Should my son be allowed to charge up food at school to any amount he wants?

[OpalCat]

@Rhiannon8404

The whole rest of the discussion aside, I agree that this is a stupid policy. I mentioned earlier that my son’s school lets you go 2 or 3 meals in the hole and then you get pb&j or a plain cheese sandwich free of charge if you are hungry. Much better policy.

This was the policy at his school in Cleveland as well, and it made much more sense.

@needscoffee

In our huge school district, as soon as the balance gets below $5, an auto dialer calls the home with a recorded announcement that the balance is low. It’s presumed that the family has an answering machine and a current phone number on file. Does your school? Could your son be intercepting the call?

The only phones we have are our cell phones. The school has my number and I get calls from them from time to time, but never about his meals.

@Girl_From_Mars

Could you simply change the bank account the meals are charged to, and set one up in his name? Put in his $20 or whatever amount per week and say that’s his allowance for everything (food, entertainment etc). What he chooses to spend on school meals is less to spend on other things. This (plus giving him healthy options for free at home) may encourage him to reconsider what he spends at school while giving him some responsibility.

Additionally, when you’ve discussed the rule breaking with him, Opal - what does he say? Why is he doing this when you’ve asked him not to?

As has been said, it isn’t connected to a bank account–we send in a check to prepay for a certain time period. When asked he doesn’t say much. He’s very good at stonewalling when he doesn’t think we’ll like what he has to say.

@Sarahfeena

I think there are several layers to this problem, each of which have to be considered. First, there is the fact that your son is spending money that doesn’t belong to him. I think the solution to that is to charge him for it. Everything he spends that isn’t on lunch, he pays for from his allowance or by working it off around the house.

Second, there’s the issue of eating junk food. He’s 15 years old, and you can’t control what he eats anymore. You can insist he eat a healthy breakfast before he leaves the house, but you can’t police it every minute of the day. You need to let go of that a little, I think, or you will drive yourself crazy (and him, too).

Which leads to the third problem…the lying. This is the touchiest area, and I’m going to say something that people probably won’t agree with, but…I think these kinds of lies aren’t that serious. And, quite frankly, I think he was driven to it a little bit. Kids his age need some autonomy, and if they aren’t given any, they’ll lie to get it. It’s not that unusual, and it’s not the end of the world. I’m not saying you don’t need to give him limits, you obviously do. But whether or not he’s allowed to eat a muffin is not the place to draw a hard line.

So, if I were you, I’d just let him know the things you are willing to pay for (you can say no junk at lunchtime, too, if you want), and he can make the choice as to whatever else he wants to buy, but he’s got to pay for it. Now he’s got no reason to lie, and you don’t have to pay for the stuff you don’t want to endorse.

You make some good points. He is definitely going to have to pay for breakfasts if they are purchased.

As an aside, since several people have mentioned it… he isn’t one of those ravenously hungry kids. He hasn’t hit his growth spurt yet. He’s 5’3" and 98lbs and frequently says he’s full before he finishes a meal. I don’t expect that to last or anything, but for now he isn’t hungry all the time. Also, he has time in the mornings to eat, he’s just lazy about fixing himself a meal. I am not awake at that time because It’s rare that I am able to fall asleep before 4am, but my husband is usually up. He’s also not very good about his choices. One of his most common meals is a sandwich. Generally peanut butter. This is fine with us. However we caught him making chocolate syrup on English muffins last year (he went through almost the whole bottle before we figured out what was happening). He’ll cook himself some eggs sometimes, but more often he has a cup of tea and a sandwich or a bowl of cereal for breakfast.

[Sarahfeena]

@OpalCat

@Sarahfeena

I think there are several layers to this problem, each of which have to be considered. First, there is the fact that your son is spending money that doesn’t belong to him. I think the solution to that is to charge him for it. Everything he spends that isn’t on lunch, he pays for from his allowance or by working it off around the house.

Second, there’s the issue of eating junk food. He’s 15 years old, and you can’t control what he eats anymore. You can insist he eat a healthy breakfast before he leaves the house, but you can’t police it every minute of the day. You need to let go of that a little, I think, or you will drive yourself crazy (and him, too).

Which leads to the third problem…the lying. This is the touchiest area, and I’m going to say something that people probably won’t agree with, but…I think these kinds of lies aren’t that serious. And, quite frankly, I think he was driven to it a little bit. Kids his age need some autonomy, and if they aren’t given any, they’ll lie to get it. It’s not that unusual, and it’s not the end of the world. I’m not saying you don’t need to give him limits, you obviously do. But whether or not he’s allowed to eat a muffin is not the place to draw a hard line.

So, if I were you, I’d just let him know the things you are willing to pay for (you can say no junk at lunchtime, too, if you want), and he can make the choice as to whatever else he wants to buy, but he’s got to pay for it. Now he’s got no reason to lie, and you don’t have to pay for the stuff you don’t want to endorse.

You make some good points. He is definitely going to have to pay for breakfasts if they are purchased.

As an aside, since several people have mentioned it… he isn’t one of those ravenously hungry kids. He hasn’t hit his growth spurt yet. He’s 5’3" and 98lbs and frequently says he’s full before he finishes a meal. I don’t expect that to last or anything, but for now he isn’t hungry all the time. Also, he has time in the mornings to eat, he’s just lazy about fixing himself a meal. I am not awake at that time because It’s rare that I am able to fall asleep before 4am, but my husband is usually up. He’s also not very good about his choices. One of his most common meals is a sandwich. Generally peanut butter. This is fine with us. However we caught him making chocolate syrup on English muffins last year (he went through almost the whole bottle before we figured out what was happening). He’ll cook himself some eggs sometimes, but more often he has a cup of tea and a sandwich or a bowl of cereal for breakfast.

OK, forget about the healthy breakfast then. I still say it won’t kill him make those bad choices, teenagers are going to do that. You can’t supervise him 24/7, nor would you want to, and actually if you have whole grain bread, a PB sandwich isn’t a bad breakfast at all. One thing I forgot to mention in my earlier post is that I wouldn’t make this about the school’s policy, it’s not relevant to your problem. You could be having this problem with…I don’t know, going over on his cell phone minutes, or not returning all the change when he runs to the store for you, or whatever it is. There’s oh so many ways teens find a way to get what they want in sneaky ways…we’ve all done it, and arguing with the school about it isn’t going to fix that. I would let the issue drop at school, and just police the record online of what he buys.

Oh, and BTW…my kids are 6 and 3, so in about 10 years feel free to dig up this thread and throw my advice back in my face. I’m dealing with potty training and temper tantrums now so what do I know?

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

@OpalCat

When asked he doesn’t say much. He’s very good at stonewalling when he doesn’t think we’ll like what he has to say.

That’s kids for you; I deal with that all the time (but not from all kids, of course). The solution is to make conversation be the only way out of the hole. When you find out the kid’s screwed up, you make the consequences clear, and offer them a conversation as a way to ameliorate the situation (or, preferably, as a way of figuring out how to prevent it from happening again). They certainly don’t have to talk with you; they can choose to take the worst version of the consequences, and they can choose not to figure out how to avoid it next time, and you have to be okay with their making that choice, and follow through with it. But if they choose to talk with you, then they can start making things better for themselves.

With stonewallers, it’s a long, arduous process, I find, sometimes taking many weeks before they’ll believe me that a) they don’t have to talk with me and b) if they do, things get better. But it’s worth it.