# Should I hit my kids? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 30, 2008, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017 "2008-11-30T03:43:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2008, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/21 "2008-11-30T16:24:09Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > Agreed. Spanking is a viable form of punishment, but it should be a last resort, not a first resort. And it should also be administered as a direct result of the child’s actions. The child should be told if you do this particular thing, you will earn a spanking. When the spanking is administered, it should be reinforced - you were told if you did this particular thing, you would earn a spanking. You did it and you have earned a spanking. I’ll grant you not the first resort thing, and you seem to be coming from a point of view I respect, but I want to emphasize something–spanking as a tool/punishment is much more useful if you don’t view it as the Nuclear option. Because if Spanking is used only if all else fails, and you’ve never hit a child yet . . . I think there’s a temptation to use spanking as a threat never followed up on, and threats you don’t follow up on aren’t particularily helpful in discouraging repeat bad behavior. Use spanking if you wish as a “consequence that the kid won’t like”, and limit it as much as you wish in favor of consequences which are more effective with your kid (or that you are more willing to administer), but don’t use spanking as the Nuclear option. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2008, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/22 "2008-11-30T16:25:59Z")
I have 3 kids (well, young adults now) and my wife and I spanked them when we felt it was called for, and they are fine young adults (no kidding). I think I would lose all respect for myself if I equated all corporal punishment with physical assault for any reason. Blah, blah, blah. ---
**Author:** ![Fetchund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b2d939/32.png) [@Fetchund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fetchund)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2008, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/23 "2008-11-30T16:31:01Z")
We were occasionally spanked for “serious” transgressions. I think that my mom decided that if what we were doing was dangerous or intentionally mean, it could warrant a spanking. Problem was, she delegated the job to my dad, when he’d get home from work. I can’t remember a single thing that I got spanked _for_, but I sure remember the spankings. I don’t think I got out of it the lessons I was supposed to - all I took away from it was that Dad was mean and unfair. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2008, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/24 "2008-11-30T16:33:00Z")
> [@Eureka](#): > > I think there’s a temptation to use spanking as a threat never followed up on, and threats you don’t follow up on aren’t particularily helpful in discouraging repeat bad behavior. Use spanking if you wish as a “consequence that the kid won’t like”, and limit it as much as you wish in favor of consequences which are more effective with your kid (or that you are more willing to administer), but don’t use spanking as the Nuclear option. I use spanking as the Nuclear Option in my own head, and on these boards, not out loud to my kids. That is, it’s never been voiced as a threat, but I know in my heart that I’m not yet out of options. I don’t expect ever to use it, but knowing that I have it in reserve means that diplomatic solutions can still be explored, if you will. If I were to use it, it would be so shockingly out of character for me that it would engender a very sudden stop and soul searching on the part of the kid. At least, it did for me when my mother finally deployed it when I was a teen. Not because the slap in the face injured me (or really even hurt all that much), but because I knew that it indicated I was so far out of line she was pushed further than she’d been pushed since I was a toddler, and it did make me pause and think about what I was doing. I agree that a threat that’s never carried out is worse than useless; I just don’t think the Nuclear Option has to be used as an explicit threat. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2008, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/25 "2008-11-30T16:33:08Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > People need to raise the kids they have, not the Platonic idea of kids. This right here? Is the best, most fundamental piece of parenting advice you’ll ever receive. Nothing works on all kids, and the hard part of parenting is the investment of time and effort necessary to \*know \*your kid well enough to figure out what works. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2008, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/26 "2008-11-30T16:41:07Z")
> [@Lanzy](#): > > Never out of anger? When then? After the event that triggers the response? After a cold calculating decision? Once the event is over, to hit a child then seems to make less sense than anything. Once reason has returned you can always come up with an alternative punishment. > > I am against all hitting of children and I have raised three to adulthood. They don’t hit their children either, so it can be done. It is surprisingly easy to ‘never spank out of anger.’ Or, at least it was for me. And yeah, it did take some ‘cold calculation’. Let’s say you come out of the tub, and you see your 6 year old has decided to cook eggs on the stove…knowing full well that using the stove is forbidden. You are mad. Trust me, you are madder than you have ever been, probably, because it is mixed with raw fear. I have never spanked my child in a situation like that immediately. In situations similar to that I have explained to the child what she did wrong, and then I have very often taken counsel, with my best friend, my husband, my mom. After that, I have sometimes decided to call the child to me, explain why I am handing out a spanking, give a few firm swats to the thigh, and hope that the sting will remind her not to pull that stunt again. The interesting thing is, on things that require tougher judgement calls, it really is better to reason with the child. You teach the child to use her own reasoning skills in those cases. (If the child is not performing well in school, not applying herself, not doing the work…) Spankings don’t seem like they would even work in those cases. But things like running after a ball in the street…I think the triggered memory of a stinging thigh may save the child the pain of a 2 ton vehicle smashing into her. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2008, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/27 "2008-11-30T16:45:36Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > We’ve done the spanking debate to death, so I’ll address the OP from a broader stance of advice re: parenting: > > **Never say never. About anything.** This. My parents spanked with spatulas of varying severities (that metal cake froster was a BITCH.) We modified things: We only used bare hands. I figure if it hurts you as much as it hurts them, then you’re aware of the situation. Lately, one of the boys was getting quite the tolerance, so we switched to something more mental. I picked up a wooden spoon and lightly smacked the fleshy part of his palm and said “Imagine what that will feel like on your bottom if you don’t stop this behavior.” Worked great. ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2008, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/28 "2008-11-30T16:52:22Z")
**WhyNot** , I think a lot of what I’m reacting to is the tendency of people who choose not to spank is to label spanking as “hitting” or “physical assault” or other loaded words. I have a real issue with people who can’t choose not to do some activity without labeling those who choose to do that activity as somehow less worthy people. And it is enormously common for people discussing parenting to do so. (You don’t tend to). On the one hand, reading the OP, I want to assure **sovtawen** that people can raise well-behaved children to adulthood without ever spanking their children. On the other hand, I want to emphasize that people can raise well-behaved children to adulthood while\* using spanking as a punishment. \*despite/because of/etc. ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2008, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/29 "2008-11-30T16:53:52Z")
Well, according to a billboard I saw when I was driving through Arkansas, you should. EMPLOY THE ROD WITH FORCE AND SPARE YOUR CHILD HELLFIRE ---
**Author:** ![DiggitCamara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/df788c/32.png) [@DiggitCamara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiggitCamara)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2008, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/30 "2008-11-30T17:50:45Z")
I have no kids of my own, but at least one incident showed me that sometimes non-physical actions are as lasting and relevant to the child as spanking ever could hope to be. I was visiting my brother and his two children. I saw his daughter (3 at the time) pick up a relatively sharp knife with the obvious intention of licking something off it. Off the sharp end. I reacted by telling her, very strongly, to stop it. (I was terrified she would cut open her tongue). She started crying and went to her mommy to console her. Later on, however, I noticed how strong the effect of my words were: she was licking off something of some utensil and turned to me and told me “Look, it’s not sharp”. I had to laugh. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2008, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/31 "2008-11-30T18:56:56Z")
> [@sovtawen](#): > > I don’t have children, but it’s possible I will someday. > > I would like to try to raise them without using any kind of physical punishment, but I’ve been told by parents that this is an unreasonable ideal, and spanking is a necessary evil – a kind of nuclear option for when all else fails. > > I don’t really believe them, but I’ve never raised kids. I can’t help but wonder if I will abandon my idealism once I actually have to deal with the little monsters, and discover that timeouts just don’t cut it. > > What is your opinion? This is purely my opinion, but it is perfectly possible to raise a well behaved child without hitting them. Lots of very well behaved children have been raised without spanking. Lots of children who are spanked are monsters. And vice versa. Theres a lot more to good discipline than just the spanking/no spanking decision. Our standing philsophy is the Small One will not be spanked, ever. We’re willing to slap her hand away from a hot stove; immediate discipline is necessary if safety is a factor. But what we’re finding is that by not getting angry and not raising our voices in almot all situations, when we DO raise our voices, the message gets through loud and clear. She undid her seatbelt once, and got yelled at - one of the few things I’d yell at her for. She hasn’t done it since. It is, however, your decision and yours alone. No matter which you choose, consistency and proportionality are key. * * * I’d trot out the “I was spanked and I turned out fine” line, but the truth is, I honestly think I’d have turned out **better** if my parents hadn’t hit me and yelled at me as much as they did, which was a lot. They did a good job and I love them and know they love me, and we get along fine, and props for doing the best they could, but I want to do better. ---
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2008, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/32 "2008-11-30T19:08:54Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > No, you shouldn’t. As a warning against serious physical danger when they’re too young to reason with - maybe. But as a punishment or to express your frustration? Never. Absolutely! ---
**Author:** ![slime](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@slime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slime)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2008, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/33 "2008-11-30T21:08:41Z")
my pZSsents hity mer and i tiurned ouy fine. sortry about the tytping but with all the “hansd slaps” as a kid Actually there were only a couple of occasions after that the knowledge that you might get spanked was enough of a deterent-on most occasions. ---
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2008, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/34 "2008-12-01T01:30:22Z")
I think there is no clear evidence that spanking on the butt with an open hand on occasion causes lasting harm. People have different philosophies about whether that is acceptable. For me, I don’t want to teach my kid that might makes right and that it’s OK to hit people. She is also sensitive enough that I’ve had experiences like DiggitCamara’s with her. Letting my fear/anger show and telling her why her actions were seriously wrong not only made the message sink in, it caused her to dissolve into tears. I can’t imagine what she would think if I hauled off and hit her, especially if I did it deliberately and coolly as punishment. (I have smacked her butt twice, when she was a toddler and I was trying to change her and she was throwing a fit and kicking me in the face - more to reset her brain than in anger or as a punishment.) So, anyway, regardless of all that, it is indisputable that it is perfectly possible to raise healthy, obedient children without ever spanking them. Lots of people do it. Even more mostly do it - the rule being not spanking, but one or two isolated incidents of spanking occurring. There are some great books on non-violent discipline, including The Discipline Book by Sears, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, by Faber and Mazlish, and Kids Are Worth It, by Coloroso. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2008, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/35 "2008-12-01T01:42:00Z")
> [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](#): > > Letting my fear/anger show and telling her why her actions were seriously wrong not only made the message sink in, it caused her to dissolve into tears. I can’t imagine what she would think if I hauled off and hit her, especially if I did it deliberately and coolly as punishment. (I have smacked her butt twice, when she was a toddler and I was trying to change her and she was throwing a fit and kicking me in the face - more to reset her brain than in anger or as a punishment.) This reminds me of my little ‘jacking up’ phase I went through. I thought to myself, I will show her I mean business. Right now! While I’m still hot with anger, but I won’t hit her. I thought that getting in her face would be better than spanking. But now I don’t think so. I think that being told that I have to administer a spanking, although I don’t want to, because I believe that it is the best thing for her in the long run, is much better than sputtering at her in rage. But again, if you are lucky, you get the kind of kid that teaches you a lot. My daughter did teach me that she is a brilliant child that can be reasoned with. She still gets away with some dumb stuff that I _bet_ a good spanking would put an end to. ---
**Author:** ![Key\_Lime\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/48db29/32.png) [@Key\_Lime\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Key_Lime_Guy)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2008, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/36 "2008-12-01T02:08:43Z")
As a former child, I’ll add: the _threat_ of spanking, and its corollary “wait 'til your father gets home,” were very very persuasive. A lot of my parent-friends suffer because they don’t have these excellent tools in their arsenal. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2008, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/37 "2008-12-01T02:21:34Z")
> [@sovtawen](#): > > I don’t have children, but it’s possible I will someday. > > I would like to try to raise them without using any kind of physical punishment, but I’ve been told by parents that this is an unreasonable ideal, and spanking is a necessary evil – a kind of nuclear option for when all else fails. > > I don’t really believe them, but I’ve never raised kids. I can’t help but wonder if I will abandon my idealism once I actually have to deal with the little monsters, and discover that timeouts just don’t cut it. > > What is your opinion? Wait until you watch one lean over the edge of a third story window to wave at someone on the concrete sidewalk below. Oh, kids are smart and parents are responsible and storm windows never need to be removed to be cleaned, but some day you will see your child do something breathtakingly dangerous and you will grab an arm and swat a butt before you even think twice. Or maybe they will raise a hand to you, and you will demonstrate just why that is not a nice thing to do. Good. Sometimes you just have to get their attention. Just remember that the shock of a rare swat on the butt is much more effective that the pain of a frequent beating. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2008, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/38 "2008-12-01T02:46:12Z")
No you shouldn’t hit your kids, you should act with discipline to them as a baby, from when they are newborn. Teach them about your ‘stern’ voice so that they respond to it at an older age. At least that mostly works with my daughter. When it doesn’t removing her from whatever she is doing works. ---
**Author:** ![gravitycrash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@gravitycrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gravitycrash)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2008, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/39 "2008-12-01T04:03:38Z")
I never really felt the need to spank my daughter, she was no angel but timeouts seemed to be enough. Although I knew she was being a little actress half of the time sitting in the corner. If I had a son it might have been different. ---
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2008, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017/40 "2008-12-01T07:18:02Z")
No job is too hard for the person who does not have to do it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-hit-my-kids/475017.md?page=3)