# Should I let my son go to jail? (long) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 30, 2004, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592 "2004-07-30T14:08:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2004, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/61 "2004-08-12T19:50:24Z")
A good in-patient treatment facility can give your son lots of tools to use on the “outside”, but only he can choose to use them. Maybe it will “take” this time, I certainly hope so. My experience is that very few people make it, but that those who do have a loving, firm, non-enabling support system. I hate to sound gloomy, but it’s a serious business and I make it a point not to blow sunshine up you-know-where when it comes to treatment, recovery and drastic lifestyle changes. ---
**Author:** ![AbbySthrnAccent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@AbbySthrnAccent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AbbySthrnAccent)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2004, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/62 "2004-08-13T02:06:36Z")
> [@Dolores Reborn](#): > > Good news! > \ > > He will still be on probation, and still has a chance to come out of all this with no record. That is good news. Like you I hope he learns something and gets himself together. Keep hanging in there. ---
**Author:** ![Juniper200](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@Juniper200](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Juniper200)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2004, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/63 "2004-08-13T05:13:22Z")
The residential treatment sounds like a good opportunity for him – if he chooses to use the information they give him – and perhaps you can use the time with him away to steel yourself for the new regime when he gets back. If you’re going to help him, you’ll have to set up a hard line on a lot of things. Good luck. I’ll be thinking of you. ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2004, 11:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/64 "2004-08-13T11:17:14Z")
**Juniper200** makes an incredibly important point here. **Dolores** , you sound every bit the loving caring Mom. If you have until this point been enabling him, then while he is in rehab, might I respectfully suggest that you talk to the people running the rehab and ask them who you might sit with for some sessions of your own? If he comes out after…whatever- 6 months, 2 years…right back into the same emotional environment, he may well slip back and all will be lost as far as recovery, a new start, etc. etc. If you have had some very serious education and training in how to support a positive life style for him when he does get out, then perhaps his re-entry into the world will never turn backwards. Additionally, I would ask you to be very harsh about your questioning of the facility he’s going to live in. There is not a prison in our country where drugs are not available. This is in-patient rehab. No doubt there is a drug trade. The money he wants for cigarettes and chocolate ain’t going to cigarettes and chocolate. Is there a way to find out if he will in fact be given drug testing while **in** this facility? A reminder that this truly is his last chance location might keep him clean. I have never been addicted to drugs so I do not know how impossibly hard it is to keep myself away from them, but I have an addictive personality and I get that. Best of luck with him, and again- seek some therapy/training on your part, so you can enable him in healthy ways when he emerges. ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/65 "2004-10-25T15:37:41Z")
Another update: I finally threw him out this weekend. It’s been a long time coming. He waws only in the in-patient drug program for 6 days. Insurance wouldn’t cover any more than that! So he started in out-patient. He was taking care of things, finally got a job, set up payments for his warrants, and _actually paid on them_. I helped him some with them. Then we find out that his friend (or him, I’m not sure,) made a call to a 900 sex number. $75.80. He has had people in the house when we weren’t there, another violation of the rules of the house. (We set up a hidden camera.) He lied about a big ding in _my_ motorcycle. (“I don’t know what happened, Mom!”) One thing after another. I couldn’t take it any more. So being the guilt-ridden mom I am, I traded in my bike for a car for him. I told him take this, I’m done, get out. And he didn’t argue— he was supposedly saving up (ha!) for a car so he could move out anyway. So he’s staying with friends. Along with the crazy bitch from hell, his 32-year-old “friend.” Fuckbuddy. Whatever—she’s a using POS. She is a big part of why his car got trashed. Now she got kicked out of her parent’s house, and her abusive boyfriend totalled her car. I talked to him the best I could about her. He doesn’t listen to me or his best friend. Anyway, I took his keys away, and we will be changing the locks very shortly. So, there you have it. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/66 "2004-10-25T16:16:49Z")
I’m so sorry, Dolores. I’m sure this is painful for you, but I’m sure you feel you’ve done the right thing (and if you don’t, well, I do–not that it matters.) ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/67 "2004-10-25T16:19:48Z")
**Dolores** , you’re a great mom and a great person. _hugs_ ---
**Author:** ![The\_Punkyova](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@The\_Punkyova](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Punkyova)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/68 "2004-10-25T17:38:03Z")
Delores, I feel for you. I’m sure it was hard to do, and it hurts to see him making so many mistakes. That said, I’d like to offer a bit of advice. From my (limited) knowlege of how these systems work, it isn’t uncommon for the enabler to get angry and do something drastic (i.e., throw the addict out of the house). The addict will then often “manufacture” a huge crisis, and the enabler comes to the rescue because this is so major, and a one time thing, etc. Unfortunately, all this does is reset the system for more addictive/enabling behavior. I strongly recommend that you take Cartooniverse’s advice and get some counselling for you and your husband (something along the lines of AlAnon) so that you’ll be ready when the crisis arrives. Best of luck! I know this is hard, I know you want to do the right thing. You’re a good, loving mom. Hang in there. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/69 "2004-10-25T19:04:13Z")
**Delores** , you did the right thing by booting his ass to the curb! He needs to learn to stand on his own, or skin his own damned knees if he falls. I can only imagine how hard this has been for you, but believe me, you’re not doing him any favors by allowing him to continue to be a taker! Best of luck, sincerely. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/70 "2004-10-25T20:35:47Z")
In time, your son will recover and come to see this as one of the best things you did for him, though he’ll likely never admit it. ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/71 "2004-10-25T20:40:12Z")
To jail, yes; to prison, well… ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/72 "2004-10-25T22:25:16Z")
> [@Dolores Reborn](#): > > It’s a long story… > > Last year, at spring break, my son and his buds were coming back from Corpus Christi. They got pulled over but “didn’t notice the cop car” for many miles. The officer subsequently arrested my son for evading arrest. > > He was put on probation (deferred adjutication) for 2 years and assigned community service. If he doesn’t toe the line and pay all the fees and do the community service, they will revoke his sentence and put him in prison for 2 years. Evading arrest is a felony. He also has 5 tickets that he hasn’t paid, and has 5 bench warrants for his arrest, totalling about $1000. > > He’s been doing pretty well for months and months, working and paying all the fees for the probation. Buying his own “cleaner” for the drug test, because he refuses to stop smoking weed. He doesn’t have a car (another long story) but was going to work, depending on friends for rides. > > He got fired a couple of weeks ago. I let him borrow my motorcycle for job searching ONLY. He still doesn’t have a job. > > He just turned 20 years old. High school drop-out. > > This morning he asked me if I would “help him” pay his PO on Monday. I said no. He said “but she’ll put me in jail!!!” I said it’s not my problem, it’s his. > > It’s very hard to be like this. I don’t want him to go to prison. He’s not bad, just a stupid immature spoiled teenager. > > What would you do? Wave bye-bye to him as they take him away. Your answer is absolutely correct - it is his problem, not yours. But you’ve let him make it be your problem as well. Is he doing drugs in your house? You run the risk of losing your house if he is. Frankly, I’d put his butt out on the street and let him reap the consequences of his actions. I’d damn sure tell his PO about the “cleaner” and let them run a surprise test on him. ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/73 "2004-10-25T23:17:06Z")
Pssst, **Clothahump** , didn’t you read through to the end of the thread? He’s out of the house. **Dolores** , I’m sorry it came to that, and I’m hoping for the best for everybody involved. ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2004, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/74 "2004-10-26T10:57:23Z")
**Dolores** , you did the right thing, although I know it hurts like mad. Here’s a hug and a shoulder to lean on. You can also borrow my backbone if you feel yours starting to waver, especially when your son realizes the consequences of what he’s done. You’ve got my strength behind you if you need it. Congratulations, good luck, and be well. CJ ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2004, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/75 "2004-10-26T12:20:55Z")
Thanks all. Your support is invaluable. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2004, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/76 "2004-10-26T14:48:12Z")
> [@Dolores Reborn](#): > > It’s very hard to be like this. I don’t want him to go to prison. He’s not bad, just a stupid immature spoiled teenager. > > What would you do? Being stupid and immature (in this case apparently financially irresponsible, since the issue is that he can’t pay) doesn’t deserve spending two years in jail, generally speaking. I can understand the “it will teach him” concept, and I could envision that in a less serious situation (say, a couple weeks in jail instead of a couple years) , but in this case, the stakes are just way too high. Besides, what consequences could spending two years in jail have on him? I’m not convinced that spending two years with an assortment of criminals will likely make him a better and more responsible person. if he’s not “bad” now, he could very well be then. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2004, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592/77 "2004-10-26T15:33:28Z")
Sorry, I didn’t notice this was an updated old thread, rather than a new one. My previous post was therefore pointless. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-let-my-son-go-to-jail-long/257592.md?page=3)