# (Sister Dating) What Should I Do?? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 6, 2015, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116 "2015-01-06T11:11:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2015, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/41 "2015-01-06T20:01:50Z")
Sit down with her and explain to her your concerns. The day will come when he breaks her heart, and she will need you. Knowing that you warned her, she will see that you were right. You can’t avoid her stupid decision to date this clowner. But you do **not** need to completely bite your tongue and not share your concerns. All of these morons telling you that your sister’s potentially awful decision to date your friend is not your business are…morons. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2015, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/42 "2015-01-06T20:10:05Z")
Oh My God! She wants to go to a local state school closer to home. Get her away from this monster, NOW! ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2015, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/43 "2015-01-06T20:15:48Z")
> [@bup](#): > > Oh, you mean they live in an ethnic neighborhood? Yeah, maybe your suggestion is better. Even if they have hot rods, it’s a long way to Dead Man’s Curve from the inner city. Perhaps he should just ask his sister to come dancing. She’d have herself a ball. ---
**Author:** ![Calatin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Calatin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Calatin)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2015, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/44 "2015-01-06T20:36:41Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > Sit down with her and explain to her your concerns. > > The day will come when he breaks her heart, and she will need you. Knowing that you warned her, she will see that you were right. > > You can’t avoid her stupid decision to date this clowner. But you do **not** need to completely bite your tongue and not share your concerns. > > All of these morons telling you that your sister’s potentially awful decision to date your friend is not your business are…morons. I know it’s hard to parse the wall of text, but towards the end, he says that he has voiced his concerns, but that they fell on deaf ears. From seeing other similar situations, repeated objections (however muted they may be) won’t do anything to separate the two, but instead might cause her to become defensive and dig her heels in on the situation. I’d only express / re-emphasize my concerns if she came to me complaining about him (and even then, I’d be hesitant and wary). When I was in grad school, a very awkward friend entered into a relationship with a girl who was just as off-putting. It was one of those things that, to me, seemed to work (despite how bizarre they were), but other friends saw warning signs that the relationship was not going to last. They eventually move in together and get a cat. When it came time to take the Bar exam, some people thought it best to rent a hotel room near the testing facilities, to minimize potential complications - traffic, car breaking down, etc. My friend was one such person. Three days later, he came back to their home, and found that she’d completely moved out while he was gone. He had no indication that they were having problems, so needless to say, he was devastated. I was out of town at the time (took a vacation to de-stress from the exam), but I later heard stories of how he was on an emotional roller coaster, regarding his feelings for her. He loved and missed her, but he hated her for leaving him and could never be with her again. Friends began badmouthing her, telling him that they’d never really liked her and telling anecdotes about how horrible she was. Well, needless to say, a few weeks later, the two of them reconcile and he (obliviously) tells her everything that people had said about her during the break-up. It wasn’t to make her mad or to make jabs at her. He just thought it was relevant & interesting. Odd thing is, she didn’t take it personally either, but a few days later, a group of us were at a party, and the girlfriend makes specific reference to things that another friend’s wife said about her, **to the friend and his wife.** Needless to say, that friendship soon ended, as the wife was both mortified and angry, as was her husband. So, yeah, there is a time and a place to make comments about a friend or loved one’s significant other, but I’d never harp on it, because even if they are going through a rough patch or break-up, you don’t know what the future will hold. All this being said, I’m not sure what is creepier: A 22 year old dating a 16 year old,\* despite the huge difference\* in maturity and life experience, or a 22 year old dating a 16 year old because there is _no difference_ in maturity. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2015, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/45 "2015-01-06T20:39:43Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > Sit down with her and explain to her your concerns. > > The day will come when he breaks her heart, and she will need you. Knowing that you warned her, she will see that you were right. > > You can’t avoid her stupid decision to date this clowner. But you do **not** need to completely bite your tongue and not share your concerns. > > All of these morons telling you that your sister’s potentially awful decision to date your friend is not your business are…morons. That is sooo gay. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2015, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/46 "2015-01-06T21:08:08Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > All of these morons telling you that your sister’s potentially awful decision to date your friend is not your business are…morons. This is a warning for you. Do not call other posters names outside of the Pit. With the amount of notes you’ve gotten for rules before, you should know this. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2015, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/47 "2015-01-06T21:16:14Z")
> [@Si\_Amigo](#): > > So you just assume that she is stupid (with a 4.2 GPA) and that her brother knows best and is being honest in his assessment. :smack: How are you thinking that I am calling her stupid? I’m sure her 4.2 GPA means she’s very academically smart, but book smarts and street smarts usually don’t help one another and I’m less calling her stupid and more calling her a 16 year old girl ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2015, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/48 "2015-01-06T21:37:55Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > Oh My God! She wants to go to a local state school closer to home. Get her away from this monster, NOW! It’s not only that **Shakes**. A preppy, conforming 16 year old girl suddenly became a bitchy hipster. WHO EVER HEARD OF SUCH MADNESS. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2015, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/49 "2015-01-06T21:49:08Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > It’s not only that **Shakes**. A preppy, conforming 16 year old girl suddenly became a bitchy hipster. WHO EVER HEARD OF SUCH MADNESS. I guess [he better shape up…?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMblmkcdJEw#t=43) =d&r= ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2015, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/50 "2015-01-06T22:14:48Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > AP classes weight a point higher, most commonly. So you get some 5s averaged in for A’s, instead of 4s. > > OP, I was your sister. More or less. Bright, good grades, everyone thought I was destined for great things. Took up with a 21 year old just after I turned 17. Ended up pregnant. While everyone else saw it as a tragedy, I secretly saw it as a blessed relief. I was too scared to go away to school, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, and I didn’t have any idea how to figure it out. The baby was a perfect delaying tactic. I was able to put off deciding What I Want To Be When I Grow Up until I was 31, and really had some clue. > > Do I suggest this path? No, not really. I love my son (now almost 22) and I’m glad he’s in my life, but if I was picking the easy path in life, this wouldn’t have been it. > > If you want to help her, help her realize how awesome she is. Help her find her talents, her passions, her skills. Build up her self-confidence and her life skills and professional talents. Tell her everything about her that is true and amazing. I guarantee you this guy is telling her nice things. She may feel like he’s the only one who does, who accepts her for who she is. Show her that you do too. Will it make her break up with him? Probably not, if she’s really in love with him. But building her up to realize all her good qualities has a far better chance of empowering her than tearing her down and sending her to his shoulder to cry on. > > Finally…find out what SHE wants. Just because you, your parents and everyone else think she should go to Big Name School doesn’t mean it’s what she wants, or what’s the best choice for her. Really, for the first two years of college, it doesn’t matter where you go. Big Name Schools are largely a waste of money. I don’t think having a baby at 17 is a tragedy (and it seemed to work out well for you, congrats: as for the easy path, things worth doing are seldom easy). Otherwise, I’d agree with this _entirely_. I’d still make sure that her boyfriend isn’t breaking any state laws, though. ---
**Author:** ![question101](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/f08c70/32.png) [@question101](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/question101)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2015, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/51 "2015-01-06T23:51:23Z")
Sorry guys just got home from work and school. Time to answer some questions Everyone who says it is none of your business. Here is my response. It is 100% my business this is my sister and I’m only looking out for her. Dating and love is not a measly mistake many times it can end in tragedy. Such as heart break, depression, resentment, pregnancy, and abuse. By me trying to prevent these happening to someone I love is completely my business. Why should she go through life alone when she has people around her to guide her. To those asking why does he need permission. There is a code amongst men. Especially someone that I would have called brother. It is disgusting that he did not ask permission. Also I forgot to mention that my parents are not aware of the situation. I also know that they would be against it 100% because they frequently share their opinions on him and they are worse than mine. I however, do not wish to involve them to help my sister save face. Age of contempt in my state is 18 To those saying that her staying home for college ect is not a bad thing. It is not wrong at all the only problem is that she had much larger ambitions prior to dating him which I feel he has directly altered. To the person who said that I disapprove of him obeying his parents. You took my statement incorrectly. I honor and praise people who obey their parents but allowing your parents to guide your entire life not allowing you to make a decision shows a level of immaturity. I would let her make her own mistake but the only problem is that at this point in time this mistake that happens for a few months could directly alter her life plan. She would go to a lesser college, she would never experience a college life, never have a normal relationship. My main concern is not that she is dating this guy. She is going to date guys good and bad. My concern is that this guy is holding her back. If this was after college I would have voiced my opinions and then been there for her whether she wished to stay with him or not. Again this is not a concern of her now but of her future which is being plagued by him. ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2015, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/52 "2015-01-06T23:56:55Z")
> [@Calatin](#): > > And the best part is, meeting her parents shouldn’t be too awkward. Well, not in Alabama or Mississippi, anyway… ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/53 "2015-01-07T00:02:06Z")
> [@question101](#): > > Age of contempt in my state is 18 Oh, I’m certain it’s much lower than 18. ---
**Author:** ![Great\_Antibob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Great\_Antibob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Great_Antibob)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/54 "2015-01-07T00:06:17Z")
> [@question101](#): > > Age of contempt in my state is 18 What is “contempt”? There is an age of majority (usually 18 in most states) and age of consent. If you mean consent, and they’re having sex, call the cops. That’s illegal and solves your problem quite nicely. Though your sister may well blame you for it. > [@question101](#): > > To those asking why does he need permission. There is a code amongst men. That’s news to me and probably to all the men who have responded to this thread. No such code. And the idea of relying on such a code is rather unrealistic and not something I would expect a mature adult to invoke. Rather than relying on “codes” and commands, trying respect and communication. Your sister is not somebody you can order around successfully. If you really respect her and want the best for her, try listening without judgment (!) and explaining your concerns even more calmly and without rancor. You’re going to get further that way than dictating your will - which isn’t going to work in any case. In the worst case, work with her instead of just saying “no”. It’s about her, not about you or what you think is best for her. That strategy may ultimately fail anyway, but it’s a better one than asking a bunch of internet strangers for validation of your situation. ---
**Author:** ![question101](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/f08c70/32.png) [@question101](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/question101)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/55 "2015-01-07T00:06:26Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > Oh, I’m certain it’s much lower than 18. sorry consent auto correct ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/56 "2015-01-07T00:08:48Z")
> [@question101](#): > > There is a code amongst men. There is no code. Men know this. ---
**Author:** ![question101](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/f08c70/32.png) [@question101](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/question101)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/57 "2015-01-07T00:13:59Z")
> [@Great\_Antibob](#): > > What is “contempt”? There is an age of majority (usually 18 in most states) and age of consent. > > If you mean consent, and they’re having sex, call the cops. That’s illegal and solves your problem quite nicely. Though your sister may well blame you for it. > > That’s news to me and probably to all the men who have responded to this thread. No such code. And the idea of relying on such a code is rather unrealistic and not something I would expect a mature adult to invoke. > > Rather than relying on “codes” and commands, trying respect and communication. > > Your sister is not somebody you can order around successfully. If you really respect her and want the best for her, try listening without judgment (!) and explaining your concerns even more calmly and without rancor. You’re going to get further that way than dictating your will - which isn’t going to work in any case. In the worst case, work with her instead of just saying “no”. > > It’s about her, not about you or what you think is best for her. > > That strategy may ultimately fail anyway, but it’s a better one than asking a bunch of internet strangers for validation of your situation. I never once ordered her to do anything or else this whole thing would be over. I have not confronted the situation in its entirely. Also there is a code. Hypothetically, me and you are very close friend we hang out every other day and go to luch ect. Is it not polite to ask you how you feel about me dating your sister instead of sneaking behind your back and doing it. Whether I thought you would approve or not is it not proper to at least notify you. Most things that are kept secret are secret because if out in the open they would be perceived as wrong. Again people are missing the point this is not me trying to control her but instead me trying to steer her away from a life altering decision that could and most likely would make her life worse. If he love her I do not understand how he could steer her into a path that would worsen her. Love is about creating sacrifices for the betterment of the one whom you love. So how could he love her if he selfishly holds her back. Also I resort to internet strangers because I do not want to ask my real life friends because the relationship is a secret because many would disapprove. Though I know making it public would end it. It would also largely embrace my sister and her boyfriend which is not my goal. I just want him to realize what he is doing and postpone the relationship for 5 more years maybe test the waters and experience another relationship. This is both of their first relationships and they are acting as if they are ready to get married tomorrow. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/58 "2015-01-07T00:48:08Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > There is no code. > > Men know this. Perhaps a [stereotypical men’s-advice column](http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_60/94_dating_tips.html) can clear up the confusion, man. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/59 "2015-01-07T01:31:00Z")
You’re NOT her parent! How is that hard to understand? How is this not controlling behaviour? Textbook controlling behaviour is exactly what it is. Clearly you’re not going to hear what people are trying to tell you, which is fine. But I suspect you’re the one that’s going to get a lesson, in the end. All attempts to thwart this relationship will backfire spectacularly. As long as you disapprove she’ll be stuck to him like glue. Long past the point where she would have come to her own realization he’s no good. Because she’ll be very, very invested in proving you wrong. At all costs. That is in fact, a recipe for an abusive relationship. Have some faith in your sister to come to her own conclusions. Step back. Maybe wait till you have your own kids before you begin parenting! ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116/60 "2015-01-07T01:59:23Z")
> [@question101](#): > > Sorry guys just got home from work and school. > > Time to answer some questions > > Everyone who says it is none of your business. Here is my response. It is 100% my business this is my sister and I’m only looking out for her. Dating and love is not a measly mistake many times it can end in tragedy. Such as heart break, depression, resentment, pregnancy, and abuse. By me trying to prevent these happening to someone I love is completely my business. Why should she go through life alone when she has people around her to guide her. > > To those asking why does he need permission. There is a code amongst men. Especially someone that I would have called brother. It is disgusting that he did not ask permission. Also I forgot to mention that my parents are not aware of the situation. I also know that they would be against it 100% because they frequently share their opinions on him and they are worse than mine. I however, do not wish to involve them to help my sister save face. > Age of contempt in my state is 18 > > To those saying that her staying home for college ect is not a bad thing. It is not wrong at all the only problem is that she had much larger ambitions prior to dating him which I feel he has directly altered. > > To the person who said that I disapprove of him obeying his parents. You took my statement incorrectly. I honor and praise people who obey their parents but allowing your parents to guide your entire life not allowing you to make a decision shows a level of immaturity. > I would let her make her own mistake but the only problem is that at this point in time this mistake that happens for a few months could directly alter her life plan. She would go to a lesser college, she would never experience a college life, never have a normal relationship. My main concern is not that she is dating this guy. She is going to date guys good and bad. My concern is that this guy is holding her back. If this was after college I would have voiced my opinions and then been there for her whether she wished to stay with him or not. Again this is not a concern of her now but of her future which is being plagued by him. Well clearly you’ve got this all figured out, so why ask us for advice? Seriously, your ramblings here sound just one step shy of those religious fanatics that think killing their sister because she was raped is an honorable thing to do. Just because you love your sister doesn’t entitle you to anything about your sister life she doesn’t want you to be a part of. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sister-dating-what-should-i-do/709116.md?page=4)