# Single straight males: if an attractive woman makes the first move, are you likely to be dismayed... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 9, 2011, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434 "2011-11-09T22:05:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/61 "2011-11-10T15:57:40Z")
In my relationship experience, women almost always HAVE made the first move, after a fashion. They didn’t really ask me out or anything, but they made it obvious by more subtle cues (engaging in conversation, arranging to be in my company, or what have you–more than just nonverbal posturing) that they were interested. I’ve been straight-up asked out a couple of times, and it was cool. ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/62 "2011-11-10T18:21:59Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > … or to respect her less? > > No hypothetical setup here. The question arises because of a conversation at work. Two female cubicle neighbors – one in her mid-forties, the other in her early twenties – were talking; the former was advising the latter not to be overt in making advances toward a man she likes; her argument was “Men don’t like that. Men want to _chase_, not to be chased. he won’t like it and even if he responds, he won’t respect you.” At that, a third person in the cubicle farm – this one male – put his two cents in, saying basically, “Oh, fuck that shit. You’re stuck in the 50s, Donna Reed. I’m a single straight guy, and I love it when a woman cuts through the bullshit and asks me out. And I don’t respect her any less, either; I’m grateful she saved me from having to think up something clever to say, or otherwise play games.” > > An argument ensued, which I had to call an end to because it was distracting to the whole floor. I thought it might make a good poll, though. > > Thoughts? > > Poll in a moment, but you needn’t let that slow you down. This seems like a leading question. If you actually read the whole scenario, the question should be how you feel when a woman makes the first move. But instead, you ask “If an _attractive_ woman makes the first move, are you likely to be dismayed?” (emphasis mine) I had a discussion with a friend one time, who was pretty much saying exactly what everyone in this thread is saying “Oh, it would be wonderful if a woman approached me and asked me out, it would take off the pressure and I wouldn’t have to interpret her behavior and we could just launch right into getting to know each other and possibly developing into something more serious.” But then I asked him, “Would it still be wonderful if she was ugly and had an obnoxious personality?” “No,” he admitted, “that would suck.” So I think the real question is, what if a woman makes the first move and you’re not attracted to her? Because, to be honest, I think this is a more likely scenario. If a man is attracted to a woman, even if he is too shy to ask her out, he will usually find some way to want to be around her. If the woman is attracted to him, she will similarly make excuses to be around him, touch him, joke with him, etc. Their friendship may move awfully slowly, but eventually, it can develop into something more without anyone officially having to ask the other one out on a date. If a woman asks a man out on a date, there’s a good chance that she’s doing this because she wants their relationship to progress further than it currently looks to be progressing. While this could perhaps be because the man is shy, it is quite likely that the reason their relationship is not progressing further is because the man is not interested, and therefore not providing the woman with the opportunities to flirt and make herself available. ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/63 "2011-11-10T19:27:51Z")
I have never met anyone but the ‘seduction technique’ people who are interested in pursuing women, and that is in a score keeping sort of way, as opposed to looking for relationships. Everyone I know enjoys the give and take playful flirting in the beginning of a relationship, but that is after mutual attraction has been confirmed. Every man I know would like to have her outwardly give an obvious clue, like, “I would really like to ask you out, but I don’t want to turn you off, so I won’t.” That line has always captured my interest, and, like many here, most of my relationships started with an expression of interest from her! I have also been hit on by people that are NOT in my range of interest, and it does suck. But at least I have the opportunity to tell them no just once, and don’t have to keep avoiding flirting. ---
**Author:** ![ProbablyProcrastinating](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/57b2e6/32.png) [@ProbablyProcrastinating](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ProbablyProcrastinating)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/64 "2011-11-10T19:44:00Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Because he’s ugly?😃 Well what if he’s really nice and smart and talented? I think once you get to be a certain age you can rest assured that most of the women dating are sick of jerks and a lot of really hot guys know they are and act accordingly. So ugly men, take comfort… ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/65 "2011-11-10T19:46:27Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > This seems like a leading question. If you actually read the whole scenario, the question should be how you feel when a woman makes the first move. But instead, you ask “If an _attractive_ woman makes the first move, are you likely to be dismayed?” (emphasis mine) What’s your point? We all want people whom we find attractive to be attracted to us. I think Aly Hannigan’s oddly hot and that girl from Transformers is kinda grody, so if I were single I’d be pleased to be approached by the former and dismayed by the latter. > [@](#): > > I had a discussion with a friend one time, who was pretty much saying exactly what everyone in this thread is saying “Oh, it would be wonderful if a woman approached me and asked me out, it would take off the pressure and I wouldn’t have to interpret her behavior and we could just launch right into getting to know each other and possibly developing into something more serious.” But then I asked him, “Would it still be wonderful if she was ugly and had an obnoxious personality?” “No,” he admitted, “that would suck.” > > So I think the real question is, what if a woman makes the first move and you’re not attracted to her? That is not the real question. It is a deliberate misreading of the real question. If you read the OP, you’ll see that the discussion began with a woman claiming that men are put off by women making the first move, and respect women less for doing so, because they (men) not only wish to be the pursuer, but prefer to be chaste than chased. The situation you bring up in the rest of your post is simply a way not to answer the question. It’s as if you asked me, “Skaldimus, did you ever sexually harass anyone while president of the Evil League of Evil,” and I replied, “I don’t recall any details of settling such a suit, as it would have been handled by the lawyers.” ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/66 "2011-11-10T19:53:41Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > That is not the real question. It is a deliberate misreading of the real question. If you read the OP, you’ll see that the discussion began with a woman claiming that men are put off by women making the first move, and respect women less for doing so, because they (men) not only wish to be the pursuer, but prefer to be chaste than chased. The situation you bring up in the rest of your post is simply a way not to answer the question. It’s as if you asked me, “Skaldimus, did you ever sexually harass anyone while president of the Evil League of Evil,” and I replied, “I don’t recall any details of settling such a suit, as it would have been handled by the lawyers.” There’s nothing inherently wrong with asking whether men would like an attractive woman to make the first move. What I’m suggesting is that your question is incongruent with the scenario that prompted the question, because your question assumes that the woman is attractive, while no such assumption was made in the office conversation. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/67 "2011-11-10T20:27:35Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > There’s nothing inherently wrong with asking whether men would like an attractive woman to make the first move. What I’m suggesting is that your question is incongruent with the scenario that prompted the question, because your question assumes that the woman is attractive, while no such assumption was made in the office conversation. I think that assumption was indeed made. The assumption inherent in the claim that a man will not like it if he’s not allowed to “chase” a woman is that the man and woman are already mutually attracted to each other. If the woman wasn’t attracted to the man, she wouldn’t want to make the first move in any case, and if the man wasn’t attracted to the woman, he wouldn’t be inclined to “chase” in the first place. So yeah, the question **Skald** posed is “Would you like it if a woman you’re attracted to made the first move or not?” Given that the intent is to find out if not being allowed to make the first move actually does put the man off despite mutual attraction, it’s a meaningful question. As for me, I’ve spent more than enough time “chasing” women who turned out to not be very attracted to me at all, so I very much appreciate forwardness. Saves a lot of time and trouble. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/68 "2011-11-10T20:36:57Z")
59, and not at all, assuming I was eligible which I’m not. I don’t understand the concern about it being too serious - asking out is just asking out. If an attractive woman came up to me and said “I saw you from across the room - do you want to get married?” I’d be concerned, especially because I always wear my wedding ring. I understand why “attractive” was added - it cuts to the chase. But attractive is in the eye of the beholder, and unless a woman has large warts on her nose and a broomstick, she might well be more attractive to a particular guy than she thinks. I suspect most guys without a ring of eager women around them would be flattered even if they weren’t interested. ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/69 "2011-11-10T20:45:03Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > I think that assumption was indeed made. The assumption inherent in the claim that a man will not like it if he’s not allowed to “chase” a woman is that the man and woman are already mutually attracted to each other. If the woman wasn’t attracted to the man, she wouldn’t want to make the first move in any case, and if the man wasn’t attracted to the woman, he wouldn’t be inclined to “chase” in the first place. All right, I can understand this point. **Skald** , if all you were trying to do was ask whether men enjoyed the chase, then I’m sorry, your question was on point. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/70 "2011-11-10T21:06:11Z")
It’s funny that this question should come up because recently two guys, completely independent of one another, expressed to me the complete opposite of the consensus here. They both said that they prefer to be the one who approaches the woman. I didn’t ask them to explain their reasoning, unfortunately. But I think it has something to do with them wanting to feel in charge of things, not led by the hand by a woman. ---
**Author:** ![Trom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@Trom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trom)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/71 "2011-11-10T21:22:25Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > It’s funny that this question should come up because recently two guys, completely independent of one another, expressed to me the complete opposite of the consensus here. They both said that they prefer to be the one who approaches the woman. I didn’t ask them to explain their reasoning, unfortunately. But I think it has something to do with them wanting to feel in charge of things, not led by the hand by a woman. This past weekend I had a girl in a bar come up to me and say, “My sister wants your number.” The sister was standing right next us. I exchanged numbers with the sister and parted ways. I will admit that one has me feeling a bit weird. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/72 "2011-11-10T21:29:52Z")
I think women making the first move is f\*cking great, It would be one less thing I would have to worry about doing. Just be prepared to hear ‘no’, or some lie to you about being with someone… (I don’t have good luck or any ‘game’.) ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/73 "2011-11-10T21:45:28Z")
> [@Larry\_Mudd](#): > > Are you kidding me? Not a problem. ^^^This! I’d LOVE to be asked out! ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/74 "2011-11-10T21:48:24Z")
I wouldn’t be dismayed. Potentially wary (“Is she trying to sell me a time share or something?”), but not dismayed. ---
**Author:** ![ballardfam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8797f3/32.png) [@ballardfam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ballardfam)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/75 "2011-11-10T22:19:17Z")
I think that there’s still some perception out there that men who chase are romantic and strong while women who chase are delusional & weak. Look at the movies - “Say Anything” vs “All About Steve”. Yeah, that’s extreme, but there’s a whole history of media which mostly perceives women who chase as ‘wrong’. Possibly much more prevalent an attitude for older people. I think we’ve slowly come to see a more varied presentation of romance. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/76 "2011-11-10T23:20:06Z")
My inner cynic would worry that she might be a psychology student conducting an experiment, like the famous one that demonstrated that nearly all men would go for it if an attractive young woman asked for no-strings sex out of the blue, but otherwise, in my single days it would have been welcome if I found her attractive and, by and large, inoffensive if I didn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_the\_Immortal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Max\_the\_Immortal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_the_Immortal)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/77 "2011-11-11T04:31:37Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > It’s funny that this question should come up because recently two guys, completely independent of one another, expressed to me the complete opposite of the consensus here. They both said that they prefer to be the one who approaches the woman. I didn’t ask them to explain their reasoning, unfortunately. But I think it has something to do with them wanting to feel in charge of things, not led by the hand by a woman. I’m curious: roughly how old are said guys? ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/78 "2011-11-11T05:09:37Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > Also, “Donna’s” advice doesn’t show consideration for lesbian couples. :o Well if an attractive lesbian couple asked me out I’d be all over that shit! ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 7:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/79 "2011-11-11T07:48:55Z")
> [@ProbablyProcrastinating](#): > > So ugly men, take comfort… Woo hoo! ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434/80 "2011-11-11T14:45:49Z")
> [@Max\_the\_Immortal](#): > > I’m curious: roughly how old are said guys? Early 30’s. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-straight-males-if-an-attractive-woman-makes-the-first-move-are-you-likely-to-be-dismayed/602434.md?page=5)