# Should my wife report this guy? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 16, 2011, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137 "2011-11-16T17:08:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2011, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/101 "2011-11-19T20:06:33Z")
Did he roll the ball backwards? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2011, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/102 "2011-11-19T20:18:44Z")
> [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](#): > > I still cannot lock a bathroom door, I won’t even close it properly if I can get away with it. It was my dream that someone would force their way in while my dad was in there with me, but it never happened. > > Poor kid. I’m _sorry_, **Bam Boo Gut**. So sorry. If you were ever in my home you could leave the door wide open, promise. ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2011, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/103 "2011-11-19T20:53:24Z")
Seriously, **Incubus**? I hope you and your wife have made some calls at the very least by now. Update, please. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2011, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/104 "2011-11-19T20:56:30Z")
> [@CBEscapee](#): > > In Mexican culture we do not have a tendency to look the other way. All people are individuals and react in their own way. Some people report abuse, others don’t. Public service announcements on television give toll free hot line numbers to report such activity. > > How many times does one read of cases in the US where family members do not report abuse happening inside their own homes? Does that mean there is an American tendency to not report abuse? > > Why are Americans so willing to believe any kind of negative accusations made about Mexico and Mexicans? I don’t know that we all believed it, but there is the assumption that if someone says " in x culture y is done" they are speaking authoritatively as a member of that culture so extra weight is given to their assertion. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2011, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/105 "2011-11-19T21:03:27Z")
**astro** ’s assessment is reasonable and correct. ---
**Author:** ![PotLuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@PotLuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PotLuck)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2011, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/106 "2011-11-19T21:15:24Z")
> [@astro](#): > > I don’t know that we all believed it, but there is the assumption that if someone says " in x culture y is done" they are speaking authoritatively as a member of that culture so extra weight is given to their assertion. Perv was beaten and evicted when previously found pawing at young girls, and Grandma confronted Perv about his locked-door sessions and then mentioned them to someone else. This family was Mexican when all that happened, yes? These facts make the assertion that Mexicans are generally “apathetic about stuff like abuse” seem even more offensive than it would be on its own. So, have the authorities been called on Perv? Update, please! ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2011, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/107 "2011-11-19T21:17:05Z")
> [@AuntiePam](#): > > If this doesn’t force someone to make the call, I don’t know what will. ☹ Sad. I’m sorry **Incubus** that you find yourself in this uncomfortable position and you don’t have the names and addresses yet. I’m certainly not a crusader for victims of abuse either, but I really hope you follow through. \*\*Troppus \*\* It took me a while to work out what was going on there. Your mind files a lot of unpleasant stuff so you don’t remember why you have a certain feeling but you’re left with the odd little quirk. I’m not a kid anymore, that can never happen to me again etc etc. ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2011, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/108 "2011-11-19T21:18:46Z")
> [@astro](#): > > I don’t know that we all believed it, but there is the assumption that if someone says " in x culture y is done" they are speaking authoritatively as a member of that culture so extra weight is given to their assertion. Actually I didn’t take this at face value and was tempted to ask “cite?” but thought that might be jerkish. However even if it is, assuming the OP and the child in question are in the U.S. and not Mexico, sexual molestation of a child is a crime here, an abhorrent act, and I believe any sensible and compassionate adult, no matter where they’re from, has a moral and ethical duty to report abhorrent crimes, if not a legal one. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2011, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/109 "2011-11-19T21:28:46Z")
Can’t you both go have a nice visit to grandma’s house, at a time when this will be going on? The holidays are coming, and all that shit. Bust down the door and then, when you see what’s going on, call 911. _You don’t need to know her name to report this._ ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2011, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/110 "2011-11-19T21:57:22Z")
How many more times has this girl been raped while you both shuffle your feet? Have fun living with that. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2011, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/111 "2011-11-19T22:45:04Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Not to sidetrack the current thread but how would the above scenario ever happen? In the real world for an absentee father coming back into the picture to get sole custody from the bio-mom you’d practically have to have the police arrest the mother for cooking crank in her bathtub while the kid assists her. The scenario you outlined makes no sense unless the mother was into some very questionable stuff. It is actually incredibly common for a protective parent to lose custody to the abuser. You see, the protective parent has reported that the child was abused while in his/her custody. The court has determined that the abuser can not be proven guilty, and must therefore be assumed innocent. So you’ve got an innocent abuser, and a protective parent who has admitted to “neglect”. Abuser gets custody. Those of you having trouble with this need to google “Child sex abuse custody” and do some reading. The world does not work the way you think it does, and more people need to educate themselves about what happens to protective parents. Protective parents who do not have hard evidence are ordered by the courts to deliver their children to the abusers home for visitation. If, knowing the child will be raped, they refuse to do so, they will go to jail for refusing to comply with a court order, and lose custody to the abuser. If they run, (anywhere in the civilised world thanks to the Haight convention,) they will lose custody to the abuser. If they so much as hint, at any point in the process that they might not be supportive of the abuser having a close relationship with the child, they will lose custody to the abuser. So, you deliver your child up to be raped two days out of every fourteen, or you let the child be in danger every day. This is a choice that protective parents make across the USA every day. And in most cases law enforcement and CPS have never even investigated the case. It is nearly impossible to get them invovled. None of this is meant to excuse Incubus and his wife delaying this report, however. I’m saying that you have to be brave, and you to think it through and the odds are against you. As a human, you \*\*still have an obligation to act quickly and decisively. \*\* ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/112 "2011-11-20T03:20:09Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > It is actually incredibly common for a protective parent to lose custody to the abuser. You see, the protective parent has reported that the child was abused while in his/her custody. The court has determined that the abuser can not be proven guilty, and must therefore be assumed innocent. > > So you’ve got an innocent abuser, and a protective parent who has admitted to “neglect”. Abuser gets custody. > > Those of you having trouble with this need to google “Child sex abuse custody” and do some reading. The world does not work the way you think it does, and more people need to educate themselves about what happens to protective parents. > > Protective parents who do not have hard evidence are ordered by the courts to deliver their children to the abusers home for visitation. If, knowing the child will be raped, they refuse to do so, they will go to jail for refusing to comply with a court order, and lose custody to the abuser. If they run, (anywhere in the civilised world thanks to the Haight convention,) they will lose custody to the abuser. If they so much as hint, at any point in the process that they might not be supportive of the abuser having a close relationship with the child, they will lose custody to the abuser. > > So, you deliver your child up to be raped two days out of every fourteen, or you let the child be in danger every day. This is a choice that protective parents make across the USA every day. > > And in most cases law enforcement and CPS have never even investigated the case. It is nearly impossible to get them invovled. > > None of this is meant to excuse Incubus and his wife delaying this report, however. I’m saying that you have to be brave, and you to think it through and the odds are against you. As a human, you \*\*still have an obligation to act quickly and decisively. \*\* I’m not sure your "google ‘Child sex abuse custody’ " recommendation helps your argument. The first site that pops up [is this](http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/ap.html) which indicates the large majority of sex abuse accusations against the non custodial parent during custody disputes are without basis, and are largely vindictive ploys to manipulate access to the child by making false accusations. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/113 "2011-11-20T03:41:55Z")
> [@chiroptera](#): > > Seriously, **Incubus**? > > I hope you and your wife have made some calls at the very least by now. > Update, please. That’s what they might have been doing while people were making these posts. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/114 "2011-11-20T07:04:36Z")
By “get the ball rolling” it seems to mean, “get names and addresses” before calling the cops. You do need to tell them where to go. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/115 "2011-11-20T08:30:55Z")
Actually, she knows grandma’s name and the town. The cops can figure out the rest. What the hell? They’re all in the same family! ---
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 9:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/116 "2011-11-20T09:10:37Z")
Jesus, I’m reading through all this hoping at some point I’ll see that Incubus has made the damn call. It doesn’t matter WHO makes the call as long as someone does. CPS and the like are places where you make that call anonymously anyway. They don’t ask for your name. I hope to hell he’s over there handling it right now, or at least that one of them has called. This is just awful. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 10:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/117 "2011-11-20T10:55:58Z")
> [@astro](#): > > I’m not sure your "google ‘Child sex abuse custody’ " recommendation helps your argument. The first site that pops up [is this](http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/ap.html) which indicates the\*\* large majority of sex abuse accusations against the non custodial parent during custody disputes are without basis\*\*, and are largely vindictive ploys to manipulate access to the child by making false accusations. Uh, no. Your link says that only 1.3% of accusations by Mothers were deemed intentionally false. 21% of accusations by Fathers were deemed intentionally false. It also says that this is based upon the judges opinions. By the very nature of it, having excluded criminal and child protection cases, this study is useless. Anythign that has actual hard proof available is excluded. This is an opinion poll. But it’s worth noting that the law enforcement and CPS professionals I encountered stated that between 80-90% of allegations are intentionally false. I haven’t read the whole thing, but the first five studies do not support your claim. \*\*I want to apologize for this hijack of a very important thread. This is the last post I’ll make on this topic, but if soemone wants to start another thread on it I hope you’ll point me to it. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 11:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/118 "2011-11-20T11:04:27Z")
Given her profession and area of study, isn’t the OP’s wife a designated reporter - i.e. she is required by law to report the situation? ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/119 "2011-11-20T13:29:19Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > Given her profession and area of study, isn’t the OP’s wife a designated reporter - i.e. she is required by law to report the situation? > [@Incubus](#): > > …Shes not currently working for CPS and isnt a mandated reporter… Afraid not, it seems, assuming that Incubus is correct in saying that a CPS agent ceases to be a mandated reporter when they stop working for CPS. ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/120 "2011-11-20T13:33:10Z")
I sure wonder how old this girl is. Is she old enough to be talked to? Has anyone asked _her_ what goes on in that room or is every one just accepting his refusal to answer. And mom and/or grandma suspect something enough to ask him about it, but not enough to get the girl out of his reach? I’m shaking my head at this sort of behavior. I hope someone is taking steps with this girls welfare in mind. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137.md?page=7)