# Should I send a self-deprectating response to this email? Need answer soon. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 19, 2010, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636 "2010-04-19T16:25:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![statsman1982](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e79b87/32.png) [@statsman1982](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/statsman1982)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/1 "2010-04-19T16:25:50Z")
I wrote an email to my advisor (I’m a doctoral student) asking him what I thought was a complex question. His response was a two-line explanation that implied that my question was really an application of basic principles. I’m still not sure if I see what he’s getting at, but I know he’s right; he’s well regarded. I want to send this response: > [@](#): > > Well, I guess it’s clear that I can’t map basic principles to specific situations. Do you have time today to meet to discuss this?" What’s the point of the first sentence? I want to let him know that I already feel stupid enough, and that he can’t be more disappointed in me than I am in myself. It’s sort of an acknowledgment of stupidity to immunize myself against any comments he might make. He intimidates me because of his status in the academic community here and his sheer intelligence. Should I send this response? I honestly don’t trust my instincts much anymore (depression, anxiety, ocd, seeing a psychiatrist and therapist, blah blah blah, that’s all I ever write about anymore it seems). ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/2 "2010-04-19T16:31:23Z")
Rather: Dr. So-and-So Thank you for your response. I am having difficulty applying this principle to the specific problem I’m tackling. Your insight would be valuable to me. Do you have time today to discuss this? Thank you, statsman1982 ---
**Author:** ![statsman1982](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e79b87/32.png) [@statsman1982](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/statsman1982)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/3 "2010-04-19T16:47:54Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Rather: > > Dr. So-and-So > Thank you for your response. I am having difficulty applying this principle to the specific problem I’m tackling. Your insight would be valuable to me. Do you have time today to discuss this? > > Thank you, > > statsman1982 Thanks for the alternative wording. But could you tell me what, specifically, is wrong with my phrasing? ---
**Author:** ![ZenBeam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3ab097/32.png) [@ZenBeam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZenBeam)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/4 "2010-04-19T16:53:01Z")
Do not include “Well, I guess it’s clear that I can’t map basic principles to specific situations.” It comes off as sarcastic and snippy when I read it, not self-depracating. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/5 "2010-04-19T17:04:06Z")
> [@ZenBeam](#): > > Do not include “Well, I guess it’s clear that I can’t map basic principles to specific situations.” It comes off as sarcastic and snippy when I read it, not self-depracating. That. It makes it sound like you are deflecting your lack of understanding onto the prof, as if he didn’t put enough effort into his explanation. Now, that may actually be true, but you still have an obligation not to be snippy and passive-aggressive, or appear to be such. Just say that you need more clarification and ask for an appointment. ---
**Author:** ![statsman1982](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e79b87/32.png) [@statsman1982](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/statsman1982)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/6 "2010-04-19T17:04:17Z")
> [@ZenBeam](#): > > Do not include “Well, I guess it’s clear that I can’t map basic principles to specific situations.” It comes off as sarcastic and snippy when I read it, not self-depracating. Hmm…Yeah, I guess I can see that. But he knows me quite well, and he knows I’m terrified (well, maybe that’s not the right word, but pretty scared) of crossing him. I wonder if he would read it the same way. But that’s definitely something for me to consider. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![statsman1982](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e79b87/32.png) [@statsman1982](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/statsman1982)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/7 "2010-04-19T17:09:48Z")
> [@friedo](#): > > That. It makes it sound like you are deflecting your lack of understanding onto the prof, as if he didn’t put enough effort into his explanation. Now, that may actually be true, but you still have an obligation not to be snippy and passive-aggressive, or appear to be such. Just say that you need more clarification and ask for an appointment. Oh, Jesus, I don’t want to be sarcastic. I want to convey just the opposite, that I’m almost too embarrassed to bother him with this trivial crap. I know I need to if I’m ever going to finish this research, but I just feel so bad for wasting his time like this. He’s a big deal. He should be getting good questions from me at this point. ---
**Author:** ![Surly\_Chick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Surly\_Chick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surly_Chick)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/8 "2010-04-19T17:14:27Z")
Is there someone else you can ask for assistance? ---
**Author:** ![Rafe\_Hollister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/fbc32d/32.png) [@Rafe\_Hollister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rafe_Hollister)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/9 "2010-04-19T17:14:45Z")
Dear Dr. So&So, Sorry I’m a stupid dummy-head. Sincerely, Statsman ---
**Author:** ![statsman1982](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e79b87/32.png) [@statsman1982](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/statsman1982)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/10 "2010-04-19T17:18:39Z")
> [@Surly\_Chick](#): > > Is there someone else you can ask for assistance? Unfortunately, no one that I feel any better about. The other person is even more of a “big deal” than my advisor, and is damn near 80 and kind of grumpy to boot. ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/11 "2010-04-19T17:18:56Z")
Dear Prof, Maybe I’m overthinking this, but your explaination just won’t click. Can I stop in? Your first response sounds whiney. Self-deprectating remarks like that just make everyone feel uncomfortable. I don’t think your advisor would appreciate it. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/12 "2010-04-19T17:22:15Z")
> [@statsman1982](#): > > Thanks for the alternative wording. But could you tell me what, specifically, is wrong with my phrasing? It doesn’t sound professional. In a doctoral program you may be a student, but you are also a professional in your field and a future peer. Colleagues will ask for help in understanding the esoterica of a particular field all the time and can do it without putting themselves down. In your case the question may not be esoteric but the behavior should be the same: confident (not cocky) and professional. ---
**Author:** ![statsman1982](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e79b87/32.png) [@statsman1982](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/statsman1982)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/13 "2010-04-19T17:22:17Z")
> [@Rafe\_Hollister](#): > > Dear Dr. So&So, > > Sorry I’m a stupid dummy-head. > > Sincerely, > > Statsman Not sure if this is genuine, but if it is, thanks. If not, I guess you wasted 10 seconds of your life that you’ll never get back by posting in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![statsman1982](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e79b87/32.png) [@statsman1982](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/statsman1982)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/14 "2010-04-19T17:27:27Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > It doesn’t sound professional. In a doctoral program you may be a student, but you are also a professional in your field and a future peer. Colleagues will ask for help in understanding the esoterica of a particular field all the time and can do it without putting themselves down. In your case the question may not be esoteric but the behavior should be the same: confident (not cocky) and professional. I thought that much of the doctoral program was intended to put students in their place, lest they get the idea that they are smarter than the profs around them. Sort of a boot camp mentality. I’m not kidding. And there is nothing remotely esoteric about what I’m doing. If it were, I’m sure he would have responded with a longer email, as he has written long ones in the past. No, in my own biased mind, this is like a doctoral student in psychology asking, “Now what did Skinner do again?” ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/15 "2010-04-19T17:33:53Z")
> [@statsman1982](#): > > I thought that much of the doctoral program was intended to put students in their place, lest they get the idea that they are smarter than the profs around them. Sort of a boot camp mentality. I’m not kidding. > > And there is nothing remotely esoteric about what I’m doing. If it were, I’m sure he would have responded with a longer email, as he has written long ones in the past. No, in my own biased mind, this is like a doctoral student in psychology asking, “Now what did Skinner do again?” I disagree with a passion to that image of Doctoral programs. I’m not saying you go in there with a superior attitude. Willingness to learn from people more experienced in a field is an attitude the best academics carry forth throughout their careers. No one wants to be around a know-it-all grad student. But no one wants to be around a know-it-all assistant prof either! Being a doctoral student is the first step on a path in your field- completion of the doctorate not the ticket for entry into the field. Completing the doctorate, completing a post-doc (if you do one), advancement through academia (if that’s your path) or in your profession- you will always be surrounded by people who know more than you. My comment about esoterica is that profs are used to explain stuff to colleagues all the time. Your question may be simple, but it is probably absolutely appropriate for where you are in your career. ---
**Author:** ![breaking-reality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/16 "2010-04-19T17:40:49Z")
Maybe you’re reading into it too much? His email may have simply been short because to him the answer was short and he didn’t want to over complicate things, or perhaps he was just busy. I would go with **IvoryTowerDenizen** ’s alternative phrasing as it sounds neither sarcastic, whiney, or self-depreciating. Why on earth would you ever want to come off as self-depreciating? In my opinion that is never a good trait. Be polite, be sincere, hell even be humble, but don’t be self-depreciating. ---
**Author:** ![statsman1982](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e79b87/32.png) [@statsman1982](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/statsman1982)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/17 "2010-04-19T17:48:52Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > I disagree with a passion to that image of Doctoral programs. I’m not saying you go in there with a superior attitude. Willingness to learn from people more experienced in a field is an attitude the best academics carry forth throughout their careers. No one wants to be around a know-it-all grad student. But no one wants to be around a know-it-all assistant prof either! > > Being a doctoral student is the first step on a path in your field- completion of the doctorate not the ticket for entry into the field. Completing the doctorate, completing a post-doc (if you do one), advancement through academia (if that’s your path) or in your profession- you will always be surrounded by people who know more than you. > > My comment about esoterica is that profs are used to explain stuff to colleagues all the time. Your question may be simple, but it is probably absolutely appropriate for where you are in your career. I wish we had that culture of collegiality. 🙂 Part of my problem is that there is no one else in my field to ask or take cues from. I’m in a department that comprises information systems, operations management, and statistics all under one umbrella. Each sub-discipline has its own way of doing things; no one talks to each other. I’m the only one in statistics. > [@breaking-reality](#): > > Maybe you’re reading into it too much? > > His email may have simply been short because to him the answer was short and he didn’t want to over complicate things, or perhaps he was just busy. I would go with **IvoryTowerDenizen** ’s alternative phrasing as it sounds neither sarcastic, whiney, or self-depreciating. Why on earth would you ever want to come off as self-depreciating? In my opinion that is never a good trait. Be polite, be sincere, hell even be humble, but don’t be self-depreciating. Well, my perception of the doctoral program is that the professors _want_ us to be obsequious. They want us to know our place. My thought is that it’s good to give 'em what they want. I can’t be alone in this perception. Has anyone heard of the comic strip “Piled Higher and Deeper?” It’s full of strips about students being afraid of professors. It wouldn’t be funny if it weren’t true, right? ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/18 "2010-04-19T17:57:56Z")
> [@statsman1982](#): > > Well, my perception of the doctoral program is that the professors _want_ us to be obsequious. They want us to know our place. My thought is that it’s good to give 'em what they want. Then again, he may be the type that wants you to recognize his brilliance but not be whiny about your own comparative “lack” thereof. Acknowledge his intellect without being all “wah, I suck” about yourself. I think that **IvoryTowerDenizen** ’s response is ideal. There you’re complimenting him and asking for his assistance. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/19 "2010-04-19T18:04:57Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Rather: > > Dr. So-and-So > Thank you for your response. I am having difficulty applying this principle to the specific problem I’m tackling. Your insight would be valuable to me. Do you have time today to discuss this? > > Thank you, > > statsman1982 I think this is just right. Your original response sounded like you were feeling sorry for yourself to me. I don’t know anything about doctoral students being beaten down by their advisors and profs or whomever, but I don’t see why your basic human dignity should be on the table. In other words, I can see showing respect to your advisors, but I wouldn’t be licking any boots. ---
**Author:** ![breaking-reality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2010, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636/20 "2010-04-19T18:06:43Z")
> [@statsman1982](#): > > Well, my perception of the doctoral program is that the professors _want_ us to be obsequious. They want us to know our place. My thought is that it’s good to give 'em what they want. > > I can’t be alone in this perception. Has anyone heard of the comic strip “Piled Higher and Deeper?” It’s full of strips about students being afraid of professors. It wouldn’t be funny if it weren’t true, right? There’s a difference between knowing you have a long way to go to achieve the level of education you desire, and acknowledging that your professor knows more than you without being self-depreciating. So no, my thought is that you remain respectful without being down on yourself. If you were _ **that** _ big of an idiot than you wouldn’t, or shouldn’t, be in the program you are. Admire your professor all you want, but don’t lose respect for yourself or your own accomplishments. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-send-a-self-deprectating-response-to-this-email-need-answer-soon/536636.md?page=2)