# Simile: "Useless as..." **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 27, 2010, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144 "2010-07-27T02:59:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Icerigger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icerigger/32/432_2.png) [@Icerigger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icerigger)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/21 "2010-07-27T14:51:34Z")
My dad used to say “useless as a rudder on a duck’s ass.” ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/22 "2010-07-27T14:58:05Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > … a broke dick. > > I don’t say it anymore because you never know who might be around with a broke dick. Don’t wanna hurt any feelings. Ouch. Just…ouch. ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9de0a6/32.png) [@Electric\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Sky)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/23 "2010-07-27T15:04:35Z")
A glass hammer. ---
**Author:** ![UncaStuart](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/uncastuart/32/404_2.png) [@UncaStuart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncaStuart)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/24 "2010-07-27T16:32:22Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > My dad says “useless as tits on a boar hog”, which is weirdly redundant. Mine too. ---
**Author:** ![KlondikeGeoff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3e96dc/32.png) [@KlondikeGeoff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KlondikeGeoff)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/25 "2010-07-27T18:24:50Z")
> [@tumbleddown](#): > > …Captain Hook’s second glove. Not entirely useless, as it went to Michael Jackson. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/26 "2010-07-27T18:39:11Z")
…tits on a bull ---
**Author:** ![JSexton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/96bed5/32.png) [@JSexton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JSexton)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/27 "2010-07-27T20:04:31Z")
“…a pile of Mymans.” ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/28 "2010-07-27T20:12:58Z")
Useless as teats on a bull. ---
**Author:** ![In\_Winnipeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a8b319/32.png) [@In\_Winnipeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/In_Winnipeg)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/29 "2010-07-27T20:45:07Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > My dad says “useless as tits on a boar hog”, which is weirdly redundant. I’ve heard “boar pig”, which I thought the same of. ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/30 "2010-07-27T20:47:49Z")
screen door on a submarine. I think I’ve heard “…as a freezer to an Eskimo” ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/31 "2010-07-27T21:10:43Z")
GAWD, there are a lot of responses involving the use of “tits.” (Which, in and of themselves, are not useless!) ---
**Author:** ![Greg\_Charles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/839c29/32.png) [@Greg\_Charles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greg_Charles)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/32 "2010-07-27T21:35:36Z")
> [@pericynthion](#): > > … a chocolate teapot. I’d never heard this one until recently “The Naked Scientist” podcast put it to the test. They found a chocolate teapot would actually work for one batch of tea at least before it melted away. It made the tea pretty chocolatey though. ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/33 "2010-07-27T22:24:34Z")
…a one-legged man at an ass-kicking. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/34 "2010-07-27T22:48:34Z")
> [@Spoke](#): > > …a one-legged man at an ass-kicking. I’ve only heard this one in the "“busy as…” constuction. ---
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/35 "2010-07-27T22:48:37Z")
. . . a limp dick at the Playboy mansion. I got to hear that one at a meeting and I’ve always wanted to repeat it but it’s hard to find a place it’s appropriate. ---
**Author:** ![pudytat72](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@pudytat72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pudytat72)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/36 "2010-07-28T00:54:00Z")
as useless as a rubber crutch ---
**Author:** ![NetTrekker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nettrekker/32/2909_2.png) [@NetTrekker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NetTrekker)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/37 "2010-07-28T02:59:16Z")
borrowing from another thread: “useless as a 4-way Yield-sign intersection” ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/38 "2010-07-28T03:05:08Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > > [@Spoke](#): > > > > …a one-legged man at an ass-kicking. > > I’ve only heard this one in the "“busy as…” constuction. Yes, I’ve heard it that way too. But it works as a simile in either case, wouldn’t you say? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![mrklutz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ebca7d/32.png) [@mrklutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrklutz)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/39 "2010-07-28T15:16:57Z")
It doesn’t follow the “Useless as…” formulation, but one of my favorite phrases for describing someone (or something) as useless is “Not worth the powder to blow him up.” ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/40 "2010-07-28T15:23:09Z")
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