# Should I go to this BDSM meeting? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 3, 2003, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085 "2003-04-03T00:23:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/1 "2003-04-03T00:23:31Z")
So, I’ve been a pervert my whole life. Or at least since I was 11 and hitting puberty, before that I was a latent pervert. And when I lived in NYC (where I moved when I was old enough for my perverted thoughts to become actions) this was not a problem, as fellow perverts came thick on the ground there. There, pervert meeting pervert could happen naturally. Organically. As God intended. At a sleazy bar at 2 in the morning. But now I live in the boondocks. And while I’ve been delighted to discover that people in the boondocks also have sex, even weird sex, (and I am delighted beyond words to realize people are weird everywhere) perverts- particularly perverts of the particular stripe one might be looking for- are difficult to locate. So I was looking into some BDSM groups on the web who might be in my area. And I found some. They meet in the food court at the mall. Yeah, nothing says “erotic” like “the food court at the mall”. Look. I understand “safe, sane and consensual”. I believe it. I practice it. Me and the guy from 2 o’clock at the bar knew from safe words. But I’m looking at these web sites and everything is about “relaxed atmosphere”, safety, and a level of wholesomeness that I’m not sure I can equate with the messy business that is sex (even vanilla sex). Sex is not safe. Weird sex is definatly not safe. It’s not supposed to be. You should have condoms, and try to prevent abuse (which is what these groups seem to be trying to do, and I respect that) but …nothing worth doing is…ya know…safe. And the groups I’ve looked into seem to be very much about domesticating weird sex. But I still want to meet people. Should I go to the food court? Or will it just depress me? ---
**Author:** ![Lobsang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobsang/32/4067_2.png) [@Lobsang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobsang)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/2 "2003-04-03T00:28:35Z")
I thought this was going to be post by a dyslexic about going to a dopefest [sub](well someone was going to do it.)[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![DougAB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47c2d/32.png) [@DougAB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DougAB)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/3 "2003-04-03T00:46:37Z")
And I wanted that person to be me. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/4 "2003-04-03T01:05:50Z")
You know, I think there may be a possibility that you were spoiled by life in the big city, but you never know. Whenever I needed something … else … for such wonderful occasions as sex, I’ve turned to the Internet, and there is a possibility that other have as well. The Internethas made location irrelevant in these circumstances, so it is hard to judge. I say try it once. If not, you’ll probably never see any of them again no matter how small the town. ---
**Author:** ![Pammipoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/87869e/32.png) [@Pammipoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pammipoo)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/5 "2003-04-03T03:02:12Z")
I’ve never been to one of the meetings, but I did meet a couple of people from the Boston area BDSM group individually, and they were very nice people. And I can’t imagine the foot court being intimidating…check it out, if it looks weird, get some shopping done 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/6 "2003-04-03T03:49:46Z")
Go for it. There’s a difference between making sure that everybody is comfortable, boundaries respected etc. _before_hand, versus _during._ Tom and I discuss our various scenes very civilly and coherently before and after, but during, it gets _raunchy._ At any rate… go for it! And see how it works. ---
**Author:** ![Zap\_Rowsdower](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3da27b/32.png) [@Zap\_Rowsdower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zap_Rowsdower)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/7 "2003-04-03T03:57:44Z")
Most of the clubs I am aware of have an “introduction” meeting in a public place so both sides can meet and get to know each other and for you to learn about that group. As **matt\_mcl** says, go for it! The worst that can happen is you decide the group is not for you. ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/8 "2003-04-03T22:51:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Pammipoo \* > \*\*I’ve never been to one of the meetings, but I did meet a couple of people from the Boston area BDSM group individually, and they were very nice people. And I can’t imagine the foot court being intimidating…check it out, if it looks weird, get some shopping done 🙂 \*\* Hmmm…maybe you’re the person I should be talking to. 'Cause I’m in the Boston area- that is, New Hampshire, making Boston our local 'big city". So one of the things I was debating was, trek down to Boston, or one of the local groups here. Ultimately I’d rather meet people as individuals rather than go to some meetng, since ultimately, I’m not interested in joining a club, just looking for those elusive souls who are depraved in the same way I’m depraved (well aren’t we all, really :)?) I think y’all are right, and I having nothing to lose by going and seeing. But I’d appreciated any feedback for folks who’ve actually gone to these type of groups. If anything, I’m concerened they may be too “nice” for the likes of me 😉 . I can’t belive I never noticed SDMB was an anagram for BDSM. No wonder I like it here. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/9 "2003-04-04T15:55:23Z")
I used to go out with a girl who was into that sort of stuff. She had found out about it on the Internet somewhere. She’d show me her bruises…I mean she’d show EVERYBODY her bruises. “Hey look, I’m a bottom!” she’d yell as she’d pull up her dress and show all the motted purple bruises on her inner thigh. She was living at the YWCA at the time, and later hitched to Maryland, and I haven’t seen her since. It didn’t turn me on. ---
**Author:** ![Pammipoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/87869e/32.png) [@Pammipoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pammipoo)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/10 "2003-04-04T18:14:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by betenoir \* > \*\*Hmmm…maybe you’re the person I should be talking to. 'Cause I’m in the Boston area- that is, New Hampshire, making Boston our local 'big city". So one of the things I was debating was, trek down to Boston, or one of the local groups here. > \*\* Feel free tom IM/email me…my info is in my profile. I’ll tell you anything I know 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2003, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/11 "2003-04-05T01:56:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Knowed Out \* > \*\*I used to go out with a girl who was into that sort of stuff. She had found out about it on the Internet somewhere. She’d show me her bruises…I mean she’d show EVERYBODY her bruises. > > “Hey look, I’m a bottom!” she’d yell as she’d pull up her dress and show all the motted purple bruises on her inner thigh. She was living at the YWCA at the time, and later hitched to Maryland, and I haven’t seen her since. > > It didn’t turn me on. \*\* Well, thanks, Knowed Out. That was certainly a helpful and relevent post. No really. I can now rule out some girl in Maryland and you, in my quest for a soul mate. The search is ever narrowing :rolleyes: . On a more sincere note, thanks Pammipoo, I’ll be in touch 🙂 . ---
**Author:** ![tavalla](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tavalla/32/89_2.png) [@tavalla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tavalla)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2003, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/12 "2003-04-05T04:18:36Z")
Yep, go along. As **matt\_mcl** implies, just because the social meeting is restrained and polite doesn’t mean that the people you meet there will be that way when they’re not out in Polite Society. And who knows, you might meet someone nice… (Us BDSMers and perverts have such a different definition of ‘nice’, don’t we? :D) ---
**Author:** ![Simbelmyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Simbelmyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simbelmyne)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2003, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/13 "2003-04-05T07:24:17Z")
The guys could look like the comic book shop guy and the women might look like Marge’s sisters. If this is so, the food court is an easy way to scope them out with a walk by before they see you. Careful with the eye contact. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2003, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/14 "2003-04-05T14:38:11Z")
> [@](#): > > (Us BDSMers and perverts have such a different definition of ‘nice’, don’t we? ) “She asked me, ‘Did you stop doing those jokes because you got in trouble with the S&M community?’ What would trouble _be_ for the S&M community? Are they nice to you?! ‘Noogies! Noogies! Gimme a hug!’” - Suzanne Westenhoefer ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@cornflakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2003, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/15 "2003-04-05T15:15:00Z")
My wild-assed guess is that they’re meeting at a food court because either:[ol][li]they don’t want to scare off people by meething at the “Black Death Sadists Lounge”, orthey got kicked out of the Denny’s.[/ol][/li] Go, do, be. Have fun. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Matthew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e480ec/32.png) [@Mr.Matthew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Matthew)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2003, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/16 "2003-04-05T15:27:38Z")
This is just my opinion, **betenoir** but it sounds like you’re less concerned that the meeting is in a public place that has all the sex appeal of Eleanor Roosevelt and more upset that the lifestyle has become increasingly vanilly, fuzzy and feel good. The dumbing down of D/s and S&M as it were. The \*s are mine. [This article](http://www.sexuality.org/latrans.html) by Laura Antoniou addresses some of what you may be feeling. A brief quote below. By no means is this the entire thing and I hope I’m in line with the SDMB policy on quoting copyrighted material. > [@](#): > > Fantasies are not reality. I know, I know, I know. Except when they are. Except when you make them into reality. And f\*\*\* this. I didn’t come out of years of fantasy rescuing myself from a toxic parent and guilt-tripping myself through anti-sex feminism, politically correct lesbianism, and socially programmed homosexual activism so that someone else could make my g **d** \* sex life into a slogan: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. > > What does it mean? Assimilation, that’s what. The politics of appeasement, the hope that, Gee, if we look and act just like everyone else, if we can only convince the dominant culture that we’re really harmless and just like they are, except that where we put our d\*\*\*\* and c\*\*\*\* and tongues, and what we like on our d\*\*\*\* and c\*\*\*\* and tongues, why, we’ll earn our civil rights, and everybody will live happily ever after, except for the boy-lovers, who give us all a bad name anyway. > > Copyright © 1995 by Laura Antoniou ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2003, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/17 "2003-04-05T16:59:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Pammipoo \* > \*\*I’ve never been to one of the meetings, but I did meet a couple of people from the Boston area BDSM group individually, and they were very nice people. And I can’t imagine the foot court being intimidating…check it out, if it looks weird, get some shopping done 🙂 \*\* _I_ can’t think of much that would be _more_ intimidating than a “foot court”. Yuck! 😉 I’ve been to such a meeting, once, in the Boston area. It was actually south of the city, so probably not connected to **betenoir** ’s group. Some friends, who belonged to the group, took me. I was surprised how…mundane, I guess…it struck me as being. Even the “performances”. (If the BDSM internet porn I’ve seen is any indication, these people were pretty tame. But, they may have been “playing nice”, knowing outsiders would be there.) They seemed like a very ordinary group of people. Can’t say how nice they were, or weren’t, because I didn’t really get to meet any of them. Not my cup of tea, so I never went back. I would guess the group mentioned in the OP meet someplace public because A) it makes newcomers feel safe, and they want to increase their membership, and B) they don’t have to rent a place or broadcast anyone’s home address. ---
**Author:** ![Pammipoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/87869e/32.png) [@Pammipoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pammipoo)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2003, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/18 "2003-04-05T19:12:01Z")
Hijack- > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Davebear \* > \*\*_I_ can’t think of much that would be _more_ intimidating than a “foot court”. Yuck! 😉 > \*\* You’re just following me around from thread to thread, collecting information, aren’t you? 🙂 When we finally get to this Boston dopefest, you’ll see me, and be like, “Oh _you’re_ the one who loves giving blowjobs, always swallows, and has had a history of BDSM…AND you’re single…hmm…” I should really learn to be less revealing in these threads… Okay, carry on… ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2003, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/19 "2003-04-05T22:03:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Pammipoo \* > **You’re just following me around from thread to thread, collecting information, aren’t you? 🙂 When we finally get to this Boston dopefest, you’ll see me, and be like, "Oh _you’re_ the one who loves giving blowjobs, always swallows, and has had a history of BDSM…AND you’re single…hmm…"** 😃 We DO seem to share some interests, don’t we? Just my luck, you’ll turn out to be a babe, think I’m…umm…a hunk? (It could happen! I just need to keep telling myself that.)…and I’ll have to go home to the GF, who doesn’t, doesn’t, doesn’t, isn’t, isn’t, and might(?). (How’s that for obscure posting?) > [@](#): > > **I should really learn to be less revealing in these threads…** No, no, no! 🙂 > [@](#): > > \*\*Okay, carry on… \*\* I do. Too often, for some people’s tastes. And, now…back to the OP. 'Cause I forgot to include the answer to \*\*betenoir[.b]'s actual question, in my last post. I would say, go. What do you have to lose? Yes, it’s a mundane location, but you can always talk to them and see if they’re interesting when they aren’t gnawing bits of gristle off of foot bones. ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085/20 "2003-04-06T00:42:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mr. Matthew \* > \*\*This is just my opinion, **betenoir** but it sounds like you’re less concerned that the meeting is in a public place that has all the sex appeal of Eleanor Roosevelt and more upset that the lifestyle has become increasingly vanilly, fuzzy and feel good. The dumbing down of D/s and S&M as it were. The \*s are mine. > > [This article](http://www.sexuality.org/latrans.html) by Laura Antoniou addresses some of what you may be feeling. A brief quote below. By no means is this the entire thing and I hope I’m in line with the SDMB policy on quoting copyrighted material. \*\* Yeah, I think she’s got something there. Of course I am judging only from the outside (that’s part of the reason I’m asking here :)) and as hs been pointed out, they probably would put on a “nice” face for outsiders and neophyes. But judging by their websites (I’m talking about many groups I’ve looked up), they want to be seen as “normal” (and I don’t even believe in “normal” as a concept, much less a goal :)) and seem to be trying to domesticate sex (weird sex, no less) into some wholesome weekend hobby. (Where everyone get’s their ass beaten but nobody get’s their feeloing hurt :D?) Even the descriptions of the private parites seem to be have the attitude…"Well, just because this is a sex party, we would want anything untoward to break out! :eek: " 😛 I’d have to say most of my expereinces with “organized” BDSM have been similar to Davebear’s. But…who know? Maybe there’s some cute sadist with the same reservations out there, wondering if HE should go. And I can’t really complain about not wanting to be “too safe” and not have the balls to go see. (Thanks for the quote, Mr. Matthew. But don’t be so harsh on Elenor, I hear she was a demon in the sack :D) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-go-to-this-bdsm-meeting/166085.md?page=2)