# Should I tell my boss we're trying to conceive? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2010, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659 "2010-07-14T14:43:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/41 "2010-07-14T16:19:31Z")
> [@sugar\_and\_spice](#): > > Since you are in Canada I would look for advice from other Canadians, since laws differ, etc. But that said … > > Pretty much. Unless maybe its really a take-it or leave-it job, and then you probably wouldn’t be asking. > > Not that is what you asked but I would skip the SIL wedding and send my SO on his own. I might skip the sibling wedding too. I wouldn’t risk my job to go to a wedding (again, unless I really didn’t give a shit). Funeral or family illness, maybe, but not a wedding. Eh, I’m kind of trapped in this one. I would not miss my sister’s wedding (I’m the MOH as well), and the trip for my SIL’s wedding is already paid for, although I can’t recall if we bought cancellation insurance. If we did, I’ll be cancelling the trip. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/42 "2010-07-14T16:21:08Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > So anything that doesn’t kill you is “elective”? I know 5-6 people who missed 6 weeks of work with rotator cuff surgery. They could use their arms, they just had very limited range of motion if they wanted to avoid pain. Is that elective? How is it different? Impotency and infertility do not cause any pain or discomfort or present any health risks. Getting treatment for impotence is like getting hair plugs or breast implants. It’s just vanity, not necessity. I understand the emotional drive behind wanting a baby. It’s not as frivolous as expecting time off to treat a limp dick, but it’s still not a medical necessity either. It doesn’t deserve to be compared to getting chemo. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/43 "2010-07-14T16:22:27Z")
By the way, what “treatments” are there for impotence that would cause somebody to have to regularly miss work anyway? They just give you Viagra, don’t they? ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/44 "2010-07-14T16:23:00Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I can’t get pregnant either, do I have a medical issue? Infertility is not a medical issue in the sense that it’s not a health issue. With all due respect, you don’t HAVE to conceive, you just want to. Your treatments are not a medical necessity, they are elective. Medical issues are medical issues regardless of how small or whether they are elective. Going to see a doctor for a wart on your finger is a medical issue. Going to a check up to get the retainer for your teeth adjusted after having braces is a medical issue. Going to a doctor for a breast enhancement consultation is a medical issue. Infertility diagnosis & treatment is a medical issue for both men & women. If a man’s sperm count is too low, it’s a medical issue. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/45 "2010-07-14T16:26:34Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Bolding mine. > > Why would the boss find out? Because, presumably, he’s got enough brain cells to put two and two together. It would be pretty obvious, especially when all the mysterious monthly “medical treatments” suddenly stopped the second she got pregnant. This is what I was trying to point out in the first post. I think there’s a better than even chance he’s going to find out or figure it out anyway, and being upfront now avoids ugliness later. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/46 "2010-07-14T16:29:04Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > This is what I was trying to point out in the first post. I think there’s a better than even chance he’s going to find out or figure it out anyway, and being upfront now avoids ugliness later. Sure, he’ll know eventually. Meanwhile, he’s got that much more time and opportunity to conjure up a pretext for discrimination. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/47 "2010-07-14T16:30:37Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > Medical issues are medical issues regardless of how small or whether they are elective. > > Going to see a doctor for a wart on your finger is a medical issue. > > Going to a check up to get the retainer for your teeth adjusted after having braces is a medical issue. > > Going to a doctor for a breast enhancement consultation is a medical issue. > > Infertility diagnosis & treatment is a medical issue for both men & women. If a man’s sperm count is too low, it’s a medical issue. I disagree. What can I say? I think of “medical issues” as issues pertaining directly to physical health, not to cosmetic concerns, sexual performance, or fertility. In my opinion, if it doesn’t hurt and it’s not going to kill you, it’s not an issue. Your mileage may vary. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/48 "2010-07-14T16:32:07Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > Sure, he’ll know eventually. Meanwhile, he’s got that much more time and opportunity to conjure up a pretext for discrimination. It will be easier for him to do that if she isn’t honest with him. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/49 "2010-07-14T16:32:10Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I disagree. What can I say? I think of “medical issues” as issues pertaining directly to physical health, not to cosmetic concerns, sexual performance, or fertility. In my opinion, if it doesn’t hurt and it’s not going to kill you, it’s not an issue. Your mileage may vary. If those weren’t medical issues, then you wouldn’t need to be a doctor to treat them. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/50 "2010-07-14T16:32:57Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > Sure, he’ll know eventually. Meanwhile, he’s got that much more time and opportunity to conjure up a pretext for discrimination. What a strange and unfamiliar picture you paint of work life with, you know, fellow human beings. If my work environment were ever like that I’d be finding a way to get the hell out immediately. Surely this kind of back-stabbing bullshit can’t be considered the norm, can it? ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/51 "2010-07-14T16:37:37Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > What a strange and unfamiliar picture you paint of work life with, you know, fellow human beings. If my work environment were ever like that I’d be finding a way to get the hell out immediately. Surely this kind of back-stabbing bullshit can’t be considered the norm, can it? Why do so many fellow human beings end up in court together if everyone is always so reasonable and peachy? This is especially troubling in this case given the mixed messages from the boss. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/52 "2010-07-14T16:55:08Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I disagree. What can I say? I think of “medical issues” as issues pertaining directly to physical health, not to cosmetic concerns, sexual performance, or fertility. In my opinion, if it doesn’t hurt and it’s not going to kill you, it’s not an issue. Your mileage may vary. Eh. I might even agree with you. However, it’s the company’s sick time she’s using, and therefore it doesn’t matter what you think or what I think, it matters what (legally) her company thinks. I suspect that in fact they are bound to treat it as a medical issue (my insurance does, I believe, and I’m pretty certain my company does). ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/53 "2010-07-14T17:08:23Z")
Like everything else at work it depends on a combination of how well you are doing on the job and how solid you are with the boss. When I started my last job, the first thing they told us in orientation was that our priorities should be our family, then the company. But nine years later, when I was going through some rough times (transfer to bad assignment that I really couldn’t do), AND I had various family members falling ill, undergoing major surgery, and needing emergency runs to the odontologist for which only I was available, it was made clear to me that my substandard performance compromised any privilege I might claim to deal with these issues. I dealt with them anyway, and was kicked out, just in time for the financial collapse. My best advice to the OP is to tell them you are an advanced form of human replicant who has no need to do anything other than work. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/54 "2010-07-14T17:12:36Z")
I’m also in Alberta (Calgary, in fact) and my vote goes to Hell, NO! It’s none of his business - you’re entitled to take time off for sick leave, which is what this is. Also, don’t worry about canceling your weddings - when you get pregnant, if you do start to feel crap at the end of your pregnancy (god knows I do), you’re entitled to take time off through EI which you’re compensated for on top of your 52 weeks of Maternity and Parental leave. I believe you can have up to an additional 16 weeks of sick leave covered under EI (but you’ll have to check the number for sure). **Leaffan** I agree that it would be nice to be able to tell your boss this type of thing - when I was early pregnant I missed a _LOT_ of work due to illness - I wound up telling my boss much earlier than I had planned on because I was worried that he would think I was a bloody alcoholic calling in sick and puking all the time (FWIW, he already knew - he’s an anatomist and I guess it was pretty obvious to him). However, my boss has also always made it very clear that family comes first and women need to be able to start a family without fear of retribution, etc. I think in the OPs case, she’s getting really mixed messages from her boss and while on one hand he’s saying he’s supportive, on the other hand he’s trying to come up with way’s to fire pregnant women. I think it this case it’s better for her to keep her lip zipped particularly since it may take a bit of time to get pregnant and she’ll want to have her job during that time. It would be particularly easy to come up with a reason to fire someone if they _WERN’T_ pregnant - moreso than if they were. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/55 "2010-07-14T17:25:29Z")
It’s almost always better to mind your own business at work. Tell your boss and H/R you’re having a MINOR medical procedure that requires your absence. You may need to get a note from your physican to satisfy H/R but that should be easy. If your boss get’s too nosy say “Well you know…It’s well…Women stuff.” That shuts men up pretty fast ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/56 "2010-07-14T19:24:52Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Sure, but why even do this? Don’t most people appreciate honesty and openness? Your boss will appreciate your honesty and openness because now you volunteered facts that cause him to realize your situation may cut into the bottom line of the company, and he can start scouring your work records for flaws and scheming immediately for your departure. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/57 "2010-07-14T19:31:03Z")
My advice is to be extremely selective about who you discuss fertility treatments with. Even family and close friends can become really quite obnoxious, no matter how well-meaning. If it becomes necessary, provide HR with a doctor’s note explaining the necessity of gyncological treatment and leave it at that. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/58 "2010-07-14T19:54:49Z")
Jeeze, TWO threads today where I’m on **Dio** ’s side. Very, very unusual. Dr. House’s solution would be for you to tell him you’re dealing with a small abdominal growth. Just don’t tell him you are trying to get it, not get rid of it. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/59 "2010-07-14T20:05:33Z")
I think it’s plenty to tell him that you’re having some gyno treatments done. ---
**Author:** ![vertizontal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/ad7895/32.png) [@vertizontal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vertizontal)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/60 "2010-07-14T20:38:09Z")
It is absolutely not a lie to say you need to go in for some medical procedures and regular testing beyond that. When telling him, also mention what you might do to make your absence less of a hardship for them (since I don’t know what you do, I don’t know what those things might be - perhaps work more hours on other days, etc). If he asks what the procedures are, just shrug and say it’s not a life-threatening issue, but it’s kinda personal and you’d rather just discuss it with your doctor. Also, try to minimize the time off for the weddings. Maybe just attend the weddings and return right away. If your boss is being a jerk about the whole thing, just act professionally and keep your appointments anyway. Having a child is a much more important deal to your life than appeasing some jerk boss. > [@](#): > > What kind of an Ebeneezer boss would give anyone a hard time about trying to have a family… When my wife and I were in the process of adoption, we needed a form signed by my employer verifying my length of employment at my current company (12 years). It was a small company, and my boss was the owner. He called me into his office and was furious, yelling “I don’t think I want to sign it!”. He would only sign it by adding a note that indicated that he could fire me at any time. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659.md?page=4)