# Should I tell my daughter to slap this boy? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 29, 2010, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166 "2010-03-29T01:35:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Weedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weedy/32/301_2.png) [@Weedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weedy)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 10:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/61 "2010-03-30T10:56:31Z")
That’s interesting, **Mame**. In primary school, my kids learnt there was no point going to the teacher, as they would just be told to avoid the other person and play somewhere else. Maybe that’s a difference between high school and primary. There is a year advisor at the high school. Might be good to remember for next time. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/62 "2010-03-30T12:46:28Z")
> [@Weedy](#): > > Thanks for the replies. I do agree with what everyone is saying. I just don’t know how to say to her “be confident and stand up for yourself, but by the way your judgment on how to handle this is way off.” One message seems to undermine the other. I’m a bit worried that you cannot see that the messages do NOT undermine each other. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/63 "2010-03-30T12:49:00Z")
> [@Valgard](#): > > She may be pleasantly surprised at the look on his face if she says in a very loud, confident voice “Stop teasing me!”, especially if it happens in class (as opposed to out on the playground). The boy may suddenly realize that everyone is looking at him. Are you kidding? Doing that is the worst thing she could do. Best wishes, hh ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/64 "2010-03-30T15:22:10Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > When I was twelve, if a girl slapped me, I would have slapped her back. The kid is clearly trying to save face. The girl insulted him in front of his peers, so he’s trying to shake it off and come out looking better than the girl in the eyes of his friends. And you think hitting him will stop that behavior? You’ve got to be kidding. He’ll just feel even more dissed, and probably take it out (physically) on her. If he can’t get a date with her, he’s _certainly_ not going to lose a fight to her. > > I’d call the teacher and principal. They take care of these things pretty well once parents get involved. QFT. This boy had his first experience with rejection. Hey, it sucks being rejected. It takes some time/experience/maturity to get even somewhat used to it. Confronting him by slapping? He is already humiliated…you don’t need to humiliate him further because if you do his response may be over the top. Being slapped or punched back is a possibility. Take it from a guy with long experience 🙂 Nothing is worse than being ignored by a girl you like. Now, if your daughter was your son instead, I would have a very different opinion. However, girls don’t need to be physical in response to teasing by boys. The old fashioned response of throwing a drink in his face is as far as you want to go 🙂 Just ignore him. That is the worst thing your daughter can do to him. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/65 "2010-03-30T16:43:31Z")
The boys are learning the value of sticking together in social situations. Now they need to learn how very much better girls are at this. What you need is a sleepover, and a plan for concerted action. In my neighborhood, he would first have developed the “pinkie curse.” Any teasing or obnoxiousness from him would have been met by a silent, bored, chorus of raised pinkie fingers. (Silent statement on his . . . size.) It’s a very quick, monotonous raising and walking on past with an eyeroll. If he comes out with another tease, just raise it higher with a minimum of effort and wiggle it slightly. There’s a great example in the bar scene of “Good Will Hunting.” It’s unlikely to go any further than that, but the next response would have been to move the punishment on to his backup, and anyone who laughed along or encouraged him. Eventually every boy in the school would have to declare their non-allegiance to the “Pinkie Club” in order to succeed in getting a date. If he shows signs of wanting to be back in the good graces of the female population, the girls could make a “sandwich board” stating something like “Ungentlemanly Conduct” and have it stashed near whatever hall crossing is most likely for his attacks. A large group of girls then raise the sign and place it on him, sentencing him to wear it for the day. He gets a lot of attention and perhaps even a popularity surge if he wears it, if he doesn’t, he is permanently shamed. The girls would then have the sign in abeyance for future miscreants, and threats to bring it out would hold great weight. Or not, depends on the group, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/66 "2010-03-30T16:57:28Z")
> [@Pedro](#): > > Then don’t conflate the issue with sexual harassment. He’s a child lashing out in a child-like mean-spirited way and of course he should be punished for that. Meanwhile I don’t think that the best way for the OP’s daughter to defend herself is to stoop to his level. And I stand by my suggestion that maybe she could use this to learn how to reject a boy’s advances in a more mature way. The fact that he’s become a jerk after being rejected doesn’t negate that fact, if indeed that’s how it happened (and I’m not saying it was). But how do we know that she humiliated him to begin with? I don’t think we even know that she was all that mean to him. If anything she was probably too nice based on the OP saying she was kind of meh–probably because she didn’t want to come off as a bitch. Anyway, even though I don’t think this guy is automatically a future rapist of America, I don’t think it’s simple enough to just say he’s a humiliated boy. I’d feel bad for him if that’s all he was, but since he’s going out of his way to be cruel to her and so far learning he can get away with it, he is learning a lesson that’s going to be pertinent to him in a few years. Is he going to take away that he can be a manipulative asshole to girls if they don’t do what he wants? Or is he going to learn that no matter how sad he feels, he doesn’t get to try to control other people? ---
**Author:** ![Pedro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/919ad9/32.png) [@Pedro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pedro)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/67 "2010-03-30T17:19:10Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > But how do we know that she humiliated him to begin with? I don’t think we even know that she was all that mean to him. If anything she was probably too nice based on the OP saying she was kind of meh–probably because she didn’t want to come off as a bitch. “Meh” is not very nice to me. Anyway didn’t I use the caveat that we didn’t know for sure like three times in the same sentence? At this point I give up discussing this with you. > [@](#): > > Anyway, even though I don’t think this guy is automatically a future rapist of America, I don’t think it’s simple enough to just say he’s a humiliated boy. I’d feel bad for him if that’s all he was, but since he’s going out of his way to be cruel to her and so far learning he can get away with it, he is learning a lesson that’s going to be pertinent to him in a few years. Is he going to take away that he can be a manipulative asshole to girls if they don’t do what he wants? Or is he going to learn that no matter how sad he feels, he doesn’t get to try to control other people? After the latest update (post #59), I believe I was correct in my assessment of the situation. The boy apologized of his own volition. I suggested in post #23 that she talk to him to make him reflect about his behavior and its consequences, which he seems to have done on his own. Bingo, future middleschool sweethearts. “Go suck cock” == child rapist. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/68 "2010-03-30T18:03:48Z")
It sounds like it worked out for the best. I’m glad. **Mame** , what you describe is a fantastic idea that should be adopted in the US. I think some small, very progressive schools have been able to do so, but it’s extremely difficult shifting the culture of the larger ones. ---
**Author:** ![Weedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weedy/32/301_2.png) [@Weedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weedy)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/69 "2010-03-30T22:36:26Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > I’m a bit worried that you cannot see that the messages do NOT undermine each other. How do you mean? My daughter didn’t ask me for advice on how to handle this. She decided what to do herself, but then didn’t have the nerve to do it. Next time she is in a situation where she needs to be confident and decisive, I don’t think it will help her to have a little voice in the back of her mind saying “You are probably doing this wrong. There is probably some other, better way of handling this but you don’t know what it is, so don’t do anything, or don’t do what you think you need to do, do something else, even though you don’t know what that is.” Maybe I just have too much experience with self doubt. But anyway, explain your thinking to me, **handsomeharry** , because this is the whole crux of issue as far as I’m concerned. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/70 "2010-03-30T23:04:34Z")
Sounds like it worked out well. He probably has good parents himself – and was lucky enough to develop empathy at an early age! I had a few like him in early high school, and it was clear, even to my teenage brain, that they liked me and were too stupid to know how to express it. I ratted one out when he spit gum at me (or something equally as stupid). He got detention. We remained friends. But then I went to a pretty good school with quite a few feminist teachers that were pretty respected and liked by everyone. ---
**Author:** ![Pedro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/919ad9/32.png) [@Pedro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pedro)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/71 "2010-03-30T23:22:26Z")
> [@Weedy](#): > > But anyway, explain your thinking to me, **handsomeharry** , because this is the whole crux of issue as far as I’m concerned. I believe his point is that confident people also need to be able to accept valid criticism because everyone makes mistakes. In other words constructive criticism should be analyzed, not rejected outright, by confident and insecure people alike. So there isn’t a conflict in both statements, be confident and rethink your attitude. ---
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/72 "2010-03-31T03:02:41Z")
I still have to say I’m surprised at the difference in reaction between this thread and the one I mentioned earlier. Is it because the child in question was a girl? Is _that_ a double standard (people are more willing to allow a boy to reserve the right to violence than a girl)? Or if it is, is it necessary, since, as many posters here pointed out, she probably wouldn’t have stood a chance in a physical altercation with an equally aged boy? ---
**Author:** ![Weedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weedy/32/301_2.png) [@Weedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weedy)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 9:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/73 "2010-03-31T09:31:42Z")
Maybe people see this as a different social dynamic, related to dating rather than bullying. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/74 "2010-03-31T15:59:39Z")
> [@Weedy](#): > > Just lately though, he has started teasing her, calling her a lesbian, and getting his friends to tease her too. She gets pretty upset. She told him if she didn’t stop, she would slap him. Of course he didn’t stop, so she went to slap him. She lost her nerve at the last minute and failed to make contact. The boy thought that was pretty funny, told everyone, teased her more, etc. So she has decided that she has to make good on her threat, and actually hit him. That will make everyone talk even more, but she doesn’t mind that. IMHO It sounds like a soul tie was created when/soon after He said he was interested in her, and that has been used to put her down, actually put herself in a position of submission to him and him in control. How this\* could commonly\*\*\*\* happen is if she entertained the idea of the relationship with him, fantasizing, the more she let herself go into this the stronger the soul tie, and in this instance the greater the degree of control he has over her, as this is a hint of his intentions of a relationship. (\*\*\* I’m not suggesting that this is the case, but just a common way soul ties are created and abused - so I’m going with it for this post) Your daughter is, because of those thoughts (if she had them), her idea of a relationship and his power and his idea of a relationship, a servant of his and treated as a sub-human servant as you posted. As for slapping him, if she is strong enough, that action may break the control, or if he is strong enough, put her into a position as a disobedient servant which would make things worse for her. Because she could not slap him, indicated a degree of control he has over her. What I suggest to break this depends on how this soul tie was created. If she did entertain the thoughts of such a relationship, I would suggest repenting of it to God, or if that is not going to work for her, to her current boyfriend (perhaps both), ask for forgiveness and breaking of that soul tie and the re acceptance of the soul tie to God and/or her bf. She may or may not be lead to say something to this guy in letting him know that the tie is broken, I suspect not. Good luck ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/75 "2010-03-31T16:19:42Z")
Buh? ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/76 "2010-03-31T16:35:25Z")
> [@kanicbird](#): > > IMHO It sounds like a soul tie was created when/soon after He said he was interested in her… Am I the only one who started reading this and thought “Damn, he didn’t say anything that deserved _that_ much sarcasm”? Then I realised it was **Kanicbird**. ---
**Author:** ![Hippy\_Hollow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hippy_hollow/32/4841_2.png) [@Hippy\_Hollow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hippy_Hollow)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/77 "2010-03-31T16:39:27Z")
That post made my head hurt. ---
**Author:** ![nicole1912](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9de0a6/32.png) [@nicole1912](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nicole1912)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/78 "2010-03-31T16:52:44Z")
> [@kanicbird](#): > > Your daughter is, because of those thoughts (if she had them), her idea of a relationship and his power and his idea of a relationship, a servant of his and treated as a sub-human servant as you posted. As for slapping him, if she is strong enough, that action may break the control, or if he is strong enough, put her into a position as a disobedient servant which would make things worse for her. Because she could not slap him, indicated a degree of control he has over her. > > What I suggest to break this depends on how this soul tie was created. If she did entertain the thoughts of such a relationship, I would suggest repenting of it to God, or if that is not going to work for her, to her current boyfriend (perhaps both), ask for forgiveness and breaking of that soul tie and the re acceptance of the soul tie to God and/or her bf. She may or may not be lead to say something to this guy in letting him know that the tie is broken, I suspect not. You’re aware that these are 12 year olds that you’re talking about? And that what you suggest sounds not only an… unusual way of dealing with relationships in general, but practically insane when talking about one 12 year old teasing another that he fancies in his first year of high school? Not to mention the amount of blame your suggestion puts on a 12 year old girl, whose only “fault” appears to be existing… ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/46a35a/32.png) [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_T-Bonham.net)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/79 "2010-03-31T20:53:07Z")
> [@ToeJam](#): > > I vote no on the Slap. I agree. She’s 12. Quite old enough to be taught that: [ol] [li]Boys have testicles.[/li][li]They are vulnerable to a swift kick.[/li][/ol] (Not really, I guess.) But where is the teacher when this is happening? Tell her to complain to the teacher. Or you do the complaining for her. Or complain to the principal. A letter from a lawyer will do wonders in getting a response from the school. Also, what about the other boy that she likes. Tell your daughter to talk to him about how hurt & upset the teasing from that other boy makes her, and he won’t stop no matter what she says. “If only I had a hero who would stand up for me against this bully!” Then the boy that she likes will beat up the one that is teasing her. That will probably stop or diminish the bullying, and she has a reason to keep talking to the boy that she does like. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2010, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166/80 "2010-03-31T23:39:33Z")
You do correct your daughter when she is in error, don’t you? Would you rather she had hit him & then found out how the school handles such things? > [@Weedy](#): > > How do you mean? > > My daughter didn’t ask me for advice on how to handle this. She decided what to do herself, but then didn’t have the nerve to do it. Next time she is in a situation where she needs to be confident and decisive, I don’t think it will help her to have a little voice in the back of her mind saying “You are probably doing this wrong. There is probably some other, better way of handling this but you don’t know what it is, so don’t do anything, or don’t do what you think you need to do, do something else, even though you don’t know what that is.” > > Maybe I just have too much experience with self doubt. > > But anyway, explain your thinking to me, **handsomeharry** , because this is the whole crux of issue as far as I’m concerned. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-daughter-to-slap-this-boy/534166.md?page=5)