# Should I tell my boss we're trying to conceive? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2010, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659 "2010-07-14T14:43:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/21 "2010-07-14T15:34:14Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I would say no, except for the fact that you want to keep taking time off from the job to go do this. That makes it his business. If you’re going to keep splitting on the job for days at a time, you need to tell them why (and I’m sorry, but hiding behind something like “medical issues” is weaselly. It’s not like they aren’t going to figure it out eventually anyway, and then you’ll just look sneaky). > > If you have insurance through the company, regular disappearances for “medical issues” is also going to be a concern. You can’t expect to take that much time off from work and keep the reasons covered up. I think you have to be honest. I disagree. What if she had AIDS and wanted to keep it a secret? No one would doubt her right to maintain her privacy about that. There are LOTS of “non-weaselly” reasons for wanting to keep medical issues vague. Honest to god, I prefer it if people do–no one needs to know she’s not at work because she’s got an ultrasound wand up her vagina. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/22 "2010-07-14T15:36:05Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Don’t most people appreciate honesty and openness? What kind of an Ebeneezer boss would give anyone a hard time about trying to have a family. Holy shit. In social settings, yes, honesty and openness (to a degree) is appreciated. In a business setting, everyone has their own agenda. Bosses are not your friends, and shouldn’t be treated as such. IMO, it’s common sense to protect your own interests in these situations. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/23 "2010-07-14T15:43:17Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I would say no, except for the fact that you want to keep taking time off from the job to go do this. That makes it his business. If you’re going to keep splitting on the job for days at a time, you need to tell them why (and I’m sorry, but hiding behind something like “medical issues” is weaselly. It’s not like they aren’t going to figure it out eventually anyway, and then you’ll just look sneaky). > > If you have insurance through the company, regular disappearances for “medical issues” is also going to be a concern. You can’t expect to take that much time off from work and keep the reasons covered up. I think you have to be honest. It is his business insofar as he deserves \*some \*explanation. The explanation is “minor medical issues.” Just because he’s your boss does not mean you have to make your life an open book. You have rights to privacy and you should draw the line in the sand as to how much you are willing to disclose. Maintaining your privacy is not weaselly. Using some pretext to fire people when they disclose potential pregnancies is weaselly. Which side of weaselly would you rather be on? Either you can be “weaselly” by maintaining your privacy or you can allow him the opportunity to be weaselly by firing you on a pretext, which will also have the side effect of making it harder for you to get unemployment insurance benefits. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/24 "2010-07-14T15:46:31Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I disagree. What if she had AIDS and wanted to keep it a secret? No one would doubt her right to maintain her privacy about that. There are LOTS of “non-weaselly” reasons for wanting to keep medical issues vague. Honest to god, I prefer it if people do–no one needs to know she’s not at work because she’s got an ultrasound wand up her vagina. Her privacy is neither here nor there. She says she wants to take “several days a month” off from work. She can’t just expect to be able to request that without giving a reason why. That’s going to cost them a lot of productivity. It IS their business. If she didn’t have to take time off from work, I would say not to tell them. Being absent from work for “several days a month” requires an explanation, though, and not a weaselly one either. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/25 "2010-07-14T15:48:04Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Sure, but why even do this? Don’t most people appreciate honesty and openness? What kind of an Ebeneezer boss would give anyone a hard time about trying to have a family. Holy shit. Dude, I was fired for going to chemo, by a boss that I (obviously) trusted enough to let him know what was going on. Being out of the office every other Friday wasn’t really optional unless I wanted to die. I told him exactly what was going on, what I was told to expect, and was in the office every day aside from chemo days. He told me in so many words that he wasn’t going to penalize me for being sick, and wasn’t even going to keep track of my sick days. I was fired for “not spending enough time in the office.” He did it because he knew the business was too small to fall under FMLA, so he could get away with it. Couldn’t find a lawyer to take it. So, HELL NO, I don’t tell anyone I may work with in corporate America my personal business. They don’t need to know, and telling them will probably bite me in the ass, whether it’s legal/ethical or not. Your boss is not your friend, even if he spends an awful lot of time claiming that he is. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/26 "2010-07-14T15:51:34Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > It is his business insofar as he deserves \*some \*explanation. The explanation is “minor medical issues.” That would be a lie. She doesn’t have any medical issues. Trying to get pregnant is not a medical issue, and “minor medical issues” don’t require several days off from work every month. The company is going to have to consider whether she’s worth keeping on if she can’t show up for work every day. ---
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/27 "2010-07-14T15:55:58Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > That would be a lie. She doesn’t have any medical issues. Trying to get pregnant is not a medical issue, and “minor medical issues” don’t require several days off from work every month. The company is going to have to consider whether she’s worth keeping on if she can’t show up for work every day. Well, I don’t know that I’d say it isn’t a medical issue. I have unexplained infertility, a diagnosis of a medical issue, and am getting treatment for it. Don’t forget I’m in Canada (Alberta) and things are a bit different here. I’m slightly more protected from being fired for a situation like this. Also, I thinking about it, I will be able to get non-specific doctor’s notes for my absences as well. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/28 "2010-07-14T15:56:00Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Dude, I was fired for going to chemo, by a boss that I (obviously) trusted enough to let him know what was going on. Being out of the office every other Friday wasn’t really optional unless I wanted to die. I told him exactly what was going on, what I was told to expect, and was in the office every day aside from chemo days. He told me in so many words that he wasn’t going to penalize me for being sick, and wasn’t even going to keep track of my sick days. I was fired for “not spending enough time in the office.” He did it because he knew the business was too small to fall under FMLA, so he could get away with it. Couldn’t find a lawyer to take it. > > So, HELL NO, I don’t tell anyone I may work with in corporate America my personal business. They don’t need to know, and telling them will probably bite me in the ass, whether it’s legal/ethical or not. Your boss is not your friend, even if he spends an awful lot of time claiming that he is. Proof again that your social systems and health care are fucked in the U.S. The OP is in Alberta. ETA: Yeah, what **EmAnJ** just typed. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/29 "2010-07-14T15:58:08Z")
Any chance you can cut down how much time you spend at these destination weddings to reclaim a few days off? That would mean less on-the-job stress. ---
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/30 "2010-07-14T16:00:38Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > Any chance you can cut down how much time you spend at these destination weddings to reclaim a few days off? That would mean less on-the-job stress. No, unfortunately, I already looked in to it. I don’t think I’ll be saying anything to my boss about this, but I may discuss the situation with an HR friend of mine and see what she has to say about it. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/31 "2010-07-14T16:02:40Z")
> [@EmAnJ](#): > > Well, I don’t know that I’d say it isn’t a medical issue. I have unexplained infertility, a diagnosis of a medical issue, and am getting treatment for it. I can’t get pregnant either, do I have a medical issue? Infertility is not a medical issue in the sense that it’s not a health issue. With all due respect, you don’t HAVE to conceive, you just want to. Your treatments are not a medical necessity, they are elective. > [@](#): > > Don’t forget I’m in Canada (Alberta) and things are a bit different here. I’m slightly more protected from being fired for a situation like this. This is one of the reasons I think you should be honest. BECAUSE yoiu have those protections. I don’t think you should give them any kind of opportunity or loophole to accuse you of dishonesty or deception. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/32 "2010-07-14T16:03:24Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > That would be a lie. She doesn’t have any medical issues. Trying to get pregnant is not a medical issue, and “minor medical issues” don’t require several days off from work every month. The company is going to have to consider whether she’s worth keeping on if she can’t show up for work every day. How is this not a medical issue? If she were a man, and had erectile disfunction, and had to miss work a couple days a month for a couple months to fix it, would you say that wasn’t a medical issue? ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/33 "2010-07-14T16:08:16Z")
You should only tell your boss if you require his assistance in the process. Otherwise, I’m in the hell no camp. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/34 "2010-07-14T16:10:47Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > How is this not a medical issue? If she were a man, and had erectile disfunction, and had to miss work a couple days a month for a couple months to fix it, would you say that wasn’t a medical issue? You’re damn right I would. I’d be a lot LESS sympathetic. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/35 "2010-07-14T16:12:35Z")
> [@BobLibDem](#): > > You should only tell your boss if you require his assistance in the process. Which she does, because she wants him to give time off. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/36 "2010-07-14T16:13:13Z")
Since you are in Canada I would look for advice from other Canadians, since laws differ, etc. But that said … > [@](#): > > Before reading the post, my reaction was “hell, no.” After reading the post, my reaction is “HELL, NO!” Pretty much. Unless maybe its really a take-it or leave-it job, and then you probably wouldn’t be asking. > [@EmAnJ](#): > > I have weddings this September and October, two of which are destination weddings. One is my sister’s, the other is my sister-in-law, so it’s not like I can skip them. These two trips will take up all of my vacation time, so no, I will not be using vacation time for these appointments. Not that is what you asked but I would skip the SIL wedding and send my SO on his own. I might skip the sibling wedding too. I wouldn’t risk my job to go to a wedding (again, unless I really didn’t give a shit). Funeral or family illness, maybe, but not a wedding. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/37 "2010-07-14T16:13:17Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > You’re damn right I would. So anything that doesn’t kill you is “elective”? I know 5-6 people who missed 6 weeks of work with rotator cuff surgery. They could use their arms, they just had very limited range of motion if they wanted to avoid pain. Is that elective? How is it different? ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/38 "2010-07-14T16:16:29Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > So anything that doesn’t kill you is “elective”? I know 5-6 people who missed 6 weeks of work with rotator cuff surgery. They could use their arms, they just had very limited range of motion if they wanted to avoid pain. Is that elective? How is it different? And what did they tell their bosses? That they had to miss six weeks because of an undisclosed medical situation. I bet not. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/39 "2010-07-14T16:16:39Z")
> [@sugar\_and\_spice](#): > > Since you are in Canada I would look for advice from other Canadians, since laws differ, etc. But that said … > > Pretty much. Unless maybe its really a take-it or leave-it job, and then you probably wouldn’t be asking. > > Not that is what you asked but I would skip the SIL wedding and send my SO on his own. I might skip the sibling wedding too. I wouldn’t risk my job to go to a wedding (again, unless I really didn’t give a shit). Funeral or family illness, maybe, but not a wedding. Second this. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/40 "2010-07-14T16:17:47Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Yeah, you never want to actually tell your boss the truth lest you reveal yourself as a human being. You should always lie and avert the real truth at all costs. Then, when he finds out you’re pregnant, **and then finds out the reason for all the time off** , you can tell him you lied to him all along because you didn’t trust him with the truth. > > Good plan. > > ETA: What kind of fuckwads do you people work for? Bolding mine. Why would the boss find out? If the OP didn’t say anything, the circumstances surrounding conception would remain private … as they should be for _any_ birth, ferchrissakes. As far as your ETA question - a quick poke around the BBQ pit might be illuminating. (There’s a reason the “Dilbert” comic strips have such longevity.) You may consider yourself a lucky human if the idea of working for someone who’d stab you in the back is so foreign that it wouldn’t occur to you that it might happen to others. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659.md?page=3)