# Simile: "Useless as..." **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 27, 2010, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144 "2010-07-27T02:59:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![In\_Winnipeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a8b319/32.png) [@In\_Winnipeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/In_Winnipeg)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/1 "2010-07-27T02:59:47Z")
There seem to be some regionalisms in regard to describing how useless someone/something is. My mother used “Useless as tits on a nun” and “As useless as looking up a dead horse’s ass”, and from my uncle I heard “Useless as tits on a boar”. Which ones have you learned or heard used by others? ---
**Author:** ![johnpost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f17d59/32.png) [@johnpost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnpost)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/2 "2010-07-27T03:05:02Z")
useless as a screen door on a submarine ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/3 "2010-07-27T03:18:19Z")
“You’re useless.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/4 "2010-07-27T03:19:06Z")
Useless as a very large useless thing. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/5 "2010-07-27T03:20:38Z")
Useless as a simile from an unfamiliar culture. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/6 "2010-07-27T03:36:26Z")
I’ve heard “useless as tits on a bull” before. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/7 "2010-07-27T04:10:58Z")
“…tits on a windmill.” From my dad, who grew up in various parts of mid-20th-century Iowa. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/8 "2010-07-27T04:17:17Z")
Since this is asking for personal experiences, it is better suited for IMHO than GQ. Colibri General Questions Moderator ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/9 "2010-07-27T04:23:38Z")
As useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/10 "2010-07-27T04:26:05Z")
…balls on a heifer. IANACB (I am not a cowboy) ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/11 "2010-07-27T04:30:42Z")
… a broke dick. I don’t say it anymore because you never know who might be around with a broke dick. Don’t wanna hurt any feelings. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/12 "2010-07-27T04:42:08Z")
> [@In\_Winnipeg](#): > > “Useless as tits on a boar” I had an uncle who said this all the time when I was little except I always heard it as “tits on a board” which is just so very confusing for a kid. And if you’ve never pictured a pair of breasts on a see-saw… well, you probably have now that I’ve mentioned it. ---
**Author:** ![pericynthion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/85e7bf/32.png) [@pericynthion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pericynthion)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/13 "2010-07-27T05:01:50Z")
… a chocolate teapot. … a condom machine in the Vatican. ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/14 "2010-07-27T06:22:48Z")
…a straw in the desert. …Captain Hook’s second glove. …bread with no salt. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/15 "2010-07-27T11:28:47Z")
…balls on a priest ---
**Author:** ![DragonAsh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/db5fbb/32.png) [@DragonAsh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DragonAsh)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/16 "2010-07-27T11:57:59Z")
I just heard’ useless as a chocolate teapot’ for the first time yesterday. It’s my new favorite phrase; I’m using it every chance I get! ---
**Author:** ![Paintcharge](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/paintcharge/32/7946_2.png) [@Paintcharge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paintcharge)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/17 "2010-07-27T13:14:41Z")
Tits on a motor. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/18 "2010-07-27T14:29:14Z")
…an ashtray on a motorbike. …a pair of undies on Britney Spears. …as an umbrella for a duck. …as Marcel Marceau’s voice coach. ---
**Author:** ![Tethered\_Kite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a5b964/32.png) [@Tethered\_Kite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tethered_Kite)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/19 "2010-07-27T14:35:13Z")
Carrying coals to Newcastle. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/20 "2010-07-27T14:42:32Z")
My dad says “useless as tits on a boar hog”, which is weirdly redundant. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144.md?page=2)