly so I can catch up?” or " Hey, hon, I love you but today I just don’t seem to be able to get in the mood. Raincheck?". Or, if you feel generous (or just impatient :)) , you make the right noises, enjoy your partner enjoying him or herself, feel good about that, and trust that next time it will be your turn. In all of these sexual situations I really don’t see the difference. My husband gets hot because I’m me and he loves me, that I have T&A, and as a bonus, his kink, my wide hips. Your lover would get hot about the fact that you’re you, you have T&A, and added bonus you’re a quad. So I’m with everyone that says just try it and report back :). ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/83 "2012-05-21T18:18:18Z")
I have another anecdotal tale of an experience with a devotee. Again, this occurred via Facebook. This was a girl (again, very cute) who I met on fb who was very nice, very sweet, and seemingly normal. After we had been talking for a while, she told me that she was “into” guys in wheelchairs. This was my first exposure to devotees, so I didn’t know what to think. It didn’t weird me out or anything, but I definitely wanted to know more. She told me that she had never actually been with a guy in a wheelchair before but she was attracted to them. I asked her why she had never been with one if she was so attracted and she said she didn’t know why, exactly. She said she felt so bad about her attraction, so guilty. I asked her why and she said because it felt to her like she was taking pleasure from someone else’s pain and hardship. And she _really_ was big into this guilt thing. I think it was her guilt (at her very attraction to the disability) that, at least in part, prevented her from ever acting on that attraction and doing anything with a man in a wheelchair. I tell this story because it fits exactly with what research on devotees has found with their customary behaviors and neuroses. Excessive guilt and a lack of actual relationships is common with devotees; and this was exactly what I found with this girl. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/84 "2012-05-21T18:29:31Z")
Hmm… You know, denying yourself a pleasure because you fear that indulging in that pleasure might harm others strikes me as a level of ethical behavior not normally seen in people. A sign of a good person. On the other hand, relationships involving sex are always complicated on some level. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/85 "2012-05-21T18:41:50Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Hmm… You know, denying yourself a pleasure because you fear that indulging in that pleasure might harm others strikes me as a level of ethical behavior not normally seen in people. A sign of a good person. > > On the other hand, relationships involving sex are always complicated on some level. But denying yourself _a relationship_? The devotee thinks that being attracted to disability is worthy of guilt. If disability is just another aspect of a person that someone is attracted to, much like big boobs or any other aspect; then why does this particular attraction instill guilt in the person who feels it? ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/86 "2012-05-21T19:02:44Z")
Really, Jaimie? Do I have to explain to _you_ how absurdly misinformed and nutty a lot of able-bodied people are about disability? Between notions of “don’t hurt the poor cripple” and “that’s perverted to feel that way” and not wanting to be seen as a freak is it that surprising some folks will, yes, deny themselves a relationship? Doing that with the motivation “I don’t want to hurt people” is noble. Doing it when it’s unnecessary is sad. It is possible for it to be both noble and sad at the same time. You yourself have admitted to complicated and conflicting feelings when you consider dating someone else disabled. And - here I go dragging my relationship into this - from the time I started dating the man who is now my spouse I’ve been accused of being a devotee (because only a pervert would have sex with a cripple, right?), of “settling” for a disabled man due to my own perversion/feelings of inadequacy/suppressed homosexuality/stuff even more bizarre to me that I don’t even try to understand any more. That’s one of the crap things about disability, it’s not just the assumptions people make about the person with the disability it’s the assumptions that other people make about your boyfriend/girlfriend/siblings/spouse/children. And then there are the folks who don’t believe you go through all that… In my case, I don’t love him _because_ of his disability, I love _him_ and the disability thing is just some of the bullshit we have to deal with as part of life. It’s like having the in-laws from hell, except you can move away from your in-laws but the disability thing you’re stuck with 24/7. But - and apologies for being just a _bit_ graphic here, but the issues around bodily waste control and spinal cord injury have already been brought up - I can’t help but think that my life would be just a tad more pleasant if I had been one of those perverts who get off on pee and poop in the bedroom during one of those occasions when gastric distress sent the bowel control program off the rails at 2 am. Again, it’s some of the _literal_ shit that we just have to deal with at times, it’s not his fault (well, overdosing on cole slaw that one time might have been… but I won’t hold it against him… and I also limit the amount of cabbage permitted in the house now) but yeah, it’s a weird life when you start thinking that having a fetish usually regarded as disgusting might make your life easier. Or less unpleasant. Or something. Frankly, I don’t even know if that makes sense to anyone else. It’s not like there’s much opportunity to talk about it with other people. While you can have a great life while disabled let’s face it, being disabled can suck. Sometimes, it _really_ sucks. I’m all for something that can make the difficult bits more pleasant. If you have a wonderful life partner with many common interests who cares deeply for you _no matter what_ - but just \*happens \*to get off a bit on some of the things that might cause others to recoil, is that such a bad thing? Again, this is all with the assumption that the relationship involves healthy and mature adults with a broad range of common ground between them. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/87 "2012-05-21T19:05:36Z")
You have to decide whether his attraction to you is only physical or also mental. If it’s purely physical and you are ok with a physical relationship, what he’s attracted to is just a detail. It could just as easily be eyes, boobs, feet, or an accent. If you want a conventional dating relationship, then your job is to determine whether his attraction to you is only physical. In other words does he like you as a person and not just because of your physical characteristics? That is of course harder to judge and could very well take time to figure out, because people can and do keep up an act for a long time to get what they want. So I’d suggest dating for quite some time before going farther. I wouldn’t be offended by his attraction to you, it could possibly be a catalyst or gateway to a real relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/88 "2012-05-21T19:07:24Z")
I think it really depends. If a person is fairly average, then that person is unlikely to run into any sort of fetishes that that person fits. But when a person is farther away from average, opinions about whatever makes that person differ from average will be more and more polarizing. This applies to all sorts of things, not just disabilities, but all aspects of appearance, intelligence, religion, whatever. To a certain extent, when one is extreme enough in one of those ways, it’s going to be borderline impossible to have a real relationship with someone who doesn’t have some sort of abnormal attraction to that aspect themselves. It is unfortunate, regardless of what that difference is, it will likely have complications that otherwise wouldn’t exist. If that person has no fetish or attraction for it, they might otherwise like so much else about you but resent that aspect because of the difficulties it introduces. They may ultimately find it too much to bear and break it off, or that resentment itself may eventually create other problems in the relationship. At the same time, if someone is too attracted to it, you may end up in a bad relationship because they enter the relationship overlooking other serious incompatibilities or difficulties for the sake of that and you’re both miserable. So, really, I think there’s probably some balance in there where someone either likes it or honestly just doesn’t care and the two people can have a real relationship. So, I’d say you may as well take a shot at it and figure out how strong this guy’s fetish is. You may find out that, since he’s never dated one, he maybe isn’t as strong as he thinks he is and can’t handle it or maybe it’s stronger than he thinks and it makes you feel objectified or maybe he can just see past it and you two get along great. It doesn’t sound like it should necessarily be an immediate red flag since it’s obviously not strong enough that he’s only sought out disabled people in the past. Have fun, the worst that will happen is it doesn’t work out and you go your separate ways. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/89 "2012-05-21T19:09:01Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Really, Jaimie? Do I have to explain to _you_ how absurdly misinformed and nutty a lot of able-bodied people are about disability? > > Between notions of “don’t hurt the poor cripple” and “that’s perverted to feel that way” and not wanting to be seen as a freak is it that surprising some folks will, yes, deny themselves a relationship? Doing that with the motivation “I don’t want to hurt people” is noble. Doing it when it’s unnecessary is sad. It is possible for it to be both noble and sad at the same time. > > You yourself have admitted to complicated and conflicting feelings when you consider dating someone else disabled. > > And - here I go dragging my relationship into this - from the time I started dating the man who is now my spouse I’ve been accused of being a devotee (because only a pervert would have sex with a cripple, right?), of “settling” for a disabled man due to my own perversion/feelings of inadequacy/suppressed homosexuality/stuff even more bizarre to me that I don’t even try to understand any more. That’s one of the crap things about disability, it’s not just the assumptions people make about the person with the disability it’s the assumptions that other people make about your boyfriend/girlfriend/siblings/spouse/children. And then there are the folks who don’t believe you go through all that… > > In my case, I don’t love him _because_ of his disability, I love _him_ and the disability thing is just some of the bullshit we have to deal with as part of life. It’s like having the in-laws from hell, except you can move away from your in-laws but the disability thing you’re stuck with 24/7. > > But - and apologies for being just a _bit_ graphic here, but the issues around bodily waste control and spinal cord injury have already been brought up - I can’t help but think that my life would be just a tad more pleasant if I had been one of those perverts who get off on pee and poop in the bedroom during one of those occasions when gastric distress sent the bowel control program off the rails at 2 am. Again, it’s some of the _literal_ shit that we just have to deal with at times, it’s not his fault (well, overdosing on cole slaw that one time might have been… but I won’t hold it against him… and I also limit the amount of cabbage permitted in the house now) but yeah, it’s a weird life when you start thinking that having a fetish usually regarded as disgusting might make your life easier. Or less unpleasant. Or something. > > Frankly, I don’t even know if that makes sense to anyone else. It’s not like there’s much opportunity to talk about it with other people. > > While you can have a great life while disabled let’s face it, being disabled can suck. Sometimes, it _really_ sucks. I’m all for something that can make the difficult bits more pleasant. If you have a wonderful life partner with many common interests who cares deeply for you _no matter what_ - but just \*happens \*to get off a bit on some of the things that might cause others to recoil, is that such a bad thing? Again, this is all with the assumption that the relationship involves healthy and mature adults with a broad range of common ground between them. Yes but devotees are not the typical, ‘nutty, ignorant, misinformed AB person’. “Devotees” make up part of the Devotee-Pretender-Wannabe (DPW) spectrum; they often empathize and want to know every bit of the experience of a disabled person. “Pretenders” will actually live their lives as a para-or-quadraplegic; using a wheelchair and all. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/90 "2012-05-21T19:15:30Z")
> [@control-z](#): > > If it’s purely physical and you are ok with a physical relationship, what he’s attracted to is just a detail. It could just as easily be eyes, boobs, feet, or an accent. forget it ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/91 "2012-05-21T20:31:52Z")
**Ambivalid** , it just seems that you have defined the “true” devote so that your definition is accurate. Someone who just has a preference is not a real devote, so you don’t have to concern yourself with them. This is faulty reasoning. What matters is how this man defines the term. And the evidence we have so far is at least somewhat positive: he’s dated non-disabled women, doesn’t particularly seek them out, and actually seems to connect with the OP. People with true fetishes (i.e., as the term is defined by psychologists) are incapable of this. In fact, the psychological definition of a fetish is being completely unable to become aroused without the fetish object. You’re right to promote caution: there is always a chance it’s not as good as it sounds. Heck, it could be a guy saying all the right things because he has experience taking advantage of paraplegics. But the risk is no different than the able-bodied have to deal with dating someone who is stronger in some ways than them. I think she’ll be okay. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/92 "2012-05-21T21:37:19Z")
This is such a good thread for so many reasons. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > I want someone who is into _ **me** _ because they like, and are attracted to, the person that I am, and everything I’ve accomplished _in spite_ of the wheelchair, and all the limitations it presents; not _because_ of it. To believe as if such people aren’t out there, _that_ seems like the real “no way to live” to me. I understand why you would be weirded out by the experiences you’ve had with devotees. But I also wonder if you are also failing to recognize what the disability may symbolize in this case. To use a different example, I have PTSD - symptoms vastly improved compared to where I was when I met my husband at the tender age of 18. I was kind of a wreck at the time, and I felt very unsexy, to say the least. But the way I handled the traumatic events in my life was a huge part of what attracted my husband to me. I didn’t understand that at the time, I just couldn’t grasp what he wanted with such a defective person. Many years of therapy later, I’m not happy, exactly, about having PTSD, and I certainly don’t define my life by all the bad shit that’s happened to me. But it has presented real limitations which I have had to deal with on a regular basis, and in doing so, it has become a part of me. At this point it’s not something I would want to undo. I like the person it has helped shape me into. I like that I’m not afraid to talk about it when it needs talking about. I’m a more emotionally courageous person because of it, much more likely to take emotional risks (like, say, falling in love despite knowing I was completely batshit.) I’ve lived with extreme emotions for so long that I’ve become very good at dealing with my own feelings, and those of others. What I’m saying is, I can’t be separated from my mental illness or my life experience. Knowing that, I would rather be with someone who loves me because of it than someone who considers it a burden. For years I believed my husband had loved me _in spite of_ it all, and it wasn’t until two or three years ago that I really got it. He’d been in one of his psychology classes and someone started talking about hypothetically being in a relationship with someone who was mentally ill - and they remarked that that they didn’t understand why anyone would hook up with someone who was seriously mentally ill. He was spitting mad as he told me about it, just sort of blurting out his thoughts, and he said, “It’s not like I’ve been doing the fucking noble thing all these years. I haven’t been with you out of a sense of benevolence. I’ve been with you because that’s what was best for me!” Then I realized, it wasn’t something he had to put up with - it was something that drove his feelings about me. I’m not saying I’m not a royal PITA for him at times, but the bottom line is that without this thing, this sort of disability, there would be no me for him to love. He saw how I chose to respond to it and he loved me for that. In the same way, I don’t imagine you would be you if you had not experienced this accident and had to deal with the fallout and your subsequent disability. Some people find it incredibly sexy when one deftly handles adversity, and the wheelchair may very well represent not what you cannot do, but what you have had to overcome. I don’t know if that was the case for you, but it’s at least another way of looking at it. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/93 "2012-05-21T21:38:06Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Yes but devotees are not the typical, ‘nutty, ignorant, misinformed AB person’. “Devotees” make up part of the Devotee-Pretender-Wannabe (DPW) spectrum; they often empathize and want to know every bit of the experience of a disabled person. “Pretenders” will actually live their lives as a para-or-quadraplegic; using a wheelchair and all. That’s the extreme end of it - the reality it’s a _spectrum_ and there are probably plenty of people squicked by the DPW extremes who, nonetheless, are along the novelty-is-good/minor-attraction/gets-off-on-the-“naughty” range It’s like saying _everyone_ with a SCI is in a wheelchair. Actually, no they aren’t - my spouse definitely has a SCI but he’s up and walking and still definitely disabled, even if in a different way than you or **umkay**. Or, to keep this in the realm of well-known sex fetish, there are people who are so fixated on feet they literally can not become aroused or orgasm without foot play and who pretty aren’t attracted to anything BUT feet. And that is weird and they’re never going to have a normal relationship. But there are many others who like feet, enjoy feet, having fun incorporating feet into sex but who also enjoy other forms of sex and indeed can have meaningful sex with no feet involved at all. Those folks have a fetish, but not a crippling one. The question is whether or not the young man mentioned in the OP is on the extreme, or closer to the middle range of the spectrum. ---
**Author:** ![dngnb8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/977dab/32.png) [@dngnb8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dngnb8)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/94 "2012-05-21T22:33:53Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > Long-time lurker, first-time poster. 🙂 > > Background: I’m a disabled woman in my mid-twenties. Specifically, I’m a high (C4) quadriplegic, paralyzed from the neck down, due to a snowboarding accident at 14. > > If you didn’t know, there’s a substantial population of people out there who are into girls “like me.” These people are called “devoté(é)s.” I know, it’s strange. Not to be into me–I’m relatively attractive–but to be into me BECAUSE I’m disabled. I’ve been aware of this group since I was about 19 (when I started dating, conventionally and online). I’ve always been ambivalent about them in general, and definitely not interested in getting involved with someone who (IMHO) had a screw loose. > > However, I’m recently rethinking my position. I’ve had several longer term relationships in a row end with a profession from the guy that, though he loves me and appreciates many of my qualities, he just can’t handle life with a quadriplegic. > > Then, two months ago, I met a coworker of my brother’s and we’ve been getting to know each other. Last night, he admitted to me (after several beers) that my disability is a turn-on for him, and he’s known he was a “devoté” since high school, though he’s never actually dated anyone with a disability. > > I’m torn. I like this guy. He’s cute, ambitious, kind, funny. But I have weird feelings about dating him. Is it exploitative? Kinky? A match made in heaven? > > On the other hand, I’m tired of dating guys who like everything about me BUT my chair. There’s something intriguing to me about being with a person who wouldn’t forever be lamenting all the things I can’t do. (Yes, I can have sex. I can even, theoretically, have babies, though I’ve never tested that). > > So I’d be curious to know what open-minded dopers think… Please do not take this wrong from me. Im not trying to be mean or insensitive. But I will frank. It sounds like you want a relationship where “the chair” is invisible to your partner. You want them to love you for you. But if you ask me, your injury is a part of you. It will forever be in the relationship. That is unavoidable Where I would caution you is whether the devote is more interested in the chair, then the person. Whomever you decide on, the thing you must communicate to them is (no small feat to be sure and the hardest dynamic you have to deal with) “The Chair is a part of Me, but it isnt all of me” Does that make sense? Good luck ---
**Author:** ![dngnb8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/977dab/32.png) [@dngnb8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dngnb8)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2012, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/95 "2012-05-21T22:37:30Z")
Pope Pourri ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2012, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/96 "2012-05-22T00:38:46Z")
UPDATE: Mr. Devote just called and asked me to dinner like, now. I intend to get some questions answered. I’ll let you all know how it gooooeees… ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2012, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/97 "2012-05-22T01:34:11Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > This is such a good thread for so many reasons. > I understand why you would be weirded out by the experiences you’ve had with devotees. But I also wonder if you are also failing to recognize what the disability may symbolize in this case. > > To use a different example, I have PTSD - symptoms vastly improved compared to where I was when I met my husband at the tender age of 18. I was kind of a wreck at the time, and I felt very unsexy, to say the least. But the way I handled the traumatic events in my life was a huge part of what attracted my husband to me. I didn’t understand that at the time, I just couldn’t grasp what he wanted with such a defective person. > > Many years of therapy later, I’m not happy, exactly, about having PTSD, and I certainly don’t define my life by all the bad shit that’s happened to me. But it has presented real limitations which I have had to deal with on a regular basis, and in doing so, it has become a part of me. At this point it’s not something I would want to undo. I like the person it has helped shape me into. I like that I’m not afraid to talk about it when it needs talking about. I’m a more emotionally courageous person because of it, much more likely to take emotional risks (like, say, falling in love despite knowing I was completely batshit.) I’ve lived with extreme emotions for so long that I’ve become very good at dealing with my own feelings, and those of others. > > What I’m saying is, I can’t be separated from my mental illness or my life experience. Knowing that, I would rather be with someone who loves me because of it than someone who considers it a burden. For years I believed my husband had loved me _in spite of_ it all, and it wasn’t until two or three years ago that I really got it. He’d been in one of his psychology classes and someone started talking about hypothetically being in a relationship with someone who was mentally ill - and they remarked that that they didn’t understand why anyone would hook up with someone who was seriously mentally ill. He was spitting mad as he told me about it, just sort of blurting out his thoughts, and he said, “It’s not like I’ve been doing the fucking noble thing all these years. I haven’t been with you out of a sense of benevolence. I’ve been with you because that’s what was best for me!” Then I realized, it wasn’t something he had to put up with - it was something that drove his feelings about me. I’m not saying I’m not a royal PITA for him at times, but the bottom line is that without this thing, this sort of disability, there would be no me for him to love. He saw how I chose to respond to it and he loved me for that. > > In the same way, I don’t imagine you would be you if you had not experienced this accident and had to deal with the fallout and your subsequent disability. Some people find it incredibly sexy when one deftly handles adversity, and the wheelchair may very well represent not what you cannot do, but what you have had to overcome. I don’t know if that was the case for you, but it’s at least another way of looking at it. I really think we are saying the same thing. In my case, my disability and my wheelchair would be attractive _not in and of themselves_ but for what they’ve represented as learning experiences and obstacles that I’ve had to incorporate into my life in my quest to lead a fulfilling life. This is exactly what I meant when I said what I said in the text of mine that you quoted. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2012, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/98 "2012-05-22T01:35:48Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > That’s the extreme end of it - the reality it’s a _spectrum_ and there are probably plenty of people squicked by the DPW extremes who, nonetheless, are along the novelty-is-good/minor-attraction/gets-off-on-the-“naughty” range > > It’s like saying _everyone_ with a SCI is in a wheelchair. Actually, no they aren’t - my spouse definitely has a SCI but he’s up and walking and still definitely disabled, even if in a different way than you or **umkay**. > > Or, to keep this in the realm of well-known sex fetish, there are people who are so fixated on feet they literally can not become aroused or orgasm without foot play and who pretty aren’t attracted to anything BUT feet. And that is weird and they’re never going to have a normal relationship. But there are many others who like feet, enjoy feet, having fun incorporating feet into sex but who also enjoy other forms of sex and indeed can have meaningful sex with no feet involved at all. Those folks have a fetish, but not a crippling one. > > The question is whether or not the young man mentioned in the OP is on the extreme, or closer to the middle range of the spectrum. I can agree with this. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2012, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/99 "2012-05-22T01:45:08Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > **Ambivalid** , it just seems that you have defined the “true” devote so that your definition is accurate. Someone who just has a preference is not a real devote, so you don’t have to concern yourself with them. This is faulty reasoning. If you look at the quote that contained that reasoning, I conceded that the actual definition of the term included such “preferences”; my thoughts were just that: my thoughts and my opinion. In addition to doing a lot of reading and research on the subject of “DPWs”, I have had some personal experience. My experiences with devotees has been in-line with what much of the research says as well. I never meant to suggest that she shouldn’t go for it. I was one of the first people to suggest she do so. I just want to make sure she knows what the reality of the situation very well may turn out to be. I don’t think she’s in any _danger_ by dating this guy. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2012, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/100 "2012-05-22T02:28:35Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > Mind if I steal this for my sig line - with attribution, of course? I’d be most honored… 😃 > [@umkay](#): > > UPDATE: Mr. Devote just called and asked me to dinner like, now. I intend to get some questions answered. I’ll let you all know how it gooooeees… Romance & candles…! Those moments leading to anticipation. Will you click? Will you have fun? And… maybe… first kiss…? 😉 😃 May love bloom past doubts gloom! Moments of time emotions sublime failed by rhyme please, Hearts! _Zoom…!_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380.md?page=6)