# Should I Tell Him My Sexuality? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 20, 2009, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373 "2009-06-20T04:40:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Other\_Dreams](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Other\_Dreams](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Other_Dreams)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2009, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/21 "2009-06-20T18:50:10Z")
> [@DMark](#): > > First of all, take a deep breath. > Any number of things could be happening, but just take things slowly. > You have made contact, he seems friendly, leave it at that for now. > Get to know him better and listen - really listen to what he is saying between the lines. Eventually you will pick up on what he feels about lots of things. > Could be he knows full well you are Gay and is just curious. > Might be he is totally clueless and just is trying to be friendly. > > Give this friendship some time. I am sure at some point you will have an opportunity, one on one, to broach the subject - but seriously, let this evolve and don’t try to rush your fantasy. Many a young Gay guy as woefully regretted rushing into something that later comes back to haunt him in school for years to come. It might seem like you only have a small window of opportunity here - but trust me, if anything is going to happen, in cases like this it is always wise to let the “other side” initiate the conversation/event. They have to feel they can trust you first. And trust usually comes over time. Thank you DMark for your helpful advice! In all honesty this is the first time in which I did not have to initiate the friendship(He did). I guess I am just not used to being sure that someone actually wants to speak with me. It seems foreign, certainty… I may be insane. ~S.P.I.~ ---
**Author:** ![Other\_Dreams](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Other\_Dreams](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Other_Dreams)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2009, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/22 "2009-06-20T18:57:47Z")
> [@Captain\_Amazing](#): > > First of all, I’ve never heard of the clubs you join going on your school record. That doesn’t mean that no one will know you’re a member of the club, of course, but no one will take official notice of it. The only stuff that’s in your record, really, are your transcript, and whether you’ve paid them. > > I do agree with other people that he’s likely just outgoing and trying to be friendly. I do think you need to relax a little bit. I felt tense just reading your transcript. 🙂 I can’t give you any advice as to whether you should come out to him or not…that depends on how out you are in general and how close you want the relationship to be. Admittedly I just love to write and I have a pretty good memory (when I am not daydreaming off to the side), and so if I am telling someone what has happened it is usually quote for quote. Next time I have a dilemma though…I’ll try to be a little more condensed. _Try_ being the key word there… It is good to hear that there won’t be any official recognition (this sounds funny) of which clubs I join. I’ll be sure to join it then. See, this is why I love Straight Dope. (The implications…) ~S.P.I.~ P.S.: I’ll probably update this on Monday. Not as long as my OP, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2009, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/23 "2009-06-20T19:04:20Z")
> [@Other\_Dreams](#): > > Admittedly I just love to write and I have a pretty good memory (when I am not daydreaming off to the side), and so if I am telling someone what has happened it is usually quote for quote. Next time I have a dilemma though…I’ll try to be a little more condensed. _Try_ being the key word there… No, I’m not saying that your story was too long. I’m saying that, from your description, you seemed really nervous and awkward in your conversations with this guy, and that you’d probably do better and have a better time if you tried to relax around him. ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2009, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/24 "2009-06-20T19:10:51Z")
> [@Other\_Dreams](#): > > ~ > > P.S.: I’ll probably **update this on Monday**. Not as long as my OP, of course. Dude - seriously - slow down! How about a next Friday update, after you have let things run their course _slowly_ over the entire week. There is an old joke, something along the lines of: What does a Lesbian take on her first date? A U-Haul." The point is that many Lesbians seem to move in together, lock stock and barrel, after knowing each other for 15 minutes. I know from experience that patience is not a virtue with young Gay guys. Just don’t be one of those who are already planning your future when you hardly know this guy yet…just let thing evolve. Slowly. ---
**Author:** ![Other\_Dreams](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Other\_Dreams](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Other_Dreams)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2009, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/25 "2009-06-20T19:20:31Z")
> [@DMark](#): > > Dude - seriously - slow down! > How about a next Friday update, after you have let things run their course _slowly_ over the entire week. > > There is an old joke, something along the lines of: What does a Lesbian take on her first date? A U-Haul." > The point is that many Lesbians seem to move in together, lock stock and barrel, after knowing each other for 15 minutes. > > I know from experience that patience is not a virtue with young Gay guys. Just don’t be one of those who are already planning your future when you hardly know this guy yet…just let thing evolve. Slowly. No, No, No - I meant I will update with whether or not I told him, whether or not the conversation came up, and yadda yadda yadda…I’m already past thinking he secretly likes me. I’m being rational now - scratch that - I am being _more_ rational now. But yes - I need to be slow and relaxed. Two qualities I lack in social environments. Slow. Relaxed. Breath in. And out. Use the period in the middle of a sentence. Fix it by making a joke. ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2009, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/26 "2009-06-20T20:36:12Z")
I don’t have any advice\* but I enjoyed reading the OP. \*Except that the Arabs and Indians comment is a red flag. Or maybe pink. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2009, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/27 "2009-06-20T20:51:12Z")
> [@AuntiePam](#): > > \*Except that the Arabs and Indians comment is a red flag. Or maybe pink. What does being prejudiced against Arabs and Indians have to do with sexual orientation? ---
**Author:** ![fervour](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@fervour](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fervour)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2009, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/28 "2009-06-20T20:54:36Z")
> [@Other\_Dreams](#): > > . . . > Mike Thames is attractive; he is the most attractive person in the Mathematics Laboratory; and we are friends. > . . . > He says he is straight - > . . . > He says, “. . . all the hot women in there treat me like I am stupid, you know what I mean?” > . . . > > I tell a friend about this day. She thinks something is odd, too. Mass Hysteria, or Perceptive Genius? > . . . > > Once again all eyes are on him as he interrupts the laboratories train of thought, “HEY, COME SIT OVER HERE.” > > I was thinking to myself, awesome, but I get up casually as if the prospect of sitting next to him is dismal at best. Then he spots the table he normally sits out and says, “NEVERMIND. YOU CAN STAY WHERE YOU ARE. I AM GOING TO SIT OVER HERE WITH THESE FOLKS.” > > . . . > Occasionally I do look up; **I see him talking to one of the subjectively prettier tutors(female). He stares at her like she is candy to his eyes.** I decipher this to be a clear sign of his sexuality. I resign myself to just being the gay friend who gets to stare at my delicious friend constantly without taking consequence. > > . . . > \*\*He shows me explicit photographs of his girlfriend. \*\* > . . . > \*\*He said he is a devout pentacostal man \*\*(though I have my doubts) and believes everything in the bible. > . . . > > But Monday ticks closer. What is your opinion of all this? Can you even give an opinion? > > Moreover, should I tell him my sexuality when I see him Monday? I was thinking before he buys me lunch…so he doesn’t toss it in my face if the conversation goes awry. (bolding mine) Based on the above passages, I think you should leave him alone. Even if he is gay or bi he is so mixed-up that he wouldn’t be a good friend for you. —Showing a gay guy that you are “interested” by sharing explicit pictures of your girlfriend??—That’s like elementary school boys running up and punching the arms of the girls that they like. Mike may be interested in you. Your instincts may be right. OTOH, you might be letting your infatuation run away with you. Maybe he only wants to save your soul from eternal damnation. He may be interested in you but immature, or he may be a conservative, straight guy. Either scenario make Mike a bad choice for you, the gay guy. You don’t need to be rude or unpleasant to end this new friendship. In the upcoming conversations, steer the topics towards things that emphasize your differing POVs without picking topics that are too volatile. You can even maintain an office-friendship type relationship. ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2009, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/29 "2009-06-20T21:01:19Z")
> [@Captain\_Amazing](#): > > What does being prejudiced against Arabs and Indians have to do with sexual orientation? Nothing. The flag goes up because the Indians/Arabs comment was stereotyping, which isn’t something you’d want to see in a possible friend, especially if you’re different from the friend. It’s not quite a red flag – the guy wasn’t hateful or aggressive – but it’s still troublesome, hence the pink. I explained that badly, didn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2009, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/30 "2009-06-20T21:20:33Z")
[ignore this post] ---
**Author:** ![Other\_Dreams](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Other\_Dreams](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Other_Dreams)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2009, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/31 "2009-06-20T21:21:47Z")
Whoa, I am just going to reply to both of you in one post. **Fervour** You make some very good points. I don’t want to listen to them, because I want to be friends with him, but now that you have brought them up I am going to have to consider them. Bah. We did get on the subject of religion and I told him rather directly that I am not religious, that I don’t believe in any god, and that I find it to be insensible. He didn’t seem at all offended, he just went, “Pfft. I would beat you in a debate about God, so don’t even try it.” I laughed, “Oh, how hilarious!” but this didn’t deter him either. He may want to be devout, he may want to believe everything - but it is clear by his actions that he isn’t following it very well. He doesn’t seem to mind if I disagree with him which I thought was a _good thing_ to have in a friendship. Your thoughts? **AuntiePam** I am glad you enjoyed it. My passion is writing and I tend to convey information better over the internet…so I kind of went overboard with how much I put in. It always amazes me how observant I can be (Sorry, now I am flattering myself; Bad me!). But yeah, I am not at all pleased with the prejudice remarks. I tried to dissuade him from that line of thought - but I also don’t believe it automatically disqualifies him from friendship. And here I was thinking I was a misanthrope…now it turns out that I am an unrealistic optimistic. Oh Gorgonzola… ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2009, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/32 "2009-06-21T00:40:38Z")
> [@Other\_Dreams](#): > > **Fervour** > > You make some very good points. I don’t want to listen to them, because I want to be friends with him, but now that you have brought them up I am going to have to consider them. Bah. I don’t think you really want to be friends with him. I think you have a hopeless crush on him and that this “friendship” will just be a justification for spending time with him and making yourself miserable. I tell you this because I have been there, and I learned the hard way that it isn’t fun and it isn’t smart. This doesn’t sound like a guy who’d deal well with the realization that you had the hots for him when you first met, and even if he never suspects a thing then _you_ don’t sound like you’re really going to be happy just hanging out with this guy as a buddy. You need to be brutally honest with yourself about your motivations here. My own brutally honest advice to you, and what I wish someone had said to me a couple of times in the past, would be to let this one go. Sure, say hi to him when you see him, but don’t make any special effort to spend time together. Do not try to be a particular friend of his. Remember that this guy is an ACQUAINTANCE, not your new best friend or your soul mate or something. No more of this following him around, jumping up when he calls, and hanging onto his every word. Definitely do not start meeting him “accidentally-on-purpose”, like “Oh, what a funny coincidence, I had no idea you’d be coming out of this classroom at exactly this time…” Just cool it, and find something else to focus your mind on. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2009, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/33 "2009-06-21T01:24:36Z")
[ignore this post as well. Don’t ask.] ---
**Author:** ![Other\_Dreams](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Other\_Dreams](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Other_Dreams)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2009, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/34 "2009-06-21T01:25:18Z")
You’re right. I am usually pretty good at being brutally honest with myself - but obviously I have to see the brutal possibilities first in order to apply them. Thank you for being my eyes. Just…if I do that, If I avoid him…We’ll see. We’ll see. ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_Stream](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c2a13f/32.png) [@Carol\_Stream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_Stream)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2009, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/35 "2009-06-21T03:44:53Z")
[unsolicted advice]Just be yourself. If he wants to be your friend, he will. If not, it’s his loss, and he wouldn’t have been a true friend anyway.[/unsolicted advice] ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2009, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/36 "2009-06-21T05:12:32Z")
> [@Other\_Dreams](#): > > You’re right. I am usually pretty good at being brutally honest with myself - but obviously I have to see the brutal possibilities first in order to apply them. Thank you for being my eyes. > > Just…if I do that, If I avoid him…We’ll see. We’ll see. You don’t necessarily need to totally avoid him, although that might actually be easier. But be strict with yourself about not following him around or placing yourself in his path or trying to find excuses to be together. I wish I had back all the time I wasted mooning over two certain unattainable people in my past and attempting to find ways to spend more time with them without raising suspicion. It was really pathetic, but at the time it was such a big thrill to even have the chance to say “Hi, how’s it going?” to my crush! In neither case did we ever become particularly good friends, partially because neither was actually as wonderful or perfect for me as my infatuation made me think and partially because my infatuation prevented me from being much of a friend myself. If you want this guy to be something he isn’t for you, you’re going to wind up resenting him and being angry with yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Myrrajh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/87869e/32.png) [@Myrrajh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myrrajh)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2009, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/37 "2009-06-21T06:24:15Z")
[Quote=Other Dreams] He said he is a devout pentacostal man (though I have my doubts) and believes everything in the bible. If this is true, he may in fact hate what I am. [/quote] I don’t intend to hijack this thread, but I have to say that this part makes me sad. I don’t know anything about Pentacostal doctrine so I don’t really know what his reaction might be, but it bothers me that the Christian tenet of “love thy neighbor as thyself” is so quickly forgotten. I’m a Christian and I know a few men from my church (one a former SO) who are gay. Their sexuality didn’t diminish them one bit in my eyes. The only thing that changed is that I stopped wondering if I should ask them out. I’m sorry that you think he might hate you for being gay. I hope this is not the case. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2009, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/38 "2009-06-21T06:44:24Z")
[I keep logging into my friend’s account on accident and posting on her account…BAH.] ---
**Author:** ![Other\_Dreams](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Other\_Dreams](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Other_Dreams)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2009, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/39 "2009-06-21T06:45:37Z")
> [@Myrrajh](#): > > I don’t intend to hijack this thread, but I have to say that this part makes me sad. I don’t know anything about Pentacostal doctrine so I don’t really know what his reaction might be, but it bothers me that the Christian tenet of “love thy neighbor as thyself” is so quickly forgotten. > > I’m a Christian and I know a few men from my church (one a former SO) who are gay. Their sexuality didn’t diminish them one bit in my eyes. The only thing that changed is that I stopped wondering if I should ask them out. > > I’m sorry that you think he might hate you for being gay. I hope this is not the case. I don’t mean to convey anything negative about the Christian faith. I used to be a Pentecostal(before that a baptist, before that a catholic) and I had the misfortune of finding intolerant individuals in that faith. It was really the people leading the church. No seriously, it was - the pastors in both Pentecostal churches had to step down from so many complaints. I do recall that tenet, but some forget it in their desire to be what they assume God wants them to be. If that makes sense. From my experience at least, the Pentecostals in the two aforementioned churches were aggressive, in-your-face type of people, and were encouraged to be this way. But do not misunderstand me - I am **not** saying that that is true for pentecostal churches in general. (A bit too clear, admittedly…) It is good to hear of tolerant individuals in a religion. I thank you for it. ~S.P.I.~ ---
**Author:** ![Other\_Dreams](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Other\_Dreams](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Other_Dreams)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2009, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373/40 "2009-06-21T06:46:51Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > You don’t necessarily need to totally avoid him, although that might actually be easier. But be strict with yourself about not following him around or placing yourself in his path or trying to find excuses to be together. I wish I had back all the time I wasted mooning over two certain unattainable people in my past and attempting to find ways to spend more time with them without raising suspicion. It was really pathetic, but at the time it was such a big thrill to even have the chance to say “Hi, how’s it going?” to my crush! > > In neither case did we ever become particularly good friends, partially because neither was actually as wonderful or perfect for me as my infatuation made me think and partially because my infatuation prevented me from being much of a friend myself. If you want this guy to be something he isn’t for you, you’re going to wind up resenting him and being angry with yourself. Alright, sounds good. I can’t thank you enough! (And all of you must be sick of my appreciation by now!) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-him-my-sexuality/500373.md?page=3)