# Single straight males: if an attractive woman makes the first move, are you likely to be dismayed... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 9, 2011, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434 "2011-11-09T22:05:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![SecretaryofEvil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@SecretaryofEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecretaryofEvil)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2011, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/21 "2011-11-09T23:46:07Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > I thought I posted this, but maybe it got lost in the hamster cage… > > The question is, are you interested in a “Wow, cool, I think I have an easy way to get with an attractive chick” kind of way, or a “Wow, this woman seems like a suitable life partner” kind of way? > > Of course anyone is going to like the positive attention from a person they find attractive, and most guys are going to be pleased with the possibility of a little action from a good looking woman in most any circumstance. I don’t think women are concerned that being agressive is less likely to be successful, as much as it is likely to lead to a shorter term relationship. > > I never liked the “hunter” metaphor. We haven’t been cavemen for a while, and I don’t think the lines are that easy to draw But what I do think is that it takes time for an emotional bond to form, and if a woman is driving the relationship, many men will happily go along for the ride as far as she’ll take it, and then hop off when they lose interest. If you are looking for a longer-term thing, you are more likely to get that when they guy feels like he has made an investment. The more you put in to something, the more you feel like it must be worth it. > > That doesn’t mean that a woman can’t make a first move, but it’s okay to hang back and let him match you play for play. If a guy finds you attractive, he’ll pretty much always be up for sex if you are moving towards that, so if you make it easy of course he’ll go there and you’ll have fun, but you won’t know where the relationship is going. Taking things slow and letting him do some of the work will give you a better idea of how he sees your future relationship. Contrarily, a man might worry if a woman genuinely likes him, or if she just likes all the time, money, and effort he is “investing” in pursuing a relationship with her. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/22 "2011-11-10T00:17:33Z")
I would like it and probably end up respecting her more for it. The idea that all men are interested in the chase and prefer to be the aggressors is as obnoxious and sexist as saying that all women want to be chased and should be passive. The only guy she’ll turn off by being assertive is the kind of guy who insists on the idea that men and women need to fit in those old-fashioned models. Besides, if she’s comfortable enough to make the first move that’s an aspect of who she is, assertive and confident, so any guy who doesn’t like that probably wouldn’t be a good match anyway. A woman who insists on being passive and letting the guy make the first move will mostly only get those kinds of guys, and she needs to decide if that’s what she wants. And, personally speaking, I’m kind of shy myself, and at least a couple of the women I’ve dated made the first move and it made me more attracted to them precisely because they were confident and willing to go against those conventions. In fact, if anything, I find women who play hard to get or chase or aren’t willing to put themselves out there at all rather unappealing. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/23 "2011-11-10T00:24:06Z")
I’m interested to read this thread, because my mom has repeatedly said the same thing as “Donna” in your OP. Of course, it would be rude to bring up her 2 divorces and string of relationships to horribly abusive guys, so I don’t. But her romantic judgment is about the least fucking trustworthy I’ve ever experienced. If there’s a guy out there who is turned off by my pursuit of him, then he’s a neanderthal fucker that I don’t want to date, anyway. Moreover, if I never made “moves,” I would have had less than half of the relationships I’ve ever had in my life. I would classify all but one of those relationships as successful. And in the one I consider failed (because I was obligated to break it off because he was abusive), \*he \*did the pursuing. :rolleyes: Also, “Donna’s” advice doesn’t show consideration for lesbian couples. :o ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/24 "2011-11-10T00:24:21Z")
I married two women who made the first move, so no not dismayed. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/25 "2011-11-10T00:39:32Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > Also, “Donna’s” advice doesn’t show consideration for lesbian couples. :o Well, why would it? She wasn’t talking in general terms; she was giving advice to a particular straight woman. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/26 "2011-11-10T00:41:16Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Well, why would it? She wasn’t talking in general terms; she was giving advice to a particular straight woman. It’s relevant in that it doesn’t seem “Donna” has thought, for even a single picosecond, that a woman being assertive might have a purpose. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/27 "2011-11-10T00:47:15Z")
Wouldn’t life be so much simpler if “men” and “women” were taken out of these equations, and we could all just be human beings interacting with other human beings? ♪ \*You may say that I’m a dreamer… but I’m not the only one… \*♪ ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/28 "2011-11-10T00:50:17Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > Wouldn’t life be so much simpler if “men” and “women” were taken out of these equations, and we could all just be human beings interacting with other human beings? > > ♪ \*You may say that I’m a dreamer… but I’m not the only one… \*♪ Life would also be simpler if nutritious, delciious manna appeared on the ground each morning, obviating the necessity to go out and eke out a living. But so what? Men _aren’t_ identical to women. We think in different ways. While I think that Donna was full of shit on this issue (though I didn’t say so), I don’t fool myself that the thought pattern of the “typical” straight woman matches that of the “typical” straight man. I have too many sisters for that. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/29 "2011-11-10T01:02:22Z")
She’s just _asking_ to be raped. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/30 "2011-11-10T01:06:24Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > She’s just _asking_ to be raped. What the fuck are you talking about? ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/31 "2011-11-10T01:06:59Z")
Straight Male, 31. HELL yes. _Please_ bring me an aggressive girl. Just the way I like it. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/32 "2011-11-10T01:19:10Z")
> [@SecretaryofEvil](#): > > Contrarily, a man might worry if a woman genuinely likes him, or if she just likes all the time, money, and effort he is “investing” in pursuing a relationship with her. Absolutely. When men show too much interest too soon and pursue a little too one sidedly, we call it “creepy,” and it’s a dealbreaker with a lot of ladies. I think women benefit from learning that while the word is different, they can become creepy as well. We are taught that once we have begun a relationship, we should immediately pull out all the stops to show how worthy we are- so we do things…cook elaborate meals, send little “thinking of you” text messages, give little gifts, etc. early in the relationships. I know I’ve done it. I’m a good cook, and I once cooked a guy a five course meal on our third date! :smack: What I was missing there is that the message I was sending is “I go to these lengths for men I barely know, for some unknown and probably not good reason.” With the new guy, he’ll get his five course meal eventually- once we know each other a bit better. THen he’ll feel like he’s gotten something everyone doesn’t get, like it’s a true gift rather than a bargaining chip or stunt. For obvious reasons, I think men are more likely than women to stay in the early stages of a relationship that they know has no long-term potential as long as it is moving forward. I think men who are obviously loaded or are exceedingly good looking may well end up in the same situation as attractive women, and if they are relationship-minded, that can indeed be a hassle. ---
**Author:** ![SecretaryofEvil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@SecretaryofEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecretaryofEvil)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/33 "2011-11-10T02:33:09Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > I think men who are obviously loaded or are exceedingly good looking may well end up in the same situation as attractive women, and if they are relationship-minded, that can indeed be a hassle. Oh yes, since I’m exceedingly good looking and obviously loaded, it has been quite the hassle for me. I agree that a woman could certainly come on too strong too early. But making the first move or asking a man out is hardly the same thing as rushing into a relationship too quickly or having unrealistic or conflicting expectations of where the relationship is heading in the future. ---
**Author:** ![ryan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a8b319/32.png) [@ryan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ryan)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/34 "2011-11-10T02:33:56Z")
Not only no but Hell no! Since I practically have to be hit over the head with a clue-by-four, I’d be thrilled if a woman would take the initiative. Single, straight, early 40’s. ---
**Author:** ![mac\_bolan00](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b3f665/32.png) [@mac\_bolan00](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mac_bolan00)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/35 "2011-11-10T02:43:36Z")
my only wish is it’d be more often since i often shift between a howling wolf and a bump on a log regarding women. i still wake up in the morning recalling how scores of lovelies came on to me while i was in the bump-on-a-log mode. ---
**Author:** ![Sleel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/73ab20/32.png) [@Sleel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleel)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/36 "2011-11-10T02:51:08Z")
I’ve got absolutely no problem with that. I’ve been asked out a few times, and the only time that became a problem was when the girl (I was still in high school) lied to me and was obviously being manipulative. The asking wasn’t off-putting; her behavior on the date and particularly when I dropped her off at home were. ---
**Author:** ![leahcim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b4bc9f/32.png) [@leahcim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leahcim)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/37 "2011-11-10T02:57:54Z")
I estimate that 80% of my lifetime intimate relationships have started from the attractive woman making the first move. IMO there is no woman hotter than the woman who wants you. ---
**Author:** ![Hbns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Hbns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hbns)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/38 "2011-11-10T03:04:32Z")
> [@ryan](#): > > Not only no but Hell no! Since I practically have to be hit over the head with a clue-by-four, I’d be thrilled if a woman would take the initiative. > Single, straight, early 40’s. Me to a tee. ---
**Author:** ![YourAdHere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/65b543/32.png) [@YourAdHere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YourAdHere)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/39 "2011-11-10T03:12:03Z")
I’d like it, feel flattered, and automatically like her and want to go out with her bc I know she likes me. ---
**Author:** ![dukette71](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8edcca/32.png) [@dukette71](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dukette71)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/40 "2011-11-10T03:34:48Z")
I have found that the point where you sleep with a guy is where he stops trying to get to know you better. Soooooooo…(not that this is how it _should_ be)- if you like the guy, wait for him to show interest. If you are just trying to get laid- GO FOR IT! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434.md?page=3)