# Should you tell a friend they're not getting married? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 1, 2003, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251 "2003-12-01T13:09:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/81 "2003-12-02T15:27:24Z")
I was married to someone that didn’t want to be married to me but “couldn’t find the right time” to tell me. He did after we had been married for two years. The way I felt when I realized that every moment, every memory, every special occasion had been a lie is indescribable. I would rather have known sooner than later. It’s been a year - he told me right before the holidays last year. Everything’s back on track now and I couldn’t be happier, and the ex and I are still friends for the sake of our son. I wish someone had told me, **Bricker**. You’re a good friend. Check on her from time to time and make sure she’s ok. And let her know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Holidays especially suck when you’ve been through something like that but she will live. She just may be reminded from time to time. ---
**Author:** ![torie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/77aa72/32.png) [@torie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/torie)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/82 "2003-12-02T15:33:46Z")
You are a good friend, Bricker. You did the right thing and everyone will thank you for it in the end. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/83 "2003-12-02T15:51:42Z")
Well done. You did the right thing. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/84 "2003-12-02T17:18:51Z")
I want to say Thanks…cause she probably couldn’t. Like Rez, I was in a marriage with someone who I shouldn’t have married - and everyone seemed to be aware of it except me. Which is probably why I’m such a mench and have stuck my nose into so many of my friends relationships. If you have a mutual female friend in common she trusts (or one of those guy friends who can pull it off), give her a call and tell her to show up with a carton of really good chocolate ice cream, a box of kleenex, and a bag of oreos. And “Bricker didn’t tell me what happened, just that I should come over and bring these.” ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/85 "2003-12-02T17:18:58Z")
^5 to a mench. Even if the participants hate the messenger for the message, you were true to your values. ---
**Author:** ![paperbackwriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@paperbackwriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/paperbackwriter)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/86 "2003-12-02T17:25:21Z")
I sorry that you had to hurt some-one you obviously feel close to, but you equally obviously did the right thing. Whatever she decides to do with her relationship, she now has the necessary facts to make that decision. As far as the “stabbing in the back” $#!^, well, you wouldn’t hesitate to stab a rat in the back, would you? OK, that was overly harsh, but he had multiple chances to tell her, even before things got bad enough that he got arrested over it and you became involved. And she should get a full STD screening. ---
**Author:** ![Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/soul_brother_number_two/32/3515_2.png) [@Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soul_Brother_Number_Two)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/87 "2003-12-02T17:28:34Z")
Thanks for your response, Dangerosa. Good on you, Bricker. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/88 "2003-12-02T17:36:46Z")
ACK. You back-stabber, you. Spoiled his “right moment to tell her”, so you did – how dare you? Pardon me while I go wash _that_ thought out of my mind. This isn’t the kind of thing where one says “Congratulations on a job well done,” but my hat’s off to you. There’s no way it could have gone well, and I’m sure you did the best anyone could to help her absorb the news. I hope she’s with a friend or friends right now, who’ll support her through this - and that they’ll help her to see that breaking off with the cad is the best thing. My one fear is that slimeball will talk his way out of this somehow. Lord knows, besides the hurt and anger, she’s got to be feeling terribly humiliated too – that he betrayed her like _that_, that she’s been made a fool of, and that calling off the wedding means telling everyone more or less why. No matter what story she tells officially , the truth is likely to leak out in some form. Can you imagine how she must feel now, dreading that? ACK. Please, do keep us posted. ---
**Author:** ![White\_Ink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@White\_Ink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/White_Ink)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/89 "2003-12-02T17:54:04Z")
**Bricker** , You rock. You did what was right instead of what was convenient. I wish there were more like you out there. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/90 "2003-12-02T18:01:20Z")
You are a man of integrity and honor and a true friend. Now get out your extra heavy duty umbrella. The shitstorm has only just begun. ---
**Author:** ![White\_Lightning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@White\_Lightning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/White_Lightning)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/91 "2003-12-02T18:29:19Z")
You definitely did do the right thing. Even if nobody thanks you in the long run. ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/92 "2003-12-02T19:00:50Z")
Good for you, Bricker. You’re a good man. ---
**Author:** ![Zanshin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e274bd/32.png) [@Zanshin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zanshin)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/93 "2003-12-02T19:02:46Z")
**Brick** , another vote for, “You did the right thing.” That must have been incredibly hard for you to do, but congrats that you did it. She needed to know, and apparently your buddy wasn’t going to tell her till it was entirely too late. Good on you. ---
**Author:** ![Q.N.Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/3da27b/32.png) [@Q.N.Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.N.Jones)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/94 "2003-12-02T19:16:34Z")
Good for you for doing the right thing. We could all use a friend as good as you. ---
**Author:** ![Hugh\_Jass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4da419/32.png) [@Hugh\_Jass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugh_Jass)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/95 "2003-12-02T19:44:12Z")
Bricker, I’ve been following this thread, but didn’t have anything to contribute. I just wanted to add that I salute what you did. It had to have been difficult for you, but it was the right thing to do. She may be angry with you for a while but when things hash out, she will appreciate what you did, and how difficult it was for you. Again, good job. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/96 "2003-12-02T19:54:10Z")
Did she seem to believe you? I’m of the pessimistic “he’ll talk his way out of this one” school. People hear what they _want_ to hear. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/97 "2003-12-02T20:24:29Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Bricker \* \*\*It’s done.\*\*I’m not big on {{_virtual hugs_}}, but I don’t know how to do a {{_virtual manly handshake with the other hand on your shoulder and a very serious nod combined with a facial expression that communicates “congratulations, it couldn’t have been easy, but it was the right thing, and I hope it all works out for the best, and please let me know if I can do anything to help, even though I know you’ll keep it under control because you’re so manly”_}} instead. 😉 > [@](#): > > **He’s called me to tell me I stabbed him in the back.** What an ass. Good riddance. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/98 "2003-12-02T20:28:19Z")
That would have been better if I hadn’t crapped up the coding. I trust the intention was clear despite my incompetence. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/99 "2003-12-02T20:38:46Z")
Hang in there Rick. It was for the best and you were the only one man enough to do it. ---
**Author:** ![magog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/fbc32d/32.png) [@magog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magog)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251/100 "2003-12-02T22:57:33Z")
Add me to the “you did the right thing” list. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-you-tell-a-friend-theyre-not-getting-married/216251.md?page=6)