# Should I give my ex the Christmas gift I bought her? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 7, 2012, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317 "2012-12-07T17:43:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2012, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/61 "2012-12-10T16:30:56Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > Wanting to be with someone in some way is pretty much the definition of “strong feelings” in a broad sense. I don’t know why you’d take issue with that. Because people can have strong feelings for someone, but be smart enough to know wanting to be with someone isn’t the only reason to be with someone. There are plenty of reasons to breakup even if you still love or want someone. Example: I broke up with a boyfriend because we would fight all the time about stupid little things, but I loved that boy so much. I just realized the stress of the relationship wasn’t worth the few moments of bliss we had. We are still friends and I still have feelings for him because he as my first love, but I have moved on and am happily married going on 8 years. ---
**Author:** ![Trom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@Trom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trom)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2012, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/62 "2012-12-10T16:36:01Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > When did I say that divorcees never had strong feelings for each other? I said they won’t break up if they have strong feelings for each other, that’s all. If they don’t, they divorce. They may very well have had strong feelings in the past. I never said otherwise. > > Nor have I ever attempted to define “strong feelings” as a permanent relationship. The desire for a permanent relationship is simply one indicator of those feelings. > > Let me ask you again. Why didn’t you marry her? I know you said your feelings faded by year four, but why didn’t you want to marry her in year two? Of course, nobody knows if they’ll fall out of love two or six or twenty years down the line, but people still do it every day. Why didn’t you? In year two I had just graduated from college. Marriage wasn’t on the table for me at that time in my life. I dated a girl for almost 6 years. Towards the beginning of the relationship we separated briefly. Before and after that break I had strong feelings for her. Eventually, those feelings faded and the relationship didn’t work out. As decided by me, the all-knowing, all-powerful judge in this case, those are the indisputable facts. All I was attempting to do was provide an anecdote that contradicted your statement that people never break up with people they have strong feelings for. As to what I think the OP should do - don’t give her the necklace. Return it. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2012, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/63 "2012-12-10T16:41:13Z")
> [@drew870mitchell](#): > > If you can’t return it go ahead and give it to her in a sloppy, obviously nonromantic way. (“So I was going to give you this and I can’t use it myself so I thought you should still have it…”) Why? Because she’ll wear this gift from the guy she kicked to the curb? She’ll just throw it away, which is what the OP should do because he’ll at least get to keep his dignity if it’ll just end up in the garbage anyway. > [@April\_R](#): > > I just realized the stress of the relationship wasn’t worth the few moments of bliss we had. We are still friends and I still have feelings for him because he as my first love, but I have moved on and am happily married going on 8 years. I have no idea why people fight this idea so vociferously, but you just said it right there - “wasn’t worth the few moments of bliss we had.” When you can say that, you don’t have strong feelings anymore, because interest cuts through everything. Someone else in the same situation might say “There’s a lot of shit that aggravates me, but the good times make it worth it.” There’s a whole other thread on that right now. People with strong feelings will go to the ends of the earth for each other. I know I would have in the past. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2012, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/64 "2012-12-10T16:43:12Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > That only means you didn’t have strong enough feelings to want to keep trying to make it work. Wait… what? You do realize that it is possible to have strong feelings for someone but also acknowledge that it’s not working out, right? I used to think that love could right all wrongs, and I still like to believe it’s true, but it doesn’t work out that way, especially if the two aren’t on the same page. That a woman might stay with an abusive husband because of her strong feelings isn’t an indication that strong feelings will make anything work, it’s an indication that strong feelings can blind one to the flaws of a failed relationship. She can love him as much as she wants, but that’s not going to make him stop abusing her. Hell, I’ve even had a few situations where we both had very strong feelings for the other, but that couldn’t change the circumstances that made a healthy relationship between the two of us impossible. But even in those cases, we were able to break up amicably or realize that romance wouldn’t work and remain friends, and one of those situations is my oldest and dearest friend, so we still have strong feelings even now. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2012, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/65 "2012-12-10T16:51:38Z")
> [@Trom](#): > > As decided by me, the all-knowing, all-powerful judge in this case, those are the indisputable facts. All I was attempting to do was provide an anecdote that contradicted your statement that people never break up with people they have strong feelings for. Well, we define “strong feelings” very differently. I don’t believe people who are genuinely crazy about each other ever attenuate their statements, like “I really want to marry her more than anything but it’s not the right time,” or “I really want to be with him more than anything but I don’t want to move to his city because I’d have to find a new job.” There’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling any of that. It just means that, bottom line, you are picking what you want more, no matter what you say. But in the end, your ex was out, regardless of your path there. Like I would have predicted. ---
**Author:** ![Trom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@Trom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trom)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2012, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/66 "2012-12-10T16:55:49Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > Well, we define “strong feelings” very differently. I don’t believe people who are genuinely crazy about each other ever attenuate their statements, like “I really want to marry her more than anything but it’s not the right time,” or “I really want to be with him more than anything but I don’t want to move to his city because I’d have to find a new job.” There’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling any of that. It just means that, bottom line, you are picking what you want more, no matter what you say. > > But in the end, your ex was out, regardless of your path there. Like I would have predicted. Hooray, we both win. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2012, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/67 "2012-12-10T16:58:54Z")
**RS** , you have bought the Hollywood love story hook line and sinker 😉 It’s cute, but it isn’t reality. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2012, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/68 "2012-12-10T17:00:06Z")
> [@Blaster\_Master](#): > > But even in those cases, we were able to break up amicably or realize that romance wouldn’t work and remain friends, and one of those situations is my oldest and dearest friend, so we still have strong feelings even now. Your feelings are so strong for her even now that you don’t mind seeing her date other people? ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2012, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/69 "2012-12-10T17:03:18Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > **RS** , you have bought the Hollywood love story hook line and sinker 😉 It’s cute, but it isn’t reality. I usually am accused of the opposite, so I’ll take it. I’m not saying the feeling lasts forever. Eventually you move in together, get bored of each other, and then start banging other people on the side. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2012, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/70 "2012-12-10T17:04:53Z")
Oh never mind. Why bother? ---
**Author:** ![Vita\_Beata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@Vita\_Beata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vita_Beata)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2012, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/71 "2012-12-10T17:06:38Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Use the money on an eHarmony account! Return the necklace as soon as possible. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go out on some new dates. Best wishes! ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2012, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/72 "2012-12-10T17:19:46Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > I don’t feel like probing or dickering so I’ll take your word for it, but considering how many women will even stay with flat-out abusive partners (and the #1 cited reason in one poll is [love](http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2011/06/why-women-stay-in-abusive-rela.html)), I wouldn’t say you’re typical. I’m typical enough in that way. I’ve cut off all contact him for 1-2 years at a time, three times, so that still counts as breaking up, but then he woos me relentlessly until I go back. Which definitely would not work if I didn’t have strong feelings for him, because it’s so obviously a giant mistake. Eventually you’ll see me all over the news for killing him, and that’s like the ultimate breakup, but it also indicates some pretty strong feelings. ---
**Author:** ![Modern\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@Modern\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Modern_Master)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2012, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/73 "2012-12-10T17:45:33Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > Take it back for a refund. > She is totally over you. > She has a new bf. > > The fact that you think she is ‘different’ doesn’t say anything about her, but it gives the entire story about you. You have been given the bum’s rush, and don’t know it. You can save your dignity and $80 bucks by taking it back, and realizing she has no feelings for you. > You will not get back together with her. Or, if you do, it will be just to keep her amused till her next new bf comes along. > She may have strong feelings for you, but they are not romantic ones. > You are being fooled by the concept of ‘ex-datemates-as-friends’. It is letting you down easy so you don’t go postal. > > Sorry. This needs an up-vote. > [@Vita\_Beata](#): > > Return the necklace as soon as possible. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go out on some new dates. Best wishes! This too. ---
**Author:** ![kwc27](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ccd318/32.png) [@kwc27](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kwc27)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2012, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/74 "2012-12-14T05:17:49Z")
She’s back. I waited around feeling shitty and finally got a long email explaining what was happening. What it boils down to is her younger sister just got her first bf. They are very romantic. Although I am good to her, I am not romantic. I’m stiff as a board. She went on to say she wanted a relationship where we touched, kissed, hugged, and cuddled more. If I surprised her once in awhile and actually picked up the phone instead of just texting. I was shocked, I thought I had been smothering her, considering her lack of experience I thought maybe she was scared of getting physical, so I held off on a lot of stuff. I never thought to pick up the phone or do any of that stuff. I’ve never dated anyone normal, and I’m a shy guy myself. She went on to say how it was her fault too since she was too shy to say anything before so she just let it snowball and crash like it did. And she regretted that. She then stated that she wanted to start over and work together into something even better than we had before. I agreed. So I am not taking back the necklace. Might give it to her around Christmas, might wait until VD. Either way, I am happy we figured this out. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2012, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/75 "2012-12-14T05:34:09Z")
Take it from an old married lady - _talk to her_. Don’t assume anything; don’t assume what she is feeling, or what she wants, or what she likes, or why she is doing things. Don’t assume she knows what’s going on with you, either. I hope the two of you can work things out. Keep talking; keep communicating; keep telling each other how things are going, and what is working and what isn’t. ---
**Author:** ![kwc27](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ccd318/32.png) [@kwc27](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kwc27)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2012, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/76 "2012-12-14T05:39:56Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Take it from an old married lady - _talk to her_. Don’t assume anything; don’t assume what she is feeling, or what she wants, or what she likes, or why she is doing things. Don’t assume she knows what’s going on with you, either. > > I hope the two of you can work things out. Keep talking; keep communicating; keep telling each other how things are going, and what is working and what isn’t. Yep, that’s what’s gonna have to be big with us from now on. Neither one of us like to talk. I am the guy though, and typically I don’t see much wrong, so I just go with the flow. Her being the girl is different. She probably has a bigger heart than me and has stuff she needs to talk about. Kinda stems back to our first date (her first date, PERIOD) when I carried the whole conversation and she said maybe ten words and just smiled the whole time. If I wanna make it work, I gotta talk. ---
**Author:** ![luv2draw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/46a35a/32.png) [@luv2draw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/luv2draw)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2012, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/77 "2012-12-14T05:57:24Z")
> [@kwc27](#): > > She’s back. > > I waited around feeling shitty and finally got a long email explaining what was happening. > > What it boils down to is her younger sister just got her first bf. They are very romantic. Although I am good to her, I am not romantic. I’m stiff as a board. She went on to say she wanted a relationship where we touched, kissed, hugged, and cuddled more. If I surprised her once in awhile and actually picked up the phone instead of just texting. > > I was shocked, I thought I had been smothering her, considering her lack of experience I thought maybe she was scared of getting physical, so I held off on a lot of stuff. I never thought to pick up the phone or do any of that stuff. I’ve never dated anyone normal, and I’m a shy guy myself. > > She went on to say how it was her fault too since she was too shy to say anything before so she just let it snowball and crash like it did. And she regretted that. > > She then stated that she wanted to start over and work together into something even better than we had before. I agreed. > > So I am not taking back the necklace. Might give it to her around Christmas, might wait until VD. Either way, I am happy we figured this out. Take it from an older woman. She just realized she will be dateless for all the upcoming holiday functions. Her sister has a new bf and she doesn’t want to go to the family functions/holiday parties without a guy on her arm too. Tread lightly, my young friend, tread lightly. ---
**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2012, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/78 "2012-12-14T06:37:16Z")
> [@luv2draw](#): > > Take it from an older woman. She just realized she will be dateless for all the upcoming holiday functions. Her sister has a new bf and she doesn’t want to go to the family functions/holiday parties without a guy on her arm too. Tread lightly, my young friend, tread lightly. Yes, exactly! Also, she has another boyfriend, who she is newly pregnant by, and plans to, once it’s born, milk you for child support money for all that you’re worth. She learned last week that she is HIV positive, but hasn’t told you yet because she wants to make sure you two have unprotected sex so that you’ll believe her baby is yours. She plans to have you assassinated the day her bastard cuckoo-child turns 18 and you’re no longer of any financial use. She will then move away to Mauritania with her illicit lover, who she has of course been sleeping with all along, and her son, who unbeknownst to you, she has also been sleeping with all along. With all your child support monies, they will buy the finest grass hut in Nouakchott and do nothing but sing mirthful songs and make increasingly monstrous incest babies until they all finally die. Of AIDS. Trust me, I’m the oldest woman of them all. We pulled that one all the time back in my day! Oldest trick in the book. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![SweetiePotato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb9ed0/32.png) [@SweetiePotato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SweetiePotato)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2012, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/79 "2012-12-14T06:46:13Z")
I think this is where her relationship inexperience comes into play. All of a sudden, she gets a quick view into a different relationship, and thinks, “oh, wait, THIS is what I want!” If all it takes for her to break up with you is seeing a different guy in action, I’d proceed with caution. Realistically, if you’re satisfied and happy in a relationship, you don’t get immediately jealous of your sister’s new boy-toy. I’d also argue that boys who aren’t romantic don’t buy jewelry as gifts, so perhaps you’re not as “unromantic” as she’s pegged you. Perhaps you just need to let that side of yours out a little more. ---
**Author:** ![Namkcalb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c89c15/32.png) [@Namkcalb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Namkcalb)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2012, 8:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317/80 "2012-12-14T08:32:10Z")
> [@kwc27](#): > > She then stated that she wanted to start over and work together into something even better than we had before. I agreed. > > So I am not taking back the necklace. Might give it to her around Christmas, might wait until VD. Either way, I am happy we figured this out. Good for you, I hope you both turn this into something beautiful. Don’t listen to the nay-sayers, they are just being pesimistic. Worse case scenario, you waste a few months of your life, best case scenario, you’ll be going gray together. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-give-my-ex-the-christmas-gift-i-bought-her/643317.md?page=5)