# Should I tell a single mother I've been dating her KIDS are the reason I want to break up? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 27, 2017, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362 "2017-12-27T00:18:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2017, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/61 "2017-12-27T22:57:58Z")
And, Lizard, there’s that one thing- ‘the heart wants what the heart wants’. ---
**Author:** ![moojja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e5b9ba/32.png) [@moojja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moojja)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2017, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/62 "2017-12-28T01:11:39Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > We’re looking for kids into cooking and heavy metal who like to read. > > In all seriousness though, one of the benefits of adoption is that you do have some control over the type of child you adopt. Seriously! I understand having a logical marriage and not needing the passion. But what kind of adaption agency are you working with? How do you have control over the type of child you adopt? They’re not pets. ---
**Author:** ![Tee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@Tee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tee)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2017, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/63 "2017-12-28T01:16:28Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > hardly loveless. Did you fall in love with your siblings or your parents? You can love someone without falling in love with them. Yes, because I have an emotional connection to parents and siblings. I thought you were saying that didn’t exist in your marriage, but here you are loving each other. So it’s all good. ---
**Author:** ![purplehearingaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@purplehearingaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehearingaid)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2017, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/64 "2017-12-28T01:32:36Z")
I wonder if the 11 yo girl didn’t want the relationship to work and was acting up . She could had been jealous of not getting as much attention from her mom and might act this way with any guy her mom date . I have seen this happen with women I know . It’s hard on kids seeing their parent with another person. It sounds like the mom needs to talk to her kids before trying to date again. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2017, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/65 "2017-12-28T01:56:53Z")
> [@purplehearingaid](#): > > I wonder if the 11 yo girl didn’t want the relationship to work and was acting up . She could had been jealous of not getting as much attention from her mom and might act this way with any guy her mom date . I have seen this happen with women I know . It’s hard on kids seeing their parent with another person. It sounds like the mom needs to talk to her kids before trying to date again. That’s a reasonable question, but no. My ex said her kids actually LIKED me, and while they have acted badly around guys she dated in the past, they were acting better than normal around me. She said it might be because I lasted a lot longer than normal (4.5 months!). But kids feeling threatened is a major reason I don’t (well didn’t, before this, and now won’t again) date single moms in general. It became pretty clear from being around them that my ex just didn’t have a handle on the whole parenting thing. She was always issuing commands like the kids were in the military, except the kids ignored 2/3 of what she said, until she got mad and started yelling. This happened with clockwork regularity. I tried to point out that she had basically trained her kids to ignore her until she got mad, but I don’t think she ever got what I was saying. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2017, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/66 "2017-12-28T02:50:37Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > And, Lizard, there’s that one thing- ‘the heart wants what the heart wants’. My Heart wants a beer. > [@Lizard](#): > > I tried to point out that she had basically trained her kids to ignore her until she got mad, but I don’t think she ever got what I was saying. Well, you needed to tell it to two more times, then start yelling it. 😉 Let’s hear more about that “3 week” conversation! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2017, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/67 "2017-12-28T03:45:16Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > Let’s hear more about that “3 week” conversation! 😃 What are you referring to? ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2017, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/68 "2017-12-28T04:21:48Z")
Well, the op did the best thing for him and her. A bad relationship is slow suicide on the inside. > [@adaher](#): > > “You’ll do.” So romantic. 😃 > > But we talk about it a lot, a relationship is about so much more than passion. Sometimes people can literally only get passionate about people who are bad for them. That’s why people often have the same bad relationships over and over. THAT’s truly depressing. If your relationship is anything like mine (Mrs. Guest and I talked every aspect of our impending marriage we could think of to death over a period of about 6 years) people might be surprised at how HOT and **HEAVY** a passionless marriage can be at times. I remember how things were in my first marriage and I didn’t want that again ---
**Author:** ![GreenWyvern](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greenwyvern/32/2834_2.png) [@GreenWyvern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreenWyvern)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2017, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/69 "2017-12-28T06:33:56Z")
> [@SamuelA](#): > > I think part of the problem is our culture indoctrination - the endless TV shows and romantic comedies that have been filmed - always preach “total honesty”. In these shows, anyone who chooses to lie to their partner always ends up in a worse place than if they told the truth. > > This is of course total bullshit. Doesn’t mean you should lie all the time, but at a minimum your romantic partner does _not_ need total disclosure, and if a lie will keep the peace and there’s no real chance it’s going to be discovered, keep it zipped. Watch the Seinfeld episode _The Truth_. It’s an exception. It tells the truth about telling the truth. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2017, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/70 "2017-12-28T14:54:42Z")
> [@snfaulkner](#): > > I misread your title. I though you were saying you wanted to break it off so you could date her kids! Same here. I got my popcorn ready for nothing! ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2017, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/71 "2017-12-28T19:23:51Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > i think this is the way to do it if you are willing to never get married, because you may never find that guy that you’re sure about. And I know a lot of happy,never married women in their 40s. Weren’t willing to settle. > > But a person who wants a family more than anything and can’t imagine the prospect of being single for life, you do have to take a more intellectual approach to the exercise. My wife certainly has never been head over heels for me. I got chosen because I’m safe and predictable. No vices, no criminal record, don’t sleep around, no anger issues. When we adopt kids I’ll be an adequate to good parent. She’s made it very clear she chose me logically, not emotionally. And I’m good with that. The idea of marrying based on what your heart says is primarily a modern western idea. Other cultures have known for a long time that there are pitfalls to that approach. It’s especially problematic if everyone is expected to get married. It only works well in our culture because it’s okay to be single your whole life. > [@Spiderman](#): > > This is one of the most depressing posts I’ve ever read on this board (or anywhere else). Not necessarily. People get married for any number of reasons, some of which may appear cold and pragmatic to folks with different values and drives. The important thing is that there is understanding and acceptance of terms in each relationship. If one party is in it to be romantic and passionate and doesn’t care about buying a house together and raising kids while the other is primarily looking for someone to establish a household with and settle down, that’s a problem. If both parties are getting married primarily so they can go be couples missionaries in Japan and they have a good understanding and acceptance of each other’s expectations in sexual, emotional, and financial spheres, that’s probably OK. If they don’t know why the hell they’re getting married, that’s a HUGE problem. I’ve been officiating weddings since 2005. The first question I ask is why the couple is getting married. One couple looked at each other and couldn’t think of a reason. That’s the only marriage I’ve done that ended in divorce (so far, of course). On the other hand, one couple was getting married expressly because the groom, ten years younger than the bride, needed health insurance. That was in 2006. They’re still together. It may seem counter-intuitive, but when Sting wrote [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfPVNPLuNRM), he may have been on to something. That song broke my heart when I first heard it, but people do live this way, often very happily. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2017, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/72 "2017-12-28T19:26:42Z")
> [@adaher](#): > > i think this is the way to do it if you are willing to never get married, because you may never find that guy that you’re sure about. And I know a lot of happy,never married women in their 40s. Weren’t willing to settle. > > But a person who wants a family more than anything and can’t imagine the prospect of being single for life, you do have to take a more intellectual approach to the exercise. My wife certainly has never been head over heels for me. I got chosen because I’m safe and predictable. No vices, no criminal record, don’t sleep around, no anger issues. When we adopt kids I’ll be an adequate to good parent. She’s made it very clear she chose me logically, not emotionally. And I’m good with that. The idea of marrying based on what your heart says is primarily a modern western idea. Other cultures have known for a long time that there are pitfalls to that approach. It’s especially problematic if everyone is expected to get married. It only works well in our culture because it’s okay to be single your whole life. _You’re sort of everything I’ve ever wanted You’re not perfect, but I love you anyhow You are the woman that I’ve always dreamed of Well, not really, but you’re good enough for now._ -Al Yankovic, “Good Enough For Now” ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2017, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/73 "2017-12-28T19:38:16Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > My checklist of ‘‘perfect man’’ was less ‘‘blue eyes and really tall’’ and more, [21 Things](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/alanismorissette/21thingsiwantinalover.html). That’s a lot of things! 10 words: Mutual trust and respect. Shared or compatible goals/values/worldview. ---
**Author:** ![HelenGawn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@HelenGawn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelenGawn)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2017, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/74 "2017-12-28T20:42:51Z")
> [@Lizard](#): > > I hope you’re right. Her personal life has been one long disaster; in fact, her life in general has. It’s not so much that she needed rescuing; I’m not that ambitious or delusional, and would’ve avoided any such situation. It’s more like I was helping just by being a normal guy, who didn’t beat her, steal from her, cheat on her, etc. It’s kind of like what **adaher** described; she just couldn’t seem to figure out how to run her own life. > But …she was already making progress. She copied the way I budget my money, and all of a sudden she wasn’t overdrawn every month. I told her she deserved a better job/higher pay, so she started job hunting. Once her boss started getting reference check phone calls they gave her a 50% raise! I wondered just how high she could go, but it just seemed like SUCH a long path. Frankly, hanging out with her and her kids made me feel like I was slumming it, and I don’t know how that could’ve ever changed. You are a very generous person. (I say that sincerely.) It sound like the breakup was gentle and without drama or recrimination, which is a tribute to you. I have to believe that the help you’ve given her in seeing how to make her own life better will stick with her and she’ll continue to grow. I hope it’s not too late for her kids, but her walking the walk will certainly help them, too. Good luck to all of you. ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2017, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/75 "2017-12-29T03:35:52Z")
You DO sound like a compassionate person. And honestly, even if you’d stayed with her, you couldn’t have fixed her. She learned some good skills from you, and the breakup was gentle. You can feel good about that. If you ever again find yourself dating someone with obnoxious kids, do NOT tell the mom so when you’re breaking up. It’s an emotionally charged situation, and telling her her kids are awful will either tick her off or devastate her. Since she lashed out at her kids so much, it’s not unlikely she would have blamed them for the breakup. The time to raise the subject, if it _must_ be raised, is when things are going well, and you can sympathetically say you see how hard it is to be a single parent. That family needs counseling, and you’re not the guy to do it. Actually, I think it’s a mistake to introduce kids to someone you’re dating until the relationship is on very solid ground and has been for 6 months. Otherwise, they experience the break-up like a mini-divorce. Wish her well and move on. You’re still a good guy. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2017, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/76 "2017-12-29T17:28:23Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > That’s a lot of things! > > 10 words: > > Mutual trust and respect. > Shared or compatible goals/values/worldview. Notice that Alanis slid in that little caveat - ''Not necessarily needs, but qualities that I prefer. I figure I can describe them since I have a choice in the matter." She’s effectively recognizing her power to maximize the odds of a successful relationship by identifying what’s most important. And I think her list points to your 10 words. Those things are based on what she values in life. (some of those 21 things fit my preferences, others not so much - it came to mind because that album was on heavy rotation in my music library when I first started dating **Sr. Weasel**.) And - in the interest of full disclosure - I was 19 years old. Heaven knows how my ideas of an ideal relationship may have changed with time. I’ve been with the same dude my entire adult life. He really turned out good beyond my wildest imaginings even at that time. I still don’t entirely understand how it happened, or how it is still happening, but surely choice factors in somewhere. I agree with **guestchaz** , there is passion in planning. There is something really powerful in knowing what you want and then finding out those desires are shared. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2017, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/77 "2017-12-29T18:47:05Z")
> [@Lizard](#): > > Well, hold the phone. We had a conversation tonight on why we haven’t been intimate in 3 weeks. If you’ve only been dating 4.5 months, which is really no time at all and little enough IMHO that it’s not worthy of some major event or explanation anyway, and you are already sexless it doesnt sound like much of a relationship. Just sounds like dating that ran its course. And perhaps you both love drama. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2017, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/78 "2017-12-29T19:18:01Z")
> [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](#): > > If you’ve only been dating 4.5 months, which is really no time at all and little enough IMHO that it’s not worthy of some major event or explanation anyway, and you are already sexless it doesnt sound like much of a relationship. People move at all different speeds in relationships, though I did feel she moved too fast. This is a rural community, the dating pool is not deep, so “dating around” is not a very familiar concept. There’s no such thing as “checking out your options,” because there just aren’t many. > [@](#): > > Just sounds like dating that ran its course. And perhaps you both love drama. Heh. Maybe. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2017, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/79 "2017-12-29T19:27:17Z")
Wait, where is the ‘‘loving drama’’ coming in? If he’s cutting and running, seems he’s not so much into the drama. Relationship advice threads on the Dope are basically giant Rorschach tests. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2017, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362/80 "2017-12-29T19:58:10Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > … giant Rorschach tests. A little penicillin will clear that right up. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-a-single-mother-ive-been-dating-her-kids-are-the-reason-i-want-to-break-up/805362.md?page=5)