# Signs you'd like to post in your office **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 13, 2004, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916 "2004-10-13T01:01:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![lightingtool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/57b2e6/32.png) [@lightingtool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lightingtool)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/1 "2004-10-13T01:01:26Z")
_Note to the mods: I put this in the Pit because I felt that each sign was something of a “mini-rant.” If you think otherwise, please move the thread, and I’m sorry to have caused you any trouble._ A sign by the fax machine: Hey Fuckhead: When a junk/spam fax comes in, take the extra two steps to the garbage and throw it away yourself you lazy fuck. Don’t leave it on the table. I have better things to do than clean up after your lazy ass. A sign for the Fridge: **STOP STEALING MY FUCKING SODA** you gangrenous poopy-head. A sign for my office: Go away. No, really. I have work to do. GO THE FUCK AWAY. I don’t care how cool you are, or who you “banged” last night. A sign for the time clock: Look, it’s really fucking easy. You get to work, you punch in. You leave work, you punch out. How is it that this simple pattern has eluded your walnut of a brain? Here’s a simple was to remember this: If you fuck up your timecard, I’m not going to pay you. Well, I certainly feel better now. Anyone else have any signs that need posting? ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/2 "2004-10-13T01:08:08Z")
**OPEN FOR BUSINESS.** (I plan to incorporate soon.) ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/3 "2004-10-13T01:18:51Z")
If pouring a cup of coffee from the coffee machine in the breakroom results in three drops of coffee remaining in the pot, **BREW SOME MORE, ASSHOLE!!!** [sub]I think I need to go home now…[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/4 "2004-10-13T01:26:04Z")
> [@Dooku](#): > > **BREW SOME MORE ASSHOLE!!!** Damn. If my coffee was that bad, I’d welcome the excuse to drink something else. (Sorry.) ---
**Author:** ![TeaElle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@TeaElle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TeaElle)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/5 "2004-10-13T01:29:52Z")
I actually posted this sign in the kitchen of one of my workplaces: > [@](#): > > Since some of you aren’t able to understand: our cleaning crew comes around 8 p.m. each evening. In the meantime, 150 of your co-workers are also using this space. If you spill coffee, tea, water, sugar or creamer in the coffee area, use a paper towel to wipe it up. > > If you have dirty mugs, containers, cutlery or dishes, leave them in your office until you are ready to wash them. Do not leave them in the sink. No one here is going to wash your items for you, and no one should be forced to try to work around your dirty items in order to use our very small sink. > > If you are cooking something in the microwave, do not walk away, wait until it’s done so that it doesn’t burn and fill the air with a foul odor. If you spill something in the microwave, wipe it up immediately, while it’s still hot, so that it doesn’t set and become impossible to clean. > > If you spill something on the floor, please clean it up. If the spill is too great to contain with paper towels, please alert Jack ------- in facilities management. This was on 8 x 14 paper and printed in bright red letters, and posted right about the microwave. This was in addition to the bright red list of instructions for users of the communal refrigerator. I worked with a bunch of very very bright gentlemen in that particular company, but they were absolute pigs in that kitchen. ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/6 "2004-10-13T03:15:24Z")
I am the _Corporate Travel Manager_ for this company. As such, I have neither the time, inclination or wherewithall to plan your vacation. Please visit your professional vacation agent for such services. ---
**Author:** ![chique](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@chique](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chique)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/7 "2004-10-13T03:41:41Z")
While I do not punch a time clock right now I feel compelled to respond to this particular quote: > [@lightingtool](#): > > A sign for the time clock: > Look, it’s really fucking easy. You get to work, you punch in. You leave work, you punch out. How is it that this simple pattern has eluded your walnut of a brain? Here’s a simple was to remember this: If you fuck up your timecard, I’m not going to pay you. It’s very simple, shit-for-brains. I’m on the clock. I HAVE to be there at 8:00 every morning. Normally I’m there at 7:40 or 7:45, but you bastards won’t let me clock in or start working at 7:40 or 7:45 because the world will fall apart and collapse, and since I don’t care if I don’t get paid for that extra 15 to 20 minutes a day I just do my job. Since I’m a conscientious employee I get to work and go to work, and sometimes I don’t realize that I’ve been there a whole 25 minutes, and since I’ve already been doing what I’ve been paid to do I just keep going. Now it’s 8:05 and I have two options: I can keep working and say “Ooops! I forgot to clock in!” or I can clock in late. If I do the latter too many times I get fired. If I do the former you get pissy because you don’t want to take the time to type four freakin’ numbers into the Time Clock Program. I can deal with the former because I don’t get fired. Same thing for clocking out. Most days I’m stuck in that freakin’ office until 5:15 or 5:30. Do you pay me for it? HELL no. Every now and again I get lucky and can actually clock out at 4:57, but will you let me do that? HELL no, aGAIN - I’ll get fired. You can take that goddamn time card and shove it up your ass, for all I’m concerned. ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/8 "2004-10-13T04:01:20Z")
If you jam the copier, fucking unjam, dipshit! Do not leave it jammed for someone else (ie, me) to fix! I hate your guts, whoever you are. Okay, that’s pretty much all I got. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/9 "2004-10-13T04:02:58Z")
I seem to have always had bosses who don’t seem to understand the concept of off time. I had always wanted to hang the following sign in the breakroom. **I’m on a break DAMNIT! I don’t want to discuss the Johnson account, I don’t want to talk about the new project and fuck that fax, I’m on a break"** ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/10 "2004-10-13T04:35:10Z")
Ahem: FAILURE TO PLAN ON YOUR PART DOES NOT PARTIALLY OR WHOLLY CONSTITUTE AN EMERGENCY ON MY PART. ALL POWERPOINT ASSISTANCE TO BE BILLED AT $24.99/HOUR. LEARN YOUR OWN FUCKIN’ CLIPART CRAP YOURSELF. Tripler Oh, and a little note on my answering machine: “If I am physically speaking with someone at the present moment, you may leave a message and I will call you back when I’m done. This person took time out of their busy schedule to see me, and therefore, their time is more important at the moment. I would not be so rude as to interrupt them since they’ve done so. Please to not call back three times and leave three G-ddamned empty/blank messages on my machine. Leave one, and I’ll get back to you . . . thanks.” ---
**Author:** ![Briny\_Deep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/briny_deep/32/17188_2.png) [@Briny\_Deep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Briny_Deep)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/11 "2004-10-13T04:45:48Z")
Oh! Oh! Oh! I’ve been saving this up for quite some time for just such a thread. If I need to print something in a hurry, and the printer hasn’t been used for hours, and I get the message “Add Paper”\* and I add some paper, then page 2 of your 487-page job comes out, followed by page 3, 4, and so on, _I’m cancelling the job._ If you can’t be bothered to babysit your enormous print job, neither can I. \*PCLOADLETTER? What the **hell** is that?? ---
**Author:** ![lel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8797f3/32.png) [@lel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lel)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/12 "2004-10-13T04:50:32Z")
Given that this is the worst I’ve got, things are very nice. But I do have one. On fax: If you see that I’m getting low, put paper in me. Do not assume that somebody else is filling the fax with paper. ---
**Author:** ![BraheSilver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecccb3/32.png) [@BraheSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BraheSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/13 "2004-10-13T04:57:52Z")
To the guy in the adjacent office: Either take your cell phone with you to lunch or turn the fucking ringer off. Don’t leave it on your desk to shimmy, flash and play salsa music at us for half an hour. To the guy who keeps calling the first guy: STOP FUCKING CALLING HIM FOR HALF AN HOUR. HE’S NOT THERE. ---
**Author:** ![Briny\_Deep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/briny_deep/32/17188_2.png) [@Briny\_Deep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Briny_Deep)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/14 "2004-10-13T05:03:54Z")
> [@BraheSilver](#): > > Either take your cell phone with you to lunch or turn the fucking ringer off. Don’t leave it on your desk to shimmy, flash and play salsa music at us for half an hour. Oh, amen. This is a good one. Me, I get _Eine Kline Nachtmuzik_ from the cubicle-across-the-way, which is not quite so bad, but still … ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/15 "2004-10-13T05:47:57Z")
These don’t go in my office; they go in the Tech Support Call Center: PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT EVERY CUSTOMER’S PROFILE HAS A TELEPHONE NUMBER When a customer enters a case ID number in our RMA site and it is somebody else’s number (because you read it out to him wrong, you dipshit), he creates an RMA for another customer’s product. Since the company doesn’t think this is a good idea, the webmaster has added a requirement for a phone number as a back-up identifier. If you don’t enter a phone number to go along with the case ID number, the RMA site won’t let him move forward. IF YOU’RE GOING TO AUTHORIZE A CASE ID FOR AN RMA, TAKE A MOMENT TO ESTABLISH THAT THE CUSTOMER’S PRODUCT IS UNDER WARRANTY Customers don’t like being told at the _tail end_ of the process that they are not entitled to RMA support. It tends to give them a bad impression of our company and product. DON’T TELL THE CUSTOMER THAT WE’RE GOING TO SEND FOR HIS PRODUCT AT OUR EXPENSE The terms of the warranty call for the customer to bear the cost of getting his defective product to us. You are not authorized to alter or waive those terms. And while we’re on the subject of you being generous with our department’s money… DON’T TELL THE CUSTOMER THAT HE DOESN’T NEED TO SEND THE ACCESSORIES BACK ON A CROSS-SHIPMENT Power adapters, cables, antennas, driver disks, operating manuals, and other such paraphernalia are not provided to the shipping division for free; they come out of our budget. When an advance replacement is arranged, we send all the accessories out; we need them to come back with the defective product. Until a means can be devised of charging the Product Management division for your generosity, please stifle the urge. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/16 "2004-10-13T06:53:56Z")
Please see a director if you have questions about changing the curriculum I work at a tutoring center, and while I am a tutor there, it is the directors (managers) who decide what lessons are appropriate for each individual child. It is my job to assist them in those lessons. However, time and again I get asked if I can give their child spelling, or math, or something else, or make it harder, easier, etc. There is a reason the directors are the only employees allowed to change things: they are the people who have conferences with the parents about how their child is doing. I’m assisting about 200 children over a span of 3 hours- I don’t have time to change their lesson, and furthermore I’m not even authorized to do it. But that doesn’t stop parents and children from asking me. Another sign I think many of us need: NOT IN SERVICE You know the signs the busses have when they are not running? I need one of those. It seems like whenever I drop in at work to drop off my schedule, or something else brief that doesn’t involve me working a shift, someone _assumes_ I am working and starts bugging me about this or that. Similarly, when I am off and I am walking out the door, I frequently get accosted by people who think I’m still working :smack: ---
**Author:** ![lightingtool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/57b2e6/32.png) [@lightingtool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lightingtool)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 8:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/17 "2004-10-13T08:55:49Z")
> [@chique](#): > > While I do not punch a time clock right now I feel compelled to respond to this particular quote:It’s very simple, shit-for-brains. > _snip_ Hi there **chique**. Nice of you to call me shit-for-brains. Lots of class there. You know what I do if I get to work early? I go get a cup of coffee. Maybe take a walk. If my company had rules (which we don’t, by the way) about when you could clock in and out, I would follow them, work my 40 hours a week, and go home. I’ve worked in places like the one you described, and never had a problem keeping an accurate timecard. I can’t punch in before 8am? Fine. I won’t. And I also won’t start working before I punch in. Like I said, it’s very simple. Also, if you had taken the time to read what I posted before you started your rant at “the man” (which I think is me in this case), you would note that I said, “You get to work, you punch in. You leave work, you punch out.” Anything there about 8am? Anything about how I won’t pay you for overtime that you appear to be happy to toss in for free? Nope. As long as people work 40 hours a week with no overtime, I could give two shits about when they were here. > [@chique](#): > > If I do the former you get pissy because you don’t want to take the time to type four freakin’ numbers into the Time Clock Program. First off, I know nothing about this TCP you speak of. Secondly (and I think because of that), I have to put everyone’s hours into a spreadsheet, broken down into what projects they worked on. Any mistakes on a time card make my job harder. Not impossible, not unbearable, just harder. Hence the pit post, as opposed to me going nuts and shooting my employees. Also, I often do have people working overtime. If they forget to punch back in on Monday after lunch, that fucks up the way our vintage timeclock tracks overtime, and it adds a crapload of aggrivation to my Monday morning. Which is why I mentioned a sign that I would never really put up, but imagined putting up here in the pit. > [@chique](#): > > You can take that goddamn time card and shove it up your ass, for all I’m concerned. And you can do the same with that working man’s cross you’ve nailed yourself to. ---
**Author:** ![Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4da419/32.png) [@Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gala_Matrix_Fire)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 11:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/18 "2004-10-13T11:24:18Z")
**Keep the damn noise down so I can get some work done.** ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/19 "2004-10-13T13:30:10Z")
I’m the other way. Don’t freakin’ touch the equipment. You break it every time you touch it. I’d rather get up every time and load it myself, or fix them jam. DON’T TOUCH IT, YOU’RE ROUGH WITH IT AND THEN I HAVE TO CALL THE DAM SERVICE MAN. Also: My desk is NOT the office water cooler. And: What I have to do is important, too. Don’t call me all the way back to your office and then say, “Hang on for a second” while you finish talking to the other person. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916/20 "2004-10-13T13:50:20Z")
Ok, it’s trite, it’s boring, but it’s mine. **See the big room with the big table in it? See all the chairs? We call it a CONFERENCE ROOM! Get the FUCK AWAY FROM MY GODDAMN DESK AND HAVE YOUR MEETING IN IT - I DON’T PARTICULARLY CARE TO HEAR YOUR NOISE FOR THE NEXT HOUR BECAUSE I HAVE A CONVENIENT COUNTER TO LEAN ON! AND NO YOU CANNOT USE MY PHONE!** [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/signs-youd-like-to-post-in-your-office/268916.md?page=2)