# Should I Move for Her? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 29, 2014, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837 "2014-08-29T05:41:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2014, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/61 "2014-09-03T17:32:16Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > Ruin the trip for who? You? > > Tell her now and she won’t come. What would be the point of her coming anyway? That’s what I was coming back to say. What will you do if she decides to press the issue face to face? Ignore her? Lie to her? Sooner or later you’ll have to have an unpleasant conversation. May as well get it over with. ---
**Author:** ![Calatin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Calatin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Calatin)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2014, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/62 "2014-09-03T20:32:39Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > Ruin the trip for who? You? > > Tell her now and she won’t come. What would be the point of her coming anyway? This. Do you really think you could enjoy her visit with that cloud hanging over your head? If anything, it might make you seem like a bit of a jerk in that she is spending the time / money on a trip when, odds are, she’ll regret it. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2014, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/63 "2014-09-03T21:06:15Z")
> [@pack78](#): > > I mean just today on the phone she asked me if I thought it was safe for her to walk to her car in the dark to see what time she had to move it by, I responded by saying “You live in a nice area, if you feel safe enough to do it I’m sure you’ll be ok.” Now I guess this wasn’t the most protective boyfriend thing to say, but she immediately said that I don’t care about her and that she would talk to me tomorrow and then hung up. And later texted me “you don’t love me, why don’t you care”. At this point in her life, she is a whiny child who plays games. This isn’t particularly unique to her at her age, and she may grow out of it. It may take years. She may never grow out of it, either. But right now, do you want to base the rest of your life on the whims of a whiny child who plays games? I would hope not. You do your thing. She might follow, she might not. But following HER is not the answer. Whatever happens will be the best for both of you. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2014, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/64 "2014-09-03T21:34:16Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > Ruin the trip for who? You? > > Tell her now and she won’t come. What would be the point of her coming anyway? Maybe the idea of sex has occurred to either/both of them. Never heard of a booty call? ---
**Author:** ![Calatin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Calatin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Calatin)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2014, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/65 "2014-09-03T21:37:30Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > Maybe the idea of sex has occurred to either/both of them. Never heard of a booty call? If I’m driving 6 hours round-trip for sex, it’d better be mindblowing. Hell, I won’t even drive across the Metroplex for sex. ---
**Author:** ![Nema98](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d2c977/32.png) [@Nema98](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nema98)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2014, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/66 "2014-09-03T21:45:53Z")
Things are rocky, and both are young. There is a good chance that you two won’t last long into the future, and you will look back and think of why you moved for her. She wants her job, it is her right and you want to live where you are, your right. So I guess this means the relationship can’t continue unless one compromises, but then they won’t be happy. So I think it is a sign. ---
**Author:** ![standingwave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de0a6/32.png) [@standingwave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/standingwave)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2014, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/67 "2014-09-03T22:04:38Z")
Nope. I like her but…? Was all you needed to say. I think you deserve more than just _like_. ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2014, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/68 "2014-09-04T10:08:53Z")
> [@pack78](#): > > Regarding the relationship issues. Does anyone have any input as to if this is normal and something that we will grow out of in a few years? Or are these pretty bad signs all together? > > I mean just today on the phone she asked me if I thought it was safe for her to walk to her car in the dark to see what time she had to move it by, I responded by saying “You live in a nice area, if you feel safe enough to do it I’m sure you’ll be ok.” Now I guess this wasn’t the most protective boyfriend thing to say, but she immediately said that I don’t care about her and that she would talk to me tomorrow and then hung up. And later texted me “you don’t love me, why don’t you care”. Oh HELL no. Grownups do not do this shit. Someone who pulls this junior-high-school stuff is not mature enough to make a long-lasting commitment. You were asking if these are bad signs about your future together. No one can tell you that; some people grow up, some people don’t. The fact is, though, they’re bad signs about your \*present \*relationship. Which is what you’re considering ditching your dream job for. > [@pack78](#): > > I think i pretty much have decided i’m going to where I want to go. I guess I’ll tell her that and see how it goes. BTW she is coming out here to visit this week. I think I’m going to wait to tell her until after she gets back, I don’t want to ruin the trip. You need to tell her before the visit. Nothing wrong with a booty call, but both parties need to know that that’s what it is. For one party to know it’s a booty call while the other thinks it’s part of a long-term relationship is just scuzzy. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Credible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a8b319/32.png) [@Justin\_Credible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Credible)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2014, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/69 "2014-09-10T14:03:56Z")
Any updates, OP? ---
**Author:** ![swampspruce](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampspruce/32/261_2.png) [@swampspruce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampspruce)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2014, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/70 "2014-09-10T15:40:53Z")
> [@pack78](#): > > I think what really got to me was the ultimatum. As much as she says she wants to be with me and wants me to move there so that we can be together; **she said that I have to move there or else it is over**. I guess I would have hoped for the- “Do what is best for you. I want you to move here but if you feel like you need to go to where you want to be then maybe we can try the 3 hour LDR and see how it goes…” > > Regarding the relationship issues. Does anyone have any input as to if this is normal and something that we will grow out of in a few years? Or are these pretty bad signs all together? > > I mean just today on the phone she asked me if I thought it was safe for her to walk to her car in the dark to see what time she had to move it by, I responded by saying “You live in a nice area, if you feel safe enough to do it I’m sure you’ll be ok.” Now I guess this wasn’t the most protective boyfriend thing to say, but she immediately said that I don’t care about her and that she would talk to me tomorrow and then hung up. And later texted me “\*\*you don’t love me, why don’t you care”. \*\* > > I think i pretty much have decided i’m going to where I want to go. I guess I’ll tell her that and see how it goes. BTW **she is coming out here to visit this week.** I think I’m going to wait to tell her until after she gets back, I don’t want to ruin the trip. The bolded parts all point to manipulation, IMO, especially if the reason she coming for a visit is to remind you of how good the sex is. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time that has ever happened in a relationship, it won’t be the last. This is not a healthy, respectful relationship, and will not get better if this is the footing you’re laying the foundations on. Putting off the breakup until after the visit will be a mistake because it puts you in the position of looking like you’re humping and dumping her; bad optics all around if this is the case. Read the advice up thread. We are all saying the same thing. Ultimately, you have to decide what it is you really want. Try listening to “Low Self Esteem” by Offspring while you ponder, though. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2014, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/71 "2014-09-10T23:22:40Z")
> [@Calatin](#): > > If I’m driving 6 hours round-trip for sex, it’d better be mindblowing. Hell, I won’t even drive across the Metroplex for sex. I think this is a sneak brag. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2014, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/72 "2014-09-10T23:24:04Z")
> [@swampspruce](#): > > try listening to “low self esteem” by offspring while you ponder, though. 😉 in-spired! ---
**Author:** ![Calatin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Calatin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Calatin)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2014, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/73 "2014-09-11T14:44:49Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > I think this is a sneak brag. 😉 Heh, nah, it’s more a testament to my laziness and unwillingness to fight traffic after work. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2014, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/74 "2014-09-11T15:49:00Z")
If you have to think about it, it’s not the right relationship. Let her go (or try the long distance thing, if you’re a glutton for punishment.) Good luck in your new job! ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Nylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/77aa72/32.png) [@Mr.Nylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Nylock)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2014, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837/75 "2014-09-11T16:44:27Z")
I`m 38, from my perspective, you will find a much better relationship than what you have now. Based on your description, if you were mature enough to be in a good relationship, you would have left this woman long ago. At 26 being immature like that is nothig to be upset about, but you shouldn`t let it fuck up your future. Sometimes women like the one you are with kind of make you feel things, even though part of you know something is all wrong, if you don’t pursue your career you will probably regret it - opportunities to have a good career in a good place are much harder to come by than relationships like what you have. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-move-for-her/696837.md?page=3)