# Should I tell my husband??? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 11, 2013, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399 "2013-04-11T13:41:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/41 "2013-04-11T17:33:54Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > She doesn’t have to validate anything Kate says. There’s no way she could do that anyway. How the heck is she supposed to be able to investigate whether the accusations of abuse are true or not? > > She is not responsible for finding out the truth. She is responsible for not keeping secrets from her husband. And this means, _not_ telling her husband that Kate might have been sexually abused, but telling her husband that Kate is _claiming_ to have been sexually abused. She should take absolutely no position on the truth or falsity of Kate’s claims, because she has absolutely no way to know. > > Don’t blow off Kate’s claim with “of course I didn’t believe it, haha!”, or accept Kate’s claim. Simply tell your husband that the claim was made to you, and refuse to speculate further. I think this is good advice. You don’t need to be in the position to speculate on the veracity, but you do have an obligation to not keep things from your husband. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/42 "2013-04-11T17:36:50Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Just tell him and get it over with. You don’t know much anyway, and you should avoid being the liaison between him and his family in the future. This. > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > “Wow, honey, guess what latest weirdness your sister told me?” And this. > [@llcoolbj77](#): > > \ > > I am hanging up my “liason” hat for good. Although I do love Genny, and enjoy her friendship. We will just have to set some boundaries. \ And this. You shouldn’t be the liaison with your husband’s family. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/43 "2013-04-11T17:50:03Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > She doesn’t have to validate anything Kate says. There’s no way she could do that anyway. How the heck is she supposed to be able to investigate whether the accusations of abuse are true or not? She could confront Kate herself. > [@Lemur866](#): > > She is not responsible for finding out the truth. She is responsible for not keeping secrets from her husband. And this means, _not_ telling her husband that Kate might have been sexually abused, but telling her husband that Kate is _claiming_ to have been sexually abused. She should take absolutely no position on the truth or falsity of Kate’s claims, because she has absolutely no way to know. I agree. I just don’t see how she’s supposed to pass this message along like you’re suggesting. I’m sure her husband is going to want to talk about it and want her opinion. Drama will be inevitable. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/44 "2013-04-11T18:04:27Z")
How is she going to have an opinion based on hearing a second hand account of a claim that something happened decades ago when she wasn’t even around? ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/45 "2013-04-11T18:08:32Z")
> [@panaccione](#): > > She could confront Kate herself. Why would she do that? ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/46 "2013-04-11T18:13:29Z")
**Cheesesteak** , you tell me. > [@llcoolbj77](#): > > Secondary issue - I have no doubt that Kate is full of shit, and her behavior in the past is the height of “the boy who cried wolf.” But there is a teeny-tiny place in my heart that thinks this might be true. I have a 14mos old son, and I have never left him alone with Grandpa. In my gut I just wouldn’t, and have been able to pass it off as over-protective new mommy. I was never concerned with sexual abuse, but just… something… I don’t know. Instinct, maybe. This part of it is kind of killing me, because even if there is only a 0.0001% chance that it is true, I’m really not going to take any chances with my child (or future children). But there is no way in hell my husband will ever believe his sister about this, and it has the potential to create a serious problem. FUCKBALLS!!! ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/47 "2013-04-11T18:14:35Z")
Yes, you should tell him about this. You shouldn’t keep secrets about your spouse’s family from your spouse, because he’s going to find out eventually. If I may… if you don’t believe her, keep that to yourself around her. Having been a victim of sexual abuse under similar circumstances, the fear of not being believed kept me from talking about it until my mid-20s. If even one person had accused me of lying when it came to light, I would likely have killed myself. And it was also much easier for me to tell female family members than male ones, which could explain why you were told before your husband. Add in the fact that you have a bad gut feeling about grandpa, and, well… why exactly do you think she’s lying? Especially given that she was hospitalized for self-harm, which is a common side-effect of childhood sexual abuse? Being a drama queen doesn’t mean she wasn’t abused. False accusations of sexual abuse are \*vanishingly \*rare. So, please. Keep your doubts to yourself around her/her partner. Tell your husband what you were told, with as non-judgmental a tone as possible. And trust your gut. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/48 "2013-04-11T18:17:53Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > Why would she do that? I just think it’s between Kate, her brother and her father. **llcoolbj** got dragged into this without asking for it. No doubt she has to deal with it now. I think it would be best if it came from Kate. If that’s not an option, then I agree she should tell her husband. ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/49 "2013-04-11T18:25:29Z")
I have a bi-polar older sister who seems to exhibit a lot of the same behaviors. Becomes a recluse for extended periods, tries to insert drama into things, makes up a lot of lies. She once pulled me aside at a family gathering and told me that since our father just got diagnosed with emphysema he definately would not make it more than 10 months according to the doctors. That was over 5 years ago. My other sister tried to renew her relationship with her but it became too much when the BP sister started making up rumors about her and spread them to her friends. Myself, my younger brother, and normal sister have learned to keep our distance, take what she says with a grain of salt, and try to manage to be there for her if she needs it. If my wife heard that my BP sister had suddenly made claims that she was molested by our father I would definately want her to tell me. It would give me time to process it, present it to my other siblings, and figure out as siblings how best to approach the matter. I would hate to be ambushed by it later, especially if she decided to announce it at a family gathering (she loves the drama), and find out my wife knew about it beforehand. ---
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/50 "2013-04-11T23:26:42Z")
I talked to my husband tonight, and am so glad I did. He took it surprisingly well. He understood my need to think about it before I told him right away. He is hurt by his sister’s drama, but not overly about the subject-matter. He doesn’t believe it, but he does feel sorry for her. Quote, “I can’t control her or change her, or control the situation or change the situation. I’ll just deal with it as it comes.” I love him! And thanks for all the great advice, gang! ---
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/51 "2013-04-12T00:59:13Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > If I may… if you don’t believe her, keep that to yourself around her. Having been a victim of sexual abuse under similar circumstances, the fear of not being believed kept me from talking about it until my mid-20s. If even one person had accused me of lying when it came to light, I would likely have killed myself. And it was also much easier for me to tell female family members than male ones, which could explain why you were told before your husband. Add in the fact that you have a bad gut feeling about grandpa, and, well… why exactly do you think she’s lying? Especially given that she was hospitalized for self-harm, which is a common side-effect of childhood sexual abuse? Being a drama queen doesn’t mean she wasn’t abused. False accusations of sexual abuse are \*vanishingly \*rare. > > So, please. Keep your doubts to yourself around her/her partner. Tell your husband what you were told, with as non-judgmental a tone as possible. And trust your gut. Absolutely. I have been assaulted myself, and work in an industry where I see some truly heinous stuff. When my husband first described his sister, I even asked him if she had ever disclosed sexual abuse, as she certainly presented that way. I don’t know what to believe, and as a defense attorney, I know that I will never know the truth… Just two versions of events. But I would never accuse Kate of lying. Frankly, it’s none of my business beyond how it effects my child vis a vis, grandpa’s access. I just went and talked to a 60 y.o. client of mine who was raping his girlfriend’s daughter over a period of years. Nice enough guy, minus the whole grooming, raping, life-ruinig. :(. People suck!!! ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/52 "2013-04-12T07:44:39Z")
I was wondering where the connection was. You and your husband were made for each other. _armchair psychologist_ you have unresolved issues still being delt with in your husband’s family, I think. Safe for you because it’s removed, but still satisfying. The first line in the OP that jumped out at me was You called her wife to figure out what was going on, but…you actually had already been informed. Perfectly natural to get caught up in family doings. You found out and I’m glad you told your husband. As you said, he deserves your first loyalty. His family is in turmoil. His sister is trying to stay away but seems like people won’t leave it at that, they’re keeping score as to how often she participates (unwanted) in family functions. Your husband and his father are close. Each person can have a totally different relationship with another “shared” person that is not reflective at all of other dynamics. You have a gut feeling that grandfather is not to be trusted. This could prove to be a hot-spot in your and your husband’s relationship at some point…if all this goes unresolved and your own “stuff” comes out. A lot of families have a scapegoat, a bearer of all ills. (re Prince of Tides) Kate seems to be “it.” Maybe not everything is exactly truth but _something_ lays at the bottom of her acting out. And she’s trying to work it out. She and Ginny, who you like, seem to feel more comfortable with you than some other family members. Maybe slow and steady diffusion can help this family out before something blows and maybe you, in your professional capacity, can help facilitate a way to let this happen. (Not to put too great a burden on you. But you may know resources that can help.) It would be good if your child could know all the family members and appreciate them in their own ways. Families are like silly putty; they fill in the gaps and leave an impression. ---
**Author:** ![wombattver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b77776/32.png) [@wombattver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wombattver)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2013, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/53 "2013-04-13T05:58:02Z")
Go with your instincts regarding your kids. I firmly believe that so much molestation/incest continues because no one says anything. How would you feel right now if you found out he molested another child last week and you said nothing? My good friend and neighbor, “Sue,” was molested as a child and teen by family members. She is now 60 and two of her daughters, 40 and 35 yo now, were molested by their grandfather and others. “Sue” was told and swept it under the rug, ignored it and didn’t believe them! 11 years ago, “Sue” and her husband took in a distant cousin’s child. They knew the child had been molested by at least 2 of her mom’s boyfriends, before the age of 4. Then, they allowed some weekend visits with cousins during which the 8 yr old child was again molested. And they did nothing. Nothing. So Sue has been molested, her two daughters have told her they were also molested and her foster daughter was molested before coming into their family and at least once since then. They’ve sought out no therapy, no help, no legal assistance, nothing at all. I think that we have a responsibility to believe and support the victim. Shockingly, I know quite a few females who have been molested and abused (usually by family members). I think it is VERY prevalent and too many people hide it, excuse it and ignore it. Even though you say your husband doesn’t believe it, there’s a part of you that does believe in the possibility. Listen to that. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2013, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/54 "2013-04-13T11:21:12Z")
Glad you told him, as that was going to be my advice if it hadn’t unfolded by the end of the thread. Also glad you are protecting your kids. I think kids’ need to not be molested is more than a million times greater than their need for quality alone time with Grandpa. Your 0.00001% level of suspicion is too high to set aside. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2013, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399/55 "2013-04-13T12:20:40Z")
Glad it worked out well by telling him and that I was very wrong! I still don’t think that 2nd hand information that you cannot verify for yourself counts as “keeping a secret” from your spouse (but I do agree that keeping secrets is wrong), but I’m glad he didn’t blame you or get angry at you for you telling him. Now, can you be honest with him about your reservations of not letting your child stay with grandpa? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-tell-my-husband/655399.md?page=2)