# Should I Move for Her? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 29, 2014, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837 "2014-08-29T05:41:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2014, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/21 "2014-08-29T23:15:30Z")
Well, one important aspect of a good relationship is give-n-take. And like others have already said - compromise. Ask yourself if yours has an adequate amount (for you) now .And if you predict that your girlfriend may become more flexible in the future. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2014, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/22 "2014-08-29T23:33:48Z")
Meet her halfway: Live somewhere between both your locations ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2014, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/23 "2014-08-29T23:37:26Z")
No. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/24 "2014-08-30T01:10:25Z")
I agree with all the others. I moved to an area that I wasn’t especially fond of to be with a person I really didn’t want to be with when I was 22. One thing led to another. I am 41 now and we ended up divorced with kids together (that I adore and will not leave until they are fully grown). I am looking forward to leaving to go far, far away in about 10 years when I am a little over 50. I consider it a lesson learned but a 30 year sentence for regular bad decisions in your early years still seems overly harsh to me. That isn’t hyperbole. A bad relationship can tie you down and destroy your dreams so quickly that you won’t even know what hit you and it will take an indefinite amount of time to truly break free from. Don’t make anything like that same mistake. You go to the place that you believe offers the most opportunity. There will be plenty of other women there and some of them will be of much better quality for you than the one you have now. Do not try to be a nice guy in these circumstances. Your whole life is on the line while she is just being a typical demanding bitch with no real regard for you as a person. You can stay with her in a long-distance relationship or not but absolutely do not give into any of her unreasonable demands. There is nothing lost if she walks. She is an expendable commodity unlike dreams and job prospects for yourself. ---
**Author:** ![DingoelGringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@DingoelGringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DingoelGringo)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/25 "2014-08-30T01:17:31Z")
It is a quite common theme for women. “I’ll love you if you become the person I envision you could be” It is time to say ''That is not the person I am, just the person of your fantasies. Accept meas I am or move on." ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/26 "2014-08-30T02:43:17Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > No. Exactly what I was going to say. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/27 "2014-08-30T02:47:59Z")
> [@TreacherousCretin](#): > > Exactly what I was going to say. I was long-winded but one word does give the correct answer. You could expand it to ‘Hell no’ though. ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/28 "2014-08-30T03:29:51Z")
Probably not. I have a friend who moved for a relationship in which he was pressured to give away his pet, get rid of almost all of his tools, art supplies, and possessions, and then was dumped. My own experience has been that moving for someone who won’t compromise ends poorly. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/29 "2014-08-30T04:05:32Z")
I’ve done it twice. Never again. The “rocky relationship” thing would make me say definitely not. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/30 "2014-08-30T04:22:40Z")
While I agree moving to be with her unwise, I wonder why you assume you’ll be in this field for 30 years? ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/31 "2014-08-30T04:28:49Z")
Yeah, I agree: no. Take the job, move where you want to go. Her jealousy and petty snit issues at such an early stage in the relationship (and to me, 15 months still counts as “early”) rings warning bells for me. A relationship where one partner has to do all the compromising usually isn’t healthy, especially over the long term. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Credible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a8b319/32.png) [@Justin\_Credible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Credible)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/32 "2014-08-30T15:15:06Z")
All the advice so far has been spot on. I’m going to take it a bit further and tell you that if you move with her there is a 100% chance that you’re ruining your life. I am not exaggerating at all. I would expand on that a bit, but I’d just be repeating what others have said. Pay special attention to Shagnasty’s post. Ditch this woman asap. ---
**Author:** ![dba\_Fred](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c37758/32.png) [@dba\_Fred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dba_Fred)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/33 "2014-08-30T15:42:28Z")
Have her join to post her side of the story, maybe it’s: _Quick Summary- My Boyfriend of 15 months wants me to move somewhere I don’t want to go for the rest of my life. I like him but relationship is a little rocky. Should I go/ What should my thought process be?_ You could demand she sign a pre-pre-nuptial that if the relationship ends, she pays you a million dollars (she’s a nurse, if/when she dumps you, she’ll end up with a doctor and can afford it). Otherwise it’s “No, but we’ll **always** be friends.” I don’t even take my own advice. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/34 "2014-08-30T17:03:46Z")
Does she love you? Awww. No. Do love her? Thats so Sweet! No. Do you think you have a future that will last 16 months… sharing rent & living together… matrimony… kids… and a crappy 1 story retirement house where bingo and dodging kids you can barely see on bikes seems lively? Well, my friends, now thats true love! Ok, who wants to sit on this poor sap & keep him from destroying what little life he has left over some fickle girl who’ll dump him like blue nail polish before she turns 30? Dude, if you are a nice guy, let her go on a high note before the rose blur is off your lenses. She’s meant for some poor bastard in the sticks. Don’t keep UPS from delivering heels. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/35 "2014-08-30T17:07:45Z")
A few thoughts– The whole “I can’t move for the next 20 years” thing sounds fishy to me. An average person changes careers seven times in their lifetime. It will be smart of you to keep an eye out for opportunity rather than trying to write you life story at 26. It doesn’t sound to me you guys are a going to make it in the long term, but you know that. Is there some other reason why you are in the back of your mind considering the move? Anyway, I wouldn’t follow her unless it’s somewhere you want to go, and in general I advise young people to stay out of serious relationships, but I also would keep an open mind about where you do end up. > [@Shagnasty](#): > > . Do not try to be a nice guy in these circumstances. Your whole life is on the line while she is just being a typical demanding bitch with no real regard for you as a person. You can stay with her in a long-distance relationship or not but absolutely do not give into any of her unreasonable demands. There is nothing lost if she walks. She is an expendable commodity unlike dreams and job prospects for yourself. Dude, she is 23 and just got a good job at an excellent hospital that she plans to take. That doesn’t make her a “typical demanding bitch.” That is someone doing exactly what they should do in their early twenties- prioritizing personal growth over a shaky relationship. Certainly you wouldn’t recommend a 23 year old guy with a plumb job turn it down to stay in a small town with a not-particularly-serious girlfriend? I know you had a bad experience with your ex, but that doesn’t mean all women are she-monsters. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Credible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a8b319/32.png) [@Justin\_Credible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Credible)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/36 "2014-08-30T17:34:32Z")
> [@pack78](#): > > I’m considering doing it for her but I do have some reservations. Our relationship is somewhat rocky. Lots of times she will get mad at me for the smallest things and **not talk to me for hours or even day or two at a time**. Also I’m a pretty good boyfriend; I do really nice things for her. **Take her on nice trips, dinners and events, nice texts, emails and everything**. I’m never mean or judgmental. Literally the only times I get mad at her are when she gets mad at me for the small things ( **she made out with two guys shortly after we started dating** and I said how hurt I was but I never went off on her or anything- I’m pretty patient). But even with all of this she will often **get sulky saying that I don’t care about her or love her**. Also, for some reason she is jealous of my relationship with my mother. I talk to my mom 2-3 times a week and generally get her advice on larger life decisions. My girlfriend thinks that this is weird and that I’m too close to my mom. Its almost to the point where \*\*I’m scared to talk about my mom in front of her. \*\* > A few weeks ago my girlfriend sent me an email talking about my mom and my impending relocation. She said that the relationship with my mom needs to change. I didn’t even read this far the first time. Didn’t need to. But dude, holy shit, this girl is the typical grade-A psycho chick. This could warrant a whole 'nother thread, but I have to strongly advise you to get away from her and stay away. I mean just read over the bolded parts there. She is an immature child and the type of person who will emotionally manipulate you for the rest of your life. You’re afraid to talk to your mother in front of your girlfriend. Reflect on that a minute. You’re an educated man with a bright future ahead of you. You have the freedom to live your life how you see fit and not answer to anyone. No one on earth should ever dictate to you who you can and cannot talk to, especially when it comes to talking to your own family. I’ll repeat what I said above. If you stay with her your life is ruined. I know it’s hard, but get her claws out of you immediately no matter the cost and move on to much better things. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/37 "2014-08-30T19:55:07Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > I was long-winded but one word does give the correct answer. You could expand it to ‘Hell no’ though. Seriously – I considered bolding, italicizing, and underlining the “No.” I maintain that “No” is merely the shortest correct answer. Yours is a longer and better one. And hardly “long-winded”, btw. ---
**Author:** ![pack78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/278dde/32.png) [@pack78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pack78)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/38 "2014-08-30T20:56:29Z")
Hey everyone, thank you for the responses. Like you guys have been saying, I pretty much know what I want to do but I’m seeking your validation. Just to clarify- my job is Financial Advising. So right now I have the choice of anywhere I want to go in the country to build my business. Once I am there and build my base of clients it would be extremely hard to pick up and move locations- it would be like starting over. So this is the reason for my dilemma- because I have the choice of where to go I feel like a jerk saying “I love you a lot, and I know you have this great job here but I’m going to go where I want to go too.” If she told her friends her side it would almost be the same situation in reverse. I don’t know. I guess I know what I need to do but I still like her a lot and don’t want to hurt her. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/39 "2014-08-30T21:21:58Z")
Break ups hurt. They suck. Long complicated breakups suck way more ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/40 "2014-08-30T21:27:05Z")
I’ve known many professional couples to manage a long-distance relationship. That said, they were in less-tenuous partnerships than what you’re describing. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837.md?page=3)