# Should I tell a single mother I've been dating her KIDS are the reason I want to break up? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 27, 2017, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362 "2017-12-27T00:18:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/21 "2017-12-27T02:28:40Z")
End this relationship. Whether she does it or you do (“It’s just not working out” is all you have to say), it doesn’t matter. Don’t go into detail. You don’t owe her an explanation. This statement in your OP was a big red flag to me, “She’s kind of moody and anti-social, but nothing I couldn’t live with.” I’m sure you’re right about this, but you do not have to “live with” it. This level of doubt does not bode well for the future success of the relationship, kids or no kids. Don’t rescue someone just because they’ve had a hard time in life. She will find someone else to rescue her, I assure you. And don’t call her any more. No more conversation. At all. Leave her number in your phone, and if she calls you, don’t pick up. Clean break, that’s the kindest thing. Don’t feel guilty. By getting out of her life, you’re doing both of you a favor. Move on. When you have doubts, listen to them. I dated a guy for years and I constantly wondered if I should break up with him. He was a great guy and really loved me, but still I wondered just about every day. When I met the man I would marry, I didn’t wonder any more–I was absolutely sure I wanted to marry him. And I thought to myself, “Oh. This is what it’s supposed to feel like.” JMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/22 "2017-12-27T02:29:36Z")
Well, that’s that and it’s over now. I do feel a little bad. Just about everything everyone has said about why we should split has been true. But I did like her enough to date for months, and I know she did care for me on some level too. _sigh_ ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/23 "2017-12-27T02:36:11Z")
Ah, answered me before I completed the question. Congrats-ish. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/24 "2017-12-27T02:49:08Z")
> [@ThelmaLou](#): > > This statement in your OP was a big red flag to me, “She’s kind of moody and anti-social, but nothing I couldn’t live with.” I’m sure you’re right about this, but you do not have to “live with” it. This level of doubt does not bode well for the future success of the relationship, kids or no kids. Don’t rescue someone just because they’ve had a hard time in life. She will find someone else to rescue her, I assure you. I hope you’re right. Her personal life has been one long disaster; in fact, her life in general has. It’s not so much that she needed rescuing; I’m not that ambitious or delusional, and would’ve avoided any such situation. It’s more like I was helping just by being a normal guy, who didn’t beat her, steal from her, cheat on her, etc. It’s kind of like what **adaher** described; she just couldn’t seem to figure out how to run her own life. But …she was already making progress. She copied the way I budget my money, and all of a sudden she wasn’t overdrawn every month. I told her she deserved a better job/higher pay, so she started job hunting. Once her boss started getting reference check phone calls they gave her a 50% raise! I wondered just how high she could go, but it just seemed like SUCH a long path. Frankly, hanging out with her and her kids made me feel like I was slumming it, and I don’t know how that could’ve ever changed. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/25 "2017-12-27T03:12:29Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Obviously she needs someone who can help her. He’s just not that person. Break it off, the sooner the better. IMHO. She shouldn’t be dating men to find someone to help her out. The relationship should be solid on its own, before the guy is in a position to be helping her out. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/26 "2017-12-27T03:19:16Z")
Yeah, you’re right. I jumped in before thinking. Sorry Lizard , and others. My bad. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/27 "2017-12-27T03:32:56Z")
@the OP: I think you should let her know, indeed. It is possible she doesn’t realize her kids need a change in parenting style. If nothing else, honesty usually beats burying feelings or leaving truth unexpressed. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/28 "2017-12-27T03:38:42Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Nah! Why would you? She is better off without you. Not to hijack, but what kind of man are you implying the single mom would be better off with? Someone who would say, “Your daughter’s foul-mouthed/undisciplined behavior is good and appropriate?” ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/29 "2017-12-27T04:02:09Z")
> [@Lizard](#): > > I hope you’re right. Her personal life has been one long disaster; in fact, her life in general has. It’s not so much that she needed rescuing; I’m not that ambitious or delusional, and would’ve avoided any such situation. It’s more like I was helping just by being a normal guy, who didn’t beat her, steal from her, cheat on her, etc. It’s kind of like what **adaher** described; she just couldn’t seem to figure out how to run her own life. > But …she was already making progress. She copied the way I budget my money, and all of a sudden she wasn’t overdrawn every month. I told her she deserved a better job/higher pay, so she started job hunting. Once her boss started getting reference check phone calls they gave her a 50% raise! I wondered just how high she could go, but it just seemed like SUCH a long path. Frankly, hanging out with her and her kids made me feel like I was slumming it, and I don’t know how that could’ve ever changed. It sounds like your brief involvement with her did her worlds of good. Every relationship can’t be The One. Be a little sad and then move on. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/30 "2017-12-27T04:07:13Z")
It seems the OP has already helped her. If he is not willing to help anymore, or if it is too much for him to handle he should move on. I was being smart-assed by saying what I did, the way I did. I want to be careful saying anything else, but it does seem it is not the right fit for either of them. Apparently it is a done deal now, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![adaher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@adaher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adaher)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/31 "2017-12-27T13:56:58Z")
> [@ThelmaLou](#): > > I dated a guy for years and I constantly wondered if I should break up with him. He was a great guy and really loved me, but still I wondered just about every day. When I met the man I would marry, I didn’t wonder any more–I was absolutely sure I wanted to marry him. And I thought to myself, “Oh. This is what it’s supposed to feel like.” > > JMHO. i think this is the way to do it if you are willing to never get married, because you may never find that guy that you’re sure about. And I know a lot of happy,never married women in their 40s. Weren’t willing to settle. But a person who wants a family more than anything and can’t imagine the prospect of being single for life, you do have to take a more intellectual approach to the exercise. My wife certainly has never been head over heels for me. I got chosen because I’m safe and predictable. No vices, no criminal record, don’t sleep around, no anger issues. When we adopt kids I’ll be an adequate to good parent. She’s made it very clear she chose me logically, not emotionally. And I’m good with that. The idea of marrying based on what your heart says is primarily a modern western idea. Other cultures have known for a long time that there are pitfalls to that approach. It’s especially problematic if everyone is expected to get married. It only works well in our culture because it’s okay to be single your whole life. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/32 "2017-12-27T13:57:26Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > It seems the OP has already helped her. If he is not willing to help anymore, or if it is too much for him to handle he should move on. I was being smart-assed by saying what I did, the way I did. I want to be careful saying anything else, but it does seem it is not the right fit for either of them. Apparently it is a done deal now, anyway. “Not being willing” and “too much to handle”? :dubious: I agree with the rest of what you said. It doesn’t sound like a good fit, and no one is to blame for that. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/33 "2017-12-27T14:45:33Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > But a person who wants a family more than anything and can’t imagine the prospect of being single for life, you do have to take a more intellectual approach to the exercise. My wife certainly has never been head over heels for me. I got chosen because I’m safe and predictable. No vices, no criminal record, don’t sleep around, no anger issues. When we adopt kids I’ll be an adequate to good parent. She’s made it very clear she chose me logically, not emotionally. And I’m good with that. The idea of marrying based on what your heart says is primarily a modern western idea. Other cultures have known for a long time that there are pitfalls to that approach. It’s especially problematic if everyone is expected to get married. It only works well in our culture because it’s okay to be single your whole life. Well, neither following my heart nor being logical seems to have worked for me. _sigh_ ---
**Author:** ![adaher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@adaher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adaher)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/34 "2017-12-27T15:35:20Z")
First, decide what you want. If you don’t NEED to have a family and can be happy single, don’t settle. Wait for “the one”. If having a family is a very important thing to you, play the dating game. I regret never having done low stakes dating. I just fell into relationships and one worked and one didn’t. But I would have liked to meet people and learn what I liked and didn’t like in a woman. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/35 "2017-12-27T15:44:44Z")
I don’t have any advice but this seems to be a common problem. Sometimes not the kids themselves but the way the parent deals with them. I still recall the first time I heard of this kind of problem, an older friend told me he broke it off with a woman he was about to marry when he realized how dishonest she was with her kids. He felt if she could lie to her own children she wouldn’t have any problem lying to him. Don’t consider this good advice, but I think you should take the hit and say you aren’t ready for kids. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/36 "2017-12-27T15:48:49Z")
> [@Lizard](#): > > Well, that’s that and it’s over now. I do feel a little bad. Just about everything everyone has said about why we should split has been true. But I did like her enough to date for months, and I know she did care for me on some level too. _sigh_ That has been my experience, too. When I’ve come to the decision that I wanted to break up with someone, I usually didn’t have to do anything formal. Nature just took it’s course. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/37 "2017-12-27T15:48:54Z")
My advice is the OP should just offer some generic reason like “I’m sorry. I just don’t feel this is right for me.” Don’t identify the children as the reason. The OP is leaving this situation but the family is still going to be together. Creating possible resentment between a mother and her children isn’t going to help anyone. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/38 "2017-12-27T16:25:03Z")
Nothin’ better than gettin’ dumped between Christmas and New Year! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/39 "2017-12-27T16:37:12Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > First, decide what you want. If you don’t NEED to have a family and can be happy single, don’t settle. Wait for “the one”. If having a family is a very important thing to you, play the dating game. I regret never having done low stakes dating. I just fell into relationships and one worked and one didn’t. But I would have liked to meet people and learn what I liked and didn’t like in a woman. You are full of good insight, **adaher**. If you’ve only had two relationships, where’d you learn all this? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/40 "2017-12-27T16:43:46Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > My advice is the OP should just offer some generic reason like “I’m sorry. I just don’t feel this is right for me.” Don’t identify the children as the reason. > > The OP is leaving this situation but the family is still going to be together. Creating possible resentment between a mother and her children isn’t going to help anyone. Pretty much same here. I’d keep my trap shut and use a generic reason for the reason you state. I don’t think anything good comes of telling her that her asshole kids are the reason they broke up. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362.md?page=3)