# Should male virgins keep their virginity a secret from the women they're dating? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 16, 2014, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393 "2014-12-16T13:41:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![silvermist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@silvermist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silvermist)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/41 "2014-12-17T10:26:20Z")
I would want to know because it would bother me to corrupt an innocent. I would marry a virgin though and not be bothered by it. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 10:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/42 "2014-12-17T10:50:30Z")
I’m a male and I voted\* I’m a male and think you should tell the woman you’re dating\*. In reality I think you should tell the first few women you date. Give her a memorable experience. ---
**Author:** ![Zakalwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zakalwe/32/270_2.png) [@Zakalwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zakalwe)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/43 "2014-12-17T12:10:58Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > How many times did it work? When I was young (and looked younger) and in the Navy, almost every time! 🙂 For some reason, mid-30s women in a Navy town just LOVE to think they’re your first… (or at least they did back in the late 80s). ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/44 "2014-12-17T12:28:41Z")
> [@silvermist](#): > > I would want to know because it would bother me to corrupt an innocent. Not sure if you’re being serious, but this is the kind of attitude is based on old-fashioned myths. That just because someone hasn’t put a thing in the thing, they’re clean, pure, innocent etc, and as soon as they do it, they’re corrupted. It’s BS. If an adult hasn’t even masturbated I will admit that sex may come as something of a shock, but still they are not going to go through some jekyll and hyde transformation. They were an ordinary, flawed human before, and they will be afterwards too. For the rest (that have masturbated at least), it’s really not such a big deal doing it with another person. As I said upthread, IMO the big deal is being in the first serious relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/45 "2014-12-17T13:27:56Z")
> [@silvermist](#): > > I would want to know because it would bother me to corrupt an innocent. I would marry a virgin though and not be bothered by it. This is a perfect example of why you \*don’t \* tell. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/46 "2014-12-17T14:47:09Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Tell her before you have sex. > > It’s a pertinent piece of information that you know that she would want to know. Withholding it is a lie by omission. > > I once dumped a guy when I found out that he hadn’t told me that he had been a virgin. Post-coitally, he said “you know, that was the first time I’ve ever done that.” I said “get out.” (I would still have slept with him had I known beforehand.) This is insane. ---
**Author:** ![Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ac8455/32.png) [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Your_Great_Darsh_Face)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/47 "2014-12-17T15:27:55Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Tell her before you have sex. > > It’s a pertinent piece of information that you know that she would want to know. Withholding it is a lie by omission. > > I once dumped a guy when I found out that he hadn’t told me that he had been a virgin. Post-coitally, he said “you know, that was the first time I’ve ever done that.” I said “get out.” (I would still have slept with him had I known beforehand.) > [@Stringbean](#): > > Bullshit. If you toss him out right after he admitted giving you his virginity, then it’s obviously a huge deal to you that he was a virgin. You didn’t want to deal with the baggage so you ran from it, and provide weak justification ex post facto. > > You’re exactly why the OP is neurotic about losing his virginity. Bean fight! Bean fight! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![TheBuilding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/aeb1de/32.png) [@TheBuilding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheBuilding)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/48 "2014-12-17T15:44:39Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > I really think it depends on the person, her age, her experience, etc. > > When I was 28 (and not a virgin), I dated someone who was 25 (and was a virgin). For example, you could be dating someone who’s only had one boyfriend and isn’t very experienced, at least in terms of partner numbers. She may be nervous about being with a new person, and dating a virgin could actually be a relief to her. > > Or you could be dating someone with a lot of partners who will find it odd/undesirable you’re a virgin. If she’s really going to be nasty about it, however, she’s probably not girlfriend material. > > Or maybe you just want to have fun, lose your virginity, and get your rocks off with a hottie who isn’t going to be around forever. In that case, don’t ask, don’t tell. > > So I think context is important. I was talking about telling a woman with I will hopefully have a relationship with. I imagine the scenario is we’ve been on a few dates and sex is imminent. Do I tell her or just go with the flow? ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/49 "2014-12-17T16:15:41Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > This is a perfect example of why you \*don’t \* tell. No way - it’s a perfect example of why you do tell. Because then you get to not have sex with somebody who thinks sex is dirty and wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/50 "2014-12-17T16:19:57Z")
n/m ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/51 "2014-12-17T16:30:11Z")
Here’s the thing, dating is a process of elimination. Do you really want your first time to be with a woman who would dump you for being a virgin, or see your status as “baggage” to be avoided? When you are at an intimate point with a kind, decent woman, then tell her. She will probably take it a little more seriously than she would otherwise, and may even take some effort to make it special for you. Look carefully at your poll responses. The answer from the female perspective is clear. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/52 "2014-12-17T16:30:41Z")
> [@TheBuilding](#): > > I was talking about telling a woman with I will hopefully have a relationship with. I imagine the scenario is we’ve been on a few dates and sex is imminent. Do I tell her or just go with the flow? \ You’re… I say… You’re built too low, son! I keep chuckin’ em and you keep duckin’ em! Keep your pie hole shut about it and go with the flow, son\*! \*sigh… nice kid but he’s as sharp as a bag of wet mice. \ ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/53 "2014-12-17T16:46:35Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Here’s the thing, dating is a process of elimination. Do you really want your first time to be with a woman who would dump you for being a virgin, or see your status as “baggage” to be avoided? That’s a nice kind of message for a movie, but in the real world there’s a “need to know” on lots of things. If we operate on the basis of telling people things we think might cause them to dump us (so we can eliminate them as bad people), we’d better prepare for many lonely years and not gaining much experience. > [@](#): > > Look carefully at your poll responses. The answer from the female perspective is clear. I think a lot of that is the phrasing of the OP. “Secret” is a dirty word, to women in particular IME. If we put it instead as “No need to bring it up, but if you’re nervous about sex or the topic comes up naturally, be open about it”, I’m sure that would be a very popular poll option. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/54 "2014-12-17T17:25:45Z")
Surely, it depends on why you’re a virgin. If you’re a virgin because you have strong views about the proper place of sex in a relationship, and are waiting for just the right circumstances because you want to make it special, then you’re probably looking for a woman who holds similar views, and so you should talk about it. If you’ve been trying to get into the pants of every woman you meet, and have consistently struck out for your entire life, then that’s probably not something you want to advertise, and so you probably shouldn’t talk about it unless asked. If your parents sent you to a strict single-sex boarding school and you just never had the opportunity, eh, you might as well tell: You might get a pity-screw out of it, if nothing else. ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/55 "2014-12-17T17:53:37Z")
> [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](#): > > Bean fight! Bean fight! 😃 I guess they’re not two peas in a pod. 😛 Bring it up at the appropriate time (when it’s apparent it’ll happen / when clothes start a-flyin’) & not on the first date. **Spice Weasel** was the first to say it, past experience does not necessarily translate well to the current partner as this one may dis/like \_X , or like it a slightly different way. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/56 "2014-12-17T17:56:42Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > If your parents sent you to a strict single-sex boarding school and you just never had the opportunity Wait a minute. Does it still count as being a virgin, after all the homosexual experimentation that automatically and instantly results when you’re sent to a strict single-sex boarding school? Are are the movies that I’ve been watching getting that part all wrong? ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/57 "2014-12-17T19:39:30Z")
I have no idea why you all seem to think I dumped that guy for being a virgin. I didn’t. I dumped him FOR NOT TELLING ME he was a virgin. The next guy I dated was a virgin too and it was no problem. (this was in college, btw) I’m glad I knew because he experienced a bit of “performance anxiety” at first, but that was easy enough to get past because the reason for it was clear and we could talk about it. We dated for about 6 months All this “Don’t tell her because if she known you’re a virgin she might not fuck you” is odious. If she wouldn’t fuck you if she knew, then you’re taking advantage of her ignorance. That’s not ethical or honorable. > [@TruCelt](#): > > When you are at an intimate point with a kind, decent woman, then tell her. She will probably take it a little more seriously than she would otherwise, and may even take some effort to make it special for you. > > Look carefully at your poll responses. The answer from the female perspective is clear. This, exactly. I certainly would have approached things differently with the first guy if I had known. > [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > Is there more to this story you’re not revealing here? Because this seems like a pretty extreme reaction and is very difficult to comprehend when taken at face value. Well, that was a graceful way of getting around the “you’re not allowed to call another poster a liar” rule. 😛 Of course there was a little more to the conversation than me just saying “get out,” but I’m sure you realized that. I explained exactly why I didn’t want to see him again as well. Other than that, what doesn’t ring true to you? Perhaps it’s relevant that this wasn’t really an ongoing romantic relationship, but rather an evening between friends that turned unexpectedly “interesting.” I think he wanted more than friendship/casual, and was definitely very angry with himself for not having told me. > [@Stringbean](#): > > You’re exactly why the OP is neurotic about losing his virginity. No, sweetie-bean. The OP is a virgin because he’s neurotic, not the other way around. Like TruCelt said above, the female perspective is clear in the poll. There’s nothing to be confused about. Women would rather know. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/58 "2014-12-17T19:49:03Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > I have no idea why you all seem to think I dumped that guy for being a virgin. I didn’t. I dumped him FOR NOT TELLING ME he was a virgin. Well, if you had dumped him for lying about it, that would have been one thing. But for just not mentioning it? I think that’s just about the strangest thing any of us have ever heard. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/59 "2014-12-17T19:55:58Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > All this “Don’t tell her because if she known you’re a virgin she might not fuck you” is odious. If she wouldn’t fuck you if she knew, then you’re taking advantage of her ignorance. That’s not ethical or honorable. Well, I’m sure that a lot of people wouldn’t have fucked me if they knew any number of things about me. But I’m sure as hell not volunteering a list of all my personality flaws, or shit I’ve done in the past that I’d rather they don’t know about, on the off chance that I’ll find one who’ll see past all that. Is that “taking advantage of their ignorance”, too? ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2014, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393/60 "2014-12-17T20:02:15Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Well, that was a graceful way of getting around the “you’re not allowed to call another poster a liar” rule. 😛 No, I fully believe you are telling the truth. When I say I don’t understand, I mean I don’t understand why you found this so upsetting. I guess I expected you to clarify that he had lied about it, and that you were angry that he had lied, or that he admitted to deliberately deceiving you, because I don’t understand why not telling you about his lack of experience would be a deal-breaker. There is a difference, to me, between deliberately deceiving someone and just not bringing something up. The former is odious and the latter is against my preferences but entirely forgivable. While I would prefer to know, I don’t think a guy is mandated to tell me his sexual history prior to sleeping with me, nor would I feel betrayed or angry if he decided not to tell me until afterward. My reaction would likely be, ‘‘Aww, you could have told me,’’ and, ‘‘Oh, well let’s be sure to give you plenty of practice.’’ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-male-virgins-keep-their-virginity-a-secret-from-the-women-theyre-dating/707393.md?page=4)