# Should I tell a single mother I've been dating her KIDS are the reason I want to break up? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 27, 2017, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362 "2017-12-27T00:18:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![aceplace57](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aceplace57/32/3500_2.png) [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/41 "2017-12-27T16:44:47Z")
A friend of mine had the opposite problem. He became very attached to his GF"s kids. He spent a lot time with them for a couple years. The relationship with the GF ended and he was more broken up about not seeing those kids again. He’s in a new relationship now and constantly talking about starting a family. ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/42 "2017-12-27T16:48:17Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > My wife certainly has never been head over heels for me. I got chosen because I’m safe and predictable. No vices, no criminal record, don’t sleep around, no anger issues. When we adopt kids I’ll be an adequate to good parent. She’s made it very clear she chose me logically, not emotionally. And I’m good with that. This is one of the most depressing posts I’ve ever read on this board (or anywhere else). ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/43 "2017-12-27T17:01:08Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > Nothin’ better than gettin’ dumped between Christmas and New Year! 😃 I had a friend who took great pride in ending relationships right before xmas, thus saving money on gifts and avoiding spending time with a gf’s family. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/44 "2017-12-27T17:08:34Z")
> [@Spiderman](#): > > This is one of the most depressing posts I’ve ever read on this board (or anywhere else). I just hope that they live long and prosper. ---
**Author:** ![SamuelA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@SamuelA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SamuelA)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/45 "2017-12-27T17:27:41Z")
> [@j666](#): > > Sure. You’re being kind of deceitful and manipulative, letting her break up with you, when you’ve already decided to break up with her, when you know she doesn’t really want to break up with you But does she know that he knows that she doesn’t want to break up? Does she actually want to break up and the OP is just wrong about the pretext for getting her stuff? STAY TUNED… ---
**Author:** ![adaher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@adaher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adaher)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/46 "2017-12-27T17:37:55Z")
> [@Spiderman](#): > > This is one of the most depressing posts I’ve ever read on this board (or anywhere else). “You’ll do.” So romantic. 😃 But we talk about it a lot, a relationship is about so much more than passion. Sometimes people can literally only get passionate about people who are bad for them. That’s why people often have the same bad relationships over and over. THAT’s truly depressing. ---
**Author:** ![dflower](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dflower/32/3270_2.png) [@dflower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dflower)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/47 "2017-12-27T17:40:34Z")
Should I tell a single mother I’ve been dating her KIDS are the reason I want to break up? NO Why would you want to hurt her feelings like that? Don’t do it, please ---
**Author:** ![adaher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@adaher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adaher)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/48 "2017-12-27T18:00:27Z")
If her kids are actually problematic, if it’s not him it will be the next guy. If her kids are being raised that badly she shouldn’t be dating in the first place. Her search for male companionship might be the primary distraction keeping her from focusing on her children. Some people are just not ready to have relationships but really want relationships. Telling her the truth makes her more likely to recognize that she should probably stop looking for a man. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/49 "2017-12-27T18:10:23Z")
It could be they just have fundamentally different ideas about parenting, and what to the OP is “foul-mouthed and ill-mannered” is fine with her. I mean, I suspect I would also disagre with the way she’s raising her kids, but that’s a reason they are a bad match–not a hard truth she needs to hear. This is especially true if the one son is special-needs. ---
**Author:** ![SamuelA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@SamuelA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SamuelA)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/50 "2017-12-27T18:21:34Z")
> [@dflower](#): > > Should I tell a single mother I’ve been dating her KIDS are the reason I want to break up? > NO > Why would you want to hurt her feelings like that? Don’t do it, please I think part of the problem is our culture indoctrination - the endless TV shows and romantic comedies that have been filmed - always preach “total honesty”. In these shows, anyone who chooses to lie to their partner always ends up in a worse place than if they told the truth. This is of course total bullshit. Doesn’t mean you should lie all the time, but at a minimum your romantic partner does _not_ need total disclosure, and if a lie will keep the peace and there’s no real chance it’s going to be discovered, keep it zipped. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/51 "2017-12-27T18:31:34Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > If her kids are actually problematic, if it’s not him it will be the next guy. If her kids are being raised that badly she shouldn’t be dating in the first place. Her search for male companionship might be the primary distraction keeping her from focusing on her children. I’m not sure she perceives a problem. I’ve told her I didn’t like who she morphed into around her kids … she becomes a mean, angry b\*tch around them. And they’ve clearly gotten used to that, so yelling is the only thing they respond to anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/52 "2017-12-27T18:39:21Z")
> [@Spiderman](#): > > This is one of the most depressing posts I’ve ever read on this board (or anywhere else). I dunno. Marrying for love is a relatively recent, and Western, concept. We find it depressing because we believe in the romanticized ideal despite its rarity. Research indicates that arranged marriages are just about as happy as ‘‘for love’’ ones and that’s because once the endorphins wear off, you’re stuck with the person, not the ideal, in both cases. In both cases, you are facing practical challenges together, in a way that has nothing to do with how good the sex is. I think there is a difference between settling - ‘‘this is as good as I’m going to find, and I am desperate, so I might as well give in’’ and making the rational choice - ‘‘I care about stability and dependability more than smouldering bedsheets and that’s why this person is right for me.’’ The latter is more, I dunno, empowered. I was in a can’t-lose situation with **Sr. Weasel** because the thing I was most looking for was stability. His dependability and responsible nature is a huge chunk of what made me love him. My checklist of ‘‘perfect man’’ was less ‘‘blue eyes and really tall’’ and more, [21 Things](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/alanismorissette/21thingsiwantinalover.html). Compared to the bad-boy red-hot lover stereotype I guess he is boring, but there is passion in boring, for me, because consistency and safety are what my soul most needs. The dude is a fucking rock. And his parenting is going to be off the hook, I can just tell. I had my cake and ate it too, but if I couldn’t find that, I was content with being alone. Methinks you dodged a bullet, **Lizard**. There are worse things than being alone, and being at the center of a continuous screaming parent-kid drama is one of those worse things. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/53 "2017-12-27T19:20:25Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > I don’t have any advice but this seems to be a common problem. Sometimes not the kids themselves but the way the parent deals with them. I still recall the first time I heard of this kind of problem, an older friend told me he broke it off with a woman he was about to marry when he realized how dishonest she was with her kids. He felt if she could lie to her own children she wouldn’t have any problem lying to him. > > Don’t consider this good advice, but I think you should take the hit and say you aren’t ready for kids. Having to deal with extended family is another issue when somebody dates/marries a person with kids. Lizard, is the kids’ dad(s) in the picture? ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/54 "2017-12-27T19:29:16Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > Having to deal with extended family is another issue when somebody dates/marries a person with kids. > > Lizard, is the kids’ dad(s) in the picture? Actually no, he’s dead. But she has no real relationships with her immediate family, even though live just across town. That was kind of a red flag too. Not that they’re _bad_ people, exactly … but that’s a relative measure. She describes her brother as always drunk and extremely negative. Her mother is also deceased, and her father has remarried. HE chose to not have any of his kids/grandkids over for Christmas, and hang out with his wife’s family. I’m not terribly surprised, but that doesn’t sound good either. ---
**Author:** ![Tee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@Tee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tee)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/55 "2017-12-27T20:17:36Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > But a person who wants a family more than anything and can’t imagine the prospect of being single for life, you do have to take a more intellectual approach to the exercise. My wife certainly has never been head over heels for me. I got chosen because I’m safe and predictable. No vices, no criminal record, don’t sleep around, no anger issues. When we adopt kids I’ll be an adequate to good parent. She’s made it very clear she chose me logically, not emotionally. And I’m good with that. Has she chosen the kids yet? ---
**Author:** ![adaher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@adaher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adaher)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/56 "2017-12-27T20:22:06Z")
We’re looking for kids into cooking and heavy metal who like to read. In all seriousness though, one of the benefits of adoption is that you do have some control over the type of child you adopt. ---
**Author:** ![Tee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@Tee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tee)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/57 "2017-12-27T21:00:06Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > We’re looking for kids into cooking and heavy metal who like to read. > > In all seriousness though, one of the benefits of adoption is that you do have some control over the type of child you adopt. So, yes. Its ok for you to sign up for a loveless marriage, you’re a grown man. I’d be careful bringing kids into it though. ---
**Author:** ![SamuelA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@SamuelA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SamuelA)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/58 "2017-12-27T21:08:06Z")
> [@Tee](#): > > So, yes. > > Its ok for you to sign up for a loveless marriage, you’re a grown man. I’d be careful bringing kids into it though. What about a lust-less marriage? How do you tell the difference between ‘love’ and obsession with and fondness for your hot sex partner… ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/59 "2017-12-27T21:18:15Z")
There’s love and then there is ‘love’. A settled, comfortable and peaceful existence is what I was after. I grew up in a large chaotic family. Lots of drama and movement. It is so nice to not have to compete for every word and crumb of attention. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Don’t chose drama for dramas sake. Fireworks can burn. ---
**Author:** ![adaher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@adaher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adaher)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/60 "2017-12-27T22:29:49Z")
> [@Tee](#): > > So, yes. > > Its ok for you to sign up for a loveless marriage, you’re a grown man. I’d be careful bringing kids into it though. hardly loveless. Did you fall in love with your siblings or your parents? You can love someone without falling in love with them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362.md?page=4)