# Simpson's Quotes on a Desert Island **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 30, 2002, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936 "2002-03-30T16:30:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2002, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/21 "2002-03-31T15:35:01Z")
Groundskeeper Willie (filling in for a French class): BONJOURRRRRRRRRRR, ya cheese-eatin’ surrender monkeys! From one of the Halloween episodes: (The Lard Lad Donut man comes to Homer’s door to get his donut back) Homer: I told you, I don’t have it. Try…Flanders’ house. Yeah, go kill Flanders. (to himself) He came to life. Good for him! Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn! It’s what seperates us from the animals…except the weasels. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2002, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/22 "2002-03-31T17:02:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Cliffy \* > \*\*There are about a million tied for second place, so I won’t choose. But the best is: > > Homer: White gold! Texas T! > > Sugar! > > –Cliffy \*\* actually, it should be: “White gold! Texas tea…sweetener!” ---
**Author:** ![Punoqllads](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d2c977/32.png) [@Punoqllads](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Punoqllads)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2002, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/23 "2002-03-31T22:06:04Z")
Ralph Wiggum: And when the doctor said I didn’t have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life. Miss Hoover: Thank you, Ralph. Very graphic. Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder! Honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for Attempted Chemistry? Salesman: Those are speed holes. They make the car go faster. Homer: Oh, yeah. Speed holes. Honorable mention: CBG: Oh, yeah, everyone’s _real_ happy then. Lyndsay: Do I detect a note of sarcasm? Frink: [Pulls out sarcasm detection machine] Are you kidding me? This baby is off the charts. CBC: Ooh a sarcasm detector, that’s a _real_ useful invention. [Detector explodes] ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2002, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/24 "2002-03-31T22:34:03Z")
I _still_ don’t understand why I would have used the pages from all my books as toilet paper. I’d probably be more likely to use leaves from bushes, or palm fronds, or better yet, walk out into the water after I do my business, and _wash_ myself. 1. Fine print on the pro-carnivore film they showed Lisa’s class when she set off the independent thought alarm twice in one day: [sub]Number 632 in the “Resistance is Useless” series[/sub] 2. Homer, on hearing of an impending teacher’s strike: That’s not the American way! When you hate your work, you’re supposed to show up and do a really crappy job! 3. Bart (following Santa’s instructions from the commercial): Get me **Bonestorm** or go to Hell! Marge: _BART!_ Homer: I’ll handle this, Marge. (to Bart) Listen here, young man! In this house we use a little word called “Please!” ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/25 "2002-04-01T13:15:20Z")
Troy McClure to Selma: “Kissing you is like licking some sort of diviine ashtray.” ---
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/26 "2002-04-01T13:29:04Z")
1. Homer sells his blimp tickets to Barney and is sitting dejectedly at the kitchen table, holding a pickle in the air. “Hey, there, blimpie … boy … flying through the _snif_ sky so … fancy … free! _sob_” 1. Apu Americanizes his store in order to avoid being deported as an illegal alien. “The nye Mets are my favorite baseball squadron!” 1. Treehouse of Horror V, The Shinning. **Smithers** : Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing _this_ that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families? **Burns** : Hmm…perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone’s slaughtered, I owe you a Coke. ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/27 "2002-04-01T13:31:45Z")
1. Homer: “I! Hate! You! Walt! Freaking! Whitman! “Leaves of Grass”, my ass!” 2. Homer: “In your face, space coyote!” 3. Ralp Wiggum - “I bent my wookie.” ---
**Author:** ![elf6c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c57346/32.png) [@elf6c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elf6c)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/28 "2002-04-01T13:55:08Z")
Ralph, our hero: “me fail english, that’s unpossible” “its smells like hotdogs” “and that’s where I saw the leprechan---- he tells me to burn things” Bonus: Sea Captain: “Arrr, I don’t know what I’m doing” _-me_ Oh and its “alcohol” not “beer” in a prior post, see below.😉 ---
**Author:** ![TheTailor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f0a364/32.png) [@TheTailor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheTailor)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/29 "2002-04-01T15:06:26Z")
Apu: “Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!” * * * Rex Banner: “Are you the Beer Baron?” Ned Flanders: “Well, if you meet root beer, I’m gui-diddly-itly as char-diddly-arged.” Rex: “He’s not the Beer Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in. What about you? Are you the Beer Baron?” CBSG: “Yes, but only by night. By day, I am a mild-mannered reported for a major metropolitan newspaper” Rex: “Don’t crack wise with me, Tubby.” CBSG: “Tubby? Ah. yes. Tubby.” * * * I love Fat Tony wayyyy too much, so he gets two: Fat Tony: “Alright, here are your papers. You are Apu Nahasapemipetilan. You were born in Green Bay, Wisconsin to parents Mike and Judy Nahasapemipetilan.” -and this one isn’t necessarily the quote itself, but the way he says it: Homer: (disdainfully) “Oh Fat Tony!” Fat Tony: “What? What did I do?” ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Moto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@Mr.Moto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Moto)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/30 "2002-04-01T15:30:29Z")
Ralph: “These berries taste like…burning.” Lisa: “We can eat the slime!” Bart: “Every night the monkey butlers will regale us with stories.” Oops…thought you wanted quotes from the desert island. Never mind. ---
**Author:** ![Judith\_Prietht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b19c9b/32.png) [@Judith\_Prietht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Judith_Prietht)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/31 "2002-04-01T15:39:21Z")
Principal Skinner: “Nibbles! Chew through my ball sack!” ---
**Author:** ![Velma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/85e7bf/32.png) [@Velma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velma)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/32 "2002-04-01T16:14:07Z")
There’s too many…but these 3 came to mind. Homer, about Lisa: “Yeah, and this perpetual motion machine she made is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster!” “Lisa, get in here! In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!” Homer talking in his sleep by his sugar pile: (said in a mexican accent) “In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power. THEN you get the women.” Lisa, who doesn’t want to buy new shoes: “Jesus wore sandals.” Homer: “Well maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn’t have caught him.” sneaking one more in…shhhh Homer, in Moe’s bar: "I have this friend…Joey Jo-Jo, Jr.,…Shabadu… Moe: “That’s the dumbest name I ever heard.” a man runs out of the bar, crying Barney: “Hey, Joey, Jo-Jo!” ---
**Author:** ![Lenny\_Carl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9dc877/32.png) [@Lenny\_Carl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lenny_Carl)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/33 "2002-04-01T18:09:15Z")
1. Apu: I must go to the head office and appeal my case. Homer: I’m coming with you. I got you fired; it’s the least I can do. Well, the least I can do is absolutely nothing, but I’ll go you one better and come along! Apu: But, sir, the head office is in India. Homer: OK. Lisa: Dad, that’s over ten thousand miles away. Homer: I’m aware of that! Lisa: That’s over sixteen thousand kilometers! Homer: D’oh! * * * 1. [Homer searches under the couch for a peanut] Homer: Hmm…ow, pointy! Eww, slimy. Oh! Moving! Ah-ha! [pulls out $20 bill. He looks, then says remorsefully] Oh, twenty dollars… but I wanted a peanut! Homer’s brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts! Homer: Explain how. Homer’s brain: Money can be exchanged for good and services. * * * 1. Quimby: Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town. You’re just a bunch of low-income nobodies! Assistant: [sotto voce] Uh, election in November. Election in November… Quimby: What!?? Again?? This stupid country. * * * One more… Bart and Millhouse are sitting on the curb after running out of money. Bart: Oh, man, how are we supposed to kill the rest of the afternoon? Bum: [energetic and inspirational] You mustn’t kill time, boys, you must cherish it. Seize the day!.. [slumps back] Can I have some change to go get loaded? ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/34 "2002-04-01T18:51:24Z")
Homer: (teaching The Three Great Sentences to Bart, and perhaps misquoting himself) Cover for me. It was like that when I got here. Great idea, boss! ---
**Author:** ![Great\_Dave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/46a35a/32.png) [@Great\_Dave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Great_Dave)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/35 "2002-04-01T19:30:37Z")
Troy McLure: Hi, I’m Troy McLure! You might remember me from such educational films as “One minus two equals negative fun,” and “Sally doesn’t live anymore.” Homer, leaving the house for one of his schemes: If we don’t return, avenge deaths. And as the beer baron: I’m not going to lie to you, Marge. and trying to cover for the exploding stills in the basement: Boom! Kablammo! Must be that _bean_ I had for dinner. So many more, and so many good ones already covered. ---
**Author:** ![Ferrous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Ferrous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferrous)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/36 "2002-04-01T20:07:28Z")
Mr. Burns: “Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she’s losing? Well I say, hard cheese!” * * * Homer: “Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?” Lisa: “No.” Homer: “Ham?” Lisa: “No.” Homer: “Pork chops?” Lisa: “Dad! Those all come from the same animal!” Homer: “Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal!” ---
**Author:** ![chief](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df788c/32.png) [@chief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chief)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/37 "2002-04-01T21:58:39Z")
Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns, I believe you have a letter for me. Postman: Ok Mr. Burns, what is your first name? Homer: I Don’t Know!!! * * * Homer: Can’t Murder Now, Eating! ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/38 "2002-04-01T22:19:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Max Carnage \* > \*\* > > actually, it should be: “White gold! Texas tea…sweetener!” \*\* D’oh! I knew that – that’s what makes it so funny. I just typed it wrong. –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![Rubicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/58f4c7/32.png) [@Rubicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubicon)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/39 "2002-04-01T23:44:00Z")
Barney, after a bender, referencing my alma mater: “All I can remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe that was a street corner…” Grandpa, upon finding a torn wrapper on the sidewalk: “Latex condo? I’d sure like to live in one of those!” Moe, to his patrons, after answering the phone: “Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I’m looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can’t I find Amanda Huggenkiss?” Barney’s response: “Maybe your standards are too high!” ---
**Author:** ![Ell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e47774/32.png) [@Ell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ell)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2002, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936/40 "2002-04-02T14:33:50Z")
Homer: “Kentucky Fried Panda…it’s finger Ling Ling good.” Homer: “Super fun happy slide!” Rev Lovejoy: “Homer, can you see a light?” Homer: “Yes” RL: “Move towards the light, my son” H: “Owwww!” And a bonus Jasper: “Sidewalk’s for reg’lar walkin’, not for fancy walkin’” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/simpsons-quotes-on-a-desert-island/100936.md?page=3)