# Should I date a devoté? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 19, 2012, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380 "2012-05-19T01:32:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2012, 7:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/121 "2012-05-23T07:16:02Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > I like you, kid. When I figure out how to afford an airplane again let’s go flying. If we can’t figure out how to get you into the co-pilot’s seat we’ll duct-tape you to a strut and you can add wing-walking to your resume. How about it? I’m in! And I’m secretly hoping that we won’t figure out a way to get me into the co-pilot’s seat. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2012, 7:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/122 "2012-05-23T07:29:56Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > ]can you… have sex? Or rather, could he have sex with you? LOL. Yes, I can have sex. They didn’t sew me up down there or something when I broke my neck! :eek: And, just to be clear, what is the difference between me “having sex” and him “having sex with me?” I can’t move my body, but that doesn’t mean guys “do sex to” me or something. I’m an active participant, I assure you. > [@Rigamarole](#): > > ]I suppose you could give oral sex - would you? Have you (not to him but to anyone)? I can do oral, quite well actually (or so I’m told). And I’m the dream girl who doesn’t mind it, because it’s one of the few things I can actively do during sex, and I like to show off. 😉 I can also receive oral. I can’t feel it, but if the dude is into it, I don’t mind watching. > [@Rigamarole](#): > > ]ETA: I just saw the part in your last update about having had sex in the past with men… what is it like for you? Do the parts still function (i.e. lubricate on its own)? I also have a thread going called “Ask the Girl in the Wheelchair,” and I go into quite a bit of detail about sex for me and how I (yes, occasionally) orgasm. But, Cliff’s Notes: I’ve had sex many times, starting when I was 19, and I enjoy it very much. I don’t lubricate well, but that’s what AstroGlide is for. I’ve learned that sex for me needs to include a lot of talking. Not only for the guy’s sake, so he knows I’m into it even though I can’t show it by arching my back off the bed or wrapping my legs around his waist, but also so I know what he’s doing to me anyplace I can’t see. ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2012, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/123 "2012-05-23T07:35:36Z")
> [@fifty-six](#): > > How did he measure up on his feeding skills? Did you order spaghetti to challenge him? Burgers seems hard. He was really sweet, really gentle. 🙂 No problems there, though I had to keep reminding him to feed himself, too. And though I was tempted to order the barbecue chicken or split pea soup just to be devilish, I went with a chicken Caesar salad instead. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Odesio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/odesio/32/20003_2.png) [@Odesio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odesio)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2012, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/124 "2012-05-23T10:44:08Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > While most communities of disabled people share a certain camaraderie, I’ve never heard of or seen one like the deaf community. The biggest thing that separates the deaf from society at large is our (deaf and hearing) inability to communicate with one another effectively. Most deaf people cannot read lips and most people just don’t know how to sign. You can jot notes down with a deaf person but it’s tedious for all parties involved and a tough way to get to know someone. > [@](#): > > So why do deaf people think being deaf is awesome, and I don’t think being paralyzed is awesome? Because there’s a deaf culture that says it’s not a disability. A culture that has it’s own language, arts, etiquette, etc., etc. that sets them apart from mainstream society. Nothing like that exists for most other people with disabilities so far as I’m aware. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2012, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/125 "2012-05-23T12:59:50Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > I’m in! And I’m secretly hoping that we won’t figure out a way to get me into the co-pilot’s seat. 😃 :smack: She’s a skydiver, why would she want to be _inside_ the airplane…? Actually, getting _out_ of the airplane is frequently more difficult than getting in. My spouse once got himself into a small airplane but wound up needing 2 people to get him out of it again. _::: goes off to purchase duct tape :::_ ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2012, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/126 "2012-05-23T16:35:24Z")
> [@Odesio](#): > > The biggest thing that separates the deaf from society at large is our (deaf and hearing) inability to communicate with one another effectively. Most deaf people cannot read lips and most people just don’t know how to sign. You can jot notes down with a deaf person but it’s tedious for all parties involved and a tough way to get to know someone. And I can tell you, it’s made tougher if you can’t gesture with your hands and you have to write with a pen in your mouth. When I met my twin brother’s in-laws, it was really nice to have my SIL there to interpret for us. > [@Odesio](#): > > Because there’s a deaf culture that says it’s not a disability. A culture that has it’s own language, arts, etiquette, etc., etc. that sets them apart from mainstream society. Nothing like that exists for most other people with disabilities so far as I’m aware. And I kind of think deaf people are B.A. for this attitude. “We didn’t want to be a part of your stupid hearing community anyway!” 😛 My brother has been learning sign over the past couple years, and I’m jealous I can’t be a part of that. Plus, I’ve met at least two hot deaf guys through my SIL, but I think it’s a lost cause… By any chance, are you deaf? (I’m not hitting on you lol) ---
**Author:** ![Odesio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/odesio/32/20003_2.png) [@Odesio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odesio)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2012, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/127 "2012-05-23T17:44:56Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > By any chance, are you deaf? (I’m not hitting on you lol) Nope. I just have a keen interest in learning about people who aren’t like me. We had a neat thread in Great Debates a few years back about whether or not being deaf was a disability you might want to look for if the subject interests you. I came on the side of disability given a few experiences I’ve had with deaf people over the years. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2012, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/128 "2012-05-23T17:50:31Z")
> [@umkay](#): > > But I can do them just as well as an AB person if I have the time and energy. You right you can. > [@umkay](#): > > You may have already picked this up, but I’m kind of B.A. 😉 What’s that? Badass? 'cause, yeah. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2012, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/129 "2012-05-23T20:17:59Z")
This thread has been just fascinating as all hell. A great open discussion about the human mind and psychology…and with a great first date to boot! ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2012, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/130 "2012-05-23T22:02:59Z")
> [@Sir\_T-Cups](#): > > This thread has been just fascinating as all hell. A great open discussion about the human mind and psychology…and with a great first date to boot! I’m so glad you like it! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![umkay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/43a26b/32.png) [@umkay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umkay)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2012, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/131 "2012-05-23T22:04:03Z")
> [@Sigmagirl](#): > > What’s that? Badass? 'cause, yeah. 🆒 Ding ding ding! 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2012, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/132 "2012-05-23T22:30:23Z")
Even though I’m a bagger, and bagger shouldn’t be juicers, I’d RESENT the devotee! I want a woman to love ME, not my chair! ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2012, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/133 "2012-05-23T23:21:04Z")
I’m glad that you like the dude, and I think it’s kind of cool that everyone’s excited. Obviously I’m about to attempt to harsh everyone’s buzz now that I’ve said that, but 1. you were there, so what the hell do I know and 2. I’m admittedly predisposed to seeing the worst in a dynamic like this one. Anyway, in the spirit of the question you asked originally, I have to say that this: > [@](#): > > And here’s the strange/hilarious thing he told me: When he’s with an AB girl, sexually, he has a hard time getting in the mood unless he imagines her paralyzed.Whaaa?? To be clear, he has no demented intention of harming her and he doesn’t necessarily want that particular girl to have a tragic accident or anything. It just turns him on to think about whatever woman he’s having sex with being paralyzed. Which I find hysterical, because I’m pretty sure most men I’ve slept with have been fantasizing that I wasn’t paralyzed. > > Naturally, I pushed the issue further and wanted to know why the idea of a paralyzed woman was so hottt to him. Did he get off on the power dynamic? Did he want to dominate her? Did he have fantasies of humiliating or hurting her, and her not being able to fight back? At this, he was truly horrified. Really, he looked like he was going to vomit. NO, he said. If anything, the thing that turned him on was the thought of being the person she depended on most for help, comfort, safety. He gets off on the idea of being a guardian. What a freak, right? And yeah, he admitted there’s a major sexual aspect to the thrill. But he doesn’t know why, or how to describe it any better than that. is kind of exactly what I would expect an unhealthy sexual attraction to quadriplegic people to sound like. I mean, there are lots of ways I can imagine he’d sound worse, but I don’t think it’s normal to need a woman to be incapable of taking care of herself in order to perform sexually. I’m not sure how everyone else is reading that, but as horrified as he was that you suggested he’d get off on dominating her, it doesn’t seem like very much of a stretch to imagine that if he needs her to be helpless to be stimulated (so much so that if she isn’t, he’ll imagine she is), he’s not going to react very well to her asserting herself. There are different ways that a need to be controlling can manifest itself, and this really seems like one to me. It comes off like a hamhanded metaphor for itself. But maybe this is just me. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2012, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/134 "2012-05-23T23:25:14Z")
> [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](#): > > I’m glad that you like the dude, and I think it’s kind of cool that everyone’s excited. Obviously I’m about to attempt to harsh everyone’s buzz now that I’ve said that, but 1. you were there, so what the hell do I know and 2. I’m admittedly predisposed to seeing the worst in a dynamic like this one. > > Anyway, in the spirit of the question you asked originally, I have to say that this: > is kind of exactly what I would expect an unhealthy sexual attraction to quadriplegic people to sound like. I mean, there are lots of ways I can imagine he’d sound worse, but I don’t think it’s normal to need a woman to be incapable of taking care of herself in order to perform sexually. I’m not sure how everyone else is reading that, but as horrified as he was that you suggested he’d get off on dominating her, it doesn’t seem like very much of a stretch to imagine that if he needs her to be helpless to be stimulated (so much so that if she isn’t, he’ll imagine she is), he’s not going to react very well to her asserting herself. There are different ways that a need to be controlling can manifest itself, and this really seems like one to me. It comes off like a hamhanded metaphor for itself. But maybe this is just me. Ding ding ding. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2012, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/135 "2012-05-24T00:39:52Z")
> [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](#): > > I’m glad that you like the dude, and I think it’s kind of cool that everyone’s excited. Obviously I’m about to attempt to harsh everyone’s buzz now that I’ve said that, but 1. you were there, so what the hell do I know and 2. I’m admittedly predisposed to seeing the worst in a dynamic like this one. > > Anyway, in the spirit of the question you asked originally, I have to say that this: > is kind of exactly what I would expect an unhealthy sexual attraction to quadriplegic people to sound like. I mean, there are lots of ways I can imagine he’d sound worse, but I don’t think it’s normal to need a woman to be incapable of taking care of herself in order to perform sexually. I’m not sure how everyone else is reading that, but as horrified as he was that you suggested he’d get off on dominating her, it doesn’t seem like very much of a stretch to imagine that if he needs her to be helpless to be stimulated (so much so that if she isn’t, he’ll imagine she is), he’s not going to react very well to her asserting herself. There are different ways that a need to be controlling can manifest itself, and this really seems like one to me. It comes off like a hamhanded metaphor for itself. But maybe this is just me. > **[Sign in - Google Accounts](https://accounts.google.com/v3/signin/identifier?continue=https%3A%2F%2Fsites.google.com%2Fsite%2Fabasioinfo%2FHome%2Ffactitious&followup=https%3A%2F%2Fsites.google.com%2Fsite%2Fabasioinfo%2FHome%2Ffactitious&ifkv=AdBytiNmDNFdprmOhENTWs68CMzT1s_XjeHoluJqrupYonFG99-fVaOe9sbSngDGSiscrA2eQ1I7&osid=1&passive=1209600&flowName=GlifWebSignIn&flowEntry=ServiceLogin&dsh=S-400042505%3A1750547811259309)** This is a study that looks at the shared psychological problem at the root of **DPWs**. I don’t think devotees are necessarily bad, or dangerous, people; I just think that they suffer from psychological problems (probably sexual in nature as well as others) that will prevent them from being in _healthy_ relationships. And of course, towards the extreme, they _can_ be dangerous. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2012, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/136 "2012-05-24T00:41:30Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Ding ding ding. I HONESTLY had no idea that **Umkay** posted this same thing earlier in the thread. This makes it look like I was mocking her post or something; I definitely wasn’t. Just a coinky-dink. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2012, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/137 "2012-05-24T02:32:09Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > [http://sites.google.com/site/abasioinfo/Home/factitious](http://sites.google.com/site/abasioinfo/Home/factitious) > > This is a study that looks at the shared psychological problem at the root of **DPWs**. I don’t think devotees are necessarily bad, or dangerous, people; I just think that they suffer from psychological problems (probably sexual in nature as well as others) that will prevent them from being in _healthy_ relationships. And of course, towards the extreme, they _can_ be dangerous. > **[Redirect Notice](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=scholarly%20articles%20on%20wheelchair%20devotees&source=web&cd=16&ved=0CIsBEBYwBTgK&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bentvoices.org%2Fculturecrash%2Faguilera_disability_delight.htm&ei=a5q9T7zpGoe16gGvsaUk&usg=AFQjCNGr1LXHkeq2Zio6lkMy48kP_MrTMQ)** This is a fairer look at devotees, IMO. One that takes a critical eye to the study in the above quoted link. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2012, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/138 "2012-05-24T03:05:55Z")
You know, if all Mr. D has done up until this point is _fantasize_ about being in a relationship with a disabled woman he might find the reality isn’t as wonderful as the fantasy. The warnings about dominance, risk, and creepy boyfriends are appropriate to balance out the good cheer, but domineering men and risk of creeps is something ALL women have to face on the date-and-mate scene, able-bodied or disabled. As **umkay** is sexually experienced, educated, employed, and not dependent on keeping a relationship with a man in order to remain housed, fed, and cared for she is actually in a better position to avoid and/or extract herself from an abusive/skeevy relationship than some able-bodied women. Yeah, Mr. D apparently has a kink. Is it a kink that requires his partner to remain dependent or helpless, or is part of the appeal helping someone do and accomplish things? If he makes love to a quad is it just about his orgasm or does he fantasize getting _her_ off, too? It just strikes me that human sexuality is complicated and varied. One can have a fetish without it being harmful to oneself or others. Or one can be fetish-free yet also a domineering and abusive partner. Sex can be all about the one particular kink or the kink can be an addition to “normal” sex. Ultimately, the decision is up to **umkay** , of course, and the young man in question. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2012, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/139 "2012-05-24T13:56:57Z")
_ **I** _ make my disability attractive; my disability doesn’t make me attractive. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2012, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380/140 "2012-05-24T14:04:52Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > _ **I** _ make my disability attractive; my disability doesn’t make me attractive. I’m sure you do\*\* Ambi\*\*! I endevour to do the same for myself! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-date-a-devote/622380.md?page=8)