# Should Victims of Adultery Be Favoured? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [June 9, 2011, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817 "2011-06-09T02:35:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2011, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/41 "2011-06-09T23:12:37Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > Because I expect it’s not uncommon for one addict to end up in a relationship with another. I’m not saying it happens all the time or most of the time, just that it is not rare. Gotcha. ---
**Author:** ![boytyperanma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4491bb/32.png) [@boytyperanma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boytyperanma)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2011, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/42 "2011-06-09T23:25:48Z")
I don’t think the victims should be favored but if they are the benefactors of the adulterer being punished so be it. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2011, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/43 "2011-06-09T23:27:26Z")
> [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](#): > > **Should Victims of Adultery Be Favoured?** No, victims of adultery should be favours. You know, handed out at parties and stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2011, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/44 "2011-06-09T23:31:11Z")
Adultery may be the grounds for asking for a divorce, but the divorce decree has to follow state law. The judge may have some discretion on what is awarded to whom, but basing judgment on an accusation would be unprofessional. While adultery may be unlawful in your state, it’s not what you are in court for, and you shouldn’t be judged because of it. Awarding draconian forfiture of all income would be shot down on first appeal, were a judge stupid enough to award it. ---
**Author:** ![villa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc79bd/32.png) [@villa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/villa)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2011, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/45 "2011-06-10T00:29:33Z")
> [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](#): > > In a divorce proceedings which happen due to adultery on the part of one of the spouses should the spouse who is the victim of the adultery be favoured-by for instance being given custody of the children or being given all the joint income? Custody shouldn’t have anything to do with rewarding one party or punishing the other. The decision should be made in the best interests of the child. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2011, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/46 "2011-06-10T01:12:14Z")
It seems to me that adultery, in the sense of actual “cheating”, would indicate that the adulterous partner has shown that they are willing to put their own personal desires above that of the married pair and of any kids. To the extent that adultery can indicate rather massive deception plus a comparative lack of caring for the kids concerned, it seems to me a pretty good measure of lack of parenting abilities. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2011, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/47 "2011-06-10T03:03:41Z")
> [@Revenant\_Threshold](#): > > It seems to me that adultery, in the sense of actual “cheating”, would indicate that the adulterous partner has shown that they are willing to put their own personal desires above that of the married pair and of any kids. To the extent that adultery can indicate rather massive deception plus a comparative lack of caring for the kids concerned, it seems to me a pretty good measure of lack of parenting abilities. Or that they were driven to it after years of neglect or abuse while “staying together for the children”, or that they are just the partner who got caught. Adultery isn’t always a matter of no self control, nor is it the only wrong one can commit in a relationship. Adultery can in fact be an example of an unhealthy willingness to put the children above yourself, not the opposite. And - using your logic that adultery equates to bad parenting - if both parents commit adultery, does that mean they both should lose their kids? ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2011, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/48 "2011-06-10T03:04:36Z")
> [@Revenant\_Threshold](#): > > It seems to me that adultery, in the sense of actual “cheating”, would indicate that the adulterous partner has shown that they are willing to put their own personal desires above that of the married pair and of any kids. To the extent that adultery can indicate rather massive deception plus a comparative lack of caring for the kids concerned, it seems to me a pretty good measure of lack of parenting abilities. Having an affair says nothing of the kind about children, but certainly speaks to the marital relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2011, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/49 "2011-06-10T03:07:46Z")
I’m still a little dubious about the term “victim of adultery.” ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2011, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/50 "2011-06-10T03:15:54Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > I’m still a little dubious about the term “victim of adultery.” Especially since both partners can commit it; are they both “victims of adultery” then? ---
**Author:** ![villa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc79bd/32.png) [@villa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/villa)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2011, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/51 "2011-06-10T03:21:55Z")
> [@Revenant\_Threshold](#): > > It seems to me that adultery, in the sense of actual “cheating”, would indicate that the adulterous partner has shown that they are willing to put their own personal desires above that of the married pair and of any kids. To the extent that adultery can indicate rather massive deception plus a comparative lack of caring for the kids concerned, it seems to me a pretty good measure of lack of parenting abilities. But that isn’t the adultery that should impact the custody decision, it is other things which directly impact the best interests of the child. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2011, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/52 "2011-06-10T03:45:05Z")
> [@gatorslap](#): > > Only if you are a victim of domestic abuse should you be given any preferential treatment IMO. Adultery is a form of domestic abuse. It’s mental, not physical. When I found out my ex was screwing around on me, I almost shot myself one night. ---
**Author:** ![villa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc79bd/32.png) [@villa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/villa)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2011, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/53 "2011-06-10T04:06:58Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > Adultery is a form of domestic abuse. It’s mental, not physical. No. Adultery can be a form of domestic abuse. It isn’t always a form of domestic abuse. ---
**Author:** ![Hogfather65](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/7bcc69/32.png) [@Hogfather65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hogfather65)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2011, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/54 "2011-06-10T13:17:45Z")
> [@Springtime\_for\_Spacers](#): > > In current UK practice who gets custody of the children is supposed to reflect the best outcome for the welfare of the children. They’re not consolation prizes given to the most hard done by parent, nor should they be! I agree - as the injured party in an adulterous marriage - I would not want the kids affected or punished by not seeing their mother. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2011, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/55 "2011-06-10T13:45:02Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > No, victims of adultery should be favours. You know, handed out at parties and stuff. I disagree. I think victims of adultery should be flavoured. I’m leaning towards “strawberry”. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2011, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/56 "2011-06-10T14:07:50Z")
> [@gatorslap](#): > > Cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum. That’s only because of the defunding of NASA. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2011, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/57 "2011-06-11T01:05:27Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > Or that they were driven to it after years of neglect or abuse while “staying together for the children”, or that they are just the partner who got caught. Adultery isn’t always a matter of no self control, nor is it the only wrong one can commit in a relationship. Adultery can in fact be an example of an unhealthy willingness to put the children above yourself, not the opposite. Well, I did specify “cheating” for a reason - certainly there’s other reasons and motivations other than the stereotypical kind. I don’t recall claiming it was the only wrong one can commit in a relationship, or a matter of lacking self control. As to your last sentence - I disagree. I’m not sure what sort of situation you’d consider that to be a reasonable point on. > [@](#): > > And - using your logic that adultery equates to bad parenting - if both parents commit adultery, does that mean they both should lose their kids? No, because in and of itself it’s not so terrible that it necessarily denotes a \*total \*lack of parenting ability. I’m not claiming adultery = bad enough parent that they should have their kids taken away. [QUOTE=ChefGuy] Having an affair says nothing of the kind about children, but certainly speaks to the marital relationship. [/QUOTE] I disagree, for two reasons. Firstly because if deceptive adultery is found out, then you’re going to end up with an acrimonious situation, to a greater or lesser extent. And second, because victims of adultery generally do seem to be favoured, committing adultery means in the eventuality that there is a custody battle in the future, you’re willingly losing some of your claim. [QUOTE=villa] But that isn’t the adultery that should impact the custody decision, it is other things which directly impact the best interests of the child. [/QUOTE] So? The one leads to the other. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/58 "2011-06-14T06:07:20Z")
> [@Revenant\_Threshold](#): > > As to your last sentence - I disagree. I’m not sure what sort of situation you’d consider that to be a reasonable point on. I was referring to someone who stays in a miserable or abusive marriage “for the children”, and ends up driven by desperation into satisfying their need for a relationship with adultery instead of getting a divorce. Having children doesn’t mean you should completely ignore your own needs and desires until you ruin your life. ---
**Author:** ![villa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc79bd/32.png) [@villa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/villa)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/59 "2011-06-14T06:28:38Z")
> [@Revenant\_Threshold](#): > > So? The one leads to the other. So you use factors that impact child welfare and not those that don’t. If a person commits adultery but the adultery in no way impacts the welfare of the child, then it should be a non factor in custody matters. If a person commits adultery and as a result neglects their children, then use the neglect as an indicator for child’s best interests. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817/60 "2011-06-14T20:11:22Z")
It’s irrelevant when it comes to custody of the children, unless the adulterous partner was sleeping around with dozens of people with no protection and neglecting their children to do so, but even then the neglect and the risky behaviour would be a factor, not the adultery per se. Financially it could be a factor. It wouldn’t be the be-all and end-all; it wouldn’t trump physical abuse, emotional abuse, or a number of other factors, but if it’s the key point that leads to the dissolution of the marriage and all the financial repercussions of that (it costs a lot more to run two homes than one), then it’d be fair to have the adulterous person feel those financial repercussions somewhat more. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-victims-of-adultery-be-favoured/584817.md?page=4)