# Should I go to my GF's B-day party? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 12, 2015, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970 "2015-07-12T20:48:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2015, 9:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/41 "2015-07-16T09:52:32Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > And as mentioned upthread, they’ll be cake. And when come back, bring cake. I never liked pie much. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2015, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/42 "2015-07-16T14:28:43Z")
I’d just go, with the intention of not interacting with the guy any more than absolutely required by civility. If forced to interact with him, I’d be polite, but not friendly. And if he tries to start shit, I’d be polite but firmly refuse to engage in any shenanigans. Basically be polite, and if he starts shit, make sure that everyone else sees that HE’S the asshole, not you. ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2015, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/43 "2015-07-16T19:55:39Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > …they haven’t been involved in 20 years. As mentioned, what does his opinion of you or his ex wife’s relationship with you matter? 19 years ago, it maybe could have mattered, but certainly not now. He’d be there as an invited guest of the 22 year old child. His status as her ex of 20 years is far inferior to your status as her current significant other. You should have no reason to feel uncomfortable in any way by attending this party. In fact, I’d be so bold as to suggest that your invitation is assumed and attendance expected, given your relationship status. Let him be the one to post a thread, worrying if he should attend. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2015, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/44 "2015-07-17T00:53:28Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > So, my GF’s bithday is coming up. Her kids are planing a dinner for her at her home. > > One of her kids (she’s actually 22) invited her father to the party. Which that in itself wouldn’t be a problem, they haven’t been involved in 20 years. But the thing is, every since he’s seen our pictures of us together on Facebook (my GF and I) he’s been talking crazy trash about me. The guy has never met me. (Apparently, the guy just went through a second divorce and is now lonely and pining for his old GF of 20 years ago back.) > > Anyway, I’m conflicted, I don’t want to go there and be nice to some dude I know doesn’t have an ounce of respect for me. I don’t like being “fake” nice to people. > > But then OTOH, if I DON’T go, maybe he gets some sort of small victory out of it? Would it be juvenile to engage him in such petty games? > > I know, as soon as I tell my GF all this she’s going to be like: “Well, fuck that, he ain’t coming then!” I’m going to request she not do that. Because if she does, her kid is just going to resent me for it. I can’t believe the madness of your even \*considering \*going: 1. The kids are throwing the party. This IS significant because a. They invited the other parent. b. They should very well know that Dad hasn’t been part of Mom’s life for 19 years and c. It is a “Fuck you” to you, **Shakes**. Or else, to Mom. Or, to the both of you, for cutting Dad out of the picture. They are divorced for a reason, and the kids should blamed well know what that reason is. And, they do. You are considering walking into this ambush? You are drunk or possessed. 2. Dad is trashing you for your FB pics? Danger! Danger! **Shakes Robinson**! If he’s not a loon, he wouldn’t be trash talking you. 20 years down the pike, and he’s upset about her new beau??? Better do some hard thinkin’ on this, my friend. 3. Tell Mom. She won’t think the less of you, and she may well think you are brilliant to be able to sidestep this horrifying situ. If she gets upset, it should be a red flag for you to take into consideration. 4. Get back at the kids by coming by after the party and taking her out for a nice romantic evening. Best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2015, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/45 "2015-07-17T01:43:24Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > I know, as soon as I tell my GF all this she’s going to be like: “Well, fuck that, he ain’t coming then!” I’m going to request she not do that. Because if she does, her kid is just going to resent me for it. > [@Shakes](#): > > I know, as soon as I tell my GF all this she’s going to be like: “Well, fuck that, he ain’t coming then!” You mean, she’s even considering him being there? > [@Shakes](#): > > I’m going to request she not do that. Re-think and abandon this course of action. > [@Shakes](#): > > Because if she does, her kid is just going to resent me for it. Can you guess what I’m thinking right now? ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2015, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/46 "2015-07-17T17:00:51Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > Can you guess what I’m thinking right now? It’s time to go look in the mirror again? ---
**Author:** ![Mallard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Mallard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mallard)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2015, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/47 "2015-07-17T18:43:39Z")
> [@Dag\_Otto](#): > > I vote for not going. Then give the daughter a book on etiquette. As a step parent for nearly 30 years (and now a step grand) I cannot emphasize enough how WRONG that idea is. You have to go and “be nice”. If he behaves like a dick you need to ensure that you cannot even be construed as having started anything. I assure you, step parenting is tough as when they’re young children you have all of the responsibilities of being a parent with little to none of the privileges as they will always love their father way, way, more than they will ever love you. Best way to alienate your SO is to be hated by her kids, the relationship will be doomed. Society demands that if she’s any kind of a mother, her kids will come first no matter what. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2015, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/48 "2015-07-17T19:00:06Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > Her kid resenting you for it is better than the other two options to be honest. You missing her bday party should be out of the question. I think the bigger worry would be the guy causing a scene rather than you having to be “fake nice” to him. Really the best option is for her to uninvite him without you having to take the blame. What **DigitalC** said. Not to mention, it’s your GF’s birthday, not your GF’s daughter’s birthday. Your GF, not her daughter, gets to decide who’s invited. If for some reason, your GF doesn’t disinvite her ex, go anyway, and be fake nice to him for the few hours the party lasts. (Minimize time spent in the same conversation with him to the extent that you can do so politely, but when you’re interacting with him, be polite and don’t make waves.) Showing up for stuff like this is important. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2015, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/49 "2015-07-17T19:42:47Z")
In the words of the 21st century’s most poignant songwriter: > [@](#): > > 'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play. > And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. > Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, > I shake it off, I shake it off ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2015, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/50 "2015-07-17T20:58:13Z")
I’m not sure if **Handsome Harry** is serious. Let’s go with not. But I like the private dinner/evening/occasion later idea. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2015, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/51 "2015-07-17T21:49:56Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > Well, I didn’t think it was possible to improve upon Mark Twain… It wasn’t. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/soul_brother_number_two/32/3515_2.png) [@Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soul_Brother_Number_Two)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2015, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/52 "2015-07-17T23:03:21Z")
He said he was going to go, people. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2015, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/53 "2015-07-17T23:14:15Z")
I don’t think we were saying he shouldn’t. Other than **HH** , possibly. (We may have a case of “not all comments were read”, not that that ever happens here. Nope.) I was merely observing that I thought that the after celebration, sans kids and awkward ex, might be a welcome addition. Just in case she needs to relax. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/54 "2015-07-18T04:11:19Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > It’s time to go look in the mirror again? Marvellous, sir. You are my new hero. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/55 "2015-07-18T04:14:38Z")
> [@ddsun](#): > > I’m not sure if **Handsome Harry** is serious. Let’s go with not. But I like the private dinner/evening/occasion later idea. 🙂 Yep, I’m serious. We have some \*\*depressed \*\*wanker mooning over some woman, and getting upset at pics of her and her BF. Oh, btw, thanks to the kids, they are going to be together at her birthday party. How can anybody see any good in this situation?? ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2015, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/56 "2015-07-18T05:41:07Z")
I’m just completely baffled how a 20 year old thinks Mum would want her ex there, the one who is apparently jealous of her current BF. I still say ‘go’. But to me the whole thing is _weird_. ---
**Author:** ![minlokwat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/minlokwat/32/2844_2.png) [@minlokwat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minlokwat)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2015, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/57 "2015-07-31T11:51:10Z")
Any updates? How was the party? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2015, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/58 "2015-07-31T12:17:05Z")
You know a party was good when you have to change your name afterwards. ---
**Author:** ![excavating\_for\_a\_mind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e8c25b/32.png) [@excavating\_for\_a\_mind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/excavating_for_a_mind)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2015, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/59 "2015-07-31T12:43:41Z")
…or maybe not. ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2015, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970/60 "2015-07-31T14:01:43Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > Emphasis added. This is the key. It’s her party! Whatever makes her happier is the right thing to do. > > And, yes, “fake nice” is vital. If the other guy acts up, make sure everyone knows you never invited it or provoked it. > > ETA: Even “fake nice” isn’t good enough. You must actually be nice. If you’re just faking it, that can be discerned and thus be provocative. Be Nice. Agreed. This is the correct way if you’re invited. Just smile at the ex and say nothing. That way, you can never be accused of starting anything if there’s a problem. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-my-gfs-b-day-party/724970.md?page=4)