# Should I Move for Her? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 29, 2014, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837 "2014-08-29T05:41:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/41 "2014-08-30T21:46:30Z")
> [@pack78](#): > > Just to clarify- my job is Financial Advising. So right now I have the choice of anywhere I want to go in the country to build my business. Once I am there and build my base of clients it would be extremely hard to pick up and move locations- it would be like starting over. Well, you shouldn’t be so selfish. Think about how difficult it would be for a nurse to just pick up stakes, move, and try to find another nursing gig. :rolleyes: **pack** , from your descriptions, there are several huge red flags waving. And from the semaphore that I’ve learned the hard way, I read the message as _“Run away!”_ ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/42 "2014-08-30T21:57:10Z")
> [@pack78](#): > > Hey everyone, thank you for the responses. Like you guys have been saying, I pretty much know what I want to do but I’m seeking your validation. > > Just to clarify- my job is Financial Advising. So right now I have the choice of anywhere I want to go in the country to build my business. Once I am there and build my base of clients it would be extremely hard to pick up and move locations- it would be like starting over. > > So this is the reason for my dilemma- because I have the choice of where to go I feel like a jerk saying “I love you a lot, and I know you have this great job here but I’m going to go where I want to go too.” If she told her friends her side it would almost be the same situation in reverse. I don’t know. I guess I know what I need to do but **I still like her a lot and don’t want to hurt her** Bolding mine. Read back over what you posted here. All of it. Carefully. You are concerned about hurting her and being a jerk, yet she doesn’t seem to care one tiny bit about your perspective. She sounds controlling and narcissistic, from your perspective. My way or the highway. Until and unless there’s some sane balance in the relationship, I wouldn’t be including her in any sort of major life decision. This is a dilemma? ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/43 "2014-08-31T00:27:31Z")
Nope, dont move. Granted kick ass nursing jobs in top rated places can be hard to get but in general, nursing is one of the most portable careers in existence, you can land a job in any 100k pop town in about 2 weeks. A friend of mine 4 years after graduating is on her 3rd job making about 30% more than her starting wages. Her standing joke is if she wants a raise and does not get it, she just moves to another hospital. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 10:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/44 "2014-08-31T10:36:04Z")
Do not move to suit her. Your ass is already 3/4 ways out the door. She will drop you like a live hand grenade in a few weeks anyway. She will ‘not speak to you for hours/up to 2 days at a time’ for the least little thing? I don’t think the word ‘awesome’ is quite the word you need. She’d better have K-cup tits for you to put up with that kind of abuse. And, even then, she’ll still dump you, so don’t bother moving. Best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 10:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/45 "2014-08-31T10:42:58Z")
BTW, who is your Financial Advising job with, if I may ask? If you are unclear about your romantic situation, which seems cut and dried to me, then I’m wondering if you are getting into some kind of Amway thing with your business? May need to run that buy the SDMB crew as well. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/46 "2014-08-31T12:30:34Z")
No. The fact that she’s not willing to ditch her dream job for you isn’t the problem, and it certainly doesn’t make her a ‘typical demanding bitch’. The problem is that she’s not ready for an adult relationship (which is totally normal, given that she’s 23). She gives you the silent treatment when there’s a problem, instead of trying to work it out together. And she wants to control your other relationships. Neither of these is how a grownup healthy relationship works. Again, I’m not saying this is a problem with her - there’s nothing odd about being immature at 23, and in a few years she’ll probably have grown up enough to be capable of an adult relationship. She may well be a totally great person. But the question here isn’t whether _she’s_ worth making the sacrifice for, it’s whether _your relationship_ is worth making the sacrifice for. If you’re in a long-term, healthy, grownup, loving relationship, then it can definitely make sense to make long-term major sacrifices for the other person. But fifteen months isn’t long-term, trying to dictate someone’s relationship with his mother isn’t healthy, and giving the silent treatment isn’t mature or loving. So, no. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/47 "2014-08-31T13:43:22Z")
Ditch the girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/48 "2014-08-31T21:38:53Z")
> [@pack78](#): > > Hey everyone, need some advice. This is going to be a long post, thanks for reading- > > Quick Summary- **My Girlfriend of 15 months** wants me to move somewhere I don’t want to go for the rest of my life. **I like her but relationship is a little rocky**. You answered your own question right there. ---
**Author:** ![Battle\_Pope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@Battle\_Pope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Battle_Pope)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/49 "2014-08-31T23:05:00Z")
“Leave the [del]gun[/del] girl. Take the [del]cannoli[/del] career.” ---
**Author:** ![pack78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/278dde/32.png) [@pack78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pack78)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2014, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/50 "2014-09-01T04:33:29Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > BTW, who is your Financial Advising job with, if I may ask? If you are unclear about your romantic situation, which seems cut and dried to me, then I’m wondering if you are getting into some kind of Amway thing with your business? May need to run that buy the SDMB crew as well. > > Good luck. My job is with Edward Jones. So I set up my own office and everything. I agree, I think she is immature for a relationship. I really want her to be ready communicate but I don’t know when that will be. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2014, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/51 "2014-09-01T13:19:50Z")
> [@pack78](#): > > My job is with Edward Jones. So I set up my own office and everything. > > I really want her to be ready communicate but I don’t know when that will be. She IS communicating. Sorry. BTW, good luck with the Edward Jones gig. I knew a few guys who worked there, and they were rolling in the $$. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2014, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/52 "2014-09-01T13:48:28Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > She IS communicating. Sorry. Yeah, I think she is. BTW, the silent treatment alone would have been a deal-breaker for me. Especially for days - a quick cool-down after a hot argument can be OK if you know you just can’t communicate properly in that state, but that should be known by both people. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2014, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/53 "2014-09-01T14:49:20Z")
I think you need to get over the idea that there has to be a bad guy. You seem to feel like it is wrong to put career ahead of girl, or something, so you are worried about rationalizing it as okay, because she’s a bad girlfriend, anyway, or because she’s being unreasonable because her career should be objectively more flexible. The fact is that both of you are more interested in your careers right now than in this relationship. And that’s fine. No bad guy here. You’re not married. What married MEANS is the promise to put the relationship first. Neither of you made that promise because you don’t want to. That doesn’t make either of you the bad guy. It just isn’t what either of you want. So kiss and separate and know you’ll go into your next relationships wiser people because of what you taught each other. ---
**Author:** ![pack78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/278dde/32.png) [@pack78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pack78)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2014, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/54 "2014-09-02T06:39:54Z")
Thanks again everyone. Especially Manda- that makes a lot of sense to me. I want her to put herself first and I told her that I want her to do what is best for her. I never want to feel like I held her back from anything whether we’re together or not. I think what really got to me was the ultimatum. As much as she says she wants to be with me and wants me to move there so that we can be together; she said that I have to move there or else it is over. I guess I would have hoped for the- “Do what is best for you. I want you to move here but if you feel like you need to go to where you want to be then maybe we can try the 3 hour LDR and see how it goes…” Regarding the relationship issues. Does anyone have any input as to if this is normal and something that we will grow out of in a few years? Or are these pretty bad signs all together? I mean just today on the phone she asked me if I thought it was safe for her to walk to her car in the dark to see what time she had to move it by, I responded by saying “You live in a nice area, if you feel safe enough to do it I’m sure you’ll be ok.” Now I guess this wasn’t the most protective boyfriend thing to say, but she immediately said that I don’t care about her and that she would talk to me tomorrow and then hung up. And later texted me “you don’t love me, why don’t you care”. I think i pretty much have decided i’m going to where I want to go. I guess I’ll tell her that and see how it goes. BTW she is coming out here to visit this week. I think I’m going to wait to tell her until after she gets back, I don’t want to ruin the trip. ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2014, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/55 "2014-09-02T14:47:30Z")
> [@pack78](#): > > Regarding the relationship issues. Does anyone have any input as to if this is normal and something that we will grow out of in a few years? Or are these pretty bad signs all together? Personally (and this is coming from being married for 25 years, and neither of us is the easiest person in the world to live with sometimes) I would say that this early in the relationship it’s a big red flag. Two of the most important things in a relationship are communication and respect. It sounds like the first thing that happens when you guys have issues is that your girlfriend shuts down communication, and it seems to me that if she’s dropping ultimatums on you about things that are this fundamental to both your lives (like where you live), then she doesn’t respect you very much either. She sounds very manipulative (see your comment below about safety and ‘not loving you.’) She also sounds very immature, but if she’s 23 that’s not necessarily unexpected. She might grow out of the immature part (some people do, some never do) but it’s been my experience that people don’t change their fundamental personalities. If she’s reacting to you in a certain way now, this early in the relationship, then I can’t really see it getting anything but worse. > [@](#): > > I think i pretty much have decided i’m going to where I want to go. I guess I’ll tell her that and see how it goes. BTW she is coming out here to visit this week. I think I’m going to wait to tell her until after she gets back, I don’t want to ruin the trip. From what I’ve read from you, this seems the wisest thing to do. You don’t have to stop being friends (though she might want to, if she doesn’t get her way) but it sounds like this relationship isn’t the best choice for you at this stage in your life. One other warning: don’t be swayed if, after you tell her, she suddenly appears to change her spots and starts being nice and accommodating. You’ve called her bluff, which might not be something she’s used to. It’s possible she might scramble to do anything to keep you, but like I said, people don’t often change that fundamentally. As soon as you agree to take her back, she’ll probably be back to her old ways within the month. Don’t let this fool you and make you give up your plans. Hope this is helpful, and best of luck to you. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2014, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/56 "2014-09-02T20:16:42Z")
Happily married 44 years, although a few of them were very difficult, and I strongly agree with everything Infovore just said. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2014, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/57 "2014-09-03T08:01:16Z")
> [@pack78](#): > > Regarding the relationship issues. Does anyone have any input as to if this is normal and something that we will grow out of in a few years? Or are these pretty bad signs all together? All together, these are pretty bad signs. > [@pack78](#): > > I mean just today on the phone she asked me if I thought it was safe for her to walk to her car in the dark to see what time she had to move it by, I responded by saying “You live in a nice area, if you feel safe enough to do it I’m sure you’ll be ok.” Now I guess this wasn’t the most protective boyfriend thing to say, but she immediately said that I don’t care about her and that she would talk to me tomorrow and then hung up. And later texted me “you don’t love me, why don’t you care”. She’s playing the emotional blackmail card. Do you want a wife who plays that game with you? ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2014, 8:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/58 "2014-09-03T08:20:46Z")
Not all women are like this. Some are, and some women grow out of it, but some don’t. Hanging up the phone when she didn’t like what you said is acting like a brat. Do you really want to be dating a brat? ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2014, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/59 "2014-09-03T16:41:14Z")
My last, and permanent, relationship has been really, really easy. We sometimes fight and we sometimes annoy each other, but when we first started dating, the sheer ease of interacting, mutual regard and respect, and quality of companionship immediately stood out compared to my previous relationships. Those relationships were fine in many ways, but I was often tense and worried that one misstep would end it. I’m posting this to say that your current relationship sounds like it’s more difficult than necessary, and I’d recommend looking for someone who’s more relaxing to be involved with. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2014, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/60 "2014-09-03T17:10:58Z")
> [@pack78](#): > > I think i pretty much have decided i’m going to where I want to go. I guess I’ll tell her that and see how it goes. BTW she is coming out here to visit this week. I think I’m going to wait to tell her until after she gets back, I don’t want to ruin the trip. Ruin the trip for who? You? Tell her now and she won’t come. What would be the point of her coming anyway? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837.md?page=4)