# Should I tell my friend that this method of saying grace makes me uncomfortable? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 19, 2006, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321 "2006-09-19T20:16:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/1 "2006-09-19T20:16:33Z")
A good friend of mine occasionally has me over for dinner party along with a group of his other friends. Often, this is for a holiday meal of some sort, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving. At these meals, before eating, he asks that we each go around and say part of the blessing. I am an atheist, and both my friend and all (or nearly all) of his other friends are Christian (he is very involved in his church, socially). I get along with him and them quite well, and I’m aware that, as the cultural minority, I need to go with the flow. I am fine with bowing my head and conveying my respect, or with singing along if we go to church, I’d really rather not be involved in saying a personal prayer. It makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel like a fraud. And, it puts me on the spotIn the past, I’ve just said something noncommital about being thankful for the food and the fellowship, without referencing God. I’ve never said anything to him about it, but I’m thinking that the next time he invites me over for one of these, I’m going to let him know that it makes me uncomfortable. If he wants to keep doing it, then I’ll suck it up and continue to go along with it out of politeness’ sake, but I’m hoping that he comes up with a way to say grace that lets me be an observer, rather than a participant. What say you? ---
**Author:** ![Caricci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Caricci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caricci)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/2 "2006-09-19T20:19:22Z")
I see nothing wrong with it as long as you say it privately and before dinner. Just say what you posted here. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/3 "2006-09-19T20:27:59Z")
You say he’s a “good friend”, why then sure, ask him privately. I have no problems saying the occasional grace if I have to, and like you, I’ll be thankful for the food or whatever, but if it was a friend I had to go to repeatedly I’d ask him. ---
**Author:** ![Greenback](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/2bfe46/32.png) [@Greenback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greenback)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/4 "2006-09-19T20:31:47Z")
Absolutely. I’m sure he hasn’t considered how uncomfortable you may feel at those times. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/5 "2006-09-19T20:32:22Z")
I’ve never been asked to say grace, but probably I would just mumble out, “I’m not religious…” and turn it over to the next person. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/6 "2006-09-19T20:34:39Z")
Being gracious and civil during one’s religious rituals is one thing. Asking you to actively participate is another. Definitely, tell your friend. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/7 "2006-09-19T20:42:18Z")
\*\*Ivylass \*\*said it well. You have done (and intend to do) all that is required - be respectful during their observance of their customs. It should not be required that you take part if you don’t believe. ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/8 "2006-09-19T21:06:47Z")
[QUOTE=Sage Rat] I’ve never been asked to say grace, but probably I would just mumble out, “I’m not religious…” and turn it over to the next person. [/QUOTE] This would be an open invitation for everyone there, to submit your name to the “Those Who Must Be Saved”, list. You would get bombarded with invitations to every church within a 50 mile radius. After invoking the words, “I’m not religious”, to my neighbor, I’m still getting harrassed 12 years later. It’s worse if they know your address and phone number. **iamthewalrus(:3=** You’re a guest in your friends home, and you’re there for religious holidays. Maybe the reason he wants you to participate in the blessing, is because he doesn’t want his Christian friends to know you are Atheist. You can give thanks without giving thanks to God. Thank your friend for providing you with a lovely meal. ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/9 "2006-09-19T21:20:33Z")
[QUOTE=Batsinma Belfry] This would be an open invitation for everyone there, to submit your name to the “Those Who Must Be Saved”, list. You would get bombarded with invitations to every church within a 50 mile radius. After invoking the words, “I’m not religious”, to my neighbor, I’m still getting harrassed 12 years later. It’s worse if they know your address and phone number. [/QUOTE] That’s taking it a little far; not every Christian is anywhere near that evangelical. Granted that some are, I think if **iamthewalrus(:3=** is even considering asking being exempted from saying grace before meals, this friend is probably reasonable. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/10 "2006-09-19T21:34:03Z")
[QUOTE=appleciders] That’s taking it a little far; not every Christian is anywhere near that evangelical. Granted that some are, I think if **iamthewalrus(:3=** is even considering asking being exempted from saying grace before meals, this friend is probably reasonable. [/QUOTE] I’m not particularly worried about it. I’ve got a few devoutly Christian friends, and while I’m sure they think that I’m sinful and hellbound, they’re far too polite to _say_ anything about it. And in the worst-case scenario, I have no problem making known my lack of desire to hear about their beliefs. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/11 "2006-09-19T21:49:31Z")
We can only assume that as your friend and your host he would not want to make you uncomfortable. Like \*\*Ivylass/b] said, it isn’t reasonable to expect you to actually _participate_ in a ritual you don’t believe in. But unfortunately, opting out might make you more of a focal-point than participating; what’s your friend going to say: “Let’s all say part of the blessing, except **walrus** , who doesn’t want to take part”? Then everyone turns and looks at you. So if it were me, I might “participate” by merelly murmuring “I’m very glad to be here” before letting the person next to me jump in – but then, I don’t just how uncomfortable it makes you. This is IMO why those sort of participatory graces are a bad idea, unless you are _absolutely sure_ of your audience. Even among a group of Christians, one person can chime in with something that makes someone else feel uncomfortable: “I’m grateful that the President has had the courage to do the right thing in Iraq” or “I’m grateful that more and more people are seeing how unjust the war in Iraq is.” IMO, one person should say grace. It should be short and not inflammatory. Not as cavelier as “Good food, good meat, good God, let’s eat,” but close. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/12 "2006-09-19T22:03:37Z")
[QUOTE=Batsinma Belfry] This would be an open invitation for everyone there, to submit your name to the “Those Who Must Be Saved”, list. You would get bombarded with invitations to every church within a 50 mile radius. After invoking the words, “I’m not religious”, to my neighbor, I’m still getting harrassed 12 years later. It’s worse if they know your address and phone number. [/QUOTE] Well I never said it was necessarily the course I would suggest, just what I would do finding myself in such a situation. And in general I tend to view it as that anyone trying to convert me is open game for the reverse so… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![PoorYorick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecccb3/32.png) [@PoorYorick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PoorYorick)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/13 "2006-09-19T22:08:54Z")
I’m kind of torn on this. On the one hand, I agree with the posters who’ve said that a host should be concerned with not making his guest uncomfortable, especially asking that they participate in a religious ceremony. On the other hand, when I’ve been placed in this situation (such as attending a Passover Seder or a Druid wedding, or whatever), I just try to go with it, as I’m sure no offense is intended. Maybe it’s my training in anthropology, I just feel kind of disassociated and try to fit in with the natives. Where I would be pissed off, though, is the discomfort of being asked to participate in something I wasn’t prepared for. I shouldn’t have to feel stage fright as a guest. But as for the religious aspect, no big deal. ---
**Author:** ![FormerMarineGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/65b543/32.png) [@FormerMarineGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FormerMarineGuy)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/14 "2006-09-19T22:11:35Z")
Could you just say a blessing, but without a religious tone? It could be something as simple as “I am thankful that I am able to spend this day with my closest friends, and cherish all of the moments we have together”. I go to Thanksgiving dinner at my sisters, who is Jewish. My wife and I are Catholic, and there is a nice atheist couple there, and it has never caused any problems. Since we are all friends and close with each other, it makes no difference. But if I was put in a situation where I needed to say grace/prayer/whatever, I would definitely keep it religion free. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/15 "2006-09-19T22:15:50Z")
[QUOTE=FormerMarineGuy] Could you just say a blessing, but without a religious tone? It could be something as simple as “I am thankful that I am able to spend this day with my closest friends, and cherish all of the moments we have together”. [/QUOTE] That is exactly what I have been doing. And perhaps what I should just keep doing. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/16 "2006-09-19T23:21:21Z")
You could keep it really short and just say, “Jesus _Christ_.” ---
**Author:** ![FormerMarineGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/65b543/32.png) [@FormerMarineGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FormerMarineGuy)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/17 "2006-09-19T23:31:26Z")
[QUOTE=iamthewalrus(:3=] That is exactly what I have been doing. And perhaps what I should just keep doing. [/QUOTE] As long as it makes you comfortable. If this is true, apparently nobody minds that you do not have a religious tone in your message, and you do not seem to mind anyone else having a religious tone in their prayers. So be it. ---
**Author:** ![A.R.Cane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ee7513/32.png) [@A.R.Cane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/A.R.Cane)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2006, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/18 "2006-09-19T23:54:28Z")
[QUOTE=Eve] You could keep it really short and just say, “Jesus _Christ_.” [/QUOTE] You forgot the “H”, it really impresses christians when you know that Jesus’ middle initial is “H”. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/19 "2006-09-20T00:00:42Z")
[QUOTE=FormerMarineGuy] Could you just say a blessing, but without a religious tone? It could be something as simple as “I am thankful that I am able to spend this day with my closest friends, and cherish all of the moments we have together”. [/QUOTE] That’s pretty much what I said. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/20 "2006-09-20T00:21:27Z")
You should not only participate in the grace, but you should draw special relivence to the sin of gluttony. That way the Christinas will be affraid to ask for seconds, and you’ll get to pig out to your hearts content 🙂 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321.md?page=2)