# Should I tell my friend that she was coming on to a married man? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 30, 2014, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028 "2014-06-30T19:07:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/21 "2014-06-30T22:14:45Z")
On Saturday at a local nursery I was pushing a cart with two shrubs I’d just bought on the way out to my car. A woman who had bedding plants on her cart smiled at me and said “Yours are bigger than mine”. I’m not sure if that was a come-on or if she had shrub envy. Anyway, Mrs. J. laughed when I told her about it. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/22 "2014-06-30T22:16:11Z")
A little clarification, does SW not know that Husband is married (you said that they all know each other) or does she just not remember throwing herself at Husband? I think you should disclose all to all parties, in a joking manner. Although, I kind of feel sorry for Husband, that he’s got to bear the brunt from his Wife for just happen to be standing near drunk SW. ---
**Author:** ![Rodgers01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@Rodgers01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rodgers01)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/23 "2014-06-30T22:22:21Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > A little clarification, does SW not know that Husband is married (you said that they all know each other) or does she just not remember throwing herself at Husband? No, SW definitely knows the guy is married. She was friends with Wife before she ever even met Husband. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/24 "2014-06-30T22:23:47Z")
If SW really doesn’t remember, I would point out that she was coming on to a married man. I would also point out that the wife is crazy and SW might just want to keep her distance for awhile to let things cool down. And speaking as a married man, the proper way for (monogamous) couples to act is to tell each other and then have a good laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/25 "2014-06-30T22:24:55Z")
I voted yes, which will allow SW to apologize to the wife - and to the husband. I can see not telling when the information would make things worse, like knowledge of secret affairs. Here the Wife saw what was going on, and telling is likely to make things better. Very drunk people are harder to get rid of than sober people which could justify Husband’s actions. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/26 "2014-06-30T22:43:29Z")
If single lady were an actual friend of mine (as opposed to just a coworker) I would tell her. I wouldn’t be a dick about it, I would tell her just so SHE can decide weather or not she wants to rethink her attitude towards social settings where alcohol is being consumed. I know in my younger days there was a time or two when I blacked out in a social setting and then was later told of my shenanigans after the fact. 99% of the time it was just stuff like "ha ha, what you did was so funny last night!’ But then there was that one time I blacked out on both alcohol and other recreational drugs and what I did wasn’t funny in the least. I wound up groping a very close female friend of mine on the dance floor. Thank GOD she just shrugged it off and told me not to worry about it after she told me. But still, that shit depressed the hell out of me. I couldn’t eat for a week. And that recreational drug I spoke of, I never touched again. So yeah, as hard as that was to hear from my friend, I’m glad she told me because I’m not so sure I would have changed my behavior back so long ago. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/27 "2014-06-30T23:08:23Z")
Yeah, you should. If your friend does have a drinking problem, she may be making that apology sometime in the future… ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/28 "2014-06-30T23:29:29Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > And speaking as a married man, the proper way for (monogamous) couples to act is to tell each other and then have a good laugh. ^This +1. Wife in OP must be extremely insecure. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2014, 9:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/29 "2014-07-01T09:39:13Z")
Is it possible that Husband and Single Woman **are** having an affair/hooking up, and SW forgot to be discreet? I can see how Husband could spin it as “Of course not; she’s a drunken slut! And you’re a hysterical bitch for thinking that of me!” ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2014, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/30 "2014-07-01T09:54:38Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > On Saturday at a local nursery I was pushing a cart with two shrubs I’d just bought on the way out to my car. A woman who had bedding plants on her cart smiled at me and said “Yours are bigger than mine”. > > I’m not sure if that was a come-on or if she had shrub envy. > > Anyway, Mrs. J. laughed when I told her about it. If only you’d been buying peonies. ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2014, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/31 "2014-07-01T11:35:57Z")
If I were in Single Woman’s position, I’d want to know. It would suck to have former friends who were suddenly not-friends and not to know why. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2014, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/32 "2014-07-01T11:41:25Z")
I don’t understand. You say that single woman already knows that wife and husband are married, so why are you asking whether you should tell her something she already knows? ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2014, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/33 "2014-07-01T15:28:06Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > 1. If someone’s blitzed enough that they don’t remember what they did at the party, either this is a one-off event, or they’ve got a drinking problem. With the odds favoring door #2. Or, 2a) She really does remmber, but is so embarassed by her actions that she is hiding behind the “blacked out” excuse. > [@](#): > > 1. No, you don’t tell either member of the couple that SW was so blitzed that she doesn’t remember any of the fun stuff. If SW wants to tell them herself as part of apologizing (which is an iffy idea unless they bring it up with her), that’s her call. This ^, but I think she needs to apologize regardless. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2014, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/34 "2014-07-01T15:33:53Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > I don’t understand. You say that single woman already knows that wife and husband are married, so why are you asking whether you should tell her something she already knows? He stated in the OP that the single woman doesn’t act like she remembers hitting on him. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2014, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/35 "2014-07-01T16:00:11Z")
why would you insert yourself into a situation and spoil your opportunity to sit on the sidelines and laugh? ---
**Author:** ![Fallen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@Fallen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fallen)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2014, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/36 "2014-07-01T16:30:04Z")
> [@Rodgers01](#): > > No, SW definitely knows the guy is married. She was friends with Wife before she ever even met Husband. You may want to re-read the poll question. The fact that he’s married is irrelevant in the context of things, and it’s not a “mind your own business” type of situation if you’re friends with all these people and they’re friends with each other. At any rate, the most interesting aspect of the story is the irrational wife. Irrational spouses who don’t recognize their fear response (translating to jealousy) are the worst. Far worse than someone being plastered and coming onto another person, married or not. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2014, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028/37 "2014-07-01T16:40:44Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > He stated in the OP that the single woman doesn’t act like she remembers hitting on him. Oh, I get it now! So it’s not “Should I tell her that the guy she was hitting on is married”, it’s “Should I tell her that she was hitting on this guy that she knows is married”. In that case, it’s a tricky one. On the one hand, if your friend wants to attempt an affair with a married person, is that really any of your business? You can certainly set boundaries, e.g. ‘If you’re going to hit on _husband_, please don’t do it whilst I’m around because I find it really distasteful.’ On the other hand, perhaps your concern is more to do with the amount of drinking your friend is doing, in which case you can take the ‘I’m really concerned about your drinking. The other night, you got so drunk that you hit on _husband_ and now you don’t even remember doing it. It’s really out of character for you and I’m worried about you’ route. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-she-was-coming-on-to-a-married-man/692028.md?page=1)