# Should I tell my boss we're trying to conceive? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2010, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659 "2010-07-14T14:43:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![LavenderBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e95f7d/32.png) [@LavenderBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderBlue)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/61 "2010-07-14T20:40:44Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I can’t get pregnant either, do I have a medical issue? Infertility is not a medical issue in the sense that it’s not a health issue. With all due respect, you don’t HAVE to conceive, you just want to. Your treatments are not a medical necessity, they are elective. > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Impotency and infertility do not cause any pain or discomfort or present any health risks. Getting treatment for impotence is like getting hair plugs or breast implants. It’s just vanity, not necessity. Both of these assertions are untrue. Many times infertility is caused by underlying medical issues that need to be treated. A woman may have polycystic ovarian syndrome where she faces all kinds of increased health risks including weight gain and heart disease. A woman may also have premature ovarian failure, a failure of the ovaries that puts her at increased risks of all kinds of medical conditions including osteoporosis. Treatment for PCOS or POF is necessary and warranted. Without treatment for PCOS a woman may not ovulate causing all kinds of gynecological problems including cancer. Without treatment for POF a woman may face increased risks of bone fractures. You can’t possibly stick them in the same realm as a vain old man wanting more hair or someone shoving silicone into her chest. Infertility is a devastating condition with all kinds of terrible pyschological ramifications. Blythly dismissing the true pain that many couples feel when facing this problem is unfair, inappropropriate, inaccurate and frankly ignorant. ---
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/62 "2010-07-14T21:01:28Z")
> [@LavenderBlue](#): > > Both of these assertions are untrue. > > Many times infertility is caused by underlying medical issues that need to be treated. A woman may have polycystic ovarian syndrome where she faces all kinds of increased health risks including weight gain and heart disease. A woman may also have premature ovarian failure, a failure of the ovaries that puts her at increased risks of all kinds of medical conditions including osteoporosis. > > Treatment for PCOS or POF is necessary and warranted. Without treatment for PCOS a woman may not ovulate causing all kinds of gynecological problems including cancer. Without treatment for POF a woman may face increased risks of bone fractures. > > You can’t possibly stick them in the same realm as a vain old man wanting more hair or someone shoving silicone into her chest. > > Infertility is a devastating condition with all kinds of terrible pyschological ramifications. Blythly dismissing the true pain that many couples feel when facing this problem is unfair, inappropropriate, inaccurate and frankly ignorant. Thanks for this post. 🙂 To say this whole ordeal has affected me psychologically and perhaps physically is an understatement. ---
**Author:** ![boozilu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4da419/32.png) [@boozilu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boozilu)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/63 "2010-07-14T21:24:41Z")
I was in the same situation as the OP. My boss was super-nice, family-oriented, had four kids, very involved father, etc. I told him NOTHING! Once people know you are trying to conceive, they have nothing but unsolicited advice and/or sympathy, neither of which you need. Or even worse, bad jokes. I was able to make up the time by adjusting my work schedule, saying I had personal appointments, medical tests, etc. None of it a lie, but none of it very revealing. After we were successful, I let my boss know right away so we could plan how the business would be affected by my maternity leave. Good luck to the OP – I hope you get as lucky as we did with our two beautiful kids, both made possible through the miracle of modern science. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/64 "2010-07-15T01:48:14Z")
Yes. Good luck. Lie to your boss. Be as deceitful as possible. Keep the truth from him. This is obviously a good way to build team spirit and confidence in your future abilities as an employee. Make sure you don’t disclose anything personal, lest you be viewed as a human being. Let us know how it all works out, 'kay? Christ. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/65 "2010-07-15T02:07:52Z")
How will this effect your co-workers? When I went through IUI, the days I would go to the clinic were random and last minute (my cycle is not regular). In my case, telling my boss was a good thing. He and his wife went through it and were very supportive. The only reason I ask about the co-workers is because you say a couple of days a month (I’m assuming consecutive?) and possibly last minute planning… Grumbly co-workers might make working there difficult. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/66 "2010-07-15T02:13:05Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Yes. Good luck. Lie to your boss. Be as deceitful as possible. Keep the truth from him. No one has advocated lying to the boss. Just to keep personal issues that could affect your employment personal. Telling the boss you have a medical issue that needs to be dealt with is honest, open, and professional. My boss deserves that but not additional information unless I decide to share it. > [@](#): > > Let us know how it all works out, 'kay? Others have pointed out instances where being forthcoming about personal details has bit them in the ass. You may want to have a workplace where everyone is on a friendly personal basis but the fact is that not all workplaces are like that and bosses generally look out for their bottom line, which isn’t necessarily in your best interests. ---
**Author:** ![Apricot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bcef8e/32.png) [@Apricot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apricot)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/67 "2010-07-15T02:52:59Z")
As a midwife I often suggest dental appointments for the cover needed to keep prenatal appointments secret from work. Not exactly honest, but… I wouldn’t tell. Nope. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/68 "2010-07-15T03:08:38Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Proof again that your social systems and health care are fucked in the U.S. The OP is in Alberta. No argument from me there. I still wouldn’t get specific about my appointments, because your boss is still not your friend, an awful lot of people will do the shitty thing even if it’s illegal, and pursuing some sort of recourse eats up a hell of a lot of time, money, and emotional energy. It could drag through the courts for years. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/69 "2010-07-15T03:20:36Z")
Really this is stupid. Your boss is going to figure out your pregnent anyway once you start to show. I’m not saying you should be totally out in the open about every health thing, but your boss is going to want to prepare for the OP going on maternity leave. > [@Leaffan](#): > > Yes. Good luck. Lie to your boss. Be as deceitful as possible. Keep the truth from him. This is obviously a good way to build team spirit and confidence in your future abilities as an employee. Make sure you don’t disclose anything personal, lest you be viewed as a human being. > > Let us know how it all works out, 'kay? > > Christ. I think that you’ll find that many, if not most people on this board have a very adversarial relationship with their work. They refer to their peers derisively as cow-workers. They routinely state they “only work for the money”, although I suspect most don’t actually make that much. And to their credit, their work environments actually do sound pretty shitty and petty. I think the concept of having a positive professional relationship with their boss is a pretty foreign concept. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/70 "2010-07-15T03:36:48Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Really this is stupid. Your boss is going to figure out your pregnent anyway once you start to show. I’m not saying you should be totally out in the open about every health thing, but your boss is going to want to prepare for the OP going on maternity leave. You do realize that it could take months or years to even get pregnant, right? Or that it may just never happen at all? (Sorry, to Em, I know that’s pretty harsh to read when you’re dealing with that.) She may _never need_ maternity leave. She certainly won’t need it right away. In the meantime, presumably she needs her income. > [@Telemark](#): > > No one has advocated lying to the boss. Just to keep personal issues that could affect your employment personal. Telling the boss you have a medical issue that needs to be dealt with is honest, open, and professional. My boss deserves that but not additional information unless I decide to share it. Hey, you know, I never told my boss when I started dating someone, or when he dumped me. Apparently I need to be telling my boss all this personal shit. I guess I should tell boss how many times a week I have sex, too, right? I’m certainly more productive when I’m happy, and sex makes me happy. I mean, it’s personal, but it makes me a **human being** to talk about completely unprofessional, intimate personal details of my private life at work, right? There is a whoooole wide range of options between telling deliberate falsehoods and spilling every last thing that happens to you or pops into your head. Truthful but vague (“I have a personal appointment”) is the way to go. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/71 "2010-07-15T03:38:07Z")
I am also in Calgary, and I think your first step should be discussing it with your HR friend, and your second step is probably sitting down and having a real conversation with your boss since you’re going to need to make arrangements for time off. I don’t normally advocate for letting your employer or co-workers know _anything_ personal, but my gut tells me in this case you’d be better off to approach him honestly right from the start. Perhaps one of the first people to talk to is also an employment lawyer - maybe getting some advice on how to protect yourself from a retaliatory firing before you tell him anything might be a good idea. ---
**Author:** ![cherry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cherry)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/72 "2010-07-15T05:32:13Z")
Having done an ivf cycle you do go in every other day for testing while your being monitored before you take the trigger drug then you go in about two days later for the transfer then you wait. I went on bedrest after the transfer for a week but you don’t have to. What I’m trying to say is that if you do cycle there are a lot of visits for ultrasounds to monitor how you are responding to your protocol. And you live far away from your clinic so take that into account. I would not tell if you can but a cycle sort of requires a lot of time for about a couple of weeks. Use up all your sick leave days I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/73 "2010-07-16T04:42:26Z")
I am also in Canada, and I say NO! with a caveat - do it in an email so you have proof I told my boss when I found out I was pregnant. I told him because my job required me at times to load up some heavy boxes and stuff and I wanted him to know why I wasn’t going to be able to do it. About three weeks later, HR came to him and said that with the downturn in the economy, they were going to need to cut one of his staff. It ws between me and another woman. Guess which one got the axe? I had no proof of anything, since I had trusted him. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/74 "2010-07-16T09:50:05Z")
Some bosses are still under the impression that pregnant women will want to quit their jobs and be a housewife as soon as the kiddo squirts out. So, while they may not try to fire a pregnant woman, they may/can/do other things, like cut workload, give bigger and better assignments to others (even if they’re less qualified) give out bigger raises to non-pregnant coworkers, things like that. I took a day off yesterday, just for the hell of it. I didn’t feel like explaining that I was feeling depressed and wanted my mommy (seriously) so I just said I wanted the day off, and that was it. Went to mom’s house, had fun, blah blah. My boss is great (much better than my last one) and we get along great, but it’s none of her fucking business what I do on my time off. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/75 "2010-07-16T15:46:04Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I am also in Calgary, and I think your first step should be discussing it with your HR friend, and your second step is probably sitting down and having a real conversation with your boss since you’re going to need to make arrangements for time off. . . Not necessarily, as \*\*Kaio \*\*already pointed out. Nobody makes maternity leave arrangements until they have actually peed on the little stick. The OP isn’t there yet, not by a long shot. I hope I’m not going too far if I respectfully suggest the OP ignore \*\*Leaffan’s \*\*comments. Some of us have a little bit of experience with real-world corporations and how they deal with reality. Idealism is great and all, but the OP needs \*reality \*right now, not how things should be. There’s a huge gray area between “lying” and “telling the entire truth” and the OP is asking for help navigating that gray area. (Or grey area, depending on your location.) ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/76 "2010-07-16T16:08:46Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Not necessarily, as \*\*Kaio \*\*already pointed out. Nobody makes maternity leave arrangements until they have actually peed on the little stick. The OP isn’t there yet, not by a long shot. And most sensible people don’t tell anyone outside of immediate family about a pregnancy until they get through the first trimester anyway. Miscarriages are common enough, no need to jump through hoops only to have to go back a month later and say “nevermind.” Six months is plenty of time to make arrangements for leave. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/77 "2010-07-16T16:14:53Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Not necessarily, as \*\*Kaio \*\*already pointed out. Nobody makes maternity leave arrangements until they have actually peed on the little stick. The OP isn’t there yet, not by a long shot. > > I hope I’m not going too far if I respectfully suggest the OP ignore \*\*Leaffan’s \*\*comments. Some of us have a little bit of experience with real-world corporations and how they deal with reality. Idealism is great and all, but the OP needs \*reality \*right now, not how things should be. There’s a huge gray area between “lying” and “telling the entire truth” and the OP is asking for help navigating that gray area. (Or grey area, depending on your location.) Yes. My 24 years working for corporations means little. You’re right. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/78 "2010-07-16T16:34:40Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > And most sensible people don’t tell anyone outside of immediate family about a pregnancy until they get through the first trimester anyway. Miscarriages are common enough, no need to jump through hoops only to have to go back a month later and say “nevermind.” Six months is plenty of time to make arrangements for leave. Ooooh, I forgot about that aspect. ☹ **Leaffan** , I said what I said because there’s been a pretty clear and near-unaminous consensus so far that nothing needs to be said to the boss before the OP is even pregnant in the 1st damn place. Secondly, your posts come across as very “Kumbah-yah, let’s all hold hands and be friends” and there are enough folks here who have been burned, badly, by the corporate world to make that attitude come across as naive and unrealistic to some of the rest of us. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/79 "2010-07-16T17:02:15Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Ooooh, I forgot about that aspect. ☹ > > **Leaffan** , I said what I said because there’s been a pretty clear and near-unaminous consensus so far that nothing needs to be said to the boss before the OP is even pregnant in the 1st damn place. Secondly, your posts come across as very “Kumbah-yah, let’s all hold hands and be friends” and there are enough folks here who have been burned, badly, by the corporate world to make that attitude come across as naive and unrealistic to some of the rest of us. Nope. I realize that nothing _ **needs** _ to be said. And there’s no sense conflating actual pregnancy with trying to get pregnant. Of course you don’t tell people you’re pregnant until after the first trimester, but that’s not what we’re talking about. What we’re talking about is the need to suddenly start spending a few days a month away from work without stating why. I completely get it that it’s none of the boss’ business. But do you really think the boss will give a shit either way if it comes time to lay someone off, and all things being equal, you have one employee taking way more unexplained time off than another? So, my position is that you may as well be truthful about it. If I was the boss I would appreciate the truth rather than having to guess what the hell is wrong with one of my employees. I guess we’re going to have to respectfully disagree. That’s why this is an opinion forum after all. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659/80 "2010-07-16T17:10:15Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > But do you really think the boss will give a shit either way if it comes time to lay someone off, and all things being equal, you have one employee taking way more unexplained time off than another? Yes, yes I do. There are several examples posted in this thread where it has made a difference. I understand that you haven’t experienced that but many people have and you seem to be ignoring that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-boss-were-trying-to-conceive/546659.md?page=5)