# Should I tell my friend that this method of saying grace makes me uncomfortable? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 19, 2006, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321 "2006-09-19T20:16:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/41 "2006-09-20T19:32:26Z")
As your part, say, “Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalpost of life.” Odds are you won’t be asked to participate again. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/42 "2006-09-20T21:29:54Z")
[QUOTE=iamthewalrus(:3=] He knows very well that I’m an atheist. We lived together for several months and have on occasion had discussions about religious matters. And I’m not _offended_ by his beliefs or by the grace, I’m just uncomfortable at being a part of it. I think that the first time this happened was at a Thanksgiving dinner, and it was just a “everyone give thanks for something” thing. Most people offered up a prayer of thanks, and I just said that I was thankful for good food and company. It was only the next time that it was more overtly religious and I felt more uncomfortable. Well, that wouldn’t really be true, and he knows it. Generally, a very tactful suggestion, though. You’re right. I don’t have to. But these are friends at a private gathering. Since some _might_ perceive it as rudeness, it’s not a battle I care to fight right now. Thanks to everyone for your input and suggestions. [/QUOTE] I understand how you might want to appease them in the interest of peace at the dinner table, but true friends would not find it rude. They’d find it absolutely appropriate. They like you for who you are. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/43 "2006-09-20T23:11:08Z")
[QUOTE=Angel of the Lord] Any time that this has come up, I just say that I am uncomfortable with praying publicly, as my faith is more private. If the issue is pressed, I respectfully quote Matthew 6:6, where Jesus says the following: [/QUOTE] Matthew 6 is how I convinced an evangilical friend to stop asking me if I’d like to go to services. I’m a believer, but I don’t participate in organized religion. I hate to say it, but depending on the sorts of personalities the friends’ friends have, asking to be skipped over while doing the blessing might lead to even _more_ discomfort. Although the friend is probably going to be respectful of the OP’s lack of belief, it doesn’t mean _his_ friends will be. I can just picture something like this happening: The blessing is given and **iamthewalrus(:3=** smiles and looks away, or somehow else indicates he’s not playing, so he’s skipped. And then, once the blessing is over, the questions start. “iamthewalrus(:3=, why didn’t you say something? Aren’t you grateful for God’s bounty?” “You’re not a non-believer, are you?” Yeah, that’d be no fun. Personally, were I in iamthewalrus(:3='s shoes, I’d hope that my host would be reasonable enough to change formats for the blessing. Like perhaps have one volunteer do it, or to take it upon himself to do it. I’m not sure how it’s different, just that it is, but in my family we talk about what we’re each grateful for at Thanksgiving, and it doesn’t have an air of prayer about it. Maybe it’s because our audience is each other, and God is just able to listen in if he likes; he’s not addressed. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/44 "2006-09-20T23:35:40Z")
[QUOTE=elfkin477] I can just picture something like this happening: The blessing is given and **iamthewalrus(:3=** smiles and looks away, or somehow else indicates he’s not playing, so he’s skipped. And then, once the blessing is over, the questions start. “iamthewalrus(:3=, why didn’t you say something? Aren’t you grateful for God’s bounty?” “You’re not a non-believer, are you?” Yeah, that’d be no fun. [/QUOTE] I used to worry about that kind of thing, but I don’t with this friend (and his friends) anymore. I’ve certainly heard horror stories about overly pushy believers. But the most pointed question I’ve ever gotten from this social circle was, at a gathering shortly after I’d moved to Santa Barbara, someone asked me if I’d found a church yet. When I responded that I didn’t go to church, since I wasn’t religious, she said “Oh,” and changed the topic. Until now, I’ve refrained from passing when my turn to speak comes because I felt like the discontinuity would bring attention to me at an inoportune time. I still feel this way. Hopefully, my friend will decide to change the format of the blessing, but if not, I’ll continue to give nondescript thanks, or to thank him for preparing the meal. ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2006, 9:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/45 "2006-09-21T09:40:42Z")
How about simply smiling, nodding, and looking at the person next to you for a pass? That way, you could acknowledge you’ve been given a turn but are choosing not to take it while not disrupting the ritual itself. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2006, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/46 "2006-09-21T11:42:01Z")
I too am an atheist, but I consider it good manners to partake in any grace or blessings that are being held in my presence. If the host requested that you get up and do a cheer for our footy/hockey/baseball team before eating, would you feel so personally offended by that? Or is it just the god stuff that has pressed your buttons? Y’see, because I am a non-believer in any deity of whatever kind, it doesn’t bloody matter what I say…it certainly doesn’t make me uncomfortable, because I am not ‘betraying’ any actual belief by thanking my hosts’ deity, however they see him/her/it. Atheism is NOT a tenet _per se_, and we are not betraying our precious atheism by sharing in a prayer. It doesn’t hurt us to pray because our prayer is totally irrelevant. So is cheering on our football team when you come to think of it, but few of us would be ‘offended’ by that eh? ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2006, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/47 "2006-09-21T13:07:05Z")
[QUOTE=kambuckta] I too am an atheist, but I consider it good manners to partake in any grace or blessings that are being held in my presence. If the host requested that you get up and do a cheer for our footy/hockey/baseball team before eating, would you feel so personally offended by that? Or is it just the god stuff that has pressed your buttons? [/quote] Well, I’d hardly equate a football cheer with acknowleging the existence of a god through prayer/verbal offering. However, yes…I find it weird when anyone gets offended if I don’t participate in ritual; whether it’s a cheer, a prayer, funeral stuff…whatever. > [@](#): > > Y’see, because I am a non-believer in any deity of whatever kind, it doesn’t bloody matter what I say…it certainly doesn’t make me uncomfortable, because I am not ‘betraying’ any actual belief by thanking my hosts’ deity, however they see him/her/it. Atheism is NOT a tenet _per se_, and we are not betraying our precious atheism by sharing in a prayer. It doesn’t hurt us to pray because our prayer is totally irrelevant. So is cheering on our football team when you come to think of it, but few of us would be ‘offended’ by that eh? Well to me, saying it without believing it is not only disingenuous but it also mocks the believers. “Ok…suuuuuuure…‘Thank you for the turkey…blah, blah, blah…what a lovely gift you’ve given us.’” Kind of an Eddie Haskell response to something they take seriously. I see nothing wrong with being yourself among friends. ---
**Author:** ![sinjin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ebca7d/32.png) [@sinjin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sinjin)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2006, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/48 "2006-09-21T19:20:02Z")
[QUOTE=Nava] My father, who was “daily Mass”, had a favourite way of saying grace that would have been at the very least politically incorrect. In the original sense of the world… it’s not offensive, it does make reference to some political ideas that would leave many people too stunned to eat. He never used it in a context where it would shock people, but if someone had asked him to take part in a “each a line” grace, he might have trotted it out. It’s the kind of kumbayah stuff that made him (discreetely) roll his eyes when our Franciscan parish priests did it 😃 I don’t think that your friend, being a friend and a caring person (he is, right?), will continue this custom knowing that it makes a guest uncomfortable. If I had been doing something that made my guests uncomfortable, I would appreciate being told! [/QUOTE] Are you ever going to share? Pins. Needles. Bated breath. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/49 "2006-09-22T02:10:29Z")
Will anyone be there you don’t like? Then this will do: “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemy.” Beatle’s lyrics are often a good substitute: “And when the night is cloudy There is still a light that shines on me. Shine until tomorrow Let it be.” You can get more mysterious if you want to: “Blackbird singing in the dead of night, Take these broken wings and learn to fly.” or “Picture yourself in a boat on a river With tangerine trees and marmalade skies.” No, they don’t make sense, but neither does praying to a god you don’t believe in. I would tell my hostess and ask for her suggestion for a way out of it. You can always say “Check” or “By me” if she insists. My brother-in-law gets caught in this same situation time after time by my mother and he is very natural about saying that he doesn’t pray. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/50 "2006-09-22T15:52:01Z")
I suppose it would be right out for you to stand up, pat your belly, and shout, “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God!” ---
**Author:** ![SmartAleq](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smartaleq/32/163_2.png) [@SmartAleq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmartAleq)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/51 "2006-09-22T20:07:37Z")
How about “it’s times like these when I just have to say thank god I’m an atheist!” 😉 That’ll keep 'em guessing… ---
**Author:** ![Roonwit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/54ee81/32.png) [@Roonwit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roonwit)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/52 "2006-09-22T20:37:43Z")
I get in this situation at my parents’ house. Just ask your friend to seat you to his immediate right, and ask _him_ to start the ‘round’. That way you’ll be last, and you can just say “Aaaa-men”. They’ll just figure that everybody already said the stuff you were going to say. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Bongmaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Bongmaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bongmaster)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2006, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/53 "2006-09-25T19:54:03Z")
Actually I like the strategy you use now. Just mutter something about being thankful for the food and friends, no reason to invoke god. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2006, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/54 "2006-09-25T20:44:19Z")
What are you required to say? ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2006, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/55 "2006-09-25T20:47:25Z")
[QUOTE=Zebra] What are you required to say? [/QUOTE] The expectation is that I’ll say something. I don’t think there’s any social requirement beyond that and being polite. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2006, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/56 "2006-09-25T21:47:55Z")
[QUOTE=A.R. Cane] You forgot the “H”, it really impresses christians when you know that Jesus’ middle initial is “H”. 😃 [/QUOTE] And if you add in the fact that he has a rubber crutch, it makes the day complete. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2006, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/57 "2006-09-25T21:55:06Z")
[QUOTE=iamthewalrus(:3=] The expectation is that I’ll say something. I don’t think there’s any social requirement beyond that and being polite. [/QUOTE] I suppose all you need to say is, “Thank you for inviting me into your home.” ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2006, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/58 "2006-09-26T00:04:03Z")
[QUOTE=iamthewalrus(:3=] The expectation is that I’ll say something. I don’t think there’s any social requirement beyond that and being polite. [/QUOTE] Many people at Thanksgiving have a “Let us all say what we are thankful for” and I don’t see any problem with that. As long as you don’t have to invoke Jesus or Alla or whatever, I don’t think I would have a problem. If it is that big of a deal to you, you can host the dinner yourself, and not say grace, or you can stay away, or you can talk to your friend. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2006, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321/59 "2006-09-26T00:11:55Z")
[QUOTE=Zebra] Many people at Thanksgiving have a “Let us all say what we are thankful for” and I don’t see any problem with that. As long as you don’t have to invoke Jesus or Alla or whatever, I don’t think I would have a problem. If it is that big of a deal to you, you can host the dinner yourself, and not say grace, or you can stay away, or you can talk to your friend. [/QUOTE] As I said before, it didn’t bother me when it was Thanksgiving because it wasn’t presented as a prayer. Later, for other dinners, it was more explicitly phrased as being a participatory blessing, which I am uncomfortable with. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-friend-that-this-method-of-saying-grace-makes-me-uncomfortable/373321.md?page=2)