# Should my wife report this guy? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 16, 2011, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137 "2011-11-16T17:08:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/121 "2011-11-20T13:38:25Z")
> [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](#): > > I sure wonder how old this girl is. Is she old enough to be talked to? Has anyone asked _her_ what goes on in that room or is every one just accepting his refusal to answer. > . FWIW, I was physically (not sexually) abused by a step-parent when I was a kid, and lied my ass off about it whenever anyone asked where the bruises came from, etc. It wasn’t discovered until my mom actually witnessed a beating. The abuser had told me that if I told anyone what was happening, he’d throw me into the river, and I believed him. I was 6-7 years old or so. (Not posting this for sympathy; I’m fine and it was a long time ago. Just pointing out that asking the kid directly may not get a very truthful answer.) ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/122 "2011-11-20T14:09:33Z")
Oh, I understand that. I hid the truth of my minor abuse too because he said he’d shoot my mom. But, I might have found a way to give a hint to anyone that actually asked if something was going on. Not there were really ever any signs of anything going on in my situation. But for them not to even be asking the girl? With this much evidence of possible wrong doing, that’s the part I’m baffled by. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/123 "2011-11-21T14:28:20Z")
My wife had called it in. They said because it is hearsay, theres nothing they could do about it unfortunately. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/124 "2011-11-21T14:29:30Z")
> [@Incubus](#): > > My wife had called it in. They said because it is hearsay, theres nothing they could do about it unfortunately. Do you live in the same town as the girl? Can you go over there and try to figure out what’s going on exactly? ---
**Author:** ![Soylent\_Juicy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@Soylent\_Juicy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soylent_Juicy)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/125 "2011-11-21T14:39:13Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > Do you live in the same town as the girl? Can you go over there and try to figure out what’s going on exactly? Do we already know the girl’s age? Is it possible for someone, say your wife, to go over there and take her out for a few hours just to “hang out” and see if she can glean any information or see how the kid reacts when asked what she and her stepdad do when they’re together? Why on earth hasn’t anybody approached the child in question?! ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/126 "2011-11-21T14:52:54Z")
> [@Soylent\_Juicy](#): > > Do we already know the girl’s age? Is it possible for someone, say your wife, to go over there and take her out for a few hours just to “hang out” and see if she can glean any information or see how the kid reacts when asked what she and her stepdad do when they’re together? Why on earth hasn’t anybody approached the child in question?! It sounds like the OP and his wife aren’t overly concerned about this. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/127 "2011-11-21T15:23:54Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > It sounds like the OP and his wife aren’t overly concerned about this. I’m not sure that’s a fair statement. He was concerned enough to post here for advice. She was concerned enough to call and report it. The info in **TruCelt’s** post #111 and the OP’s post #123 suggest that getting satisfactory official action on this type of situation can be much harder than we might think. It appears that the authorities might do something if the grandmother reported what she’s seen (though that’s not necessarily a sure bet), but it also appears that convincing her to report it won’t be so easy either. I hate to think about what’s probably happening here, and find it quite frustrating that the system doesn’t work well to address it, but I see no value in disparaging people who have expressed concern and taken steps for not expressing “enough” concern or taking “enough” steps. What would you have them do? ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/128 "2011-11-21T15:29:10Z")
> [@Gary\_T](#): > > What would you have them do? I, and many others, have suggested going to the house and talking to the grandmother and the girl and try to assess the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/129 "2011-11-21T15:31:16Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > I, and many others, have suggested going to the house and talking to the grandmother and the girl and try to assess the situation. Yes, I also put in my vote for this. I haven’t posted but I’ve been following this thread with some measure of anxiety. Please go to the house. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/130 "2011-11-21T15:46:50Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > I, and many others, have suggested going to the house and talking to the grandmother and the girl and try to assess the situation. And maybe that’s the ideal thing to do. Or maybe, that will have the unintended effect of alerting the perp to where he convincingly threatens the grandmother and the girl even more firmly into silence, and/or tightens up his method so that the grandmother (and any authorities) won’t be able to witness anything in the future. The OP’s wife is in a position to know how these things work (or don’t work). Just maybe she has the knowledge and judgment to figure out what’s likely to help, and what’s likely to exacerbate the situation. I don’t think we here in cyberspace know enough about the entirety of the matter to fairly condemn the OP and his wife for not doing what we hope – but do not KNOW – would rectify things. What if they do what we suggest and it unfortunately does make it worse somehow? Do you know with absolute certainty that that won’t be the outcome? I certainly don’t think that I’m in a position to second-guess their judgment. ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/131 "2011-11-21T15:51:35Z")
> [@Incubus](#): > > My wife had called it in. They said because it is hearsay, theres nothing they could do about it unfortunately. I have a really, REALLY, EXTREMELY hard time believing this. I’ve seen people have CPS show up on their doorstep for complete BS reasons. I just can’t buy any authorities going “yeah, you “heard” some kid is getting raped but unfortunately we gotta have more than that.” ---
**Author:** ![Soylent\_Juicy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@Soylent\_Juicy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soylent_Juicy)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/132 "2011-11-21T16:20:32Z")
> [@PandaBear77](#): > > I have a really, REALLY, EXTREMELY hard time believing this. > > I’ve seen people have CPS show up on their doorstep for complete BS reasons. Me too. I know someone who had CAS show up at their house because somebody complained that their child was outside rollerblading without supervision, and someone else who had CAS show up because their 4 kids were outside playing “…and we’ve also been told that you don’t walk your children to school.” The school is literally half a block away. One would hope that “A little girl is spending time in a locked bedroom with her stepfather and neither of them will say what goes on in there and the stepfather has a history of molesting” would warrent SOME KIND of response. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/133 "2011-11-21T16:33:34Z")
> [@PandaBear77](#): > > I’ve seen people have CPS show up on their doorstep for complete BS reasons. I just can’t buy any authorities going “yeah, you “heard” some kid is getting raped but unfortunately we gotta have more than that.” > [@Soylent\_Juicy](#): > > Me too. I know someone who had CAS show up at their house because somebody complained that their child was outside rollerblading without supervision, and someone else who had CAS show up because their 4 kids were outside playing “…and we’ve also been told that you don’t walk your children to school.” The school is literally half a block away. > > One would hope that “A little girl is spending time in a locked bedroom with her stepfather and neither of them will say what goes on in there and the stepfather has a history of molesting” would warrent SOME KIND of response. I’m sure this varies from state to state (and maybe province?), with some being hypervigilant and some being distressingly lax. I’ve heard horror stories from both extremes. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/134 "2011-11-21T16:38:28Z")
Unfortunately, some CPS caseworkers are more diligent and proactive than others. I’m afraid I’m not terribly surprised to hear that **Incubus** got a shrug from them this time around… which is all the more reason to do some more digging around, if he and his wife can safely do so. ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/135 "2011-11-21T16:46:19Z")
I don’t get the “hearsay” thing. Does that then mean that the only evidence that will get a reaction from CPS is an admission directly from the child in question, or a full report from a “mandated reporter”? In that case, perhaps going to the child’s school counselor or something would be a better route. Or simply calling back and trying to get a different person on the phone. I find this quite distressing. I hope the OP and his wife, if they are being aboveboard about what they’ve posted and sincerely think this girl is being sexually assaulted, aren’t simply going to shrug and let this go just because one person during one phone call told them “sorry, no.” ---
**Author:** ![lisacurl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/41988e/32.png) [@lisacurl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisacurl)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/136 "2011-11-21T16:50:22Z")
I think the issue is that the OP’s wife has not witnessed any of the problematic behavior directly, she has only heard about it happening from others. I ran into the same problem when I tried to report the situation in my family. In my case, I had another family member who had witnessed the problem calling in as well to back me up. I wonder if Mrs. OP could ask a few discreet questions of the child if and when they are around them for the holidays. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/137 "2011-11-21T17:10:40Z")
You need real evidence. Find out what the laws are in your area surrounding colelction of audio/video. Can you talk to Grandma with a concealed recorder? Can you wear a camera around your neck while you barge in unexpectedly? Go sit down to the local police station and sit down in person with someone. Tell them your suspicions and ask what they need from you in order to act; and how you can collect it so that it will still be useful in court. Truly - You got the response I expected. But you know that you tried, and you can’t stop trying now. This girl needs your help. ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/138 "2011-11-21T17:24:56Z")
You gotta talk to grandma. She’s providing your cousin with a safe place to molest his daughter. She needs to confront him. Your cousin **knows** how it looks, and he doesn’t care, because he knows grandma’s not gonna do anything. Where’s the girl’s mother in all this? She’s in the house too, isn’t she? At the least, **the lock has to come off that door**. It’s grandma’s house, and she can claim she’s worried about fire. Do you have children the same age as the girl? Can you invite her for a visit? ---
**Author:** ![PotLuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@PotLuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PotLuck)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/139 "2011-11-21T18:15:44Z")
> [@chiroptera](#): > > I find this quite distressing. I hope the OP and his wife, if they are being aboveboard about what they’ve posted and sincerely think this girl is being sexually assaulted, aren’t simply going to shrug and let this go just because one person during one phone call told them “sorry, no.” Indeed. > [@AuntiePam](#): > > You gotta talk to grandma. She’s providing your cousin with a safe place to molest his daughter. She needs to confront him. Your cousin **knows** how it looks, and he doesn’t care, because he knows grandma’s not gonna do anything. > > Where’s the girl’s mother in all this? She’s in the house too, isn’t she? > > At the least, **the lock has to come off that door**. It’s grandma’s house, and she can claim she’s worried about fire. > > Do you have children the same age as the girl? Can you invite her for a visit? I agree with most of this – especially about talking to Grandma and the niece and **getting the damned lock removed**. Previous suggestions to install a nanny cam should be heeded, too. Grandma should have been involved in the CPS report from the beginning, to bolster the claim. If Grandma refused to help then that would have been a pretty damning piece of information to add if Mrs. Incubus was forced to make the call alone. The only part I disagree with is confronting Perv, as that’s already happened and he “completely stonewalls any inquiries”. If he’s molesting his daughter I doubt he’s going to confess and then make/keep a vow to control himself. He’ll more likely deny it and (continue to?) threaten his niece into silence, and then move on to a new place where he can indulge his tendencies in peace like he did after being beaten and evicted by Mrs. Incubus’ dad. He needs to be confronted by someone who _can put him away_. ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137/140 "2011-11-21T18:36:03Z")
> [@chiroptera](#): > > Actually I didn’t take this at face value and was tempted to ask “cite?” but thought that might be jerkish. > > However even if it is, assuming the OP and the child in question are in the U.S. and not Mexico, sexual molestation of a child is a crime here, an abhorrent act, and I believe any sensible and compassionate adult, no matter where they’re from, has a moral and ethical duty to report abhorrent crimes, if not a legal one. Is sexual molestation of a child legal in Mexico? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-my-wife-report-this-guy/603137.md?page=8)