Adjusted for your favorite meats, cheeses, & condiments give it a try. Simple, effective, and no royalties charged. 
Commercial sandwiches are 90% bread and often shite bread to boot.
Mine are different. Yours can be too.
I highly recommend this simple, inexpensive unit. It goes under your toilet seat. Took me about 10 minutes to install once I got my toilet seat plastic bolts unscrewed.
https://www.amazon.com/SAMODRA-Ultra-Slim-Attachment-Non-Electric-Bidet，Minimalist/dp/B08QHT9CTG
No selfies though.
Rather than an official bidet, I usually waddle over to the tub and hang my ass over the side. Then using the shower head (mounted on one of those flexible hoses) I can spray warm water on my backside to clean everything off, and rinse everything down the drain. This is after using paper to make sure there are no major chunks, of course; don’t want to have to pick anything up out of the tub!
2a, check and remove shoe if necessary?
Anything related to health is generally simple but difficult.
Obese? Then exercise more and eat healthy. Simple but very very hard.
Smoking? Then stop smoking. Simple but very very hard.
Alcoholic? Then quit drinking. Simple, but not only hard but in fact potentially dangerous (delirium tremens and whatnot.)
Oh, you’re no fun. 
@needscoffeeand @Chefguy, thanks for your input, definitely worth a look.
And apologies to the other posters who tuned in for a ham-and-cheese sandwich seminar only to have the other half of the thread turn… dark (as it were).
Hope our input helps with your output!
Sex, took me years to get it right.
I’m guessing you didn’t mind the years of practice, though 
I suppose that after you get your spiffy new toilet accessory we’ll see you change your username to burpo_the_wonder_butt.
My son and I work on old cars on the weekends.
Jobs that take “4 hours” take at least 4 days.
There’s sort of a Pareto Principle squared when it comes to working on old machinery, old buildings, or old infrastructure.
In this formulation, 10% of the work takes 90% of the time. You can’t know which 10% will contain the ginormous snag; just that it will exist, it will bite you, and it will blow your cost, effort, and schedule estimates into the next order of magnitude.
You’ve still left out the most difficult task.
That should read:
- Open Dishwasher.
- Note that the bottom shelf of dishwasher has been stacked haphazardly, and although there are only 3 bowls and 2 plates in there, they are so firmly jammed in it is impossible to fit anything else.
- Nevertheless, attempt to shove plate in, eventually giving up just before breaking it.
- Remove plate and one of the jammed in bowls (difficult).
- Repeat step 3.
- Fail.
- In frustration, remove everything from bottom shelf - including cutlery basket.
- Restack dishwasher PROPERLY!!!, marvelling at how simple and yet elegant a task it can be.
Pulling those little safety tabs off of food or condiment bottles.
One of two things is going to happen. I’m either going to rip the tab off leaving the cover or the tab is too slippery for me to get a hold of.
In each instance, I have to grab a knife from the drawer and pry the tab off of there.
Doing ANYTHING with a 4-yr-old.
What this thread illustrates is that almost any task looks complicated if you write down all the individual steps.
Not to mention those little stickers on produce. They always seem to be maddeningly difficult to remove, either leaving the adhesive residue behind or taking the skin of the produce off with it.
My wife already has a similar epithet she bandies about; I’m sure you’ll have no trouble figuring it out.