# Should male virgins keep their virginity a secret from the women they're dating? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 16, 2014, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393 "2014-12-16T13:41:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![TheBuilding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/aeb1de/32.png) [@TheBuilding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheBuilding)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/1 "2014-12-16T13:41:37Z")
There are a lot of threads here about whether women would date a virgin by a certain age. I guess I’m just wondering if it should even come up. If a man who has the misfortune of being a virgin as an adult, if he should just keep his virginity a secret? Go on dates, get his first kiss, have sex or hell even get into a relationship and get married without ever revealing that he’s a virgin. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/2 "2014-12-16T14:02:18Z")
I voted “keep it a secret” but really I mean: don’t bring it up. If she asks about your sexual history, then sure you can tell her (though I’d start with “well, I haven’t had a _huge_ amount of experience…” and only proceed to mention the V if pressed) People in general, and guys with little relationship history in particular, are too eager to say negative things\* about themselves to try to sound human/honest. But usually they bring these things up too soon and they are just a negative, plain and simple. Don’t bring it up unless and until it’s an issue. - Which this generally is. Most women IME prefer to feel they are in experienced hands. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/3 "2014-12-16T14:19:12Z")
If she doesn’t ask, you don’t need to bring it up. If she does ask, don’t lie. Just be honest. Firstly, because lying is wrong, trust is important in relationships, etc, and all that jazz. And secondly, because… well, think about it. If she goes to bed with you \*knowing \*that you’re a virgin, you have an excuse for any hypothetical fumbling around, not knowing the difference between a boob and an elbow, and finishing after two seconds (yes, I don’t want to frighten you, but the very first time can be a bit like that, although it shouldn’t take you long to figure it all out). But if you behave like that despite claiming to be experienced, she’ll assume that this is your baseline behavior in bed. Which is unlikely to make her want another date. BTW, and maybe I shouldn’t even share this, but I speak from experience. I went into my first relationship claiming to be more experienced than I was. I was young at the time, and stupid, and I wanted to appear all cool and worldly. I didn’t think she would like me otherwise. And boy, did it backfire back time. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/4 "2014-12-16T14:19:57Z")
I guess it really depends on the relationship, but it’s not a dealbreaker if you don’t tell. If you have a wonderful relationship, I guess it might come out, but please learn a little bit about sex that’s not from porn before you get into bed with her. Honestly, it won’t hurt to read something from the woman’s perspective. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/5 "2014-12-16T14:27:08Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > and finishing after two seconds (yes, I don’t want to frighten you, but the very first time can be a bit like that, although it shouldn’t take you long to figure it all out). Or it can go the other way and you never “finish” your first time. Not unheard of based on various “What was your first time like?” threads (…and my own experience). ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/6 "2014-12-16T14:37:46Z")
> [@TheBuilding](#): > > There are a lot of threads here about whether women would date a virgin by a certain age. I guess I’m just wondering if it should even come up. If a man who has the misfortune of being a virgin as an adult, if he should just keep his virginity a secret? Go on dates, get his first kiss, have sex or hell even get into a relationship and get married without ever revealing that he’s a virgin. Dude, as a subject, given two threads, I can tell that this is Really bothering you. Remember: we’re just people on the internet. There really are people IRL that you can talk to about this who can get to the bottom of whats bothering you and help you climb past it. The good ones are not judgmental and they really will work with you. You have a PC- research good therapists in your area and make an appointment for a consultation. What have you got to lose… except perhaps everything thats bothering you and holding you back? Weigh the cost of a visit vs the price of what you’d gain & see if its worth it for you. Good Luck either way. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/7 "2014-12-16T14:38:00Z")
Don’t bring it up unless asked. Once you know the person well enough to know how she will react, then you can talk about it. Women, especially young women, expect the man to know what to do in any situation and sex is an important one. It’s unfair but there it is. I was a little slow losing my in my virginity and let me tell you, some young women can be very cruel when they think they’ve spotted a loser. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/8 "2014-12-16T14:42:43Z")
Tell her, but only after you first kiss. Preferably mid-make out, when you know she’s attracted to you. She’s already in the mood and might see it as a challenge. I’m speaking from experience. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/9 "2014-12-16T14:55:22Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > Tell her, but only after you first kiss. Preferably mid-make out, when you know she’s attracted to you. She’s already in the mood and might see it as a challenge. > > I’m speaking from experience. This. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/10 "2014-12-16T15:04:33Z")
You don’t advertise it, but once the relationship gets serious, it’s a good idea to bring it up at some point. The woman is likely to think it’s charming, and will cut you a little slack if there are problems. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/11 "2014-12-16T15:21:51Z")
In service of what, pray tell?? This is one of those few things in life that you should keep to yourself with a clear conscience. ---
**Author:** ![TheBuilding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/aeb1de/32.png) [@TheBuilding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheBuilding)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/12 "2014-12-16T15:23:27Z")
> [@shiftless](#): > > I was a little slow losing my in my virginity and let me tell you, some young women can be very cruel when they think they’ve spotted a loser. Jesus man. I thought this behavior ended in middle school. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/13 "2014-12-16T15:34:34Z")
What with STDs, it is conceivably on some level her business with whom you have had sex. I don’t see that it is in any way her business with whom you have not had sex i.e. everybody. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/14 "2014-12-16T15:35:17Z")
> [@TheBuilding](#): > > Jesus man. I thought this behavior ended in middle school. You’re 27. The women you are likely dating are in their 20’s as well. Middle school behaviour won’t really end until mid 30’s. You seem very concerned about being judged about the fact that you’re a very late bloomer. The best advice you’re going to get is this: Don’t bring up things about yourself that people have no way of knowing about you unless you tell them! (exceptions being: a communicable disease or the fact that you’re a serial killer. You should definitely warn people of you have one or are the other.) ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/15 "2014-12-16T15:41:10Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > Tell her, but only after you first kiss. Preferably mid-make out, when you know she’s attracted to you. She’s already in the mood and might see it as a challenge. > > I’m speaking from experience. Yep. This could be a winning strategy, especially if you have a sense of humor about it. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/16 "2014-12-16T15:47:18Z")
I voted tell. Even in meaningless relationships I figure honestly works best. Or at least it gig for me. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/17 "2014-12-16T15:54:30Z")
> [@Sattua](#): > > Yep. This could be a winning strategy, especially if you have a sense of humor about it. [As I said in the other thread.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=17978182&postcount=12) Play the hand you have, with honesty and good cheer. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/18 "2014-12-16T15:58:38Z")
I’d say, don’t bring it up, but if the question is asked, don’t lie either. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/19 "2014-12-16T16:00:17Z")
When the relationship turns sexual a discussion of sexual histories is in order. So that’s when you tell her. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/20 "2014-12-16T16:01:38Z")
Don’t bring it up, and don’t tell her at first. No point in taking a chance on scaring her off. After a while, you’ll know. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393.md?page=2)