# Should I tell my husband??? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 11, 2013, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399 "2013-04-11T13:41:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/21 "2013-04-11T14:31:36Z")
I think I am going to tell my husband in a, “listen to the next bat shit crazy thing Kate said.” ha ha ha… It’s going to hurt. But I just don’t think I can not tell him… ---
**Author:** ![PurpleClogs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f04885/32.png) [@PurpleClogs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PurpleClogs)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/22 "2013-04-11T14:37:22Z")
Don’t keep secrets from your spouse. That’s never a good thing. ---
**Author:** ![2gigch1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/2gigch1/32/3313_2.png) [@2gigch1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2gigch1)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/23 "2013-04-11T14:37:30Z")
Regardless of your decision, good for you for being an adult and making a good, reasoned solution. Congratulations on being a good person! ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/24 "2013-04-11T14:41:37Z")
I certainly wouldn’t “ha ha ha” it, but make sure you’re simply relaying the “crazy shit” his sister is now saying about his father. ---
**Author:** ![Ludy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Ludy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludy)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/25 "2013-04-11T14:42:43Z")
Well, your husband needs to know, and from the sounds of it, will eventually know. What I would probably do is tell him that his sister was hospitalized for self-harm and that he really should talk to her. That way the ball is in the sisters court. Telling about abuse is a personal thing and it should be up to her to tell. ---
**Author:** ![yellowjacketcoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/4bbf92/32.png) [@yellowjacketcoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowjacketcoder)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/26 "2013-04-11T14:49:58Z")
> [@llcoolbj77](#): > > I think I am going to tell my husband in a, “listen to the next bat shit crazy thing Kate said.” ha ha ha… > > It’s going to hurt. But I just don’t think I can not tell him… Doing the right thing hurts sometimes. But not doing the right thing can hurt a lot worse. It’s like having surgery to remove a tumor. Sure, surgery is unpleasant and there’s recovery time. But dying of cancer is a lot worse. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/27 "2013-04-11T14:50:42Z")
Tell him. He should have realised how strange this is, and he can decide if he wants to believe it. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/28 "2013-04-11T14:54:42Z")
Do not withhold this info from your husband. He needs to be able to trust you, and any such withholding will erode that trust. You’re not parenting him, you are his partner (or at least I hope you are). ---
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/29 "2013-04-11T15:04:52Z")
> [@2gigch1](#): > > Regardless of your decision, good for you for being an adult and making a good, reasoned solution. > > Congratulations on being a good person! Wow, thanks! I feel really bad for my husband. I have such a great relationship with my brother and sister, and they bring so much joy to my life. It must suck so bad for him to not have that. It hurts him that Kate and Genny haven’t met our son yet, and there always seems to be a pool of drama surrounding his family. Who knows. Maybe this will help explain some stuff to him. Maybe he will stop thinking it is him that his sister is avoiding. Thanks for giving me the courage, guys. Texting him now to “go get some lunch and chat.” ---
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/30 "2013-04-11T15:14:37Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > Do not withhold this info from your husband. He needs to be able to trust you, and any such withholding will erode that trust. You’re not parenting him, you are his partner (or at least I hope you are). Thanks for the tough love, QTM. Of course you are right. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/31 "2013-04-11T15:22:01Z")
Best of luck telling him - keep us updated if you get a chance? ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/32 "2013-04-11T15:55:16Z")
Tell his sister she needs to tell him. And if she doesn’t, then you should. ---
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/33 "2013-04-11T15:58:43Z")
> [@panaccione](#): > > Tell his sister she needs to tell him. And if she doesn’t, then you should. My only issue with that (aside from the fact that I have no ability to communicate with his sister) is that she won’t be released from the hospital until next week. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/34 "2013-04-11T16:10:24Z")
Well, I’d wait and try that route first. Even if you relay the message to her and she doesn’t respond. Give her a time table and an ultimatum. It really should come from her since they are all family. This way you can confront her and find out if she really is lying or telling the truth. Because if she is lying, that could put you in a bad spot. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/35 "2013-04-11T16:25:11Z")
> [@panaccione](#): > > Well, I’d wait and try that route first. Even if you relay the message to her and she doesn’t respond. Give her a time table and an ultimatum. > > It really should come from her since they are all family. This way you can confront her and find out if she really is lying or telling the truth. Because if she is lying, that could put you in a bad spot. It doesn’t matter if she is lying or not. The wife knows something her husband has a right to know. And if he finds out she knew and didn’t tell him, it would be much worse. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/36 "2013-04-11T16:35:12Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > It doesn’t matter if she is lying or not. The wife knows something her husband has a right to know. And if he finds out she knew and didn’t tell him, it would be much worse. Yeah, but it still shouldn’t have to come from her. I mean you have to question why **llcoolbj** was even told in the first place? She might be telling the truth and just afraid to tell her brother or she might be playing games. Either way, I stand by what I said. Give the sister an ultimatum. Either tell her brother by a certain time and day, or do it yourself. I think she could afford to wait a week. ---
**Author:** ![beatlejuice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@beatlejuice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beatlejuice)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/37 "2013-04-11T16:39:43Z")
> [@llcoolbj77](#): > > 😃 > > I am hanging up my “liason” hat for good. Although I do love Genny, and enjoy her friendship. We will just have to set some boundaries. > > Thanks guys. But, maybe this isn’t a good idea. Perhaps Genny struggled with telling you this info as you struggle to tell your husband. Maybe she told you because your child is around his father as well as giving you a reason for Kate’s issues. ---
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/38 "2013-04-11T17:00:14Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > Disagree completely. How will the husband will feel when it comes out his wife knew about this all along and didn’t tell him? Devil’s advocate: why can’t she just reply, “I didn’t want to tell you because it was a very serious accusation and I didn’t want to upset you until I was sure it was true, since you and your dad are so close”? ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_I\_Am](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@Sam\_I\_Am](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_I_Am)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/39 "2013-04-11T17:09:11Z")
I couldn’t keep a secret from my husband, for fear it would be eroding us. Another plus to telling him yourself, is that you can choose to do it at a good time when he has an opportunity to process it (don’t do it on the way out the door taking your kids for ice cream, like my husband did!). ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/40 "2013-04-11T17:30:00Z")
> [@Leaper](#): > > Devil’s advocate: why can’t she just reply, “I didn’t want to tell you because it was a very serious accusation and I didn’t want to upset you until I was sure it was true, since you and your dad are so close”? She doesn’t have to validate anything Kate says. There’s no way she could do that anyway. How the heck is she supposed to be able to investigate whether the accusations of abuse are true or not? She is not responsible for finding out the truth. She is responsible for not keeping secrets from her husband. And this means, _not_ telling her husband that Kate might have been sexually abused, but telling her husband that Kate is _claiming_ to have been sexually abused. She should take absolutely no position on the truth or falsity of Kate’s claims, because she has absolutely no way to know. Don’t blow off Kate’s claim with “of course I didn’t believe it, haha!”, or accept Kate’s claim. Simply tell your husband that the claim was made to you, and refuse to speculate further. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399.md?page=3)