# Should you love your kids more than your spouse?

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-love-your-kids-more-than-your-spouse/300309>\
**Category:** Great Debates\
**Created:** [April 20, 2005, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-love-your-kids-more-than-your-spouse/300309 "2005-04-20T20:40:16Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 3\
**Page:** 3

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**Author:** ![Duderdude2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@Duderdude2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duderdude2)\
**Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-love-your-kids-more-than-your-spouse/300309/41 "2005-04-21T22:03:28Z")

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Anyone who doesn’t put the well-being of their child first has no buisness having children.

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**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\
**Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-love-your-kids-more-than-your-spouse/300309/42 "2005-04-21T23:02:11Z")

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> [@grienspace](#):
>
> I’ve been giving \*\* Qadgop’s\*\* succinct “rule” regarding how the love for a spouse and a child can be expressed differently. But one can get into grey areas, where the rule is not so clearly defined.
> 
> For example, your spouse needs an operation to save her life and your child needs a post secondary education, but you only have enough money for one option. Clearly the need of the spouse would trump the need of the child.
> 
> But what if your spouse only needs hip and knee replacement instead ? That’s a tough one. I would defer that decision to the spouse.

That’s why we have Maslow’s [Hierarchy of needs](http://web.utk.edu/~gwynne/maslow.HTM) to help figure that out.

Physiological needs come before safety needs which come before love needs which come before self-esteem needs which come before self-actualization needs.

This hierarchy can be applied to interpersonal interactions as well as intrapersonal.

Within a class of needs, further hierarchization can be found. Physiologically, the kids can go hungry for a while so mom gets the medicine needed to save her life.

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**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\
**Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-love-your-kids-more-than-your-spouse/300309/43 "2005-04-21T23:11:10Z")

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> [@istara](#):
>
> IMO, that would entirely jeopardise your relationship. Impulse purchases are one thing, but when one spouse downgrades a relationship - and deprioritises fun, and romance, and relaxation - that is when cracks start to appear.

I don’t think the relationship is in jeopardy if both people realize from the outset what having a child will mean. Yes, everyone’s human and frustration will occur but a strong relationship can thrive even under the most stressful conditions.

My husband and I have discussed this many times, at length. We both have the same ideas about what raising a child would entail-- that rather than dedicating our energies towards each other, we would have to focus them on this little being that we have created. We both decided that it’s not something we want to do. We take child-rearing too seriously to ever try to do it half-assed.

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