# Single women--if you don't ask men out, why? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 10, 2011, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491 "2011-11-10T07:33:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/21 "2011-11-10T20:46:13Z")
> [@ProbablyProcrastinating](#): > > I rarely ask because I’m afraid they’ll take it to mean, “I want to have sex with you in the broom closet in 10 minutes” and sometimes I’m really just interested in getting to know them better first. I asked a lot of guys out on dates when I was in highschool/college, and I eventually came to the conclusion that (most) men would never ask out a woman who they were not willing to have sex with. I stopped asking for dinner&movie dates, and started inviting men to group activities, like hiking or a friend’s party. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I had to date again now. ---
**Author:** ![nikonikosuru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5f8ce5/32.png) [@nikonikosuru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nikonikosuru)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/22 "2011-11-10T21:05:31Z")
Not single but if I was I wouldn’t. I’m too shy, no self-confidence and I feel socially awkward. I’m much better than I used to be but I don’t feel anywhere near close to going on the offensive. I’ve been fortunate in that guys ask me out. Otherwise, I’d probably be a crazy cat lady forever. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/23 "2011-11-10T21:40:31Z")
> [@ProbablyProcrastinating](#): > > Do you ask men out? Why or why not? I’m not attracted to men who don’t want to court me and win me over, so I would never ask a man out. If he isn’t intererested enough to make that first move, he’s not for me. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/24 "2011-11-10T21:51:16Z")
40-year-old single femal here: it’s been a while, but yes, I ask men out. It’s rare to meet someone single, straight, attractive (to me), and interesting enough, but when the planets align I’m not afraid to do it. What do I have to lose? I mean, sure, rejection sucks, but at least then I _know_ they’re not interested. And when they say yes, it’s a kick. 🙂 I also email men first on OKCupid (when I’m in the mood to try to meet someone) instead of just waiting for them to come to me. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/25 "2011-11-10T21:56:57Z")
I hate when women make the first move because i feel like a total jerk when i am not interested. Which is actually every single time it’s happened, although that is not exactly a big number or anything. Getting asked out by totally gorgeous woman i would be really into? Great, but that never happens. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/26 "2011-11-10T22:14:34Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > I hate when women make the first move because i feel like a total jerk when i am not interested. Guess how women feel when we schlubs do it to them. It’s not a gender thing, just an awkward situation. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/27 "2011-11-10T22:21:41Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > Guess how women feel when we schlubs do it to them. It’s not a gender thing, just an awkward situation. I think Chris Rock said it best “It’s easy for you women to say no, men have been trying to fuck you since you were 12”. I’m sure it’s an awkward situation for both sexes, but most men only get asked out by women maybe a handful of times over their lifetime. ---
**Author:** ![Stendhal\_Syndrome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/77aa72/32.png) [@Stendhal\_Syndrome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stendhal_Syndrome)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/28 "2011-11-10T22:54:19Z")
I am 32, and married now. The men I have asked out in the past are the ones I have met a few times, hung out, and the ones who have shown some sort of interest in me via body language, flirting or whatever. I am comfortable doing that and it’s probably because having a certain level attraction on both sides is important to me and I think it’s also because it is somewhat comforting knowing that my chances of being shot down are low that way. 🙂 But I have never asked men out after meeting them just once at a party or a bar, but I have been asked out in that situation multiple times. I met my hubby online and I showed an interest in him first. However, online dating and "asking out "is different than how it happens in the non-virtual world. ---
**Author:** ![2ManyTacos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/2/3da27b/32.png) [@2ManyTacos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2ManyTacos)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/29 "2011-11-10T23:26:22Z")
> [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](#): > > I asked a lot of guys out on dates when I was in highschool/college, and I eventually came to the conclusion that (most) men would never ask out a woman who they were not willing to have sex with. I stopped asking for dinner&movie dates, and started inviting men to group activities, like hiking or a friend’s party. > I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I had to date again now. This makes no sense. Maybe women just feel differently about this whole thing than guys do, but seriously, why would you even ask a guy out on a date if you weren’t at least receptive to the idea of having sex with him? ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2011, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/30 "2011-11-10T23:31:24Z")
> [@2ManyTacos](#): > > …I can’t imagine that any guy wouldn’t feel _flattered_ at having the girl doing the asking and making the first move. One would think that, but it isn’t true. Sometimes they’re repulsed that the girl in question likes them and are anything but flattered. Not that I’d know from experience or anything. ---
**Author:** ![dukette71](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8edcca/32.png) [@dukette71](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dukette71)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/31 "2011-11-11T02:29:39Z")
No! Strangely enough, they can be interested in sex without actually being interested in you as a person. Waiting for them to ask you out weeds out many of the uninterested ones. I know I sound like a little old lady saying this, but if I had understood this in my teens and twenties it would have saved me from some bad times. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/32 "2011-11-11T03:27:01Z")
> [@ProbablyProcrastinating](#): > > I rarely ask because I’m afraid they’ll take it to mean, “I want to have sex with you in the broom closet in 10 minutes” and sometimes I’m really just interested in getting to know them better first. This is exactly why not. If I wanted to date him, I’d want to sleep with him obviously, but being _that_ aggressive seems to imply an urgency to do so that I don’t feel very often. ---
**Author:** ![Ashes\_Ashes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/db5fbb/32.png) [@Ashes\_Ashes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashes_Ashes)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/33 "2011-11-11T03:38:50Z")
> [@Blaster\_Master](#): > > Ditto. I hate chasing.. But all the romance novels say the guy is supposed to pursue the girl!☹ I’ve never asked and I’m always surprised when someone does. I just figure every interaction is platonic, 'cause I’m not perfect. In my messed up mind I believe I have to be perfect in order to be considered minimally worthy of interest. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/34 "2011-11-11T04:45:48Z")
I’m married now, but when I was single, I did indeed ask guys out upon occasion. I agree that it’s unfair to want men to take the whole burden of rejection upon themselves and also, it _is_ a good weeding-out factor. I never had any desire to hook-up with a shrinking violet or some fellow who was the type who preferred women who liked a chase. Too many head games I wasn’t interested in. Plus, I never had a problem with anyone pushing sex. I didn’t partake until I was 24 and I dated plenty, no matter who did the asking. ---
**Author:** ![chacoguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/50afbb/32.png) [@chacoguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chacoguy)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/35 "2011-11-11T07:40:33Z")
> [@PandaBear77](#): > > Men are wired to chase. Gee, broad brush much? Women are frigid and manipulative. It’s kinda cool that we’re both omniscient; wanna go out? ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Warrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Electric\_Warrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Warrior)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/36 "2011-11-11T09:38:36Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Oops, I didn’t realize the poll was exclusive - I am not single. Sorry. Whoops, me neither (except in the traditional sense of single = not married). But I’ve certainly spent enough time being single that I can respond with regard to my single experiences. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/37 "2011-11-11T10:39:20Z")
Well, “ask out” to me seems to imply to me (Euro-doper) like “shall we go to a bar, the cinema, a restaurant”, i.e. the kind of dating that the Ameri-dopers always insists doesn’t really happen in reality. So, no, I haven’t asked someone out in this classic sense. But I do make the first move sometimes, both off- and online. I’m usually successful too, not because I’m so extraordinarily attractive, but because I think I have the social skills to figure out who would respond positively. In any case, I wouldn’t take a nicely worded rejection (you’re nice but not my type/I’m not single/not really looking right now etc) very hard. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/38 "2011-11-11T14:23:38Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > But the one or two times I’ve asked I’ve been shot down pretty badly, even when there is chemistry. That never happens to guys. ---
**Author:** ![RedBloom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dbc845/32.png) [@RedBloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedBloom)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/39 "2011-11-11T18:00:23Z")
I _never_ asked men out when I was single. I always wanted a man who wasn’t afraid to speak to a woman and had enough confidence to get what he wanted. Of course, the _one_ time I did outwardly flirt and make my interest known worked out. He’s now my husband. ---
**Author:** ![ProbablyProcrastinating](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/57b2e6/32.png) [@ProbablyProcrastinating](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ProbablyProcrastinating)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491/40 "2011-11-11T18:41:39Z")
> [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](#): > > I eventually came to the conclusion that (most) men would never ask out a woman who they were not willing to have sex with. I stopped asking for dinner&movie dates, and started inviting men to group activities, like hiking or a friend’s party. > . I don’t get it. I wouldn’t ask a man out that I wouldn’t consider having sex with, either. Group events are great for both sexes. I’d be way more likely to say yes to a group activity than a date. > [@DigitalC](#): > > I hate when women make the first move because i feel like a total jerk when i am not interested. > [@DigitalC](#): > > I think Chris Rock said it best “It’s easy for you women to say no, men have been trying to fuck you since you were 12”. What do you say, fellas? Let’s share the burden of varieties of emotional mindfuck here. We can all enjoy equal guilt and insecurity if we ask and get asked. I feel HORRID every time I say no to a man. I feel guilty, I feel picky, and superficial. > [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > Well, “ask out” to me seems to imply to me (Euro-doper) like “shall we go to a bar, the cinema, a restaurant”, i.e. the kind of dating that the Ameri-dopers always insists doesn’t really happen in reality. What? Why not? The last two dates I was on were a bar and a restaurant. But then, I spent the last 15 years overseas, so maybe I’m just crazy? > [@](#): > > In any case, I wouldn’t take a nicely worded rejection (you’re nice but not my type/I’m not single/not really looking right now etc) very hard. Yeah. I mean we all have different types. I think Brad Pitt is ugly. I do not get it. Some women whom I think are ugly seem to get date after date and I know them personally and know they aren’t easy. To each his/her own. > [@](#): > > I always wanted a man who wasn’t afraid to speak to a woman and had enough confidence to get what he wanted. Of course, the _one_ time I did outwardly flirt and make my interest known worked out. He’s now my husband. Lucky you. My ex-husband was that “not afraid” “enough confidence” type. It’s because he thought he was the center of the universe and had no regard for my feelings. Bleh. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/single-women-if-you-dont-ask-men-out-why/602491.md?page=3)