# Should I take my friend who is less well off than me to an expensive restaurant? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 18, 2012, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912 "2012-08-18T22:50:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2012, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/41 "2012-08-19T14:55:23Z")
> [@grude](#): > > In that case I’d say don’t worry about it, what he does is on him. > > How good of friends are you guys anyway? In that situation I might wonder if you had the hots for me or something.😛 > > Nah grude order whatever you want, you’re worth it. We are both guys…and very much straight. He was there for me as a friend during a very dark period of my life. ---
**Author:** ![jlzania](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/67e7ee/32.png) [@jlzania](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jlzania)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2012, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/42 "2012-08-19T15:01:04Z")
> [@Farmer\_Jane](#): > > **Spoons** (how appropriate!), you just reminded me that I hate chain places. Look, the OP (who is coming off as a jerk here) can just check reviews and find a calm place with good food if that’s what he’s looking for. I just can’t imagine that ANY restaurant is worth making your friend feel like shit. And he can’t be that close of a friend if he had to come to the Dope for help. I’m really curious as to why you think the OP is coming off as a jerk. Is it because he wants to treat his friend to an exception dinner experience or because he is sensitive to the fact that his friend may feel obligated to reciprocate? I’m also baffled by the posters that think AK84 should weave an elaborate ruse. All of my friends are aware that I’m on a tight budget. Should I be ashamed of the fact that I make less money than they do? They don’t care and neither do I. What’s the big deal? ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2012, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/43 "2012-08-19T15:01:06Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > Thanks guys. FTR, I am paying for both of us, and that was the plan. I know I come across as a jerk in the OP, but well, better to do so in an internet forum where I am anonymous than when I actually meet him. I think, I will bite the bullet and take him there. Its a wonderful experience and he will enjoy it. Deal with reciprocating issues later. When it comes to reciprocating later - do some research on his location and find a place that has a reputation for fabulous food but that is in a lower price range. Before you visit mention that you’d heard of this place and are dying to try it and would he mind if you guys went for dinner there. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2012, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/44 "2012-08-19T21:04:30Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > Thanks guys. FTR, I am paying for both of us, and that was the plan. I know I come across as a jerk in the OP, but well, better to do so in an internet forum where I am anonymous than when I actually meet him. I think, I will bite the bullet and take him there. Its a wonderful experience and he will enjoy it. Deal with reciprocating issues later. Don’t worry, it was obvious to me that you were paying. You didn’t come across like a jerk at all. When you visit him, maybe you could research some restaurants of reasonable price that sounds good you could ask to go to, or ask to go to his current favorite, which would be reasonably priced by definition. It can be an ego thing with guys, so I’d only worry if he brought you to a really expensive place to be equal. Only you know if he’d try to pull that. ---
**Author:** ![JackieLikesVariety](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackielikesvariety/32/296_2.png) [@JackieLikesVariety](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JackieLikesVariety)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2012, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/45 "2012-08-19T21:16:40Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > Thanks guys. FTR, I am paying for both of us, and that was the plan. I know I come across as a jerk in the OP, but well, better to do so in an internet forum where I am anonymous than when I actually meet him. I think, I will bite the bullet and take him there. Its a wonderful experience and he will enjoy it. Deal with reciprocating issues later. I don’t think you come across as a jerk, quite the reverse. basically, what Olivesmarch said: talk to him about it, straight up. ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2012, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/46 "2012-08-19T21:17:14Z")
> [@Farmer\_Jane](#): > > I’ve been to many fancy restaurants in my life and I have to say that it is very rare that the food is actually worth the super-high prices. They sell hype. What does $120 an entree do that $60 doesn’t? I recently ate at a very expensive restaurant in San Francisco for the first time. It was one I had been wanting to go to for a long time, but I had been put off by the high prices. It also cost about $100 per entree. Well, there was a special occasion and my wife and I decided to splurge. The food was incredible. It really was a lot better than just about any other place I’d been, even for $60 a plate. Now that doesn’t mean I’m going to make this my regular haunt. $100 is a lot of money. But in this case, you do get what you pay for. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2012, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/47 "2012-08-19T21:25:59Z")
> [@zoid](#): > > As far as this: > > I’m assuming you mean out of reach in his current financial situation. > > Is there a place by him that has a good reputation but isn’t pricy? Maybe a really good ethnic place like a great dim sum place or a really good German restraunt? Maybe if you did a little reasrech you could find someplace and then when he offers to take you out you could always pipe up “You know - I’ve heard really great things about _ **New City Shanghi** _! They’re supposed to have the best **[xiao long bao](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xiaolongbao)** and I really want to try them!” I was going to suggest something like this. Don’t worry about the reciprocation now; fib if you have to about how you’re getting discounted or whatnot for your dinners, and then when you visit him, make him take you someplace that HE wants to show off. 🙂 Something personal, or neat, or weird. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2012, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/48 "2012-08-19T21:28:33Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > Tell him the truth. ‘‘I was thinking about going to this restaurant and treating you to a meal, but it’s very expensive and I don’t want you to think you are obligated to reciprocate. I just think we’d have a really great time together. If you aren’t comfortable with that, we can go somewhere else.’’ It really is that simple. > > Something not quite as extreme happened with me and my friends recently. We were invited to come up and stay the night with some pals of ours who have a house and a fairly high steady income. At the time I was unemployed and my husband is still in grad school. I said we’d love to come, but we couldn’t spend too much money, so we should stick to low-key activities. They said they’d treat us. > > And that’s basically what happened. I think we paid for about half the stuff we did and they paid for everything else. And my friend said, ‘‘We really have no problem treating you guys, because we understand you don’t have as much money and it’s really no big deal to us.’’ And we said, ‘‘We want to at least pay for some of the stuff so we can retain some sense of dignity.’’ So we ended up doing what was comfortable for both of us. This is wonderful. Why can’t all people just be like this? ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2012, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/49 "2012-08-19T21:47:24Z")
One thing you can do is make it sound like he is doing you a favor. I mean, generally when I am taking someone out to dinner I offer a choice, like “We could go to [Mexican], which is XYZ, or [Chinese], which is ABC or [Steak], where blah blah blah”. In this case, you don’t want to do that (because if you do, he’ll pick the less expensive place) so you can say “Do you mind terribly if we go to [Place]? I took [mutual friend] there and it was amazing: Ive been craving an excuse to go back”. It’s expensive as fuck, but you know I’m doing pretty well these days and friends and food are exactly where I like to spend my money’. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2012, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/50 "2012-08-19T21:58:33Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > One thing you can do is make it sound like he is doing you a favor. I mean, generally when I am taking someone out to dinner I offer a choice, like “We could go to [Mexican], which is XYZ, or [Chinese], which is ABC or [Steak], where blah blah blah”. In this case, you don’t want to do that (because if you do, he’ll pick the less expensive place) so you can say “Do you mind terribly if we go to [Place]? I took [mutual friend] there and it was amazing: Ive been craving an excuse to go back”. It’s expensive as fuck, but you know I’m doing pretty well these days and friends and food are exactly where I like to spend my money’. This, too, is excellent. ---
**Author:** ![Mississippienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d2c977/32.png) [@Mississippienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mississippienne)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2012, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/51 "2012-08-19T22:00:01Z")
My vote is against. It’s humiliating to know that you can’t reciprocate or that reciprocation would take WAY more money than you’re gonna have. It’s also humiliating to have to pull your friend aside and tell them, “I’m sorry, but I can’t afford that.” Why would you put your friend in such a situation? ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2012, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/52 "2012-08-20T01:11:00Z")
I’m another vote for taking the friend to the way awesome expensive place. “Hey, did you hear they did some cool research - if you spend your money on stuff, you end up broke and unhappy, and if you spend your money on friends and experiences, you end up happy yourself, with happy friends, and you have great memories to talk about later.” (Actual research - is really true.) I also think that sometime later, after the awesome dinner, go check out some interesting/foodie places near your friend that aren’t so godawful expensive, and start dropping comments about them when you start talking about you visiting him. No reason not to be sneaky for a good cause. 😃 Life is short, money comes and goes - friends and good experiences are where it’s at. Go for it and enjoy yourself. I would suggest you try your best to make sure that friend enjoys himself too. If it’s that high per meal, it’s a place that probably doesn’t post prices on the menu, so you might try to give your card to the host when you come in. Wrap it up with a note asking them to be discreet about the money element. I bet they deal with that sort of request all the time. If that doesn’t work, then I really like **Manda JO** ’s offhand explanation. ---
**Author:** ![keturah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e95f7d/32.png) [@keturah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/keturah)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2012, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/53 "2012-08-20T01:18:36Z")
I vote for taking him as well. You say that he was a great friend to you in some dark times, tell him that what he did money can’t buy but that a great night out eating some amazing food is the least that you could do! Then both enjoy!! If it isn’t too personally identifying what is the restaurant? I travel often and love good high end dining. ---
**Author:** ![mkecane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9e8a1a/32.png) [@mkecane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mkecane)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2012, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/54 "2012-08-20T02:18:02Z")
One of my best friends lives in another part of the country, so I see him once or twice a year. He is definitely better off than me financially. He enjoys a good meal (I do, too, because who doesn’t?), and he likes to check out good restaurants, whether in my town or his. He’s covered dinner for me at the nice places a number of times, but we aren’t keeping track on a scorecard. He and I both know it’s in his budget, but not mine, and there’s no jealousy or hard feelings. I get meals at more moderate places if we’re at lunch, buy drinks, etc. I make it clear that I’m thankful for the meal. If I were keeping track, I’d guess the overall expenses for dining and drinking is probably a 67/33 split including the nice restaurants. One day, if I’m making the big bucks, I’ll reciprocate. If not, I don’t think he’ll care. Take your friend there. As long as you’re not making a point of how much more money you’ve got or making it a pity type of thing, it’ll be fine. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2012, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/55 "2012-08-20T12:17:24Z")
I can’t believe that the only decent restaurant in town is that one. Your new homework assignment: go fine a great, quiet pizza place. The only way to pull off what you want to do is to know the guy well enough to be able to tell him that this is a thanks for what he did in such a way that he knows it, without obligating him to recipicate. That you are asking for advice suggests this isn’t the case. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2012, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/56 "2012-08-20T12:32:19Z")
He’s a friend, right? Take him to the nice place. Friends do shit like that. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2012, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/57 "2012-08-20T13:09:00Z")
He was there for you during a dark period in your life so hey, you’re the one reciprocating, right? Just go already and enjoy a great meal and rebonding and don’t sweat something that’s not there. Btw, is this on Kodiak? I’ve never been to that part of the state and had no idea there were restaurants of that caliber. They specialize in what, wild game? ---
**Author:** ![jlzania](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/67e7ee/32.png) [@jlzania](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jlzania)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2012, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912/58 "2012-08-20T21:03:58Z")
> [@Mississippienne](#): > > My vote is against. It’s humiliating to know that you can’t reciprocate or that reciprocation would take WAY more money than you’re gonna have. It’s also humiliating to have to pull your friend aside and tell them, “I’m sorry, but I can’t afford that.” > > Why would you put your friend in such a situation? With all due respect, Mississippienne, I just don’t understand this attitude. My friends (all 3 of them 😛 ) know I make less money than they do. If one of them wants to treat me to a meal in an expensive restaurant, I’m not bothered that I can’t match them dollar for dollar when it’s my turn to buy and neither are they. So what? It’s not like they’re my buddies because they expect to be remembered in the will. And I’m really not humilated that we don’t have parity of income. I don’t know _any_ small alternative farmers that are making the big bucks. I’m proud of what I do and I don’t define my worth by how much money I have to spend in restaurants. Luckily my friend don’t either. An aside: Love your history posts. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-take-my-friend-who-is-less-well-off-than-me-to-an-expensive-restaurant/631912.md?page=2)