# Should my uncle be banned from family events **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 8, 2008, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832 "2008-11-08T18:14:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/21 "2008-11-08T19:36:40Z")
Keep him around so the other kids can see that dickheads really do exist. Banning the uncle is really no different from banning books you find offensive or alcohol. All it does is remove an experience factor that will later on be used when making decisions on their own behavior. Pretending shit like that doesn’t exist doesn’t help. But exposing others to it allows them to form responses to it in their own minds so that when they’re confronted with it later in life they don’t just stare dumbfounded. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/22 "2008-11-08T20:18:20Z")
> [@Jesus\_Harold\_Christ](#): > > I am not comfortable calling him a jackass or idiot in front his kids. Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize they were _his_ kids. I thought he did that in front of _your_ kids, which is an entirely different matter. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/23 "2008-11-08T20:22:42Z")
> [@Influential\_Panda](#): > > Let him stay. Everyone needs a crazy uncle to ruin Thanksgiving. It’s tradition. > > Seriously, though, you’re way overreacting. You can’t lay down probation on a grown ass man. Tell him to watch it around the kids or tell him he’s not welcome, but “probation” is such a whiny, passive aggressive half-assed attempt at asserting dominance that he’d (rightly) laugh in your face for trying it. And by passive aggressive I would point out your name and previous posts indicate your opinion of religion in general. If you’re doing this at family gatherings then you’re breaking the rule of leaving politics and religion at the door. You could be passive aggressively starting the whole thing without realizing it. ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/24 "2008-11-08T20:33:44Z")
> [@capybara](#): > > Why not instead do damage control on the kids, make it a learning moment? I was just going to say the same thing. It’s a teaching moment, and you can’t thought-protect your kids forever. You can teach them though. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/25 "2008-11-08T20:41:28Z")
> [@Jesus\_Harold\_Christ](#): > > The joke was what do President Kennedy and Obama have in common? Answer: nothing yet. That’s actually pretty funny. Tasteless, but funny. ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Tonya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/4491bb/32.png) [@Queen\_Tonya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Tonya)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/26 "2008-11-08T20:46:24Z")
Banning him would mean banning his kids from family events most likely, so you’re not comfortable dressing him down in front of them but you’re okay with the idea of depriving _them_ of extended family? His kids need to see that behavior responded to more than any other kidlets there, they need to know it’s not acceptable or funny and you should speak up immediately. The older my father gets, the more bigoted and racist he’s become. A few years ago we had a huge argument that ended with me quite plainly telling him those views could not be expressed around my family, period. We’re a very close family, but there’s no way I’m going to let crap like that go unchallenged around my son, if he sees me permitting it he’s not going to grow up thinking “Mom sure was respectful of her father” but instead “Everyone really thinks that way, even if Gramps was the only one with the balls to say it aloud.” That’s not an okay thing, so I let him know that we would simply not be a part of their lives if he couldn’t stop with the hateful bigotry when we’re around. I figure I might have lost that one had it not been for my mom, she’s fairly passive and non-confrontational about most stuff, but there’s no way she’d let my Dad run us off. ---
**Author:** ![1010011010](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/ea666f/32.png) [@1010011010](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/1010011010)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/27 "2008-11-08T20:53:07Z")
> [@Jesus\_Harold\_Christ](#): > > My uncle told an offensive, racist joke at a birthday party. The joke was heard by children. I think he should be banned from Thanksgiving and then put on zero tolerance probation for three years. Some think this is too harsh. > > What is your view? If you want the kids to get the right message about race relations, segregating flks based on whether you approve of them isn’t the best way to go about it. Call him out on it whenever it happens. Make him explain the joke and why it’s funny. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/28 "2008-11-08T21:05:00Z")
I think bannings should be reserved for Very Serious Fuck-Ups. Like acts of sexual/physical abuse or major thievery. I would also ban a family member if they were intentionally cruel to my children or ever engaged in criminal activity in front of them. In these cases, there would be no gentle talking-to’s or negotiation. They would be gone. But in the case of the racist uncle in the OP? I don’t understand why the family can’t just tell him to shut the fuck up. And if that’s too harsh, just ignore him. He’ll get the message one day. I mean, you don’t have to like him or anything, but banning him is like curing a headache with a gunshot instead of an aspirin. My father used to spew anti-Semitic crap all the time. Not jokes, but actual slurs. I’ve always had Jewish friends and associates, so I wasn’t amused at all. One day, I got all emotional about it (crying) and he has since then curtailed his behavior. At least when I’m around. So sometimes saying something does make a difference. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/29 "2008-11-08T21:06:30Z")
I also have the right to invite whom I want to my home. If a relative is offensive, disrupts the time together and is generally unpleasant that is reason enough to decline inviting him. Only the OP knows if the Uncle’s behavior has reached that point or if they still enjoy his company. If so, then it is legit to ask him from to refrain from making jokes like that if it bothers you in your home. ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/30 "2008-11-08T21:09:03Z")
> [@Jesus\_Harold\_Christ](#): > > I think he should be banned from Thanksgiving and then put on zero tolerance probation for three years. I think your family has greater problems if the punishment you propose were to be accepted by your family. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/31 "2008-11-08T21:11:46Z")
Rational adults handle problems by communicating. Anyone try this yet? ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Gay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3ab097/32.png) [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/32 "2008-11-08T21:44:36Z")
> [@InvisibleWombat](#): > > I don’t believe in giving people a free pass to act as they wish when they drink too much. You are responsible for your actions whether you’re drinking or not–and if you drink too much, you’re responsible for that, too. > . Nor do I. But I do draw a distinction between someone who acts inappropriately all the time vs someone who was a first time offender. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/33 "2008-11-08T21:50:17Z")
> [@Jesus\_Harold\_Christ](#): > > There is no question he intended the kids to hear it. His own kids found it funny and had heard it before. > > The other problem is that when he got challenged on his joke, he got offended and said nobody could tell him what to think. > The joke was what do President Kennedy and Obama have in common? Answer: nothing yet. Eh. It’s about as funny and equally tasteless as your misogynist thread starting joke in MPSIMS. ---
**Author:** ![SandyHook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dec6dc/32.png) [@SandyHook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SandyHook)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/34 "2008-11-08T21:55:25Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > I think you are the one who should stay away. > The problem isn’t that the joke was racist. > The problem is you. Yeah, I’m rather leaning this way also. If you’re that easily offended maybe you need to rethink some things. ---
**Author:** ![SandyHook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dec6dc/32.png) [@SandyHook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SandyHook)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/35 "2008-11-08T22:03:59Z")
I find your name, Jesus Harold Christ, to be insulting to Christians (of which I’m not one). The insult in it is much worse than that in the joke, which was funny. Think maybe I’ll change my name to Joe, Blows Pigs, Muhammad. If you can insult Christians, then I should be able to insult Moslems. Yeah, the problem is you. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/36 "2008-11-08T22:09:00Z")
I can’t tell - is this your house you are talking about? If so, you can not invite anyone you want. If you are a guest in someone else’s house, all you get to decide is if you will attend or not. ---
**Author:** ![KarmaComa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e36b37/32.png) [@KarmaComa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarmaComa)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/37 "2008-11-08T22:11:57Z")
Jesus H. Christ, you sure are a busybody! ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/38 "2008-11-08T22:14:30Z")
I vote for a moratorium on political discussions at family gatherings. 99 times out of 100, discussing politics with extended family = FAIL. Pick up one of the many books on making small talk and set an example for all the kids about getting along with people who have different beliefs than you do. Talk sports, play neutral games like Yahtzee and Boggle, watch feel-good movies, cook complicated stuff. In all seriousness, I’d let uncle know his comment wasn’t welcome and that there would be no discussion of politics at Thanksgiving and that he should only come if he is OK with that. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/39 "2008-11-08T22:18:01Z")
I think the joke in the OP was mild and not racist. Kennedy was white after all. I wouldn’t think twice about it and 3 years zero tolerance is so over the top it is laughable. You would probably want to execute my grandfather. However, there is another class of jokes that are so brutally offensive that they actually make fun of the situation and the person telling the joke. This includes holocaust jokes, racist jokes, ant-feminist jokes, dead baby jokes and many others. We have even shared them in threads here without being banned. This gem actually made me laugh out loud: > [@Paul in Saudi](#): > > She would get me an Obama Christmas tree ornament. She said everyone needs a nigger hanging from a tree. ---
**Author:** ![CutterJohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/91b2a8/32.png) [@CutterJohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CutterJohn)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2008, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832/40 "2008-11-08T22:33:38Z")
> [@Jesus\_Harold\_Christ](#): > > The subtext is that he is going to be and should be killed because he is black–like thise Jesse Jackson being elected and killed jokes. I’ve heard that very same joke, except it was about Clinton. And a few years later, Bush. Its not a racist joke, its a political joke. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-uncle-be-banned-from-family-events/471832.md?page=3)