# Should you make it clear in advance if the invitation is to a 'dry' event? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 28, 2021, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539 "2021-07-28T17:55:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2021, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/242 "2021-08-12T20:36:53Z")
> [@Ranch\_Dip](#): > > > [@doreen](#): > > > > what exactly is the reason they wouldn’t attend a dry event if they don’t have an alcohol problem and can have fun without drinking? > > For me, it’s that I have a finite number of days and hours to myself. The chance that I’m going to spend it on someone who thinks they are going to direct how I choose to enjoy. Mind you, I am a near tee totaler, Like, I drink less than 3 six packs of beer a year. I seldom drink wine or hard liquor. It’s not about the alcohol to me, and about the people who want to control every fucking thing around them. This makes no sense to me. Every party is “controlled”. If I am hosting, I choose the food, the drink, the venue, the music, and the rest of the guest list. If you want to bring someone I didn’t invite, I expect you to check with me, first. I’ve never said “no”, but I reserve that right. (And I have some pairs of friends who wouldn’t enjoy each other, and I don’t invite to the same events.) That’s a MUCH bigger restriction than what drink I am serving. Even if it’s a potluck, I tell people where to put each item, and I decide at what time to serve it. At some point, I may move everyone still eating off the dining room table so people can use it for games. I mean, that’s a host’s job, running the party. I try not to be intrusive, but yeah, I control stuff. And when I go to a party, I expect my host to curate the experience for me, too. I guess we aren’t party-compatible. ---
**Author:** ![Ranch\_Dip](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranch_dip/32/5238_2.png) [@Ranch\_Dip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranch_Dip)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2021, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/243 "2021-08-12T21:56:16Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > I expect my host to curate the experience for me, too. I agree. What would set my hackles is the OP. Being told last minute that it was dry, and the expectation was that I should have already known that. That’s what would make me nope out. Well, aside from that fact that I hate family gatherings, or work gatherings, or large gatherings in general. And you don’t have to understand the reasons. ---
**Author:** ![kitap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b9e5f3/32.png) [@kitap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kitap)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2021, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/244 "2021-08-12T22:49:12Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > So I have a favor to ask of everyone who would attend a wet event, but would decline a dry event. Can you please tell your host up front - without knowing if its wet or dry - that you will not attend any dry events? As a host of regular (when not coviding) wet events, I’d like to know not to bother to invite you to any of my events since you are there for the booze and not the company. I suspect I’m not the only host who would rather not have people who like my booze more than they like me at my parties. Besides, its very expensive to provide booze, I like to provide very good alcohol and give my friends a chance to try something they normally wouldn’t get to try (Kavalan whiskey is REALLY good) and I’d like to feel I’m not having to bribe people with it to be my friend. This is where I stand. If I am only bearable to you when you drink, let me know. I’ll save you the problem of being around offensive me permanently. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2021, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/245 "2021-08-12T22:53:15Z")
> [@Ranch\_Dip](#): > > > [@puzzlegal](#): > > > > I expect my host to curate the experience for me, too. > > I agree. What would set my hackles is the OP. Being told last minute that it was dry, and the expectation was that I should have already known that. That’s what would make me nope out. Well, aside from that fact that I hate family gatherings, or work gatherings, or large gatherings in general. And you don’t have to understand the reasons. Oh, sorry, i misunderstood. The last minute, “as you recall” thing would have annoyed me, too. But i like family gatherings, and I’m okay with work gatherings, and often enjoy large gatherings. And i want going to be drinking at a picnic anyway. So if probably have grumbled a little at the communication, but gone to enjoy my family. ---
**Author:** ![Ranch\_Dip](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranch_dip/32/5238_2.png) [@Ranch\_Dip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranch_Dip)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2021, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/246 "2021-08-12T22:58:52Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > enjoy my family. eww lol ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2021, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/247 "2021-08-12T23:35:27Z")
> [@Ranch\_Dip](#): > > What would set my hackles is the OP. Being told last minute that it was dry, and the expectation was that I should have already known that. If that’s really what you have a problem with, it has little to do with the party being dry. I’d be annoyed if I were told last minute that it was a costume party and it was supposedly a reminder when I had not been told previously. I’d be annoyed if it was a potluck and was reminded at the last minute that it was a “no meat” gathering. But that would be because I was getting last-minute notice of something that affected what I had to do - now I have to get a costume together on a few day’s notice or figure out what to bring for the potluck now that the meat dish that I had planned to drink was not acceptable. And the same goes for a last minute request not to bring alcohol or alcohol-containing dishes to a potluck when I may have already bought the alcohol I was planning to bring. But if it’s a non-potluck type of party, where the hosts pick the date, the place and the menu including beverages and pay for everything and the only thing expected of me is to show up , that’s something different altogether and the thing I don’t understand. The people who essentially say “I’m not going to the wedding if there isn’t any booze” - that’s who I don’t understand. If you aren’t an alcoholic and don’t need booze to have fun, then why would presence or absence of booze make a difference? Nobody is trying to control you and you are perfectly free to skip the wedding if you don’t want to go because there isn’t any booze or because you hate parties or whatever. What I don’t get is why the alcohol matters- if someone aren’t interested enough in my wedding to attend if it’s dry ( for whatever reason) , then why are they interested enough to attend if I do serve alcohol? ---
**Author:** ![ISiddiqui](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/97f17d/32.png) [@ISiddiqui](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ISiddiqui)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2021, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/248 "2021-08-13T19:30:57Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > Every party has some sort of restrictions on what you can and cannot do so, within reason, I see no problem in a host having alcohol/drug or dietary restrictions. Agreed. I’m just as bewildered as you are by this. Perhaps it was because I was raised Muslim so I don’t expect alcohol at parties, but even then… hosts get to decide things. ---
**Author:** ![Novelty\_Bobble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Novelty\_Bobble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Novelty_Bobble)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2021, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/249 "2021-08-13T20:43:21Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Yes, but people have a responsibility to let me know that they are not really my friends and only showing up for booze. Someone can still be your friend but much prefer parties with booze. Some people don’t really like parties at all, are they still real friends? ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2021, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/250 "2021-08-13T20:50:36Z")
Depends. Do they do other stuff with me, that isn’t parties? If they ONLY want to hang out with me when there’s booze to be had, then no, they probably aren’t real friends. And if my real friend hated parties, and came to mine out of some sense of obligation or something, and could only tolerate it buzzed, I’d honestly just as soon only hang out with him at non-parties, and have him not come to my parties at all. Which reminds me… I have a friend who doesn’t like large groups, with whom I was going to go do escape rooms … I wonder if there’s too much covid now, and we need to wait a few more months. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2021, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/251 "2021-08-13T21:01:06Z")
Again, if the only reason you determine whether to attend a party at my house is if it is dry or wet, do me the favor and let me know you don’t want invites to parties. You may really prefer your parties with booze, but I really prefer my party guests to enjoy the company more than the booze. If parties aren’t your thing, that’s fine, but then you are saying no to all or most of my parties, it isn’t the booze that is bright line. I assume that my friends enjoy my company - they may want it one on one and that’s fine. I have friends I only know from online, that’s fine as well. But if the reason you want to see me is because I am a willing designated driver, or because I often pick up the check - then nope. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2021, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/252 "2021-08-13T21:02:59Z")
The Exit games are mini escape rooms in a box and a lot of fun. Not the outing of an escape room…but it might be something your friend would enjoy that is best in a very small group (2 - 4). ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2021, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/253 "2021-08-13T21:21:15Z")
Oh, and if the reason you prefer boozy parties is because you are medicating your social anxiety - lets get together one on one. I don’t need you self medicating on my behalf - too much alcoholic self medication in my family for me to feel comfortable enabling that. ---
**Author:** ![Novelty\_Bobble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Novelty\_Bobble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Novelty_Bobble)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2021, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/254 "2021-08-13T21:55:50Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Oh, and if the reason you prefer boozy parties is because you are medicating your social anxiety - lets get together one on one. Would you be OK with them having a drink in those circumstances? ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2021, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/255 "2021-08-13T22:05:31Z")
Preferring parties with booze is one thing - deciding whether or not to attend based on whether there is booze or not is another. It is perfectly possible to prefer parties with alcohol and still attend dry ones and even to attend dry parties without complaining that you should have been told in advance. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2021, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/256 "2021-08-13T22:22:46Z")
Yeah, I’m not going to tell you not to drink at a party with booze…but if you are my friend, I do care if you are self medicating social anxiety with booze. That isn’t a good coping mechanism. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep inviting you to my parties, but I would really worry about you. And let’s get together more often one on one and in smaller groups - maybe set up a regular lunch date or take the dogs out on Saturdays. ---
**Author:** ![Novelty\_Bobble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Novelty\_Bobble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Novelty_Bobble)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2021, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/257 "2021-08-13T22:42:32Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > maybe set up a regular lunch date Sure, but would you be offended if they preferred to have drink on your lunch date? It would seem strange to me to be invited to lunch by a friend and told what I can or can’t drink. I guess I can’t ever see a situation where I’d invite someone to a party or spend any time with them as a friend when I hadn’t already spent time with them in a situation without booze (work, coffee, sports team etc.). So by that point they’d have already proved they were capable of functioning without it. ---
**Author:** ![Novelty\_Bobble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Novelty\_Bobble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Novelty_Bobble)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2021, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/258 "2021-08-13T22:48:39Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > Preferring parties with booze is one thing - deciding whether or not to attend based on whether there is booze or not is another. It is perfectly possible to prefer parties with alcohol and still attend dry ones and even to attend dry parties without complaining that you should have been told in advance. As I said upthread, we probably just come from very different cultures. An invite to a “dry” party is something I’ve never come across. For someone who is borderline on whether they can cope with a party or not I can easily see how they might well draw the line on attending according to the food or drink on offer. I wouldn’t use that as measure of how good a friend they are, nor if they had a drink problem. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2021, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/259 "2021-08-13T23:09:06Z")
Probably not different cultures so much as different experiences - I’ve been to one dry wedding and some dry children’s birthday parties. Knowing the cultures and one of the families involved, the wedding was almost certainly dry because a very close relative of the bride or groom was an alcoholic. But I didn’t get annoyed that I wasn’t told in advance that the wedding was dry, and I would have attended even if I knew. Just like I attended two weddings I knew would be vegan even though I prefer to eat meat. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2021, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/260 "2021-08-13T23:09:29Z")
No, I’m not your keeper - but again, if every time I see you you are reaching for the bottle, I will worry about you. And, I’m a bad codependent -for my own mental health, I’ll cut my losses pretty quick if I’m spending too much energy worried about you. I know people who I met when they weren’t addicts or when they were in recovery who became addicts. A friend of a friend is THANKFULLY in recovery - he hit addict levels in his 50s, then torched all his friendships, lost his job, hit rock bottom - never had an issue before - although he did drink a lot (and do a lot of other things). He’s been sober for a year now. And of course, my sister wasn’t an addict when she was born - I knew her long before her addiction (in being a bad codependent territory, I didn’t see my sister for five years when she was drinking). ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2021, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539/261 "2021-08-13T23:18:57Z")
Culture as well - my cousin married a man from some Christian religious sect that didn’t do alcohol - their wedding was of course dry. I’ve been to a lot of dry parties - simply because the hosts don’t want to provide alcohol - it was too expensive to provide when we were all young and broke - and if you brought your own, it would disappear too fast as people you’d never met would descend on your six pack like vultures. Our parties were dry from financial necessity. Later, our parties would often be dry because they were in the middle of the afternoon between nap time and bedtime for kids - too early to drink. Plus, the group of us aren’t heavy on the beer drinkers (gin - yep, whiskey - yep, but pounding mid-afternoon G&Ts surrounded by kids - nope.) There are afternoon drinking occasions - but the afternoon drinking occasions are the exception, not the rule, in my circle. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-make-it-clear-in-advance-if-the-invitation-is-to-a-dry-event/947539.md?page=14)