# Should my son be allowed to charge up food at school to any amount he wants? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 30, 2010, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543 "2010-09-30T00:57:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Lord\_Mondegreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/91b2a8/32.png) [@Lord\_Mondegreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Mondegreen)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2010, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/141 "2010-10-01T11:52:36Z")
> [@kanicbird](#): > > > [@Lord\_Mondegreen](#): > > > > He’s disobeying you and you need to find some, oh, what’s the word, punishment to make him realize he is doing the wrong thing. When I posted my first response I assumed he was about 8 years old. Now that I know he is a teenager, it’s different. > > > > He is disobeying you. He is incurring a debt. It needs to be repaid. **You** work out how to deal with it. Stop blaming the school. > > Disobeying does not equal doing something wrong. You should ask him why, and probe the social aspect, get to the heart of the matter. This may be is a great opportunity to teach him that sometimes he is right by disobeying, or at least has a justifiable answer, and open the lines of communication between him and you so he can state his mind without fear. That lesson can help him follow his dreams even though others may discourage him. > > If it is social, then perhaps help him better define his food choices, after all the cost of a school breakfast is pretty low, almost at the rate of a home breakfast. > > I am also very disappointed by the number of replies to punish him, to come down hard, without even hearing his side. Is this how you want to be treated? I’m not even going to dignify this with a complete response - others have covered it for me. He has access to a proper breakfast, his mother has told him not to buy breakfast at school. He continues to do so. Perhaps punishment is the wrong word, perhaps “taking responsibility for a debt incurred by you” is more appropriate. Either way, the kid/almost-adult needs to realize that incurring a debt means paying it back, either in cash or in kind. That’s the way the real world works. I’m sorry if your world with its pink elephants and lemonade doesn’t work that way. ---
**Author:** ![Balthisar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/balthisar/32/2825_2.png) [@Balthisar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balthisar)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2010, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/142 "2010-10-01T12:33:23Z")
There’re multiple problems. I’ll leave aside the family issues, though. If the school answers that they’re not willing to play ball by limiting or cancelling the account, try to send a scary-sounding cease and desist order. Someone earlier said, > [@Muffin](#): > > > [@handsomeharry](#): > > > > 1. Never hurts to talk to a lawyer. > > It hurts when the lawyer smacks you upside the head for wasting the lawyer’s time, or if the lawyer is of the more politically correct breed, it hurts when the lawyer sends you a rather large bill for wasting the lawyer’s time. Bar associatiations (at least in my state) have a referral system that gets you a free, 1/2 hour consultation. I know that it’s an extreme solution, but on multiple occasions I’ve spent more than I’d’ve saved just to make a point, and the point here is that the school is extending credit without your approval, without a contract, and without a choice. So, screw the school as much as you can if they won’t cooperate. > [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > > [@Dangerosa](#): > > > > Now? I went to a school that had assigned tables and seats in the 1970s. No eating with your friends, no talking over meals - lunch was to be SILENT. > > Wow! I went to elementary in the 70’s, middle and high school in the 80’s and we never had any rules like this. What an awful way to spend your lunch hour. My high school encouraged the use of the cafeteria (or in their parlance, “the Commons”) as a social gathering place. We also had an open campus, meaning that we were free to leave the school grounds during lunch. Oh, get this: students were allowed to smoke on school property at designated entrances! (And the school computer lab was also designated as a smoking area for staff.) The only downside was that the parking lot didn’t have re-entry rights, i.e., you couldn’t leave campus and come back in your car. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2010, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/143 "2010-10-01T13:27:29Z")
We give my daughter $20 per week for her breakfasts and lunches. I don’t set any rules about how she has to spend it, except to tell her that if she goes over $20 per week, it comes out of her own pocket. \* I also allow her to keep anything that she hasn’t spent.\* If she chooses to pack every day, that’s an easy $20 in her pocket every week – but she has to be discliplined enough to get up a little earlier to give her time to pack. If she choses to spend the entire $20 on grossly marked up items such as granola bars and vitamin water, and she’s done that before, she’s free to do that too. It doesn’t take her long to realize how hungry she gets when she chooses to spend her money on cool vitamin water instead of real food. Nor does it take her long to realize how quickly that $40 she earned babysitting gets eaten up with frivolous stuff. For my part, I keep the fridge and pantry stocked with lunchmeat, bread, fruit, granola bars, etc. so that when she feels inspired, she can pack. She’s free to request anything from the grocery store, too, which I’ll buy within reason. (I won’t buy Vitamin Waters. Sorry. I don’t spend money on designer water.) Some weeks she’ll pack every day. Other weeks she’ll buy every day. Currently, she’s trying to save up for an iTouch, so she’s been packing more. So she’s learning about budgeting and choices, just in a very subtle way. She’s not a lecture learner. She’s a trickle learner. So I keep trickling. 🙂 Another thing that I’ll do: I occasionally see wrappers in her backpack and will buy a box of that brand from the grocery store the next time I go. And I’ll show her the receipt and do the math about how much I paid per bar. Then I’ll ask her how much the school charges for the same thing. It’s refreshing to hear her say, "What a rip off!’ ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2010, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/144 "2010-10-01T13:30:28Z")
Which brings me to a suggestion for OpalCat: Next time you go to the grocery store, invite Dominic along. Allow him to choose some things that he can bring to school. I did this once with my younger daughter, and was surprised at her choices. Who knew she liked yogurt? (I sure don’t.) ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2010, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/145 "2010-10-01T14:07:40Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > > [@Dangerosa](#): > > > > Now? I went to a school that had assigned tables and seats in the 1970s. No eating with your friends, no talking over meals - lunch was to be SILENT. > > Wow! I went to elementary in the 70’s, middle and high school in the 80’s and we never had any rules like this. What an awful way to spend your lunch hour. It wasn’t pleasant, but I say it to illustrate that different schools have widely different policies. Of all the schools I went to, that one (which I went to from 2nd to 5th grade, was one of the strangest - I got sent home because my new shoes squeaked and walking through the hallways was disturbing other classes). So that when we say “well he could just …” (in this case ‘join the eaters as a non-eater’) maybe he can. Maybe he can’t. Opal is going to have to figure out what the school can and is willing to do for her. If they can’t or aren’t willing - or if she wants to fix it herself - she’s going to have to figure out some way to deal with it without the schools help. By high school, schools don’t tend to be in the business of babysitting (the open campus thing of the 1970s where there were student smoking areas - do you think the teachers called home to say “can Jason have a smoke?” or “Can Shelly leave campus?”). And they really shouldn’t be. The staff has too many kids and too little staff to be substitute parents for each one. ---
**Author:** ![Balthisar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/balthisar/32/2825_2.png) [@Balthisar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balthisar)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2010, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/146 "2010-10-01T14:38:36Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > (the open campus thing of the 1970s where there were student smoking areas - do you think the teachers called home to say “can Jason have a smoke?” or “Can Shelly leave campus?”). FWIW, I was talking about as late as 1990, when I graduated. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2010, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/147 "2010-10-01T14:50:06Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > > [@MsWhatsit](#): > > > > OMG how can you demand a cite when he very clearly said DEAD CHILDREN. Don’t you know that DEAD CHILDREN wins the Internet? > > That’s just speciesism. DEAD SEA KITTENS !!! wins the internet. Wait, **kanicbird** is a _“he”_? I’d always pictured a crazy cat lady with a beehive hairdo. Now I’m going to have to change my entire mental picture… Hm… I’m thinking a cross between the Numa Numa guy, the “leave Britney alone!” guy, and Kirk Cameron. ETA: And grilled DEAD SEA KITTENS are really good with a caper sauce. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2010, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/148 "2010-10-01T16:24:12Z")
I really appreciate all the replies so far. It’s given me a lot to think about. We’re still waiting to hear back from the school (we emailed and left voicemail). ---
**Author:** ![Meyer6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@Meyer6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meyer6)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2010, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/149 "2010-10-01T17:43:37Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Wow there are lots of non-parents chiming in here, or parents whose kids are grown. Aren’t you a non-parent too? > [@sugar\_and\_spice](#): > > I couldn’t imagine my parents setting rules at 15 about whether or not I could buy a muffin. > [@Cheesesteak](#): > > While children need to follow rules, at some point parents have to give up a little bit of control and let the kid decide what they want. He’s going to be old enough to drive a car in a year or so, and he can’t choose for himself whether or not to buy a muffin? This, exactly. Set him up with an allowance that allows him to pay for his lunches plus some other stuff, then just let him have the bills and wash your hands of the whole affair. If the bill is set up for direct payment from a credit card or bank account that will be a little trickier, but if there is some way to get a paper copy of the bill he can easily deal with it. I know that good parents try to instill good food choices in their kids, and that is obviously great, but I think some can really crack down too hard kids wanting to eat a little bit of food that is not great for them. Most kids, especially teenage boys, will want to eat some amount of junk food, and making it so clearly off limits is only going to give it that extra ‘forbidden fruit’ attractiveness. ---
**Author:** ![Pyper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pyper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pyper)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2010, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/150 "2010-10-02T00:55:54Z")
Well, how is he physically buying food? If he’s charging it, he must have some kind of card, right? If the school bizarrely refuses to close the account, cut up the card. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2010, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/151 "2010-10-02T01:08:05Z")
> [@Meyer6](#): > > > [@lindsaybluth](#): > > > > Wow there are lots of non-parents chiming in here, or parents whose kids are grown. > > Aren’t you a non-parent too? I have a younger brother that I spend time with every weekend that is the _same_ age as the OP’s son. In fact, I just got home from dinner with him. I’m just really tired of non parents or people who are or could be grandparents chiming in on parenting threads. Are _you_ the parent of someone in high school? ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2010, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/152 "2010-10-02T01:18:34Z")
> [@Pyper](#): > > Well, how is he physically buying food? If he’s charging it, he must have some kind of card, right? If the school bizarrely refuses to close the account, cut up the card. Probably a student body card which is needed to access other activities sometimes including being on campus. ---
**Author:** ![Ca3799](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Ca3799](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ca3799)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2010, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/153 "2010-10-02T01:32:17Z")
He’s a growing boy. They eat a lot. Let him eat. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2010, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/154 "2010-10-02T02:35:08Z")
> [@Pyper](#): > > Well, how is he physically buying food? If he’s charging it, he must have some kind of card, right? If the school bizarrely refuses to close the account, cut up the card. Probably not a physical card. My kids punch a code into a keypad when they buy their lunches. > [@Ca3799](#): > > He’s a growing boy. They eat a lot. Let him eat. Uh, are you missing that he’s spending his _mother’s_ money on junk food, exceeding whatever food allowance she has set up, and at cafeteria prices vs. packing food from home? and disobeying a direct order from Mom to not go into DEBT for his junk food fix??? The boy isn’t literally starving. Mom would buy him any (reasonable) food to keep at home. Mom could even come to an arrangement where he had a certain amount to spend on discretionary stuff. The problem is that the school is letting him spend more than he’s got on account, without any checks and balances, therefore he’s got no incentive to live with any limits. ---
**Author:** ![moi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@moi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moi)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2010, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/155 "2010-10-02T03:25:57Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > I have a younger brother that I spend time with every weekend that is the _same_ age as the OP’s son. In fact, I just got home from dinner with him. I’m just really tired of non parents or people who are or could be grandparents chiming in on parenting threads. Are _you_ the parent of someone in high school? Not to disparage the time you spend with your brother, linsdaybluth, but it’s just not the same as parenting a child. I’m uniquely qualified to say so: My brother is 17 years my junior, and I was in the big sister role until he turned 11 and our mother died. So, since 2006, I’ve shifted from sister to parent. These things are NOT the same. Not even remotely. In no way am I even questioning your ability to respond to the OP or the relevance of your suggestions (in fact, I thought a lot of what you recommended was great), but I do find it to be ridiculous for you to be calling out people about giving parenting advice when your qualification is “I’m a very good sister. I spend time with a kid of high school age.” Anyway, to the OP: (Hi, Opal!) While, on one hand, I love the idea that schools will feed any kid that asks for a meal (many families/communities need this level of support), I also think it’s unfortunate that they stick you with the bill and seem to give you no control over his spending. At my brother’s middle school, we had a lot more control over the total amount spent and the food he bought. Hopefully the school can support you, but the they’re really only a secondary problem. I think you need to learn more about why Dominic is making these choices and go from there; if there’s some sort of reasoning you can work with, you can be clear about not approving his disobeying you, but still working out a compromise; if he’s just not caring what your rules are, well, then, you may need to be a lot firmer and invoke punishment and consequences. A 15yo who doesn’t follow your rules or respect your authority can get into a lot more trouble now and in the coming years than a few bucks worth of muffins. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2010, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/156 "2010-10-02T03:50:13Z")
> [@Pyper](#): > > Well, how is he physically buying food? If he’s charging it, he must have some kind of card, right? If the school bizarrely refuses to close the account, cut up the card. He has a 5 digit number he punches in. ---
**Author:** ![Meyer6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@Meyer6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meyer6)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2010, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/157 "2010-10-02T04:00:28Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > > [@Meyer6](#): > > > > Aren’t you a non-parent too? > > I have a younger brother that I spend time with every weekend that is the _same_ age as the OP’s son. In fact, I just got home from dinner with him. I’m just really tired of non parents or people who are or could be grandparents chiming in on parenting threads. Are _you_ the parent of someone in high school? No, I’m not - I’m basing my opinions on my memories of being a teenager myself, as well as interaction with teenagers such as my cousins or friends kids. While I respect that there are certain things that parents experience that childless people don’t, I don’t see why we can’t all share our opinions and ideas - isn’t that why the OP started the thread? I also don’t see how spending time with your little brother, especially on the weekend (ie, when he’s not going to school) really elevates your opinion over others. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2010, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/158 "2010-10-02T04:09:16Z")
> [@OpalCat](#): > > He has a 5 digit number he punches in. Then all you have to do is lop off one digit so that he can’t punch in the number. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2010, 10:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/159 "2010-10-02T10:51:33Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > I have a younger brother that I spend time with every weekend that is the _same_ age as the OP’s son. In fact, I just got home from dinner with him. I’m just really tired of non parents or people who are or could be grandparents chiming in on parenting threads. Are _you_ the parent of someone in high school? I’ll bet that every single person offering advice on this thread has spent time with a teenager the \*exact same age \*as the OP. In fact, some may have even _dined_ with a 15 year old. Heck, I’ll go on record to having DATED a 15 year old. Since that extensive life experience satisfies your own stringent criteria for dispensing parenting advice, I think you should stifle your criticism before you begin to look a tad foolish. ---
**Author:** ![Ca3799](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Ca3799](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ca3799)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2010, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543/160 "2010-10-02T11:02:20Z")
Uh, are you missing that he’s spending his _mother’s_ money on junk food, exceeding whatever food allowance she has set up, and at cafeteria prices vs. packing food from home? and disobeying a direct order from Mom to not go into DEBT for his junk food fix??? The boy isn’t literally starving. Mom would buy him any (reasonable) food to keep at home. Mom could even come to an arrangement where he had a certain amount to spend on discretionary stuff. The problem is that the school is letting him spend more than he’s got on account, without any checks and balances, therefore he’s got no incentive to live with any limits. [/QUOTE] No, I didn’t miss any of that. It’s an additional 6 bucks a week. You don’t know if it’s junk food. $1.25 for a breakfast is a not unreasonable price for a meal, and his mom should give him the extra 6 bucks. He’s a growing boy, they eat a lot, and he may enjoy having a meal with friends at school. He might like sweet rolls. So what? If the extra 6 bucks to feed a kid is gonna break your finances, well, then, you’ve got big problems. Mom should just increase his meal budget. Obviously he’s hungry. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-son-be-allowed-to-charge-up-food-at-school-to-any-amount-he-wants/555543.md?page=9)