# Should I not get involved with this woman? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2013, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484 "2013-05-27T20:01:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/41 "2013-05-27T23:12:51Z")
The fact that she wants to see you again is another red flag. It shows that she doesn’t have very good judgement, she is attracted to dysfunctional men, and/or that she doesn’t think very highly of herself. Not saying that you _are_ dysfunctional, but that is what you’ve presented yourself to her as by what you did. She should, by all rights, have run far away from you after that. That she didn’t should not be comforting to you. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/42 "2013-05-27T23:14:03Z")
As usual, we’re taking a few scraps of info (albeit pretty revealing) and performing drive-by amature psychoanalysis 75 in a school zone. I’m going to ask the OP some questions that may not even be relevant. Do you think you as a man are “allowed” to tell a woman “I’m just not feeling it,” without feeling like a selfish jerk? That women are the screeners and men the applicants? If not, could that be why you fish for reasons to get out (too much cleavage, lack of ad hoc cheesecake pics, etc.)? Have you unconsciously sabatoged relationships before, so that the other person had to do the heavy lifting of breaking up and being the bad guy? When you turn down sex because its not a 100% green light scenario, do you still expect knight in shining armor points for going home with your hardon, not just the satisfaction of making a wise move? If you value overall loyalty, can you stand some nuggets of imperfections in the mix? Especially from a relative stranger with the normal level of defenses a middle-age person might put in place? Can you name one person you know and admire who has “won” in a relationship while his or her partner has “lost?” ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/43 "2013-05-27T23:27:22Z")
> [@Fantome](#): > > I had suspicions, so I checked the efix data on them. > [@Fantome](#): > > Again, it’s data that pops up automatically with the Canon software that I use. I’ll just observe that it’s interesting that his story changed when challenged, just like her story supposedly did. Did he snoop because he was suspicious, or did the data just happen to be there out in the open? > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > The fact that she wants to see you again is another red flag. It shows that she doesn’t have very good judgement, she is attracted to dysfunctional men, and/or that she doesn’t think very highly of herself. > … > She should, by all rights, have run far away from you after that. That she didn’t should not be comforting to you. This makes me sad, because boy howdy I would have shut you down the second I saw your first accusation. I don’t play that game. And I think she needs to figure out some stuff for herself before she starts dating, too. > [@](#): > > Not saying that you _are_ dysfunctional, but that is what you’ve presented yourself to her as by what you did. You’re being WAY too generous. ---
**Author:** ![Fantome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Fantome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fantome)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/44 "2013-05-27T23:28:06Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > Do you think you as a man are “allowed” to tell a woman “I’m just not feeling it,” without feeling like a selfish jerk? That women are the screeners and men the applicants? I’m not sure I understand the question. Do I feel like I can stop seeing a woman if I feel she’s not for me? Of course. No, I feel we are equally screeners and applicants. > [@](#): > > Have you unconsciously sabatoged relationships before, so that the other person had to do the heavy lifting of breaking up and being the bad guy? I’m not one to evaluate what I do unconsciously. > [@](#): > > When you turn down sex because its not a 100% green light scenario, do you still expect knight in shining armor points for going home with your hardon, not just the satisfaction of making a wise move? I did it because I want our first time together to be special, especially for her since she told me she hasn’t been with many men. I wasn’t looking for points. > [@](#): > > If you value overall loyalty, can you stand some nuggets of imperfections in the mix? Especially from a relative stranger with the normal level of defenses a middle-age person might put in place? Yes. I’m not looking or perfection. > [@](#): > > Can you name one person you know and admire who has “won” in a relationship while his or her partner has “lost?” I’m not sure I understand the question. If one has lost, neither has won. I will “win” if both my partner and I are happy. I know the consensus here is that I’m a big asshole with issues and she is best staying away from me, but nothing would make me happier than to make her happy. I fucked up. ---
**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/45 "2013-05-27T23:28:58Z")
> [@jtgain](#): > > Of course, if it was said like that, then I retract my statement. But I was imagining a scenario where she sort of said in out of the blue, in an accusatory manner. I’ve met women who have done this. It screams, “I’m going to read your emails and Facebook messages and when I find one minor inconsistency in what you told me, I’ll throw you on the trash heap with the rest of my ex-s.” > > It doesn’t give me a warm fuzzy feeling. So… what you’re saying is that your past experiences with relationships have left you with largely irrational strongly negative reactions to a number of probably innocuous actions on the part of a new partner? Good thing you’re a dude, or else I’d have to say you sound like you might have some emotional hangups or something. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/46 "2013-05-27T23:30:23Z")
> [@Fantome](#): > > I did it because I want our first time together to be special, especially for her since she told me she hasn’t been with many men. Speaking of “bullshit detectors”, I think mine is pinging here. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Fantome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Fantome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fantome)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/47 "2013-05-27T23:31:05Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > I’ll just observe that it’s interesting that his story changed when challenged, just like her story supposedly did. Did he snoop because he was suspicious, or did the data just happen to be there out in the open? Yes, I also told her “a little white lie.” I didn’t want her to know that I checked it looking specifically for the date. ---
**Author:** ![Fantome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Fantome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fantome)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/48 "2013-05-27T23:32:05Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Speaking of “bullshit detectors”, I think mine is pinging here. 😉 Good for you. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/49 "2013-05-27T23:41:09Z")
> [@Fantome](#): > > Yes, I also told her “a little white lie.” I didn’t want her to know that I checked it looking specifically for the date. So you DID specifically check it for the date? Jesus that poor lady needs to run and run fast. Like Logan’s Run fast. And you need to see a therapist. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/50 "2013-05-27T23:42:14Z")
> [@Fantome](#): > > Yes, I also told her “a little white lie.” I didn’t want her to know that I checked it looking specifically for the date. Physician, heal thyself. How nice of you to throw around accusations and then act as if those same “rules” don’t apply to you. And I’ll note that it hasn’t been established that she’s lied. 1\> If the clock on her camera was incorrectly set, the EXIF data will reflect that. 2\> Did she say that she TOOK them just for you, or that she’s SENDING them just for you? Did she use the word “just” or “especially”? There’s a better than even chance that you assigned a higher level of meaning to it than she intended. Then you fling your accusation, she’s shocked and doesn’t know how to react to your anger, so she tries to placate you in whatever way pops into her head first. Get help. I’m being absolutely, 100% sincere in this. ---
**Author:** ![Fantome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Fantome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fantome)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/51 "2013-05-27T23:44:36Z")
I don’t believe half of you people are telling the truth when it comes to the date checking. If you were in my shoes, and a new woman in your life sends you personal type pics and claims that she took them just for you, if you were aware of the ease of checking for the date, you wouldn’t do it? Bullshit! You would! You may not have made the mistake of giving up intelligence to her, but you would have checked. ---
**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/52 "2013-05-27T23:46:18Z")
> [@Fantome](#): > > I don’t believe half of you people are telling the truth when it comes to the date checking. > > If you were in my shoes, and a new woman in your life sends you personal type pics and claims that she took them just for you, if you were aware of the ease of checking for the date, you wouldn’t do it? Bullshit! You would! You may not have made the mistake of giving up intelligence to her, but you would have checked. If you’re so sure it’s a reasonable thing to do, why’d you decide to lie to her about it instead of just telling her what you said above? ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/53 "2013-05-27T23:47:33Z")
> [@colander](#): > > So… what you’re saying is that your past experiences with relationships have left you with largely irrational strongly negative reactions to a number of probably innocuous actions on the part of a new partner? > > Good thing you’re a dude, or else I’d have to say you sound like you might have some emotional hangups or something. I may very well have emotional hangups. 🙂 But from my experience, during the early stages of the dating process, when a woman fires away talking about honesty (and not in the course of a relevant discussion like **Kaio** referred to) she has been shit all over in the past, and you will have to have the honesty of Abraham Lincoln for a period of many years before she doesn’t automatically assume you are like her last boyfriend/husband. She likely has emotional baggage. Not that we all don’t, but this one is particularly bad, because she will likely be checking up on you. It is odd that the OP was the one that did it in this situation, so it seems like he has trust issues. Two people with trust issues in a relationship seem to be destined to be on an episode of COPS, shown drunk at 1:30am with knives or guns involved. ---
**Author:** ![Fantome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Fantome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fantome)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/54 "2013-05-27T23:48:46Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > And I’ll note that it hasn’t been established that she’s lied. 1\> If the clock on her camera was incorrectly set, the EXIF data will reflect that. Not according to what I found out through several sources, one being another thread on this message board I linked to in the OP. > [@](#): > > 2\> Did she say that she TOOK them just for you, or that she’s SENDING them just for you? Exactly what I said is what she told me. > [@](#): > > Get help. I’m being absolutely, 100% sincere in this. I believe you are. I just don’t agree with you. ---
**Author:** ![Fantome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Fantome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fantome)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/55 "2013-05-27T23:49:51Z")
> [@colander](#): > > If you’re so sure it’s a reasonable thing to do, why’d you decide to lie to her about it instead of just telling her what you said above? It’s one of those things we’d all do, but wouldn’t want to get caught. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/56 "2013-05-27T23:53:35Z")
> [@Fantome](#): > > You mean a lot to me and I want very badly for this to go somewhere. I guess this is where I’m getting stuck. You’ve known her about a week and this line in particular would make me feel really, really weirded out after a week. Then again, I wouldn’t send someone the pics she’s sent you so quickly either. Still, you seem really very invested in someone you don’t even know at all. So in a week’s time you have determined: [ul] [li]she’s the sweetest woman you’ve ever met[/li][li]she has a lot of issues[/li][li]her claim of 3 men in 42 years sets off your BS detector which indicates that you’re already quick to disbelieve this “sweetest woman” you’ve ever met[/li][li]you say she uses her boobs to get attention and that doesn’t jibe with the purity she claims[/li][li]in your lengthy week of knowing her you’ve surmised she seems to “need male attention” because her “boobs popping out in public” (what does that mean? wardrobe malfunctions where her breasts leap out of her shirt or are you equating cleavage with popping out in public like you’re a Amish reverend?)[/li][li]she has tons of hangups[/li][/ul] Now, honestly, all of these things do not add up to me believing you care more about her than she does about you unless she despises you. These things are your impressions of her after just a week and you VERY BADLY want something to work out with her? Those must be some seriously sensational breasts. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/57 "2013-05-27T23:57:45Z")
> [@Fantome](#): > > I don’t believe half of you people are telling the truth when it comes to the date checking. > > If you were in my shoes, and a new woman in your life sends you personal type pics and claims that she took them just for you, if you were aware of the ease of checking for the date, you wouldn’t do it? Bullshit! You would! You may not have made the mistake of giving up intelligence to her, but you would have checked. No of course not. I think you’re making the mistake of judging others by your own standards. I think you should leave this poor woman alone. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/58 "2013-05-27T23:59:57Z")
I’ve been entertained by this thread all afternoon and I just have to say that I’m still shocked the OP’s join date is anything other than May 2013. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2013, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/59 "2013-05-28T00:01:46Z")
I think I read somewhere Tony Clifton was still alive and well. I think he finally got a computer. ---
**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2013, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484/60 "2013-05-28T00:02:17Z")
> [@Fantome](#): > > It’s one of those things we’d all do, but wouldn’t want to get caught. Close. It’s actually one of those things that **you** would do but wouldn’t want to be caught. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-not-get-involved-with-this-woman/659484.md?page=4)