# Simile: "Useless as..." **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 27, 2010, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144 "2010-07-27T02:59:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/41 "2010-07-28T15:28:16Z")
tits on a bull one legged man at an ass kicking cat at a dog show and for someone who makes everything uselessly complex - that man could complicate a dog-fuck in the back yard. ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/42 "2010-07-28T15:47:12Z")
…an inflatable dartboard. ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/43 "2010-07-28T16:25:10Z")
Useless as a pot of decaf. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/44 "2010-07-28T19:25:27Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > … a broke dick. > > I don’t say it anymore because you never know who might be around with a broke dick. Don’t wanna hurt any feelings. :: checks Sleepy’s forehead :: Are you feeling okay? ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/45 "2010-07-28T19:42:59Z")
> [@Spoke](#): > > …a one-legged man at an ass-kicking. I heard it as: …a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest. ---
**Author:** ![StrangeBird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e480ec/32.png) [@StrangeBird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StrangeBird)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/46 "2010-07-28T20:54:52Z")
> [@Greg\_Charles](#): > > > [@pericynthion](#): > > > > … a chocolate teapot. > > I’d never heard this one until recently “The Naked Scientist” podcast put it to the test. They found a chocolate teapot would actually work for one batch of tea at least before it melted away. It made the tea pretty chocolatey though. I’d heard ‘chocolate kettle’, which would be less effective. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/47 "2010-07-28T20:58:39Z")
> [@Tahssa](#): > > > [@Spoke](#): > > > > …a one-legged man at an ass-kicking. > > I heard it as: > > …a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest. The expression is “as busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.” I use it at work all the time. I swear that I have actually heard, and used, this one: “As useless as a truckload of dead rats at a tampon factory.” ---
**Author:** ![Add99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/977dab/32.png) [@Add99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Add99)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/48 "2010-07-29T22:54:22Z")
…as a kickstand on a Sherman tank. (George Carlin) ---
**Author:** ![GreedySmurf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a698b9/32.png) [@GreedySmurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreedySmurf)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/49 "2010-07-29T23:48:51Z")
In the run of “useless” as ones, I commonly hear and use “_Tits on a bull_”, but I have also heard occasionally “_Tits on a boar_” The one legged man I’ve always heard (and used) in the context of “_as busy as…_” and using the full phrase of an ass-kicking contest. A related phrase I’ve always liked is “_as busy as a one-armed paper hanger_” In a similiar vein, while trying to describe either how useless or a disorganised an individual is I like: “_Couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery_”, and “_Couldn’t organise an orgy in a brothel_” ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/50 "2010-07-30T14:04:27Z")
> [@GreedySmurf](#): > > In a similiar vein, while trying to describe either how useless or a disorganised an individual is I like: > > “_Couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery_”, and > “_Couldn’t organise an orgy in a brothel_” Well, if we’re expanding to those: “He couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison with a fistful of pardons.” ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/51 "2010-07-30T14:46:44Z")
> [@Max\_Torque](#): > > > [@GreedySmurf](#): > > > > In a similiar vein, while trying to describe either how useless or a disorganised an individual is I like: > > > > “_Couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery_”, and > > “_Couldn’t organise an orgy in a brothel_” > > Well, if we’re expanding to those: > > “He couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison with a fistful of pardons.” “He couldn’t get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a bag of bananas.” ---
**Author:** ![Ignatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3be4f8/32.png) [@Ignatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ignatz)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/52 "2010-07-30T23:08:05Z")
[also "busy as]…a one-armed paperhanger. ---
**Author:** ![plankter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ba0ec/32.png) [@plankter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plankter)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2010, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/53 "2010-08-01T20:43:35Z")
**"…JPEGs to Helen Keller."** (thanks, Al!) ---
**Author:** ![Cheez\_Whia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d26b3c/32.png) [@Cheez\_Whia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheez_Whia)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2010, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/54 "2010-08-01T21:01:45Z")
…hen shit on a pump handle. (City Slickers) ---
**Author:** ![Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/le_ministre_de_l_au-dela/32/12181_2.png) [@Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Le_Ministre_de_l_au-dela)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2010, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/55 "2010-08-01T21:49:03Z")
… a spare prick at a wedding. ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2010, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/56 "2010-08-01T23:29:25Z")
. . . man nipples (undoubtedly derived from the “tits on a \_\_\_\_” ones) ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2010, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/57 "2010-08-01T23:52:13Z")
> [@Max\_Torque](#): > > > [@Tahssa](#): > > > > I heard it as: > > > > …a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest. > > The expression is “as busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.” I use it at work all the time. But.. it doesn’t make any sense. Why would a one-legged man be any more busy in an ass-kicking contest? He ought to be performing the same number of kicks as his bipedaled combatants. I’ve always heard “as useless as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest”. Which makes a great deal of sense if you picture a one legged man trying to kick someone in the ass. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/58 "2010-08-02T00:06:58Z")
Mum always says “… useless as a hip pocket in a pair of underpants”. I have actually seen underpants that have pockets, so I guess someone thinks they aren’t entirely useless. ---
**Author:** ![hobscrk777](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a6a055/32.png) [@hobscrk777](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hobscrk777)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/59 "2010-08-02T00:13:34Z")
There’s one I like that goes something like “Useless as a eunuch at a whorehouse.” I may be misremembering it. ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144/60 "2010-08-02T00:32:17Z")
[QUOTE=Max Torque] The expression is “as busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.” I use it at work all the time. [/QUOTE] There are no absolutes with folk expressions. I first heard it in the “Useless as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking” formulation in 1990. (I can date it because I remember who I was with at the time, which nails down the year for me.) The simile was “useless as,” and there was no “contest” addendum. (Where I’m from everyone knows what “an ass-kicking” is. No need to turn it into a contest.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simile-useless-as/548144.md?page=4)