# Should I push in contacting this relative? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 6, 2013, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662 "2013-12-06T11:40:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2013, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/41 "2013-12-09T00:05:20Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > People are too focused on one aspect of your uncle’s behavior, the non-communication, and totally ignore the fact that he still sends money and has contacted you about the house. He contacted him about the house to resolve a legal matter. The other times he’s tried to communicate with him, he’s either been ignored or left a very terse 3 word reply. Telling him to quit contacting his uncle isn’t a “libertarian” POV. It’s a “quit focusing on people who make you feel like shit” POV. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2013, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/42 "2013-12-09T20:56:43Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > He contacted him about the house to resolve a legal matter. The other times he’s tried to communicate with him, he’s either been ignored or left a very terse 3 word reply. > > Telling him to quit contacting his uncle isn’t a “libertarian” POV. It’s a “quit focusing on people who make you feel like shit” POV. I look at that as “he’s initiated contact on something that isn’t important, so he’s not opposed to contact”. Unless he’s specifically said he doesn’t want contact, I encourage grude to keep contacting him until he gets a definitive answer. What’s the worst that can happen? An old man gets a little annoyed by some phone calls and emails that he could stop at any time by responding to one for a few seconds with a “Don’t contact me anymore”? His uncle isn’t hurt by his continuous attempts at contact so he should keep doing it. It is perfectly fine to push someone who doesn’t want to speak to you for clarification that they don’t actually want to speak to you. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2013, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/43 "2013-12-09T21:23:31Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > It is perfectly fine to push someone who doesn’t want to speak to you for clarification that they don’t actually want to speak to you. Not really, it’s rather rude. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2013, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/44 "2013-12-09T21:26:28Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > It is perfectly fine to push someone who doesn’t want to speak to you for clarification that they don’t actually want to speak to you. This is like saying it’s perfectly acceptable to stay at a dinner party as long as you like right up until the hosts threaten to call the cops to have you arrested… only THEN should you leave! If there are questions about any of the business arrangements – like who to talk to about selling the 10% interest in the house or something – then I think that’s acceptable. Getting a $20 check with a memo inscribed, “Here’s money for your toys; PS fuck you!” does not entitle the recipient to leave the jerk voicemails asking what he’s thinking about or if he’d like to talk about his feelings over a pink cosmo. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2013, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/45 "2013-12-09T21:35:57Z")
No, it’s perfectly fine to request that people be clear about their desires. If he doesn’t want contact, all he needs to do is say it, once, clearly. I think it’s reasonable to push for a clear answer in this case, after a lifetime of mixed messages. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2013, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/46 "2013-12-09T22:04:35Z")
^What he said ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2013, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/47 "2013-12-10T01:11:09Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > I think it’s reasonable to push for a clear answer in this case, after a lifetime of mixed messages. The messages weren’t mixed. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2013, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/48 "2013-12-10T03:03:51Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > The messages weren’t mixed. How do you reach that conclusion? Uncle Weirdo sends him Christmas gifts. That means “I want to be in contact.” Uncle Weirdo refuses to respond to overtures. That means "I do not want to be in contact. Mixed messages. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2013, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/49 "2013-12-10T03:37:47Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > Uncle Weirdo sends him Christmas gifts. That means “I want to be in contact.” Uncle Weirdo refuses to respond to overtures. That means "I do not want to be in contact. Mixed messages. Repeat for dozens of years. No mixed messages - if he wanted to be in further contact he would have. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2013, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/50 "2013-12-10T03:47:28Z")
This is just total speculation, but it sure sounds to me like he gets hectored into sending the gifts. But there just isn’t any mixed messages here: there’s been ample opportunities to engage and the jerk appears to show zero interest in doing so. I think the OP has already begun to accept reality on reality’s terms: the guy wants to send a check or two a year and have no other substantive contact. It’s as clear as day, and I see nothing at a confusing about it. ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2013, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/51 "2013-12-10T18:07:19Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > Uncle Weirdo sends him Christmas gifts. That means “I want to be in contact.” How do you figure? He could be sending gifts because he thinks the holidays are important, or family is important, simply out of Catholic Guilt, or a dozen other reasons. Me sending you a card or gift is not _necessarily_ an invitation to call me on the telephone, become pen pals, or whatever else. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2013, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/52 "2013-12-11T01:25:14Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > How do you reach that conclusion? Uncle Weirdo sends him Christmas gifts. That means “I want to be in contact.” Uncle Weirdo refuses to respond to overtures. That means "I do not want to be in contact. Mixed messages. I think the gifts meant, “I don’t have anything against you, I barely know you; but the rest of the family is a piece of work, and I really do not want to engage.” Evidence? The 3rd party who gossiped that the uncle bitched about “toy money”. Who would say that to someone, even if it was true? Kind of cruel. [If this were a novel, we would find out the previous generation was incredibly dysfunctional; it would end with a brief reconciliation between **grude** and the uncle, before **grude** , like the uncle before him, renounced his entire family.] ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2013, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/53 "2013-12-11T01:46:34Z")
If you didn’t want contact, wouldn’t be easier to NOT send gifts? The suggestion seems to be that Weird Uncle sends **grude** gifts for reasons completely unrelated to **grude** , and that since **grude** has no part of **grude** ’s gifts, **grude** is completely out of line for contacting his uncle. Is that right? Also, I still haven’t seen any evidence that the third party who made the nasty comment had any basis for doing so, and **grude** still hasn’t said why he believes this person. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2013, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/54 "2013-12-11T02:40:44Z")
I haven’t had a chance to read the entire thread, but did you state that you have numerous checks that he sent you from previous years? Checks actually have an expiration date. I could be wrong but I think it’s no more than a year in most cases. He must have been aware that you weren’t cashing them. I find it strange that he continued sending them. Also, regarding your question: IMHO, you should NOT continue to push him for contact. It is perfectly clear that he’s not into it. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/55 "2013-12-12T17:21:24Z")
> [@scootergirl](#): > > I haven’t had a chance to read the entire thread, but did you state that you have numerous checks that he sent you from previous years? Checks actually have an expiration date. I could be wrong but I think it’s no more than a year in most cases. He must have been aware that you weren’t cashing them. I find it strange that he continued sending them. Also, regarding your question: IMHO, you should NOT continue to push him for contact. It is perfectly clear that he’s not into it. Who remembers a check that they wrote a year ago? I don’t and I don’t think I’m that unique. If I write a check, I expect it to be cashed soon and after a while I assume it has been. If one isn’t meticulous about keeping track, you can certainly forget ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/56 "2013-12-12T17:34:22Z")
As noted upthread, and is true at my bank, checks can expire, or no longer be treated as valid by the bank after a certain time. (5:00pm weekdays, 1:00pm Sat and Sun)\* \*end of sentence looked goofy… ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2013, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/57 "2013-12-13T00:04:39Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > If you didn’t want contact, wouldn’t be easier to NOT send gifts? Easier to not, but perhaps not easier to stop. I am under the impression the checks started when **grude** was a kid, and assume that although Uncle was estranged from the adults, he decided to not take it out on the kid. Little kids deserve gifts. Then Uncle couldn’t figure out how to stop. And he probably said something harmless to that effect to the right jerk who said “he was sick of sending a twenty something toy money”. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2014, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/58 "2014-03-30T23:03:41Z")
> [@Ravenman](#): > > This is like saying it’s perfectly acceptable to stay at a dinner party as long as you like right up until the hosts threaten to call the cops to have you arrested… only THEN should you leave! You seem to be acting as if this, or tearing the hostesses blouse, or urinating in the plant by the door is something bad. What exactly is your problem?? ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2014, 8:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/59 "2014-03-31T08:57:18Z")
> [@grude](#): > > I’ve at a loss here, I honestly just wanted to talk to him. I don’t have much family and I’m kinda depressed that another member is alienated. > > I guess I’d just like him to explain WTF is his deal? Clearly, you aren’t working hard enough to get his attention. Try leaving a dead animal on his doorstep, with a note saying “Thinking of you…” Or surround his house with a burning pentagram and hire some actors to chant an invocation to Satan. Or follow his kids to school, take some pictures, and post them on Twitter with a message saying…ah wait…on second thought, ignore all that. Just leave him alone, fer cripes sake. Clearly, he doesn’t want to talk to you, and further attempts to change his mind will only make things worse. Let it go, that’s all you can do. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2014, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662/60 "2014-03-31T18:55:59Z")
> [@j666](#): > > And he probably said something harmless to that effect to the right jerk who said “he was sick of sending a twenty something toy money”. Or maybe he said it, but it had nothing to do with **grude**. One of my sisters has one child while the rest of us have two or three. She decided some time ago that the rest of us needed to continue to give her child birthday gifts past the age when we would normally stop (because she would have been giving two gifts to my children while I only gave one to hers and so on). I may have said something about it being ridiculous to give birthday gifts to a 25 year old- but it would have had nothing to do with my nephew.It would have been about my sister. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-push-in-contacting-this-relative/675662.md?page=4)