# Should I reconcile with my brother? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 11, 2013, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220 "2013-07-11T12:45:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Mrs.Cake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@Mrs.Cake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs.Cake)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/21 "2013-07-11T16:27:56Z")
Having cut toxic family members out of my life, that of course would be my advice. If you want to reconcile you are going to have to be the one to swallow everything, try to put it in the past, and then deal with it all coming up again at every family gathering. For me, everyone in my family comes such a distant second to my husband that the first insult to him means they can kiss my ass on the way out of my life. You could send a nice note, a gift, and excuse yourself from the wedding as you have an infant daughter to care for. Leaves it open for him to make future attempts if he wants to, and also reminds him of the family obligation he missed out on. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/22 "2013-07-11T16:33:00Z")
First and foremost, you need to decide what type of relationship you wish from your brother, what it would take to get ther, and whether or not you wish to pursue that. I place a GREAT deal of value on family relations, and tend to lean over backwards to give family members the benefit of the doubt, and multiple chances. But there is a point at which you have to decide whether they are exhibiting a consistent pattern of behavior, and/or mature behavioral traits. If they are, then you must decide what the best aproach is FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE- not for your brother, mom, or anyone else. Family members often have a need to communicate over important things such as parental health care. IMO it is desireable that family members have enough of a relationship that they are able to discuss such things politely and (at least superficially) respectfully. By all means, give reconciliation a chance. Don’t hold a grudge, but don’t go into it with blinders on. And if he displays similar behavior in the future, well, that’s another good data point to consider as you reassess your prospects at that point. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/23 "2013-07-11T16:33:14Z")
> [@StGermain](#): > > I think I’d e-mail him back and tell him that I don’t feel, based on our last conversation, that he truly accepts my _and my family_. Since my my family is my first priority, unless they can be fully accepted, there’s no reason to continue to be in touch. > > You need to make him understand where he fits in the hierarchy - below your wife and child. If he (and your mother) can’t embrace them as members of the family, they’re, by their actions, shutting off ties to you. > > StG I think the well being of your immediate family is more important to you than the hateful actions of your brother and mother is the take away. Whether you reconcile or not, these people need to understand that their stuff is really of much less importance to you and you don’t want to be bothered with their drama. Have you been happier without their dumping on you on a daily basis? If so, you need to perpetuate that and not their dumping. ---
**Author:** ![Macca26](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/13edae/32.png) [@Macca26](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macca26)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/24 "2013-07-11T16:41:04Z")
> [@Mosier](#): > > The good thing about being an adult is that you get to pick the people you want to spend your time developing and maintaining relationships with. Your brother can live his life, while you live yours. > > If it were me, I’d very politely decline the invitation, wish him luck and love with his new wife, and go back to forgetting all about him for months/years at a time. I agree. Unless you think you felt a whole lot happier with him in your life, there’s no reason to cling to the idea of a “family” bond. It doesn’t sound like it’s worth the effort of laying ground rules and stilted conversations for…what, exactly? A feeling of dread that it all might happen again? I don’t think you’ll be getting an apology. Your wife and child are #1 priority. Don’t let your family hurt them. Pushing toxic, hurtful people out of your life is a good thing. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/25 "2013-07-11T17:03:33Z")
"George, You do realize that the last time we spoke, you called my wife psychotic, suggested she masterminded our familial problems, and said that life would be easier if I had died in a plane crash. Regards, Orville" ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/26 "2013-07-11T17:08:58Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > "George, > You do realize that the last time we spoke, you called my wife psychotic, suggested she masterminded our familial problems, and said that life would be easier if I had died in a plane crash. > > Regards, > Orville" I like it. Unfortunately, he will come back “Cite?” Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/27 "2013-07-11T17:33:27Z")
Try not to underestimate your mother’s ability to mindfuck otherwise intelligent, rational people. Try not to blame him too much for falling into your mother’s trap. (After all, isn’t this the ideal outcome for your mother? She’s unhappy, she displaces the blame onto you, the rest of the family agrees—what’s not awesome here for her? Oh, wait, that everyone is unhappy. Oops.) Everything he did wrong is a direct result of your attempt to rise above the negativity and of your mother’s to wallow in it. (From your OP, there are clinical reasons behind this rather than “she’s a bad person,” but the net effect is pretty similar.) Remember, this is his MOTHER. As the saying goes, she knows how to push his buttons: she installed them. Yours too. Blame him a little for not being able to get beyond it, but not too much. Most of all, try to get a professional counsellor to do the mediating in future. In fact, that’s probably the best way to repair the relations with your brother. I’m sorry about your mother, but it really sounds that her unhappiness / depression is making her poisonous, and the poison is spreading. Damage control: get yourself healthy first, then reach out to family. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/28 "2013-07-11T17:54:23Z")
Some things really and truly are unforgivable. Being told that things would be better for everyone if I were dead would be one for me. Maybe e-mail per **Shodan** ; maybe just stop answering his e-mails altogether. Life is too short. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/29 "2013-07-11T17:57:44Z")
How does it injure you to be a gracious person and attend his wedding and make nice? Maybe even turn over a new leaf with him? Do you want peace or do you want to be right? Let the past be, move forward, to a better place, if at all possible. You can defend your wife without starting a family feud. If anyone wants to talk trash, gather your dignity and leave quietly. Every time. They will get the message or not. Refuse to engage in bickering. If they do not understand your position by now, they aren’t going to. Communicate with your ass, “Sorry, we must be going!” And then just go. No drama, no antics. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/30 "2013-07-11T18:17:19Z")
No. And i think you were wrong to reconcile with your mother also. ---
**Author:** ![one\_red\_shoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/54ee81/32.png) [@one\_red\_shoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/one_red_shoe)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/31 "2013-07-11T18:18:16Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > Another vote for “fuck him”. Of course, he’s not my brother. > > It would seriously piss me off if he reached out to me for his wedding, after ignoring the birth of his nephew. It makes me seriously question his motives. Has he even met your son? > > That, the airplane comment and the fact that he cut you out of his life would be way too much for me to forgive unless he made some serious apologies. I agree what Lab said, Fuck em and move on! ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/32 "2013-07-11T18:27:12Z")
Will your mom be at your brothers wedding? ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/33 "2013-07-11T19:07:52Z")
> [@Orville\_mogul](#): > > Yes, those two more pacifist posts appeal to me too. > > But, on the better man thing, I tried that, I really did, and it didn’t work. I tried to be the better man for 10+ years by not speaking badly of my mother, even though she had thrown us out of her house and then continually maligned me and my wife to anyone who would listen. > > I tried to be the better man by not burdening my family members with my tears and pain, only for my mother to more than compensate with her own. > > I also tried to be the better man three times by deciding that feuds are stupid for everyone and that my mother deserved another chance to welcome my wife into the family. Three times this worked for several months, only for her to slip back into her old narrow-minded habits. Let’s see how the current (4th) truce goes… > > Being the better man may have worked for the likes of Christ and Gandhi, but not so well for me. > > (sorry, just a little bit bitter there. I got myself on a roll 😃 ) Not buying any of this. I keep getting this huge passive aggressive drama queen vibe from your posts. You paint George as an easily manipulated mother’s fool and you don’t even mention much about the other brother. Then George is somehow purposely evil and cruel to you in his remarks. Is the other brother weary of your drama and baggage too? For some reason you once believed George to be a level headed individual worthy of consideration as a mediator. Then he transforms into a manipulated cruel man. My guess is that mom had some pretty compelling arguments pointing out your issues. George took her side not because she was a manipulator but because a bit of truth about you was exposed. I don’t buy the “better man” label either. I have a family member who constantly claims she’s on the high road but it’s evident to the rest of the family that she’s passive aggressive and has played the martyr one too many times. In any case my advice to you is pretty much what everybody else says. Just bail out of this situation. It’s no good for you and the rest of the family is tired of the drama. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/34 "2013-07-11T19:12:11Z")
> [@DMark](#): > > I am probably going to be in the minority here, but I say, “Fuck 'em” and move on. > > I have an older and younger brother, and tons of relatives. > I get along with my older brother great - we call often, text and email, and he comes to visit at least once a year. I also have some fairly close cousins. > > However, my younger brother and I haven’t spoken a word in probably 5 years or more. > > I don’t care. > > He was always the problem child, he is needy and wants all the attention, and he and I have absolutely nothing in common, other than genetics. He has burned lots of bridges with the rest of the relatives (they have little or no contact, even though they live in the same small town) and I only hear a few things from my older brother who does remain in civil contact. > > I certainly don’t wish him dead, nor would say I hope he dies in a plane crash - but at the same time, don’t particularly give a shit about anything he does or says and am quite fine with never having any more contact with him. To be honest, he was always a pain in the ass and you had to watch every word for fear of offending him, but he was very quick in spewing off his bile whenever something didn’t fit into his realm. > > You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, and sometime you could probably even pick your friend’s nose, but you can’t pick your relatives. > > I don’t see any upswing to reaching out to a family member who bases your relationship on a whim and the way the wind is blowing at the moment. Let it go. I roll with DMark. “You’re tearing the family apart” strikes me as more psychotic than wishing that you had died.This guy despises you, despises your wife, and is mad as a hatter, to boot. Has anything happened that made that change? You don’t need an apology, but, you need to find out what, if anything, has changed the thinking. I say it hasn’t happened. Forgive your family, but, don’t contact them. ---
**Author:** ![Macca26](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/13edae/32.png) [@Macca26](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macca26)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/35 "2013-07-11T19:19:51Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > How does it injure you to be a gracious person and attend his wedding and make nice? While the rest of your post makes a lot of sense for a large percentage of situations, and is very fair and logical towards others, this particular sentence bugs me. It can absolutely hurt a person to get re-involved with hurtful people. How can you not understand that? Do you believe that all people are capable of simply shrugging off hateful, spiteful remarks as though they were never spoken? The family gathering may go swimmingly. However, alcohol and emotions may get involved and our OP here could end up being screamed at with obscenities and wishes for his death even if he doesn’t do anything. He could definitely be hurt by verbal abuse just by being gracious and showing up politely and quietly. I think maybe you give toxic people too much credit. Simply walking out on some types does absolutely nothing. Sometimes years of complete isolation with zero communication still doesn’t convince the toxic person that they’ve done (or are doing) horrible hateful things. And of course if they don’t realize what they’re doing and instead blame you, they’re not going to change or learn. No matter how many times you walk out. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/36 "2013-07-11T19:22:53Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > I roll with DMark. “You’re tearing the family apart” strikes me as more psychotic than wishing that you had died.This guy despises you, despises your wife, and is mad as a hatter, to boot. Has anything happened that made that change? You don’t need an apology, but, you need to find out what, if anything, has changed the thinking. I say it hasn’t happened. > Forgive your family, but, don’t contact them. Sorry, make that **DMark**. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/37 "2013-07-11T19:37:57Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > How does it injure you to be a gracious person and attend his wedding and make nice? Maybe even turn over a new leaf with him? Do you want peace or do you want to be right? Personally, before making nice, I’d like to know if he still thinks that my wife is psychotic, or if he still thinks life would be better if I were dead. He could say “Maybe it’s OK that you’re actually alive.” Baby steps, right? ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/38 "2013-07-11T20:17:11Z")
I would say you have one of three options: 1. Like you suggested, extract the apology. Tell him how you feel and that you think you deserve an apology. Then, make him say it. It may not be as genuine as you’d like but it’s better than nothing. 2. Do not respond and hope he gets the message that he needs to apologize. Then it’s up in the air as to how it goes from there. He may get it, and he may not. 3. Resume contact with your brother like nothing happened. It might be the easiest way but it will likely not work out in the long run. In essence, you will have been a doormat. Personally, I would go with option # 1. It sounds like you want to carry on with your relationship, but need to set things straight first. Your brother has at least made an effort to resume contact but might not be mature to realize the error of his ways. Just be the bigger man here but at the very least set some standards and guidelines as to how you want this to work out. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/39 "2013-07-11T20:22:03Z")
**Orville** , I think the key here is going to be the proper management of your own expectations, so as to avoid disappointment. To me that means focusing on what you can control – basically, what you say to him about how he made you feel. If you resume contact (and it sounds like you’re leaning that way), lay out how his remarks hurt and offended you, and tell him that it’s obviously left you wondering why things are different now and why resuming contact won’t lead back to the same hurtful result. Don’t ask for an apology or for anything in particular for him; that’s a recipe for disappointment. Instead, just see what he says. If he responds “what do you want from me,” just say, “I want to know what it means to you to hear these things from me.” If you think he’s genuinely contrite or at least committed to being civil, then maybe there’s something there that you two can build on. If he’s just defensive and hostile, then maybe you would decide not to go any further. ---
**Author:** ![Zago](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecccb3/32.png) [@Zago](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zago)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220/40 "2013-07-11T23:45:46Z")
I say good riddance to him. You have taken the high road, made your apologies where they were due, and you’re persecuted for it. I am estranged from one of my sisters (she’s disowned the whole family over a misunderstanding). I apologized for any part I had in the affair (which was pretty minor) and pleaded with her to reconcile. This went on for about two years. Then I saw some comments she made about me and other family on facebook on mutual friend’s and family’s pages - on facebook for crying out loud! She has a very selective memory and has rewritten our entire family history in her mind. I no longer care if I ever see or talk to her again. She’s always been an agitater and I have always had to work at having a relationship (we had a falling out about 10 years ago which we eventually mended ). I’ve bent over backwards because she’s family. Finally, I had to ask myself why the hell I was trying to patch up the relationship with such an unpleasant person and the only reason I could come up with is the family tie. I’ve moved past that now, I do myself or anyone else no favors by trying to reconcile with her. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-reconcile-with-my-brother/663220.md?page=3)